1 step forward and it feels like a million backward

Hi t159443 –
I have been on my healing journey a long time like you, and one of the last realizations that I had even well into my personal healing was the A Ha moment when I realized that I was still berating myself and blaming myself one way or another – for example, berating myself for even being in an abusive situation in the first place. Then I would find myself defending myself inwardly against accusations from others – until finally I realized one day that the acceptance of blame was the deepest abuse and that others putting fault on me was their abusive behavior. Once I saw that I was able to stop that negativity. Therapists who truly “ get “ psychological abusive relationships can definitely help you heal, but therapists who don’t will end up taking you down along trail ( rabbit hole ) of “ helping “ you to understand what is wrong with you. They don’t understand that they are making the situation worse and in actuality, they are “ blaming the victim “. So, if you want to get into therapy you need to be very very careful. In the meantime, I have an exercise that you might find helpful. It is a kind of offshoot of a technique that Ballard recommended in one of her books : when she was so upset upon going No Contact with her ex, and felt like she just couldn’t even get out of bed etc – she would pretend to be OK just for that one day and somehow get to work and then pretend to be OK with her co workers etc,- everyday, she would begin the practice again until finally she really was OK. In your case, my suggestion is that you pretend ( even if you don’t feel it to begin with ) that you are just perfect – that you are a loving person, that you have no complexes ( inferiority or otherwise ), that the breakup or problems in the relationship were not your fault. Anytime thoughts come up and your mind tries to tell you otherwise, dismiss them, and reaffirm what you decided to pretend to be true. Do this every day until one day you will wake up and you won’t need to pretend any longer because you will discover that it is the truth !
Blessings

Hi tl- I have found it is best to read literature that says I have value. There are spiritual groups that affirm your value. I ignore lists like this printed on Pinterist. They have no value and should be ignored IMO. Best wishes.

SG

t159443 – I wouldn’t put much stock in the signs of an inferiority complex. If you were 5 years with a sociopath, he had 5 years to convince you that you did these things. But did you? 5 years with a sociopath will create those behaviors. Were they there before you met him?

Yes, healing is necessary. And yes, it is something you need to work at. Time does not necessarily heal all ills. To recover from a sociopath, you need to make up your mind that you want to, and then do the necessary work.

I echo what polestar said about therapy. If you decide to do this, it is imperative that you find a therapist who truly understands what happens when people are involved with sociopaths. Lovefraud’s research shows that about half of therapists really do not get it. They do more harm than good.

You might want to start with Lovefraud’s books and webinars. Cheaper than a therapist, and will give you a good foundation. Then, if you decide to work with a therapist, you’ll be able to tell if he/she knows what is going on.

Hi t159443 –
I felt the need to expound a little bit more about the technique that I recommended in my last post because it did sound a bit pollyannish – what I want to explain about it is that often when we have been involved with someone who has devalued us for a long time, we tend to internalize those opinions and end up getting brainwashed into believing very negative things about ourselves. Then our self respect and self love suffer if not are totally obliterated. So one of the first steps of healing ( if not the very first ) is to start to love ourself again. To start to see the good things about ourselves again and to appreciate those special wonderful things that make us the unique person that we are. I have found that a good way to start the process is to block the negative and judgmental and mean things that were said to us and about us but which still come up in our memory. This is actually a part of going No Contact. After proceeding in one’s healing path quite a ways, and starting to find your happiness and self love again – then, if you want to change some habit then it becomes a constructive life affirming action that brings happiness because you feel that you are growing in a positive uplifting manner. So that it the back explanation to the technique I gave to you.
Blessings

Dear tl,

May I add one more thing to the excellent advice you are getting? Please seek out a therapist associated with or recommended by a battered women’s shelter. He may have never lifted a hand against you, but he has certainly abused you emotionally, psychologically and socially!

Yours truly,

Monica

Dear tl,

If your daughter says he raped her – believe it! She needs to get to a therapist that specializes in sexually abused children ASAP. Don’t victimize her twice by not believing her.

Yours truly,

Monica

T- I agree with Monica. Believe her about the rape. Even if she seduced him, he should have stopped it like Monica Lewinsky and Clinton.

SG

t- Have you seen amber Ault’s book The Five Step Ext? She has alot of good suggestions.

SG

Hi Jill – I wanted to comment about your missing your ex ( which, by the way, I concur that Amber Ault’s book will be a big help with moving forward in your life ). You loved your ex, and that needs to be respected because love is a beautiful part of a healthy person’s life. I am sure that you shared some beautiful moments together too. So, how to deal with the paradox of the abusive treatment and the good moments that Amber Ault explains as “ intermittent reinforcement “, is to balance your love with your wisdom. All of the learning that you are doing is giving you wisdom. When you think about something that your ex did that was mean ( which does create trauma bonding that is also one of the reason’s that we miss an abuser ), but when you think of an incident that is upsetting, then find the label or category that it pertains to in your books. For example ( I don’t know if this pertains to your situation or not, just an example of the procedure ) – say, you remember your ex blatantly flirting with someone right in front of you, and with the memory up comes a feeling of humiliation and jealousy. Acknowledge the feelings, and then label the situation as being “ triangulation “, then think about the concept of why abusers triangulate etc. – then it will pass ( the memory, feeling and analysis ). That is doing the wisdom work. In one of her books, Zari Ballard explains what to do with the cognitive dissonance when a good memory arises; she gave an example that went something like this – “ I loved when he told me that we would be together always, but now I know that wasn’t true “. She gave some other examples of statements like that, so when good memories come up for you, you can use her good strategy to deal with them. The whole ordeal of getting over an abusive relationship is a process and it does take time. But I think that the balancing of love and wisdom will hold you in good stead.
Blessings

