Confrontation of the Side Chick

It’s hard to advise with a narcissist because there will always be an excuse even if a ridiculous one. Can you leave a voice recorder somewhere safe? If you’re going to surprise them leave your car around a corner so they don’t hear it and have time to prepare. How do you know she’s in your house often? Has a neighbour told you? What absolute proof do you have? Because a narcissist will come up with anything to make out you’re paranoid and crazy.
Once you have absolute proof its an actual affair you need to plan, sort bank accounts out, put his belongings in bags bit by bit so that you can throw them out after him when you confront him.

But yes, you can’t keep letting him get away with it, there is zero respect from him if she’s in your home all day without your permission, not to mention what he’s does with her there.

Plan it well and be resolute in your end goal.

If you’ve been through it many times you need to be resolute that you’ve had enough of it, and then mean it with the filing for divorce. Or you could just leave him anyway, but if your proof is going to help you get out then hold on to it for dear life.
It sounds like your bond is very deep to keep going through it.

Are you expecting him to leave, or are you leaving yourself? It sounds like he feels entitled to use the home for his own means and may not want to give it up.
I would only confront him if you’re ready to leave or you know he will go.
Either way you need to get him out of your life.

dogmom: I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like this is definitely not the first time. If you are resolute in leaving – if you absolutely KNOW this is the last time – then you need to be prepared. Gather your evidence and keep it safe. Find a good divorce attorney and start the paperwork. Protect your assets – open your own bank accounts, put jewelry and valuables in a bank box, change all passwords to everything, move everything you value out of the home, secure a new place to live if needed. Once you feel you have protected yourself, THEN you can confront them. But be prepared for lies, excuses, gaslighting and anger. If you have a friend who can back you up, take that person with you. Or notify the police and have them back you up. Don’t do this alone – and prepare yourself for the inevitable backlash. Good luck – and stay strong!

Hi dogmom – My take on the situation is that there is no need to confront either your husband or the other woman. You are obviously dissatisfied in the marriage and that is enough reason to want to exit it. Along with his extracurricular affairs comes a lot of abuse. All kinds of sneaky behavior that destroys trust. With the loss of trust comes the loss of a real, loving relationship and why should you settle for anything less ? Marriage should not be a prison sentence. So I agree with what Emilie said about doing all the preparations to protect your assets etc and concurrently find a good divorce attorney. When all is in order, simply give your husband the divorce papers with a simple explanation of that you both know that this marriage is not fulfilling and it would be in both of your best interests. To part ways. If he presses for more explanations, thus putting you on the defensive, don’t take the bait,but instead just repeat that you both know that it is not fulfilling to either of you. But for now, start the preparation work. It’s not easy and it is a hassle: but you just can’t allow yourself to continue in such a unhealthy environment physically, emotionally and spiritually. Many blessings