Only realising he is a narc

Hi Doesiteverend,

First, yes it will end! I’m so sorry you’ve gone through such a horrible experience. As I read your story my mind kept going to your kids. You absolutely deserve someone who will treat you like a queen and not play games with your head, heart, and emotions. And your kids don’t need that in their lives either. In these formative years of their lives they need someone who is going to love them and BE THERE for them unconditionally. Not someone who disappears for a few days without warning, let alone a few months!

I completely understand that behavior as well as the walking on eggshells. Although we never formally lived together my ex-N spent most of his days and nights with me. But every couple of weeks or so would pick a fight over something stupid and disappear for a few days. I would be devastated at first and then about the time I realized my life was more peaceful he’d start love bombing me again. I learned that what he was doing was seeing other women and he could do it without “fault” because “we weren’t together.” Once he disappeared for a week without any fight or explanation at all and then tried to claim he knew he really loved me because “other women don’t turn me on.” He often claimed he had to “walk on eggshells” around me when in reality I had transformed into a complete doormat just to try to please him and not irritate him. It was when I would try to stand up for myself that he’d claim the “eggshells” fear for himself.

So, as I read of your experiences I knew exactly what you’re talking about. You’ve made a great step forward in getting yourself and your kids out of that mess! Does anyone else, like your aunt who sold the house, know of your agreement about the $70k? If so, they may be able to support you in a lawsuit against him for the money.

Keep moving forward making a healthy environment for yourself and your children! Sounds like he is making it easy to go no contact which is the golden path to you having a much better future. The pain will end, you will find yourself happier and more confident as time goes on and the right people or person will come into your life. Someone you can love and trust. Someone who will be safe for you and your children and devoted to making you happy.

There are a lot of books about narcissists, sociopaths, etc that many of us here found very helpful. The more knowledge we have about their behaviors the more confidence we build in knowing they are the problem and we were taken advantage of. The first one I read had me wondering how could this author have known about my life?! The voices you find here will be very supportive as we, too, have been where you are now.

Best of luck to you and know you’ve have done the right thing by moving out of a very toxic environment.

doesiteverend: I am so glad you are out of that toxic relationship. From what you describe, I agree – he Is a narcissist. Add drinking to that and you have a volatile situation. I lived with an alcoholic for ten years and I too, kept hoping he would change – but it only got progressively worse. I would issue an ultimatum, he would stop drinking, but within months start again. Each time the interval between sober and not sober would be shorter. For my sanity and the safety of myself and my son, I had to leave. Twenty years later he finally went to AA and has maintained his sobriety for 15 years, and we are friendly, but that experience left me vulnerable to someone – anyone – who would love me. So eventually I let in a man who, like yours, lovebombed me, swept me off my feet, made me believe I was worthwhile, then used me, crushed my heart, cheated on me and left me in deep debt. It wasn’t until I finally forgave myself and let go of the resentment that I started to heal. Part of that was letting go of the money and possessions he took from me.

This forum helped me SO much, and I hope it will help you too. You have made the right decision and sounds like you are well on your way to healing. Keep posting – recovery stories are so important on here to give us all hope!

doesiteverend – What a terrible experience. I am so sorry for what you endured. Please understand that it is good that he is not seeing your children. The less contact he has with him, the better. I assure you, if he ever says that he loves the kids, it is not true. He is certainly a sociopath, and sociopaths are incapable of love.

doesiteverend,

Your situation sounds much like one of mine. I was married for a long time to an overt grandiose narcissist. After divorcing him, I learned quite a lot about narcissists. But I still got involved with and lived with another more covert narcissist. Many of the behaviors you describe were behaviors I also saw.

I’m responding because I’m quite certain that in addition to the underlying NPD level narcissism (and I would say some degree of psychopath), he was untreated Bipolar with very long cycles. It turned out the times I met him (twice around years apart situation), he was manic while I thought that was his normal. After he was manic a while, the grandiosity came out unhidden. He couldn’t maintain his mask. He used alcohol to mellow him enough to try to keep up the mask as well as self-medicate and relieve stress from things he couldn’t face. He knew he was bipolar (many around him and a psychiatrist suggested it, and he told me he was worried he was), but he refused to get treatment. Untreated, it gets worse and worse. It can take 10 years to get diagnosed accurately and 2-3 years to find the right type of treatment if the person is dedicated. Mine wasn’t.

People with bipolar are known for having to leave for long periods of time, maybe days, weeks, even years in some cases. And then they come back. Mine travelled for work, and when he was under high stress, he’d travel and binge drink. Then come back. After he moved in with me, he would just leave amidst an argument and be gone for a couple of hours or take to his bed and not emerge until the next day. And he was a pro at the hostile, blaming, silent treatment, up to 2 weeks one time. One time on a 14 hour drive. Awkward. Turned out he’d been an alcoholic off and on, and went back to it after I asked him to leave. He then stalked and stole from me for years.

So you might look into bipolar if his mental condition becomes relevant, like with custody. Additionally, when manic, people with bipolar go on spending sprees. This could affect his keeping your house, and his ability to make child support payments.

Fortunately, it seems your ex is the type of narcissist to go away and leave you alone, though they often pop back later and try again. My ex-H was like that. Once it was over and there was nothing more to be gained by fighting, legally or otherwise, he left my life.

As for trying to regain your $70k or your house, that’s probably a loss. Unfortunately it can take everything you have to get away, but it’s worth it. Hopefully if there were witnesses, and especially a will or other document stating your aunt’s wishes, you could sue him to get it back. But if he fights it, a civil court case can cost almost that much to fight, so it may not be worth the aggravation.

If you do pursue legal action, find a lawyer familiar with DV and abuse, and especially one trained by High Conflict Institute (see Bill Eddy’s book Splitting). Lawyers understanding this personality type can keep costs and escalation down, and get to resolution more quickly.

Good luck! Be glad you’re free, and hopefully your children too! It does get better, just can take a while. You not only mourn the loss of what you thought was a good and intimate relationship, but also of the person you thought he was, the person he presented himself to you as. Your love was real. Hold onto that. And hopefully your future relationships will be better after learning about narcissists. Mine have been after learning about both overt and covert narcissists.