Donna Andersen on the Straight Wives radio show

DAndersen_smile_headshot_140x140I’ll be the guest on Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wives of Gay Men radio show tonight on Blog Talk Radio.

For years, Bonnie Kaye has been helping women who discover their husbands are gay. Some of the men are legitimately gay who hadn’t come to terms with it. But many of the men are actually sociopaths who are always looking for sexual excitement and will use anyone to get it male or female.

We’ll be talking about sociopaths don’t change, so there’s no use in trying to change them. We’ll also be discussing how they convince you that the problem is you not them!

The show is tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern time. Here’s the link to listen on your computer:

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wives Talk Show with Expert Donna Andersen, on

UPDATE: You can listen to the program any time by clicking the above link.



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Flicka, Thank you so much. The capacity of the human spirit to overcome is amazing ! May we all continue on our individual journeys to healing and knowledge. Well said and amen.


Okay, I’m the one having the difficult day today. He showed up in my state and knocked on the door last night. I didn’t answer and have been doing my best to lay low all day.

He is blaming my snooping on him “putting all of the homo stuff” on his phone. He says it was a ploy to get me to admit that I was snooping on him. He is so deep in denial it’s nuts.

We had a finalizing act today… I picked up the check from not buying the house we were going to buy. Oh, how it hurts! My heart wants him to somehow make it right. My heart wants to believe him. My heart wants he and I to be okay and forget all of this. Yet, I know I can’t. How do I get past this excruciating pain.

I’ve not talked with him at all. He using all of his narcissistic abilities to get me to talk with him. He sent me an email saying that he drove all the way up here (CA to ID) to apologize for not replying to a text. Not to apologize that he tried to draw me into his sick lifestyle. Not to apologize that he lied and cheated. In the same email he said that he used to tell me that he’d go three or four places and then go somewhere entirely different “to screw with me.” Who does that to someone they supposedly love?!?!! Who exposes someone they love to potentially fatal diseases?!?! Absolutely no conscience.

I feel like I haven’t made any headway in getting rid of the pain. I don’t know what to do. I am ready to act like a three-year old having a tantrum about the toy that I want. My heart still loves him with everything I am.

He kept telling me that he was this fabulous, upstanding man. Yet, in reality he is a homosexual man who will act on his sexual desires at will, without a thought or regard for me. I am truly asking him to be the man he said he was. He cannot be that man. I must continue to ignore his attempts at reaching out to me.

I’m looking for any magic words or solutions here. I’m seriously struggling.


PLEASE keep your NC intact!!! No matter your emotions, know you’re doing right! Thank God you got that check back….could be so much worse. Loving thougts and prayers to you.


Thank you for your words of encouragement. It is sooo hard because my heart wants so badly to believe that he cares. I will not have not have any contact with him. I literally, repeat things to myself out loud so that I can hear them. It helps my brain process it better. I read these responses out loud for the same reason. It has a bigger impact if I hear the inflections in the sentences.

I think I will let the tears flow again and hopefully, it will be some sort of cleansing. My weekend will be laying low, in case he’s still in town.


Jpitts64, Don’t fall into his traps or take his bait. He is just practicing the dark art of psychopathy. The way you describe him speaks volumes as to his true nature and character. These were the red flags that I saw and struggled with but allowed my master of manipulation and others who adored her and projected the false assumption that I was being rigid, unkind, and punishing her for things in her past. Not the case at all. Holding someone accountable for their actions and behaviors in the here and now is what it’s about. Let me say that your thinking is healthy based on your descriptions of his so called reason for apology vs the the things he is doing his best to get you to concede on, to minimize, to throw up a lot of dust and debris to try turn it around on you. I know the person you are describing, not personally of course, but I can tell you if you allow this person into your life you will eventually regret it. Sadly you are experiencing what cannot be bypassed if you are to continue on the road to healing. Like most all of us here you have been betrayed at the most intimate level. Don’t let others who are clueless about the things we are discussing here talk you out of your healthy morally and ethically solid analysis. I did, and following their counsel and thrusting aside my better judgement nearly destroyed me. Society at large is careening towards sociopathic values so it seems Normal. I’d rather maintain a heathy standard and reject the so called ‘norm’ and view it as perverse but popular.


4Light, THANK YOU!!! I got an “I love you” and “I’m so sorry I ever caused you pain, etc.” email from him today. He is now saying that he hasn’t slept or eaten much in about a week and he knew that he should have acted differently, etc. And, because it’s so fresh and raw, my heart so badly wants to reach out and scream, “yes! I’m still here! Please make it right for us. Etc.” I need to keep coming back here and re-reading everyone’s posts.



Jpitts64, I hope you are hanging in there. I had a lot of laying low days trying to sort through the craziness of what was actually happening. It is a process. I can tell you from my personal experiences that many, many times during my relationsham I was done. I was sick of her games. Sick of her twisting everything. Sick of her using anything or anyone she could to excuse or condone her actions and turn it around on me. During absolutely pivotal times when I was ready to walk away I was overcome by her promises and many, many others in my religious community who sadly were willing to jump through flaming hoops to hold me to account for my responsibilities as a husband. At no time did they in any way attempt to hold her to accountability but instead rewarded her for her brazen conduct. At each of these times her, her gaslighting paramours, and of course their minions all ‘loved me’. So muck love that it took quite a while to remove all the knives from my back. The word love is a tool to manipulate you when it is coming out of the mouth of a disordered person. Same with the apologies. Mine was absolutely allergic to apologies. To a sociopathic person they are empty words to get you to concede and to allow them to get back into a position of power over you. Once I began to call her out on her behaviors and lies and accepted her pseudo apology instead of cutting ties she ruined me in the region I had lived for decades. Of course I was tag team spathed. But one can do you in just fine. The person that I was in love with was a mirage. She does not exist. Maybe even more of an avatar in a giant game. The real person is one of the most wicked, cunning enemies that I can even imagine. This is diabolical deceit and its so unimaginable that a human being could even conceive of, much less perpetrate that we struggle to comprehend it. Cognitive dissonance. Ever heard of it ? This stuff is exhausting, I know. Keep reading and learning about all this super weird stuff. It might just save your life. It did mine.


Aaah, the gaslighting. It’s a lovely term. Thank you 4Light. I have the emails to the craigslist “casual encounter” men and “men seeking men” that he sent. Yet, he STILL wants to make it about my snooping/spying. When his narcissism and berating me didn’t work to get me to respond, he played on the emotions, using some gaslighting techniques. Sadly, I have experience with these behaviors. My heart still, so badly, wants to believe this is all a bad, very bad, dream. I would give almost anything to wake up tomorrow and things be back to “normal.” However, what I thought was normal was still a big lie.

I am a seeker of truth and want more than anything for him to admit he is a homosexual so that I can move on. Why is it so important, you ask? I really don’t know. I just want the truth to be known. He has twisted one thing that happened early on, very early on, in our relationship (I don’t even know if you would have considered us in a relationship) and it pisses me off that he can’t let that go. I think I just want him outed to everyone.

It’s funny how when confronted with my knowledge of him searching for men with which to have sex, the transference/projection. I truly believe that he was really talking to himself and how he really feels about his life and choices. I’d love to be able to pick his brain and have him tell me everything about it.

Why in the world do I still care? Why can’t I just let this go and walk away? Could I please have the “I don’t care” prescription? I’d gladly take that pill.

A friend of mine told me about a book that Al-Anon uses and it has to do with enabling and fixing, rather than looking inside and seeing why we do what we do with our partners.

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