Hi Jill – I hope you have received Amber’s book by now ( I used to get book in about 2 days from Amazon and now have to wait about 3 weeks even with my Prime membership, so I know what you’re up against ). Anyway, I’ve been restudying it and it is still helping me tremendously. Her clarity is amazing. I wanted to mention to be sure to read the introduction. It is actually an essential part of the book. Then look through the table of contents for what pertains to you. She suggests something like that as well. I usually read a book cover to cover and then go back, but with her book the table of content strategy is really best, in my opinion. I got a new theory that I have just come up with this morning, so it is still kind of an idea to “ throw out there “, but I thought I’d share it with you anyway. Like you, I suddenly started to feel a sense of love for my ex ( I’ve been reanalyzing the relationship with a lot of new knowledge ) and it made me wonder because you mentioned the same phenomenon. What I came up with is that it is a kind of “ Hoovering “ that we self inflict. Because as Amber explains in her book about “ Hoovering “ : she says, “ … tap into the part of you that still can’t and won’t and doesn’t want to believe that they are who they are. “. So I think that when it happens that we should just handle the feeling like we would for a Love Bombing Hoover – just acknowledge the feeling, drop it and move on. I am pretty sure that I am done now with analyzing my past relationship. I want to totally close that chapter now. However, I’ve been working with Cathy O’Brien’s book called, PTSD: Time To Heal – and she recommends writing out trauma ( she explains scientifically how it changes the neuron pathways in the brain ), and she says that “ You already survived it once, and remembering it and writing it out will only free you from it. “. She makes the point that talking about it will not do the same thing. She said that verbalizing memory can even re-traumatize you. So though I’ve made the decision now to stop ruminating about abusive memories and get on with my life, I am still going to do the trauma writing work. Anyway, that is my plan that I wanted to share with you in case you might find it useful for yourself.
Blessings

t- Glad you got amber’s book. It should help. take care.

SG

t- Yale has a free online course called The Science of Well Being. You might check that out. It is listed at Coursera

SG

Hi Jill – I watched Steven Furtick’s You Tube that you mentioned. I don’t think we’re allowed to post about religious matters on Love Fraud, so all I can say is that I think you are doing the right thing. I’m glad that you have turned in that direction. With that in mind, I will keep my comments on psychological aspects that I have found to work for me. First of all, I strongly believe that each person is so unique that they will have a special healing path that resonates just for them. And that we are drawn at specific times to what we need and I am always amazed how what might not cause an “ a ha “ moment at one time, will do so at another, and how I will think I understand something totally, and then when I come back to it at a later time, understand it so much deeper. But I like to put out what has helped me just in case someone else might just somehow gain something from my experience. I also do believe that when we share with each other, compassion is also shared. So I thank you for sharing all that you have and your kind words to me. By the way, in terms of Cathy O’Brian’s PTSD book, I wanted to explain a bit more about the technique. As I mentioned above, I totally get it that it might or might not be something you need currently – or would ever want to do ! In any case, her recommendation is not to sit down like a boring class assignment to write. What it’s about is that when your brain feels safe ( she explains how our brains actually have like a mind of their own ) – safe being No Contact – then it will bring up things that it wants you to become conscious of that it hadn’t previously allowed you to be aware of. So something will spark a memory or you will suddenly have a compelling memory arise. That is what to write about, and if you think about what your mind is trying to tell you, you will be amazed at some new insights you will discover. So it’s kind of fun actually – you become your own Sherlock Holmes ! But anyway, as I said, there are many many healing techniques and you will know which is best for you.
Blessings

Hi Jill – you sound like you are doing fantastically ! One of the participants from awhile back shared a You Tube of Frazey Ford’s music video of her song called “ Done “. I loved it so much and then got the song on my iPad which I play a lot at different intervals. I sometimes drum to it with my Native American drum which it goes perfect with too. Her song is so liberating and understanding and has a compassionate power. You might want to check it out !!!
Blessings

Hi everyone
I’m new here and I’ve recently come out of a relationship with who I have only just discovered ticks every box for a spath. I’m really not in a good place like many of us, finding it so hard to get my head round everything. My ex has moved straight in with another woman after I ended the relationship and I just feel so heartbroken 😔 and just don’t understand how it’s ever going to stop hurting. Please could someone with a little more insight help me to make sense of it? Xx

nightsky- There is alot of information here that can help you. You might get amber ault’s book The 5 Step Exit. Take care.

SG

Dear Nightsky,

Sunnygal’s advice is spot on – not only read everything Amber Ault has written, but Donna Andersen, too! Keep these books at your bedside – you’ll refer to them often. Consider these books an investment in your mental health.

Sadly, he had probably been cheating on you during the entire life of the relationship. Sociopaths are so insecure, they hate being single for even a second! They will always hook up at the first indication of a problem in their relationship instead of trying to deal with the problem.

You are in the right place.

We all are here to heal and build up our strength so that we don’t repeat!

Oh, by the way, Donna will be live on YouTube at 8 PM tonight (every Tuesday).

Yours truly,

Monica

P.S. See you tonight!

Yours truly,

Monica

Thank you so much Monica and sunny-gal for getting in touch ❤️ I’ve been reading as much as I can and learning. I guess it’s all such a shock when you start putting the pieces together. I think the hardest part is realising that it’s only one person that was truly invested in the relationship and that none of it was even real.

I just feel I’ve wasted 11 years on someone who felt absolutely nothing and it seems impossible to to have any vision for a happier future.

Thank you girls xx

nghtky- Can you get Donna’s book and Amber’s book?

