Has anyone succeeded in not thinking about the sociopath anymore

sept4: It has been 9 years since I was involved with a man who ultimately stole a bunch of money from me while telling me he was the love of my life – and me of his. He lied about just about every aspect of his past, about his intentions, and about silly, everyday stupid stuff. And, yes, he lived rent free in my brain for many years. Until he didn’t. I think of him now and then but instead of the thoughts bringing regret and pain and guilt they are just a passing – “oh yeah – I remember that” – mostly in conjecture with something else that is happening in my life. I no longer obsess over telling his next victim to beware (tried that — didn’t work), or of wondering what he is doing (no longer search his name on the internet), or talking about my experience with anyone who would listen (now people don’t avoid me as much!). He is just someone from my past who is well left in the past – a lesson learned. How did this happen? Well – first, I read every single thing I could about other’s experiences and that really helped assuage the guilt — it wasn’t ME – it was him. I was a victim. Then I stopped thinking of my self as a victim, and turned that into a survivor and mentor — I started posting in here and other forums about my experiences and encouraging others to move beyond that destructive thinking and in doing so, moved beyond my own mentality. And I started working on myself. I became a better employee and got a promotion; I lost weight, changed my hair and makeup; treated myself to facials and vacations; accepted dates with interesting (if rather flawed) men; kept a diary (that was the most helpful as I could track my progress); and started loving myself again. I bought myself jewelry and cleaned out my closets. And I will admit, that was a struggle because I am a people-pleaser who NEVER put myself first, ever…so it was challenging to make ME important. It took time, and dedication and work and constant setbacks. So the answer, I think, is not beating yourself up for thinking of him, but gently forgiving yourself and reminding yourself you are a survivor, strong and beautiful, and he is scum who will never grow – while you flourish and thrive and move on. Remind yourself of that every single time even a glimmer of a thought of him comes up. When the pity party starts, turn it into a celebration of YOU. Eventually that will become a habit. I managed to do it on my own – but it took years. I would strongly suggest a good therapist to expedite the process. I wish you success and love.

sept4;
To your question of getting our ex’s out of our head……yes, we’ve all wondered when the madness will stop. It hasn’t been an enormous amount of time since I went NC (17 months), yet what I can say is it has gotten easier. The cognitive dissonance has pretty much dissolved, so that certainly helps make things easier. I think we are all on different trajectories when it comes to our healing and our individual journey can be very personal as well.

I agree with emilie18 in that we are NOT the victims. We merely fell in love with someone that was not on the same wavelength as us and we had no idea upon meeting them that they were disordered. We are kind, caring, loving people attempting to work with someone that does not have any emotions or soul much less a moral compass.

When I have a “moment” I quickly go to how miserable it could have been had my ex moved in with me. I look around now knowing I’m in charge of my own decisions and can do whatever pleases me. I can change my hairstyle, I can stay in my pjs until noon if I choose to knowing I’m the only one that is driving my ship. I am now my priority.

What I have done that seems to help is I jotted down all of the awful things my ex said in our last and final conversation. Every so often I add all of the empty promises he made and the red flags that I now can clearly see. It empowers me and I don’t seem to go to that place in my head when he was love-bombing me. I find now if he crosses my mind at all it’s just momentarily and I reverse it as quickly as I can. It no longer lingers and I now know what I’m not willing to accept.

I take pleasure in my immediate family knowing they always have my back and they are the people that are truly important.

I hope some of this can be helpful and brings some peace and confirmation to you as you continue your healing. We are stronger in numbers and this site is a good place to find support.

I would like to add on to what funluvmusic25 said about writing things down. I started writing down things about halfway through our relationship. It started with the pros and cons, then turned to my wants and needs in a relationship, and then everything thing I could remember that he said or did to make me feel like shit or to hurt me. The night we broken up was the worst. I wrote down what he said and did that night as well. I still sometimes have flashbacks and when I do I usually remember how unloved and uncared for I felt in that moment. That usually makes me realize that he doesn’t deserve anymore of my thoughts or energy. Of course I still have my days but sometimes I need to just read what I wrote down and sometimes I need reassurance from people that love me. Take it one day at a time and remember there is no timeline on healing.

sept4; I can only imagine how painful it is for you not being able to get your ex out of your every thought. Perhaps there is both a deep sense of anger and a need for justice towards him for all of the deceit. There might still be a sense of love since he kept you in the dark during most of his criminal actions. Both of these things can cause you many sleepless nights and much torment. I certainly don’t have all the solutions, yet what I can say is sometimes we have to give up wanting justice. As much as we think it might help put things to rest it only opens up another can of worms.

