Narc or what is he?

Yet again, I find my self on this forum. 10 yrs after the first, I met another one.

The first time Donna answered me and I found peace in knowing that the guy was a psychopath. I wish I knew better after that.

6 yrs ago I met a man my age.I thought he was the love of my life, finally, he just needed to grow a bit wiser and have help with his adhd. We had really, really good times, but the bad was worse. Good times only lasted 2-3 weeks and his rage came out again.

It started with him having anger issues and dumping me 3 times a month at least. He regretted, said it was lack of impulsecontrol. He called me names, talked me down, I was worthless, a nobody, he never loved me, and the list goes on. Everything he knew about me he used against me. I didn’t deserve any better.

When he was done being mad, he would apologize, tell me how he loved me etc. He never ment any of those things.

Every birthday, x-mas, special occation I was dumped. If I ever asked him to do anything I was dumped, if I ever talked about my feelings I was dumped, if anybody at his work commented our relationship I was dumped! 2 times he broke of our engadement just because some stranger said to him that he called me way too many times during workhours (controlling where I was and with who and it was my fault he had to call bc I would be mad if he didn’t) and the second time bc he ordered me to fix our home, I said if he wanted something he could also be the adult and go out and fetch things to our home.

Everything good about me he turned into negative. I lost friends and contact with family. I withdrew and was broken. I thought I was worthless. Everything he did to me, he denied. He said I was mentally sick and needed to be hospitalized. I was the one doing it all to him. He never said or did any of that. It was all my fault, got what I deserved.
He sleepdeprieved me to the point of sickness. He dumped me for that as well.

Everytime he hurt me, he ignored me while I was crying. Went to sleep, the gym, to work giving me utter silent treatment. He ment I was only acting and he had the freedom of speach to say whatever he wanted. I was the one denying him that and controlling him so my tears was just my mental illness. He had done nothing wrong!

I’ve lived under constant threats. Just the slightest thing he would split our finances, move out, take revenge. My opinions or thoughts ment nothing, it was all eyes on him. If not, he would rage. He decided when my needs were going to be met and when to shut up. If I spoke, he would end the relationship. If I didn’t do what he wanted all hell broke loose.

So here I am again, he broke up with me and I held him to it. Each time he has begged me back, but not this time. Is this the final discard ?

My 40th birthday is coming up in two weeks. Two months has gone by with him escalating and throwing new things in my face. The mental terror is exhausting. I’m waiting for him to move out, but I’m worried he will not. And I worry how I’ll react when he does. He tells my everyday how he’s looking forward to it, rubs it in my face. If he suspect I’m crying he’ll be running into my room telling me how he’s gonna leave, he will take whatever property he wants ( I bought and fixed everything) he will do a,b,c,d if he doesn’t get his way. He thinks he hasn’t ruined my birthday this year since he will not attend my party. He’ll be at home packing his bags ready to leave. He has done nothing, it’s me who controls his opinions ( if I ever cut my hair short he would dump me, I told him off) so he can’t be with a person who denies him opinions.

He tries to make me pay all expences now, threatens with not doing any chores, he accuses me of having other men, but throws tantrums if he’s not allowed to be with other women under my roof. He has now deleted me on socials. Then he suddenly does chores and is super nice, but I never know if it will last out the day or if he’ll switch the next.

I found out he went behind my back financially also. He had alot of bad Credit when he met me, I helped him fix everything. My money went into him, while he was spending his on games and friends. Even took care of his child more than I should. I have done everything for this man and each time I was nice to him he would become awfull. Screaming at me in public that I was a liar, manipulator, an abuser. He has done this several times.

He says he doesn’t have any remorse, empathy or guilt when it comes to me. I’m the only one he’s like this with. It’s because who I am. I’m to strickt with him. He was only with me until somebody better came along. He will be much better off with another person than me.

He also said He’s nice to people at work bc he have to, at home he’s really awfull.

His mood switches multiple times a day, from nice to raging in seconds. It doesn’t matter if his teen child is visiting, he’ll become worse and is more on edge to flip over to rage. To prevent this I go visit my family and stay away.

His stories switch and doesn’t add up. He changes the stories constantly, blames me for all of it, I’m the one doing it, not him. He contradicts him self in every sentence. It started really bad 6 months ago when he tried new adhd meds. He is not using meds now other than anti deppresants.

He has put his hands on me this time, that’s why it’s final draw for me. It was nothing bad, but boundary crossed. I worry if the mental abuse will end up in physical if I stay. He has become worse during the years.

I’m wondering is this a common narc trait or something else? He fits narc description to the t, but the inconsistency and so unstable?

I’m sorry for messy post, I’m so exhausted and my mind is all over the place.