SG

Hi nightsky – I’m so sorry for the heartbreak you are going through. I understand the pain of triangulation and the cruelty it is. It was so good that you were able to figure out that you needed to end the relationship and actually did end it. No matter how bad we are being treated, it is still difficult to end a toxic relationship. I think it is because of the crab boiling in water syndrome – the gradualness of the mistreatment causes survivors to adapt – and also because most of us had never been educated about psychological abuse, we couldn’t even understand what was really going on. For myself, even after being educated about much of the phenomena, I still have a difficult time grasping the concept and behaviors that are so alien to my own heart. So, that was a powerful step you took. As far as you thinking that your ex was feeling nothing – realize that he was very involved in abusing you. So he was there, very close psychologically and emotionally, but unfortunately from a very messed up state of consciousness. You didn’t write this specifically, but I’m thinking that there were stages that you went through in becoming disenchanted with who he was due to his mistreatment of you. S-paths see this as a form of standing up to them, and they cannot tolerate anyone standing up to them. Most likely he moved straight in with someone else as a way to get back at you and to hurt your feelings. Anyway, he will soon be abusing her. As they say, “ tigers don’t change their stripes “. I know you will still need to go through your grieving, but allow yourself to feel what you feel. That is the way to move on, by moving through. Also know that your time was not wasted at all. You’ve been able to go through deep levels of your heart and as you continue reading all the books that you are studying, your personal wisdom will grow as will your compassion. That may be hard to hear right now though. Another thing I wanted to touch on that I personally have struggled with and you might identify with too – it is that somehow, even after learning much, I still had to struggle to not to believe somehow that things that happened were my fault. It’s that “ if only “ syndrome of thinking if only I did or didn’t do this or that, then …. if you too find yourself going there, try to stop because it is part of the sociopath’s manipulation to always try to shift the blame onto the one who they are abusing. Remember that he is the one who prevented a happy sharing of love that you wished so much for. And be relieved that he is no longer in your life, because he could never ever have given you what you wanted – a loving relationship. Keep doing all that you are doing about learning more about this psychopathology, and you will become freer and freer from the pain that it has caused you.
Blessings

Hi Polestar
I’m so grateful for your reply, thankyou.

My ex became violent whilst I was pregnant and it continued for another 3 years until I phoned the police. He was convicted but I stupidly forgave him thinking the domestic abuse program he was ordered to attend would make him change his ways. The violence stopped for 3 years then he was convicted again for assaulting me. I once again forgave him. I can’t believe how stupid I was, I knew deep down men like him never change but having a child with him I felt so torn and held onto false hope that perhaps with more counselling he would realise he needed to change.
There were a string of other problems throughout the relationship, he was heavily into drugs although I didn’t know that until further down the line, he was giving drugs to my 16 year old daughter which I have only recently discovered. He was terrible with money, very irresponsible and impetuous, never seeming to learn from previous mistakes or understand cause and effect. I think one of the hardest thing to come to terms with is the sheer lack of morality and lack of thought for how his actions affected others.
I am so grateful that I finally see the bigger picture and for people like you who have experienced the same twisted, illogical behaviour. I just hope this never ending pain stops in time.

Thank you for listening ❤️

Hi nightsky – another thing that survivors do is that we all wonder and blame ourselves for staying in the horrible situation as long as we did. Everyone of us feels the exact same way about this aspect. Not only do we blame ourselves, but we feel confused about it too. There are many reasons that we stay – many many of them and they have to do with the very way abusers are able to manipulate others and the survivor’s hope that they will change. That is because the abuser gives intermittent reinforcement – sometimes acting very nice etc and then our hope is fed. In your case, as in the case of any mother, the hope is even stronger because of your wish for a family for your child. But intermittent reinforcement is one of the abuser’s methods to keep the partner hooked. In any case, I assure you that you are not to blame. Your intelligence will want to unravel all the reasons and not to take my word for it, and this is normal. But you can leave the unraveling of those reasons for a later date when you are much further along with your recovery. A doctor doesn’t do the stitches until the operation is completed, so there is a time and place for everything. For right now, from how I see things, you are in the “ Despair Stage “ of healing. Even though you have gained much awareness about psychological abuse, you still have feelings of confusion, self blame, hurt and emotional anguish. The way forward is – when your are suffering to acknowledge that you are despairing. And then to proceed with the next stage of healing called “ Education “. I know that you are in this stage too because you are educating yourself, but there is an overlap of the stages when a survivor still has one foot in Despair and the other foot in Education. So just keep going forward with all the learning that you are doing. The moment you start to feel despair, immediately “ Go for Help “ – that can be anything from reading a section in one of your books to watching one of Donna’s You Tubes to calling a friend etc. but be sure to go for help. At some point you will be more in the Education stage than in the Despair Stage, and you will continue to grow more and more in your healing and you will feel happier and happier. Thank you so much for sharing – it is deeply appreciated.
Blessings

Hi Jill – I totally agree. Those sociopaths are so boring ! Once we really get their number so to speak, and get out of their manipulative abuse and way into our own healing, it becomes very clear. And then we realize that they were not at all the person we thought they were ( that they were pretending to be ), and then we’re able to make the change of perception from ( the next is a quote that I really like ) “ Mr Wonderful “ to “ Mr I Don’t Think So “ – Ha ! But seriously, reading other people’s stories is an important part of healing. It helps us to know that we are not alone and it is a way to gain distance from the abuser and taking their abuse personally. Because then we see that it is a pattern of a terrible illness of someone else. We begin to understand that when we were going through the same exact thing that someone else is, we had no idea of what we were dealing with at that time. We didn’t know that countless others were struggling with trying to cope with the same exact patterns that the psychological abusers keep so well hidden in each of our particular relationships. So it is wonderful to be able to get a clearer view, and to be able to gain more and more clarity and to extricate ourselves out of the net of confusion that somebody was trying to throw over us. Keep up your great work – remember that we are all in this together – our healing community !
Blessings

Thanks again polestar.
Your advice is gratefully received. Can I ask if you feel like you are beginning to heal yourself, do you feel like you are moving forward in your journey?

