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Hello,
I have come here to make some sense of what on earth has happened to me. I met a man on an online dating site. We hit it off instantly. The love bombing began. Big romantic gestures, wonderful dates, he engaged so well with my son, took us out to fun places, played games with us and it felt like a whirlwind romance. Six months in and we were engaged. He was my soul mate. There were some odd things. He had absolutely no friends and put this down to being an introvert. He barely had a relationship with his family and said it was because they were selfish. He had previous long relationships that all seemed to end oddly, like in a puff of smoke with no feelings of love or missing them or anomosity or a real explanation of why it ended with them. I had just finished a degree and was struggling to find work. He suggested i leave my rented property and move into my mothers with my son until his house had been refurbished – then we coud move in and all lve happily ever after. i did this and as soon as i did this something changed. It was like a switch had been flicked. The change happened in a day. I eventually found a job and within two weeks in being in that job, he cancelled our wedding plans and decided we wanted us to still move in but eventually we would have to move to a different house because he couldnt envisage us all living in his house. i was devestated and cried and he just looked at me blankly. he truly didnt understand why i was upset. He didnt seem as interested in me anymore, he didnt listen to me like he used to, he didnt look at me the same way. i questioned this and he said i was imagining it and that we had to get on with normal life now and the honeymoon phase was over. I am a very intuitive person and began digging into his past relationships. he hated the questioning and asked me to stop. i asked him if he truly knew how to love people and if he ever felt it and if he felt guilt or remorse. He said he lived me and i was being sensitive but that he liked that about me. He said he just didnt want the wedding we had booked and that we should arrange a new one. We did this and my son and i eventually moved in with him. I booked the wedding, he paid for it, i bought my dress and booked appointments and leading up to the wedding he never mentioned it, discussed it, planned anything. nothing. He began drinking heavily and as long as i knew him had this constant boredom and tedium about life, work, etc. starting new projects and then moving on quickly to something else.. bored of every day life things. he stopped engaging with my son and even started ignoring him. i questioned this and told him i was unhappy – he tried to change but i could tell it was pretense. Three weeks before the wedding he said he didnt want anyone there, just us. he told me to tell my family and friends they couldnt come. Two weeks before the wedding he told me he didnt want to get married. I said i was leaving. he begged me to stay and said we would get married next year. ovwr the year i felt like i lost myself trying to get the man i fell in love with back. The man i met in the beginning. I stopped seeing friends so much and spent most of my time without him crying. 2 weeks. Shortly after this he stopped texting me whilst at work and barely conversed with me even though we lived together. I questioned this and he said that he didnt want to be in a relationship with a mum and didnt want to love with my child. I said we would leave. Whilst packing he cried and said he didnt mean it, can we work togther and he would stop drinking. I said yes initially but none of felt right so after a couple of days i said i was leaving. He helped me pack, he seemed up beat. he moved my and my sons stuff back to my mums. I was distraught and even though i ended it, it felt like he dumped me. when he dropped me at my mums he wanted a day out. He took me shopping, bought me and my son clothes, took me for luch and we went for a walk and then he wanted to go out for dinner. it was so confusing, i stopped at the walk and asked him to take me home. he dropped me home and as i walked to my mums door in tears, he drove past and said ‘ take care, stay strong’. i spent a week not eating or sleeping and i did a stupid thing. i e mailed him. i told him how i was feeling. poured my heart out and he e mailed me back how well he was doing not drinking and all the great stuff hes been doing. it was all about him and he didnt address any of the things in the email. i believe he is a sociopath but when reading up about this there are some inconsistencies. He never physically or verbally abused me. He never out me down, in fact he was supportive a lot of the time. He wasnt a compulsive liar. He didnt drain me of finances. In fact he wanted to financially support me which i susoect was some kind of controlling thing. He held down a good job he had had for over 25 years. I dont think he ever cheated on me and he never talked about other women. He did however abise alcohol. He did have that boredom tedium thing that is described. he had no friends and no relationship with family. He had no love, emathy, remorse or guilt and seemed to just get rid of me and get on with life. I feel like ive hada long dream and just woke up. I feel like a broken toy. I have been left with nothing. No home of my own, no furniture, not enough money to strat again for a while and just memories of a man i once loved ho was never real. i am on medication and seeking therapy but i wonder if this broken feeling will ever go away. how could someone be so loving and perfect and treat someone who cared for them until the end in such an emotionless way.
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He sounds like a sociopath. Sorry you are now in difficult place. You need to heal from the betrayal so you can go forward.
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Faircat19 – the guy is definitely disordered. Exploitative personality disorders are a syndrome – which means a collection of different traits. They are also on a continuum – which means they can have any of the traits to greater or lesser degrees. So the bottom line is that they are not all the same. The guy you were with may actually be borderline. But in the end, the precise disorder doesnt matter. All you need to know is that he is not capable of love and cannot give you the life you want.
You definitely can get over this experience. It takes time, and it will be bumpy. But keep reading Lovefraud. We have lots of information to help you.
