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This is my first time reaching out to anyone. I believe this is how I will begin my healing process. I had never been able to explain what I described as the “Vortex of Hell” I have been living in for many years. When he was caught with no way out of participation on sex/date websites he denied it with the concrete proof in my hands. Then I knew this is really more than my worst nightmare. But it wasn’t the betrayal of that. It was the absolute callous and arrogant response that killed me so much more. It was the years prior to that I had never experienced a coldness that left me alone, desperate to confirm that he loved me somehow when he broke me into pieces at the moments I needed him to hold my heart the most. And it was and still is the desperation to find love or comfort from the one that hurt me the most in the first place. The torture of that alone is astounding. I could not begin to explain what this is to most of my family. He LOVES me so much! He ADORES me! They have no clue that I believe that he actually despises everything about me. His words never match his actions. Right now I am invested in a 14 year marriage with a 13 and 10 year old who are the most beautiful, pure and honest things. How do I pull their world out from under them? And I don’t want them to be exposed to him without my protection and diversion. I can sacrifice my life to keep that from them because I love them that much. I have got to get myself help! I am not sure if this is what it is but my life couldn’t be explained any better than the patterns of crazy I’ve read about for months. It gives it a validity and it is real, concrete, and I’m not crazy, though I am after I deal with the sick cycle over and over. I need to connect to begin my journey.
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gccc,
This is a safe place to tell your story and get some support. There are a zillion articles in the search area at the bottom of the page that can also help you understand what you have been through, and perhaps how to exit your situation with the least amount of additional trauma to you and your children. Donna also does phone consults if you need some more specific time with someone who understands.
The kids do complicate the situation, because of course you want to protect them. And sometimes what you need (to get away from his abuse and lies), is made more complicated by custody matters, etc. I have no children so have not been through anything like that. But many women, and men, here have.
What I would tell someone with a less complex situation is that the sooner you can get away, and never make contact again, the better your chances of a full recovery. But I also know that other mothers have managed to make a break, and limit contact, with success.
Slim
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Gccc – I am so sorry for your situation. The good news is that you are not crazy. You have always perceived things correctly, it’s just that you didn’t know what you were perceiving. Keep reading here on Lovefraud – I’m sure you’ll find many articles that will resonate with you.
We also have lots of information that will help you understand what you’re dealing with and figure out how to move forward.
As Slimone said, usually the advice is to get out as soon as possible, but with children there are other considerations. This is a complex decision, which I will address for you in my blog post tomorrow. Please check back.
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Hi gccc, sending you huge hugs hon.💜 It’s absolutely terrifying to have your mind wake up from the hell you are living. It’s shocking, as well as paralyzing. But, the truth will set you free!!
I like what Dr Phil says about divorce for children:
“It’s better for children to come from a broken home, then to live in a broken home”.
Your children are in the same “vortex hell” that you are living. But, they are to young to understand that…this hell is NOT NORMAL!! Everyday they stay…they too, will need to heal, justs like you.
With that said…YOU MUST PLAN YOUR EXIT OUT OF THIS DANGEROUS DANGEROUS SITUATION!!
The most dangerous time for a woman in a abusive relationship is when she is either ready to leave or has just lift her abuser.
So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get help from your local National Domestic Violence Center…in the USA you can call 800-799-SAFE to talk with a free counselor and also to get local Abuse center phone numbers where you can go get free counseling & also attend free women group meetings. DO NOT feel embarrassed to call or go to your local center for help. Did you know that 1 in 3 woman will be in a abusive relationship? This is one of the silent epidemics in our world.
Also, I would recommend that you get your hormonal balanced due to the long term stress you have been under from your abuser. Your health, is most likely suffering and this will limit your strength to get thru divorcing this abuser. Look after your health. Donna has several articles on balancing your hormones & steps in healing your body. Look up Adrenal fatigue symptoms. Also, this documentary which is free on you tube is quite powerful “Super juice me” to heal your body.
Please also tell your most trusted friends and family what is really going on in this marriage. As they say, “THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE’. This is one of the most profound moments in my own hellish nightmare after escaping. Remember one of the first things a abuser will do is isolate the victims to prevent them from telling others what is really going on. Set yourself free mentally hon.
YOU SHOULD BE SO INCREDIBLY PROUD OF YOURSELF FOR HAVING THE COURAGE TO SERACH ON THE NET FOR ANSWERS AND FOR HAVING THE STRENGTH TO POST HER AT LOVEFRAUD!!! This is the first step to your new found freedom!! BRAVO!!! Pat yourself on the back hon.
This is a POWERFUL MOMENT FOR YOU!! AND YOUR CHILDREN!
Do a searh here on Lovefraud for “One moms battle” and also “Husband, Liar, Sociopath”. Donna’s books are excellent. If you purchase her books have a friend buy them for you & ship them to their house for your safety.
CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER HISTORY EVERY TIME YOU SERCH ANYTHING!! Have friends help you find a lawyer who understand domestic abuse. Not all lawyers do. Have all your ducks in the row before you serve him divorce papers.
ASK YOUR LOCAL ABUSE CENTER FOR HELP WITH A “DOMESTIC AUBSE EXIT PLAN” OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP ALSO A “DOMESTIC ABUSE SAFETY PLAN”. Look this up on the National domestic violence hotline website and also on you tube. There is a lot of info on this. Have your most trusted friends & family do the same.
I promise you this…with time you will heal from this nightmare…with time you will know that you did the right thing escaping this “Vortex hell” that you are living.
Wishing you all the best!! 💜💜💜
take care 🌺🌺🌺
PS..DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED FROM THIS SITE…FOR YOUR SAFETY & YOUR CHILDREN…you will need to bit your tongue until you escape.
look these up here on lovefruad.
gas lighting abuse
triangulation
smear campaign
no contact rule
grey rock method
low contact rule.
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jan7- Good to see your post.
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gccc- How is it going?
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jan7- You are right on in saying the abuser will isolate victims so others will not know what is going on.
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