❤️

Hi nightsky – what a wonderful question and thank you for your inquiry. What happened for me was after the relationship ended is when “ all h… broke loose “( don’t know if some words are unacceptable on Love Fraud forum – but I don’t know how else to put it ). Though I ended the relationship because of some obvious problems, it wasn’t until later that I began to learn about the hidden psychological abuse that I had suffered. Because most of the time during the relationship if I felt upset, I always just took the blame and thought there must be something wrong with me and then I would try to change and try to be better. Anyway, it wasn’t until after that I learned about what I had actually been subjected to and the psychological damage that had been done. So I had a lot of healing to do. I got stronger and when he hoovered I was able to put a stop to that and went total No Contact. There was a long period of “ naming snakes “ as Amber Ault called it in which I identified exactly what he had done and was able to put labels on like “ triangulation “ etc. That was still a part of the Education phase. In the meantime I tried to move on with my life doing constructive activities that I enjoyed and other health promoting avenues. The biggest struggle was when he would come into my mind, and I would keep trying to figure out why he did this or that, which was actually still naming snakes, and I realized that I needed to come to an end of that part of my healing. That part of learning was essential, but there comes a time when you really need to move to the next phase of healing. That’s when I went what I call “ Inner No Contact “. When the thought or feeling of him arose, then I would say to myself “ No Contact “ and let the thought go because otherwise I found, if I didn’t stop it right at the get go, then my mind would go on a whole story of all the “ if ands or buts “ of the situation. So that took some learning to understand not to do that. So that is where I am currently – I have moved forward and have a lot of happiness in my life now, while at the same time I am very careful to be aware if any thoughts arise that might bring me back spiraling down into the realm of psychological abuse, and I make sure to go Inner No Contact if the thought of anything to do with him arises. I do slip and fall down once in awhile, but I just get out my books and climb back up and out again. I hope that you might gain something from my experience. Thanks again for asking.
Blessings

Hi polestar
Thanks for getting back to me and sharing your steps to recovery. You sound as though you are making really good progress and have a strong mindset which is truly admirable. You’re absolutely right when you talk about the ‘ifs and buts’, I find myself doing it all the time. Thinking maybe if I hadn’t had pulled him up on certain behaviours or if maybe I over reacted to things that were done. The way they have this knack of making you doubt your own boundaries and standards and turn the tables all the time becomes so confusing. I found that one minute I would be offered an apology then the next minute it would all be my fault. Really does mess with your sanity. I know I need to try harder to get past trying to figure out someone disordered and be grateful that now I don’t have to live my life in perpetual confusion and misery.

❤️

Hi nightsky – wow ! Your last post was filled with much wisdom and clarity. You’ve got a good footing already. A lot of participants post their story, get some feedback and then drop off the forum. I’m not sure why because the Love Fraud forum is such a wonderful resource for support while survivors are healing. I know that there are many places to get stuck and pitfalls that can be time and energy consuming and which can be avoided by someone else’s experience of how they got through different ones and can share. So I hope that you continue to post and to ask any questions about your healing process because some of the participants are very wise indeed – as you are too!
Blessings

Thanks polestar,
I’ve noticed that there aren’t that many participants on the forum which is a shame because it’s a great source of support and a way of gaining knowledge from others.
I think going through this during lockdown makes things a lot more heightened and feels like a very lonely experience.
Can I ask you another question? But please don’t feel pressured to answer if you’d rather not. I just wondered if you like me struggled with feelings of still loving your ex partner and coming to terms with the blatant fact that it was only one sided. That what felt real was indeed a sham and never really existed. The feeling of complete betrayal is the part I am finding hardest to come to terms with. Although it makes sense logically that after gaining knowledge about how such a person operates, it is a far cry from how normal people conduct themselves and their emotions. My heart is having a tough time catching up with my brain if that makes sense.

❤️

Hi nightsky – I like answering questions and I like to dialogue! I did continue to love my ex and after realizing the extent of the abuse he demonstrated, that it added up to his not loving me back. Here’s the way I understand the dynamic at this point in time ( I find that I keep learning and growing ) – I’m going to express my understanding using the word “ we “ because I think we went through a similar experience. If you find what I say, or part of what I say to not be true for you, please let me know. Anyway, as I see it, we can love and find pleasure in loving, but our ex, because of his problems, really was not able to love and found pleasure in abusing instead. But we didn’t know this, particularly since he was able to “ act “ loving, initially get our interest and during times of “ intermittent reinforcement “. We didn’t know about psychological abusers and we thought that our ex was or would be capable of sharing love with us. When we think we still love them it is a projection of the love that we had and which they manipulated in order to get intimate and close and allow us to trust them. So, you are right – we did the loving, but I think we were in denial ( brain’s natural defense ) about the amount of pain that we were in due to abuse. The abuser, as I said, was quite aware of our pain and got pleasure from that. So it wasn’t like we were in a relationship vacume where we were alone loving. Our partner was very very involved and intent on keeping us hooked to stay in the relationship. Sometimes it seemed like they didn’t care because of ignoring us or acting like they didn’t care, but that is called “ passive aggression “ – they knew that that behavior made us feel unloved and alone, but that was still a way for them to have us put even more attention on them and to get a reaction. Kind of like when you send someone a gift far away – you know how happy they will be when they get it and it makes you happy too. In the same way, the sociopath knows that we are hurting even if he isn’t present. As far as your ex moving in with someone else, I’m sure he got a lot of energy – like an abuser’s feast – knowing what a hurtful thing he did to you, and he would be able to use that energy for awhile. But with No Contact from you, the support that he was gaining from your pain would dissipate and he would be left with a kind of emptiness and would need to fill it with abusing the new target. So, we need to remember and be thankful that we are capable of loving and that we have so very much love in our hearts. But we need to heal to feel it truly and to heal we need to stop projecting that love onto someone with such severe problems that they were never able to reciprocate it. I think that triangulation is one of the most horrific abuses, and we need to use our utmost inner strength not to allow that into our own consciousness. Thank you so much for sharing.
Blessings