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I don’t know if this guy I was dating was borderline or what 2 dates. Was supposed to go out on 3rd. Met online. He did all the right things. We were supposed to go to baseball game. Then he said I didn’t know tickets were so pricey.he offered bowling. He’s been a widower for 1yr. The next day I get a text saying he think we should end this. I am not the man you said u wanted . I think I’m trying to date too early .so there. Hugh Kearney. I got I’ll for 3 days I was shocked. I never told him I what kind of man I wanted. He blocked me. No phone calls just went ghost. My niece think he got mad because I did not sleep with him perhaps. This guy pursued me. I never pursued him. The dates were wonderful. But I noticed.when we had conversations .he was talking about how expensive it was to renovate his house. How pricey this and that was. I went on his Facebook checked him out. It really hurt me how he behaved like I was trash. I’m so angry my trust radar is so high. Now. I trust no one. Depressed. No appetite. In the back of my head something told me this was too good to be true. He seem as though he wanted to see me every weekend. The dumping text. Seem so harsh. Then blocked me. Went ghost. I need help.
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paula- You posted on another topic. Better to start your own topic so people see your post.
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paula- Since no one has responded I would say some men like to hook you and once you are hooked, they discard you. He sounds disordered and cannot love. Best to just move on. There are blogs here about that.
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Paula, I’m sorry for your very disconcerting experience. Was this guy a borderline? I can’t possibly tell. Often we can’t. But it doesn’t matter anyway. All that matters is that his behavior was unreasonable! Self-centered, self-absorbed, disrespectful, even cruel, not to mention irrational and outright weird! At the very least he’s “got issues,” as the saying goes!
As long as you remain centered within yourself you’ll be able to see that this was all “his problem” and none of it was yours, no matter what kind of “disorder” he’s afflicted with.
What can I say about him? That he’s wrapped up in his own “problems” to the exclusion of how his behavior affects you! He agonizes over money and expense, but he’s not considering how his self-absorption is shutting out your own concerns, not to mention how his abrupt changes of plan could be throwing you for a loop. He doesn’t plan ahead, either. He ought to find out what tickets cost before presuming to offer you a trip to the ballgame.
Your niece might be right that he got mad because you haven’t slept with him yet (thank goodness!), but if so, what incredibly immature behavior to throw a tantrum over it! Or he could somehow have perceived that he’s not the kind of man he thinks you want, or indeed that’s “not ready to date yet” after being widowed–but whatever rubbish is going on in his head, he’s not respecting you in the least. To break up by text like that, and to “ghost” you and block you is just plain cruel.
Is he a pathological narcissist, so wrapped up in himself that he couldn’t give a damn how his behavior affects others? Who knows? But one more thing struck me as truly weird:
The next day I get a text saying he think we should end this. I am not the man you said u wanted . I think I’m trying to date too early .so there. Hugh Kearney.
“Hugh Kearney”? WHY “Hugh Kearney”???
All right, maybe there is an explanation for this. If you know what it is, I’d be genuinely interested to hear it! You’re seriously not going to tell us that was his name, are you?
I realize it could be some obscure joke or allusion he’d already shared with you. Or it might just have been a “handle” he was using. We’re free to call ourselves anything we like on the Web, after all. I know I do! On one Web site I called myself “Heath Robinson,” and one dumb woman (who was behaving very obnoxiously toward me) actually thought it was my real name! If I’d called myself “Rube Goldberg” instead, would she get a clue? Another lady on the same site was calling herself “Cathy Earnshaw.” I wondered if that woman thought it was her real name too! Get with it, dear! But all that was just ordinary fun, and the whole thing had me in stitches.
So sure, I realize there could be a rational explanation for the “Hugh Kearney” allusion. But out of context and lacking such an explanation, it just struck me as bizarre. I could be reading this all wrong, and please correct me if I am! But the impression it left me with was that this guy who’d been wooing you just threw in this reference to “Hugh Kearney” because it was in his own head for some reason of his own, a reason that nobody else can be expected to understand because we’re not mind readers and not privy to his thoughts! Yet he acts as if he believes we ought to understand him anyway. There could be something delusional about that, and if it happened to freak you out, that’s entirely understandable!
I can’t pretend to know what was wrong with him, but don’t worry, you’ll get over this anyway. There are all kinds of weirdos in the world. All you need to do is avoid them. Good luck!
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This hugh sent me a email . Stating why we can’t be together. Some crap about I did not hear him about his money issues. I should have suggested Dutch for the 3rd date. Like I’m a mind reader . The dummy asked me out!! I’m done anyway with him. Thank God!. Saying he did not ghost me. Etc. He did tell me he is taking lorazepam. which is known for anxiety and bipolar and used for alcohol addiction. There’s a question mark.
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Peaceoflife, You are welcome! That is part of what happens here at Lovefraud, we care for each other, provide requested feedback, and support each other’s learning. I would not have survived without this community, and Donna. The things I learned here, and the support that was given me, were like threads of gold helping me find my way to healing.
It takes time, and the pain is deep and difficult, but healing and a better life are possible. Lots of us here have overcome our shock and despair, and are living happily either alone or with new (healthy) partners.
It is good that you have no shared reason to stay in touch with him. And I am sorry your kids suffered. But Sunnygal is right…we all do the best with what we know at the time. You really do have to try and forgive YOURSELF for being with him. Don’t worry too much about forgiving him, he doesn’t deserve forgiveness, and it is necessary for you to have kind thoughts towards him. Just do whatever you can to be kind to yourself, care for yourself, be gentle with yourself.
What you have been through is a TRAUMA. Like losing everything in a hurricane. You just ignored the warning to ‘evacuate’. That doesn’t make you a bad person, or anything like that. You just didn’t know the how destructive the storm was going to be.
Hugs, Slim
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I meant: it is UNNECESSARY for you to have kind thoughts towards him
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paula- Yes, No Contact is the way to go.
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