5 years later I’m still crushed

Hi notlongnow –
I am sorry that you are having a hard time. I will address the issue with your x. It is great that you have been able to go completely No Contact. It is so much more difficult to put the past behind us when we still have the sociopath in our life no matter what the role or circumstance. There are many healing steps that all depend where you are in the process and the length of time that a person has gone No Contact. Even though it is more recently that you have gone totally No Contact, you were actually broken up years ago, so I have a plan for you. Others on this site may have differing opinions, but this is what I think would serve you well : that is to go No Contact in your mental life. That means that anytime the thought of him comes up, you can consciously turn your mind away and direct it somewhere else. So the thought of him would include any financial losses or other losses – any and every thought that comes up that has any connection to him, dismiss it and then use your will power to direct your thinking elsewhere. So you need to find something that interests you to have a place to redirect your mind. There are many wonderful areas of wonder and delight to learn about and enjoy in life or to find a hobby. The easiest first step would be to read a great thriller book. The kind you can’t put down. Then if the thought of your X or anyone or anything to do with him comes up, have your book ready. Or your paints or your ukulele or whatever ! This is your life to begin with a fresh start. You are very valuable and your inner beauty dies not depend on anyone else’s approval or judgement. This can be an exciting time of self discovery for you – so embrace the opportunity with assertion and determination that you will live a great life starting today and renewing that determination everyday. Then one day you will wake up and realize that it has been a long time since the thought of him even has come up. Blessings

Notlongnow. Good for no contact. Take care of yourself. Blessings

notlongnow – I am so sorry for your experience. Many of us here on Lovefraud understand the devastation you are experiencing. I understand why you stayed involved with the man as long as you did, and I am very glad that you are now able to go No Contact.

I agree with Polestar – a good way to start to rebuild is to find something new to do. There is actually research showing that novelty helps people recover from difficult situations.

Another approach is laughter. You may remember Norman Cousins – he was the man who was so ill that he was bedridden, taking all kinds of medicine, but discovered that what helped him the most was laughter. He wrote a book about his experience, “Anatomy of an Illness.” But he’s known for the phrase, “Laughter is the Best Medicine.” Here’s a short video of him talking about it:

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=norman+cousins+laughter+is+the+best+mediciine&docid=608048231543622967&mid=984D4FDCBFEB3BF4D9F3984D4FDCBFEB3BF4D9F3&view=detail&FORM=VIRE

So maybe you should find all of the funny movies you can, or read funny books, or watch funny TV shows. It could elevate your mood, which would be a great way to get started in rebuilding your life.

Hi Notiongnow – what fantastic advice you’ve already received! I heartily agree with all. I would add one piece. When thoughts of the “fake nice persona” arise and you start missing it, tell yourself it was just a fantasy and that person is not real and does not exist. My ex also had such a lovely “fake nice” persona and I did miss it for a long time. I just kept reminding myself of the horrendous way he treated me, and no one that nice would treat me like that. You yourself already know that, otherwise you wouldn’t call it “the fake nice side.” When you start wishing for that fake nice side, I advise you to do what polestar has suggested – use the strength of your willpower and your mind to refer to him in your mind as “the sociopath” (your other name for him in your description above). When he comes up in your mind, tell yourself that you don’t want to think of “the sociopath” and refuse to let your mind be drawn back to sweet memories of his fake nice side. That was all just an act to draw you in and suck the life out of you. I wish you the very best in your healing journey.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by freeatlast.

Hi Notlongnow, I’m sorry you’re in pain but glad you’re here for some support in your path to healing. Many of us suffered severe depression after the break ups. I had times wherein the only reason I got out of bed was because I needed to care for my dog. I hope you’re seeking professional help to receive counseling and antidepressants if the doctor recommends them. You’ve been through a lot more with the fight against cancer on top of all the other things you lost because of your ex. Those are HUGE stressors in and of themselves, let alone multiples on top of each other.

I agree with finding things that make you happy and trying to replace your thoughts about the past with uplifting ideas. Like you, I too left my home state partly because I lived in constant fear that he would show up at my door unannounced to start his games again. And I knew he would destroy any progress I might have made, which wasn’t much at that time.

Some things I did do that were invaluable in rebuilding my confidence were joining Meetup and finding events to go to in my local area where I met new people who are normal and enjoyed the same type of things I liked. I made several new friends through those events. I had also joined some of the online dating sights and went on some dates. I met some wonderful and not so wonderful men but more importantly I learned I wasn’t ready to move on. My ex was still constantly in my mind which interfered with moving forward and I was still suffering from depression. I was making some bad choices and participating in reckless behaviors.