Hey polestar, hope you’re ok.
You absolutely make a lot of sense and it makes such a difference to know that you understand and have walked in the same shoes. I just wish there was a switch we could flick to turn off the awful roller coaster that our minds seem to be on. I despise the person he is and the awful, inexcusable things he did but it’s the lie that at the same time we bought into that makes it so very hard. Like you say that when you’re actually in it you actually believe there is some love there too. It’s funny because although the red flags are popping up left, right and centre you don’t want to believe that the love really is fake. I just think to myself if it was one of my friends who had been put through the things we have I would have told them to run for the hills. I guess it’s the minds way of trying to pretend everything is ok and that at some point things will change.
At the moment I am finding it really difficult because I have a child with this man. Although he has been having supervised contact through my mum he is now wanting to take me to court and have unsupervised contact. I could really do without the stress to be honest and it just feels like this nightmare will never end. It almost feels like further punishment when all I want to do is try and move forward and protect my son.
I hope you’re doing ok and thank you again.

❤️

Hi everyone,

I’m just catching up with this series of posts. I’m pretty new on here so still finding my way around but I have really enjoyed reading this thread. Such kindness, warmth and great advice! I want to share one snippet from my own healing (and I’m only just starting out, it was only a few months ago that I realised my 20 years of nightmare was because he was a narcissist…) but here’s what has helped me.

A big part of my abuse was spiritual abuse. Before that I was a spiritual person, and by that I mean, really connected to a sense of higher purpose and a higher power. My ex destroyed that in me by making me feel absolutely unlovable (by God) because of all the ways I had “failed” Him. So my relationship with God just went into the toilet because God was basically an extension of my narc – I was traumatised by “God” as He was just a more powerful extension of my ex.

Anyway, I am still a deeply spiritual person who now doesn’t know how to contact God / higher power because of the trauma I’ve undergone. So I am just starting out very, very simply, by undoing the devastating inner critic. I now self-talk in positive and encouraging ways – I say “well done, [name myself], for that kind thing you just did for [name the other person]” or “you are looking lovely today, [name myself] – your eyes really shine.” That kind of thing. I have spent years feeling terrible about myself on every level and this is helping me to begin the healing journey – building up the strength to start trying some of the deeper healing processes.

By the way I have just ordered the Cathy O’Brien book based on polestar’s recommendation above – thank you!

Many blessings to all my beautiful companions. ❤️

Hi freeatlast
Your faith must be a great comfort to you and so glad you are now able to become spiritual again without the fear of your ex partner. It’s great that you’re sharing your experience, it definitely helps that we don’t feel so alone with what we have been through. Polestar has been a great help to me with her advice. I too have recently come out of a 12 year abusive relationship and it’s very hard. You sound incredibly positive I hope you are making good progress in your recovery.

❤️

Hi nightsky – I think the situation in general was a kind of Stockholm Syndrome. But the important thing is that we have been freed from the toxic environment and can get to finding our way back to the real us. I had quite an amazing experience that I wanted to share – I needed to go the homeopathic doctor due to am ailment, and he gave me a remedy. Well, the minute I took the remedy in his office, suddenly I started crying hysterically, and I cried and cried all the way home in my car. I thought it was the remedy that somehow caused this reaction, and when I needed to take it again, I was a little reluctant because I didn’t want to have a hysterical episode again. But I took it and I didn’t cry at all. I talked to the homeopath about it and he said that all the crying was due to what needed to come out and it got completed. Homeopathic remedies work not only on the body, but on deeper emotional levels too. But I didn’t go for the reason of releasing grief, it just occurred naturally. The result is that I feel much better and don’t need to have this tight rejection of the thought of my ex – it just isn’t a big deal for me now and I am feeling so much more my peaceful, happy self. Isn’t that amazing ? So I gather from all that, we really do need to allow our hurts from the past to surface and thus to be released. That is also why it was such an important step for us to get out of the abusive relationship – because it is impossible to allow hurts to be released and healed when the abuse just keeps coming and coming, so we instead enter the Stockholm Syndrome as a survival method when we are in the relationship. But it is the survival mode that also makes it difficult to leave. So we have a lot to be proud of ourselves for getting out! Anyway, in response to the court situation regarding your child – it is a difficult situation that you will need to face and walk through. Do the best you can with it and I get it that it’s the last thing in the world that you would want to deal with. A good lawyer will give you strong support. My opinion is that you get a male lawyer who you will feel a sense of male fighting and protective power. A female lawyer might give you the feeling of being understood while she does a good job, but a male would be your “ animus “, and you would feel a sense of protection. ( Animus is the male archetype in Jungian terms ). Anyway, that’s just my take. It sounds like you are really getting things sorted out psychologically so keep up the good work !
Blessings

