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I WISH I had done this in my divorce but at the time I was still trauma bonded and did not have the strength.
But now years later I figured out the way to hold these narcs/sociopaths accountable: focus only on money.
The sociopath abuses us in 1000 ways including daily psychological and emotional abuse but there is NO recourse for that with courts or police. The legal system simply is not set up to deal with it and finds personality disorders and psychological abuse irrelevant. You won’t get anywhere pursuing this in court.
BUT there is one thing the entire court system is built around: MONEY. As much as courts disregard and ignore your rights to psychological safety, they certainly will not ignore your financial rights. Even if the money amount is small. Because the court system is built for that.
So you might think the sociopath’s financial abuse is not very significant compared to their psychological and emotional abuse, but MONEY is the one way that you can actually obtain accountability. And BONUS: money is the only thing the narc/sociopath actually cares about anyway so they will care greatly if you take them to court over money. Whereas they don’t care at all over being diagnosed as personality disordered or abusive etc.
So approach this just like the feds approached Al Capone. He was committing 1000 horrible crimes in his years as a mob boss but the feds could never catch him on anything. He always got away with everything because he was so good at evading accountability. So finally the feds took a different tactic: instead of prosecuting all his other crimes they went after him for TAXES. And they were able to obtain a conviction and finally put him in prison where he belonged. Even though the method was a tax prosecution he still ended up in prison which was the goal considering how many crimes he committed.
So with your narc/sociopath if there is any financial issue, any money they stole from you, any property they took, any marital funds they hid etc go to court and focus on the money. That is the language that the court system understands and that is the only way they can be held accountable.
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sept4 – good point. Sadly, those so badly abused and just getting out of a horrid relationship often do not have the metal strength and stability to endure a court proceeding. I would have loved to sue my narcissistic con artist for everything – problem was – everything he had he took from me and then spent. I might have gotten the satisfaction of a judgement against him, but I would never have seen a cent – and attorneys are expensive. So my $10K loss would have been more like $40K when the dust settled. So yes – if you have the money, the time and the courage, go for it – hitting them in the pockets will make an impact. But prepare yourself for a nasty fight – for character assassination, threats, vengeance and retaliation, because these people have NO conscious nor a moral compass and will stop at nothing to win.
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In a just world, this sounds ideal to “teach a lesson” to the person. In reality, it’s luck of the draw with this. Abusers get away with financial abuse all the time in the courts. I dealt with this first hand. Sure, if you have endless time and ample money to waste to prove a point, go for it. But the Courts typically fo not care if you are owed money or were defrauded so long as it’s a civil case. They’ll go through the motions, but thats all. Now, say you’ve proved your case. Now you must enforce the judgment and back to court you go trying to get it for years.
Also to consider, and my son’s therapist told me this when he was 7 and I was just trying (and failing) to get the abuser to help share expenses/child support, the abuser will often take this out on your child.
Although my abuser never paid anything and took/stole/conned his way to keep every assest, without fail in every court hearing on abuse, his go to statement was “they’re lying to get money.” It is sickening how often some believed that.
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