We all need to value our lives without them and come to terms with hoping they will eventually be caught in their lies or criminal activity. Let them hang themselves because eventually they will run out of people that believe them.

We can’t go back, we can only move forward with complete concentration on ourselves and our well being. Be proud of the length of time you have been away from him……be proud of yourself for seeking support and knowledge from this site. Healing is a personal journey and there is no time line on healing. The things that have helped me may not necessarily help someone else. What has helped me is journaling all of my thoughts and emotions and looking back to see my progression. Having out loud conversations with myself, yelling and screaming at my invisible ex. I also had my doctor prescribe a low dose antidepressant for anxiety – I don’t dwell on things as much and don’t get stuck like I once did.
Find an activity or exercise that you enjoy and take your frustrations out during that time. Seek a good therapist if you feel it would help. Be kind to your self and give your self grace.

You are the one that matters and make yourself your number one priority. Don’t compare your healing journey to others ……it all takes time and is an individual journey. Most of all stay strong, my friend ❤️

sept4; I agree, you certainly did not need a yoga class to make things better. I don’t think many therapists are aware of the degree of abuse and trauma a sociopath can cause to those around them. Like you said, it is not a normal break-up.

We all wish we could have made better decisions in many aspects of our lives. We have to remember we did the best we could with the best information we had at the time even though we now know much of it was lies. We have no way of knowing what the future holds so dealing with the present the best way we can in order to survive the situation is the only thing we are capable of. You got out of the situation ………many see no way out and stay in the abusive relationship and continue to suffer at the hands of the abuser. You are now free to live your life with honesty and integrity……you have that, he doesn’t and that is much more valuable than any sentence he may serve be it prison or to his higher power.

Be kind to yourself and find a way to forgive yourself for any decisions you were not capable of making living in a world of chaos that he created. How can anyone be stronger in the midst of gaslighting, chaos and mental abuse that was ruining your life?
Your abuser took advantage of you and knew he could control you as long as he kept you under his thumb. It was not your fault!

Set your mind free and the rest will follow. I know these are all words and good intentions on my part, yet I also know that if it has been a decade since you’ve been in his presence your strengths will find a way to forgive yourself and be free of the constant chatter in your head. Be kind to yourself ……….you so deserve it!

sept4; I’ve been thinking about you and thought I might share some thoughts that might be helpful. I know you continue to struggle not being able to get the negative thoughts of what your ex did and still does out of your head and you still have regrets that you didn’t do more to expose him.

Perhaps every time you struggle with your regrets and sense of justice you could try to reframe it by talking to the person “you used to be” in the middle of your world falling apart. When you go back to the place of beating yourself up for not saying more you could have a conversation with yourself that might go something like this, “ I should have spoken up and exposed him, but I was scared and alone as my world was collapsing. I wasn’t sure anyone, much less the authorities, would believe me given I was confused and a victim of gaslighting. I was afraid I could also be liable if my ex convinced anyone of his lies. I didn’t know which end was up and I was afraid my ex would find a way to get revenge and get away with it. It wasn’t my fault – I didn’t purposely seek out a sociopath……in fact I never knew what one was before meeting him.

By reframing things you could go on to tell yourself that you are no longer that frightened and alone victim. You are free to make your own decisions while your ex continuously has to look over his shoulders. You’ve grown in so many ways becoming well educated in the world of sociopaths. You are no longer at the mercy of your ex and you can choose wisely who you allow into your world. You don’t need to see justice because the justice in all of this is that YOU ARE NO LONGER A VICTIM of his abuse! That is YOUR justice.

I hope you know these are well intentioned suggestions on my part and perhaps will bring you some peace as you continue to heal. Stay well.

sept14; I’m happy to share any suggestions that may be useful based on my own experiences. As you reframe your thinking you might add this to quiet any regrets……

“ He may have deceived me and pulled the wool over my eyes, but as I heal I am no longer the confused person he thought he could fool. I am a force to be reckoned with and can see right through him. He would not be pleased with the new stronger version of myself, but that’s okay because I no longer need to please anyone but myself!”