Hi freeatlast – this is my opinion about how to reconnect with “ our higher power “ / God . When we are in an abusive situation, there is indeed a feeling of disconnect because of the ugliness we are faced with. That ugliness is the opposite of godliness. As you already know, we need to go No Contact to the level outwardly as possible and inwardly as we proceed healing more and more. Anyway, a technique I have found to be amazing to reconnect with that warm peace of our higher power is this ; find a comfortable place where you are all alone and can’t be disturbed. Close your eyes and feel into your heart. Then remember someone ( it can be someone who you know or knew in the past, or someone you have never met personally or it can even be a devoted pet or even a pet from long ago ) – but this someone is one who had been very kind to you at some point in your life or if you had never met them, for example an author in a book who showed much compassion and kindness etc, or a pet who loved you very much. Then take that warm feeling of love deep into your heart. This will reconnect you to your higher power. The techniques that you have described that you are already doing are wonderful too. By the way, I thought of an idea for you ! To keep an incident log. Meaning, whenever you need to deal with your ex, to log it by putting the date, the situation, how you handled it, how you felt, if you were happy about how you handled it or what you would have preferred doing. As you keep a record, I think you will feel a sense of self esteem growing from seeing your progress and personal growth and your developing skill. I actually got the idea from a book called, “ You Can’t Say That To Me – Stopping the Pain of Verbal Abuse – an 8 Step Program “ by Suzette Haden Elgin. Glad you’re getting Cathy O’Brian’s book. Her story and healing is truly remarkable – you are going to be amazed at the results you will get !
Blessings

Hi nightsky7, hi polestar, thank you both for your comments. I loved the exercise you suggested, polestar – I will definitely try that. You are absolutely right in that, how can we return to ourselves while in such a toxic environment? Pure poison… and it makes perfect sense that the survival mode/stockholm syndrome is why it is so hard to leave the relationship. Mine is over, and he left me, but mentally it is hard for me to truly leave him. Even though I want to. By the way, in my journal I have already written down what I would say to him if he should ever try to hoover me back. Even if I don’t actually send it or say it, I can turn to that and read it for the strength to stay firm. I’m looking forward to reading the Cathy O’Brien book when it arrives!

Hi freeatlast – what you posted was so perceptive because the bottom line is that whether the partner leaves us or we leave them, the important issue is for us to really go No Contact inwardly. There are a few quandaries to deal with in that regard. The first is the emotional connection, and the only way to overcome that is by not allowing the mind to dwell on the person or the relationship. To do that one must put the mind on someone else or on an activity that engages the mind, or on affirmations etc. But there must be a kind of awareness to not let the ex creep ( double meaning ! ) back. That part is very doable with practice. The other quandary is that as the learning about psychological abuse is being studied, it is natural to apply what is being learned to what has been experienced personally in the abusive relationship. I myself have struggled with this, but I came to the conclusion that remembering my ex during study to serve as an example to understand the information is part of the healing and then at other times during my normal day’s activities to do the inner No Contact by not allowing the thought of them into my thinking. You had mentioned that you used to have more of a spiritual connection in the past which you feel got disconnected due to the abusive treatment. I would be interested to know what type of spiritual practices or path you used to do or follow, if you would wish to share that. Good idea about writing your statement to reply to a Hoover – it is kind of like your Declaration of Independence !
Blessings
Blessings

Hi polestar and freeatlast
Polestar you do offer the best advice but I confess to still having the ex in my head almost 24/7 even when I do try to distract myself I can’t seem to control the thoughts. Due to him threatening to take me to court for child contact I just can’t seem to switch it all off. Do you have any advice as to how else I can stop the intrusive thoughts and constant worrying?

❤️

Hi polestar and nightsky7,
That was great advice on making a distinction between thinking of the ex for healing purposes – to study and learn about the narcissist in order to protect oneself in the future as well as to heal from the past by reframing what happened – and to think of the ex because we can’t stop thinking about them. That was very helpful, thank you. I don’t really want to go back to my old spiritual path. It’s so tied up with the abuse, so I’ll eventually be looking for another path anyhow. I’m currently just drawn to really simple mindfulness, that’s just about clearing the mind and not focusing on a deity. I’ve been doing the Coursera wellbeing course (free through Yale) and that is focused on “positive psychology” and I would say that currently that’s where my interest is.
Blessings to you.

free- The wellbeing course sounds good. You could start a topic and share about it here.

SG

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by Sunnygal.

Hi nightsky – It is perfectly understandable that you are in a state of worry about the court issue with your ex and that would keep your mind on him because he has created a situation that you need to participate with him, though it is via the court. The only way out, is for you to “ take the bull by the horns “ so to speak. Instead of trying to go inner No Contact, and thus have nothing to do with him, you need to do a lot of work regarding the court. You are still No Contact with him personally, but you need to put your intelligence and energy into things like researching and taking notes about everything you can find about child visitation cases, investigate ways to find legal help and attorneys and issues about who specializes in your type of case, learn all you can about other rulings and who won and who lost to prepare your case. Brainstorm to think of all the avenues you can and you can do things like taking good notes and get a file system going. I think there is information here at Love Fraud too. To give you a personal example of what I mean by something in my life – a long time ago, I had a neighbor who wanted to cut the roots of all the trees on the property line so he could put in a deep cement wall. I believed that with the root cutting and cement, that the trees could get sick or even die. I hired an attorney, but they charged by the hour and so I decided to do everything I could to research the issue and help with the case to cut expenses. I spent a lot of time at the Law library and as the case proceeded, I even had to say a speech to the coastal commission. I mainly did the work, and when I needed to speak to the attorney, I was kind of like a co-attorney. In the end, I won and the neighbor had to make the wall go around each tree thus not cutting roots, and to put a liner down to keep the cement from the roots. I loved the trees and wanted to protect them, and all my work that I was involved with kept me from passively letting the legal system just run. By really working on the case, it kept me from passively worrying. To compare the situation with yours – I didn’t need to communicate with my neighbor at all, so as you really get involved with your case, you can still be No Contact with your ex. So, the only way to stop worrying and also not concentrate on your ex, is to go assertively forward. I’m even thinking that it would also be a good idea to find out how the court system is proceeding these days with the corona problem. Things might be really slow or even to a large degree stopped with visitation issues. Thanks for asking about your important issue.
Blessings