Then one day, completely on a whim, I booked a trip on a singles cruise! I immediately panicked! What did I just do? I never went on a major trip by myself! I don’t know any of these people! I’ve never been to any of these places before! But the money was paid and I rode it out. It was one of the best decisions of my life!! I met so many new people from all over the world and had so much fun! I made wonderful connections with some amazing women, some who lived not far from me, and one from Australia, and we’ve traveled together since then. The people I met on the cruise rebuilt my confidence with lovely compliments and enjoying my qualities that I had been chided for by my ex. I was the thinnest and most fit I had ever been in my life but it was never thin enough for my ex (“you know I like skinny”) or complaints about my laugh being too loud. Others find my laugh infectious and never thought it too loud. I now know that my qualities he complained about were because it took attention away from him, or were ways to keep me off balance and trying to please him to feed his ego.

Even though I moved over 1,000 miles away I still had thoughts that he’d find me. Sure enough, I got a random text from him nearly 18 months after he left me devastated. I had deleted him from my contacts so I just saw a number, not a name and I asked “who is this?” The answer: “you don’t want to know.” My daughter still had him in her phone so we quickly figured out who it was and I answered back, “well then don’t contact me.” Never letting on that I knew it was him.

A mutual friend once told me that even though he married someone else 3 months after leaving me, the marriage was deeply troubled – no surprise there!! – and he commented that maybe he should give me a call. For TWO YEARS after I went no contact, I was still so angry whenever I thought of him, I knew that if he found me and showed up at my house, I could have, and probably would have, killed him with my bare hands. On the upside, he no longer had the power that made me the weak person none of my longtime friends and family knew or ever thought possible.

I too briefly dated another narcissist but thankfully recognized those gaslighting behaviors and dumped him right away!

I have now been in my new home for over 5 years, the extreme anger is gone, and I have all my confidence back. I have new friends here, old friends I still keep in touch with and some who have served their purpose in my life and are also in my past. I am in a new relationship that is 1000% HEALTHY! It took some time to fully trust him but I love him, he adores me, and we have been together for 3 years. The damage my ex did to my heart has made it so that I have never felt the same “deep” love that caused me to be so dangerously devoted to the narcissist ex, but we are happy and committed to each other. There is no concern of lies or cheating by either of us. We each have our own houses and we have time together. We have no desire to change that, it works for us.

These were all baby steps that started with counseling and antidepressants. It was a very difficult step to reach out to others and admit that I needed help. I have two college degrees, came from a professional and very powerful career that among other duties, helped people like me, so I had to be the strong one. How could I be weak and broken? I realized that no one was going to come to my bedroom and fix my broken heart. I had to brave the storm myself and find my support in that process.

These were all things that I and many, many others here on Lovefraud had to overcome. You can and will too! Understand that your path to recovery truly began when you went No Contact, not at the break up 5 years ago. You will get to a happy ending too! One little breakthrough at a time. Best of luck to you!

need2heal – thank you so much for sharing your journey of recovery! I am delighted that you’ve found happiness. You are living proof that recovery is possible!

Hi needtoheal – your story is so inspirational! I remember a previous post where you shared about going on the cruise and how much that changed you and helped so much in your healing process. It is truly a great idea and could be expanded on for any kind of get-a-way where one could meet others and have a fun experience. What is so important about your story is that you picked yourself up and took action and created and succeeded in your healing. It is one thing to talk about the healing steps but it is another thing to really take those steps. It isn’t easy ! But to have a site that promotes healing, it needs to be one that really works and you are proof that healing is possible and I congratulate you on your wonderful success. Living your beautiful life enriches us all! Thank you for sharing your story. Blessings to you

Hi Notlongnow – Happy New Year ! And thanks for all of your recent posts. Posting in itself shows that you are getting stronger – and especially at the start of the New Year, you are definitely on the upswing ! Plus I am happy that you are making plans for your new life now that your move has been completed ( from your posts, it sounds like you have completed your move ). I have moved recently, and I know that it is definitely not an easy process and takes so much time and energy until things get settled again. Blessings to you

PS for Notlongnow – I ( and I am sure everyone here at Love Fraud ) would welcome reading any posts you’d like to share about how things are going for you now in any aspect of your life.