Hi freeatlast – thank you for sharing about your well being course. Positive psychology is so important. You are doing already what I’m going to mention, but I wanted to point out that survivors really need to create new pathways in their life at the same time that they are healing from past abuse. Because if a person is only concentrating on learning about psychological abuse, and the day arrives when there is no more emotional charge or the abuse has been able to be put behind regarding the ex, then if the survivor hasn’t established new areas of interest, they would be facing a void or vacume. Sociopaths manipulate so the partner fixes attention on them to a large degree, that their own interests can get lost. So reestablishing new interests and spirituality ( whatever form ) is so important. And I’m glad you are doing that ! An example for me is that I like to learn to play instruments, but it sometimes takes a lot of will power to turn my attention to something I really enjoy and away from concentration on learning more about psychological abuse ( though that is still important too !). Anyway, I just wanted to share that.
Blessings

Hi polestar, that is really, really good advice. For the first few weeks/months, once I realised what had been going on, that’s all I could think about and I spent all my spare time reading about it and journalling etc. I feel like I’m moving away from that total obsession phase and making definite efforts at actually creating a new life for me. I’ve learnt to crochet and am going back to my studies to become an astrologer. I had gained my certificate level a few years ago and now I’m making plans to continue with my diploma in the autumn. It’s good to have my mind fully occupied on something other than HIM!! Blessings to you.

Hi freeatlast – I love that you will be continuing with being an astrologer! You will enjoy continuing your education and will end up with a very fulfilling career. That is so wonderful. In one of your past posts, you said about “ heal from the past by reframing what happened “. That was a huge “ aha “ for me ! The idea and concept of “ reframing “ though I was doing that, made it understandable what I was doing and that has been a tremendous help to me. Anyway, I am absolutely thrilled by the strides you are making !
Blessings

free- I also find astrology interesting. I am a Pisces. I read that we are dealing with thr pandemic because Saturn is in Capricorn.

SG

free- Hope you are doing o.k.

SG

free- Ecuse the typos. My keyboard is not woring ell. getting ne computer.

SG

Hi polestar, hi Sunnygal, I’ve been offline a few days… not even sure why. Polestar, I am loving studying astrology because it speaks to me like a language that I can understand. Yes, I really hope to be qualified one day and be able to use it to help others. In terms of reframing the past, I’m actually re-writing out some of the bs stuff that happened to me, and writing out things i wish i’d said to him at the time, or putting my own commentary on it. It makes me realise that deep down, all along, I knew – otherwise why would these horrible moments have lingered so deeply in my memory? I knew he was out of order when he did and said those things. I just turned a blind eye.

In terms of the astrology… I haven’t yet studied the astrology of global events. I note you said you were a Pisces, Sunnygal, and Pisces is a sign of great emotion and empathy. I have a lot of Pisces prominent in my chart and I have learnt the hard way that I have to set and maintain personal boundaries. It’s very easy for people like us to be so darn empathetic that we fail to empathise with ourselves!

Hugs to you both.

Hi freeatlast – Glad about your interest in Astrology. Also, what you said about “ reframing “ was insightful. I may be saying the same thing as you are, but the way that I have been relating to the term is that every time I learn something new ( or understand it better ), it seems like I perceive the dynamic of the relationship in a whole new way than I did before. So it ends up being a totally different experience than I originally had. That is the part that seems similar to your experience. So as we actually live in the here and now, then the now of our perception is the reality. With your interest and study of Astrology, your vibration will be lifted to a higher plane, and I can see that you are doing just that!
Blessings

Hi polestar, yes, what you’re describing is exactly IT! It helps me to write it down because it feels more anchored in my reality to write the experience and then overlay it with my current understanding – kind of like revisitng the experience and having the final say instead of being cowed into silence. Did you ever watch the Handmaid’s Tale? It’s a process a bit like Offred’s voice-overs commenting on what is happening, when she wouldn’t say those things aloud. Exactly like that. Repressed, bullied, but inwardly commentating. It’s very powerful for me.

Hi free – yes, the writing is so important, and the significance is explained in Kathy O’Brians’s PTSD book about that it is the main method to overcome mind control, because writing puts your consciousness in another literal mind path in the brain. If I’m not mistaken, I think you got that book. I never saw the ‘ Handmaid’s tale “ but I am going to definitely watch it! A movie that I thought was powerful about the subject of abuse is “ The Piano “. Apart from it being a beautiful work of art, with the score that is magnificent ( I purchased the score ), the dichotomy of seeing a loving man’s behavior contrasted with an abuser’s makes our own experience very apparent. It also brings up an issue that I have been contemplating lately – and that is ( apart from doing our own new endeavors and getting on with our lives ) when we are learning more about psychological abuse, instead of focusing on their different sick patterns of behavior, to look at ** what was not there **. To look into our own heart, and remember what it feels like to be truly loved and appreciated, and how it feels to be a woman who is just “ flying “ if you know what I mean. So for me that entails saying, “ wait a minute … I always hoped for that, but didn’t quite realize it because I was distracted by coping with a bunch of unkindness or indifference “. So remembering has been significant in getting back to my true self. And that is bringing much closure that I had wanted. Anyway, just wanted to share that. By the way, if you haven’t seen “ The Piano “, be aware that it is quite intense and could be triggering or could be helpful, depending on where a person is in their healing. Thanks again for sharing.
Blessings to you

Hi polestar – wow, I’ll definitely take a look at The Piano – looks amazing! I think I can handle it. Thanks for the recommendation. Yes, watch The Handmaid’s Tale – again, if you are up to it. What happens when a whole bunch of narcissists and psychopaths are running the whole show… The female lead’s commentaries (done as voiceover) on her situation are priceless.

Also, I totally relate to what you are saying about retrieving the bits of you that got lost in all the difficulties of just staying afloat whilst in an abusive situation. I’m just starting to reflect on all the bits of me that got neglected, all the goals of mine that got derailed, while I was living as someone else’s prisoner. I’m not at the point yet of doing anything about any of it, because I’m still coming out of the anger and obsession stage, but it’s a good feeling to contemplate on all the new things that can become part of my life over the next few years, that couldn’t have been in it before. I was stopped from doing so many things that I wanted to do, and now I am free to choose for myself…

Hi freeatlast – your posts have been an inspiration. I understand that you are still going through a lot, but from my vantage point, I perceive tremendous light in and about all that you are. Perhaps it is your hopeful vision of the wonderful life you have in store for you … and that is the truth !
Blessings

Hi freeatlast, I just was going to get the Handmaid’s Tale ( the movie) on I Tunes, and I watched the trailer. There were no voice-overs on the trailer, so I’m not sure what is going on – if they just didn’t have them on the trailer or what. The movie seemed to be futuristic and about sterility and conception etc. Do you think it will be the same one you watched if I do get it?
Thanks and many blessings

Hi polestar – the Handmaid’s Tale I was watching was the series starring Elizabeth Moss, not the movie. I recommend the series if you can get hold of it.
And thank you for your very kind comments! Yes, I’m hopeful that there is something better ahead for me. Right now I’m just focusing on taking care of myself.
Blessings to you.

Dear Friends,

Have read The Handmaid’s Tale in book form, watched the series and the movie – they are all excellent, and I highly recommend all three for anyone in recovery from a sociopath or sociopaths.

It describes both male and female sociopaths, as well as healthy men and women.

Am sure the author experienced both male and female sociopaths in their life.

Reading fiction and non-fiction about this topic is called bibliotherapy, and is a great adjunct to talk therapy. One warning though, it can be triggering.

Yours truly,

Monica

Hi freeatlast and Monica – I’m pretty sure they have the series on You Tube and from what both of you have said, I’m so exited to watch it ! Thanks so much and many blessings.

PS – the book and movie sound awesome too !

Dear Polestar and Freeatlast,

Have researched The Piano and learned that the woman who wrote the award winning novel also wrote the screenplay. The movie was directed by an award winning woman director. The actress starring in the lead role actually plays the piano, using her own scores. The lead actress and the girl who played her daughter both won Academy Awards, with the 11 year old girl being the second youngest actress winning an Academy Award.

Have not read the book or watched the DVD (movie) yet, but I look forward to now that my library is open (on an appointment only basis, pick up service only). Requesting the book and DVD.

Notice that it can be very triggering, as it shows a character with very strong sociopathic tendencies.

Yours truly,

Monica

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by monicapz.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by monicapz.

Roger Ebert has a good review of The PIano.

SG

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Sunnygal.

Hi everyone, – I had no idea about all those facts about the background of The Piano. Everything about that movie is ( I don’t even have a good enough word ! ) profound and amazingly beautiful. And yes, it can be triggering so one needs to be a certain way in their healing for it to be beneficial instead of disturbing. Often, actresses and actors don’t always sing or really play the instrument for their role, so I was so happy to know that this actress did. It is just so moving to see her play. Monica, I am delighted that you will be getting it from your library ( and that people can now check out items ). By the way, Sunnygal, I’m pretty sure that you were the one who recommended the movie awhile back in one of your posts. I’m grateful that you did. I’m ” on my way ” to download some of the Handmaid’s Tale now !
Blessings

Hi Monica – I’ve started to watch the Handmaid’s tale ( 2 episodes so far ). It is amazing ! I can understand how you read the book. I’m thinking of doing that too. Books always have a different dimension than when it is transferred to a different media. Many times a movie does not come close to the depth of a book, but in this case regarding the series, though I haven’t read the book yet, it seems that this series stands on its own merit in terms of power and insight. Oh wow – that Elizabeth Moss! I’ve gained so much from it, and one of the main things is the Handmaid’s strength to be and keep herself, her true spirit regardless of the outer circumstances. That inspires me because it looks like the pretty obvious thing to do, in our own lives it takes such fortitude and it is so helpful to see it being portrayed. Thanks for your encouragement about The Handmaid’s Tale – in all the forms.
Blessings

Yes – the Handmaid’s Tale is so deep and insightful and Elizabeth Moss is remarkable in her role. I’m glad you’re enjoying it!

Hi everybody – I just got to the part ( 4th episode ), when Elizabeth got released from the confine of her room to walk outside after her talk with the commander. Somewhere or sometime in my life, I can’t really remember the exact incident even, but I got a feeling of remembrance from that scene and it awakened a deep happiness in me. I guess that is where we are headed with our healing and recovery process – to get out of that gloomy room of oppression. I liked the part also when all the Handmaids gave her little gifts of their saved food, and all stood around her showing her their love and support. That is what is beautiful about our healing community.
Blessings