A bit of a victory that wasn’t easy for me

[polestar]

Hi Everybody,
I have recently had an experience with a narc, and though it was not a horrible trauma that is so often experienced with romantic narc partners, still I wanted to share. I became friends with my neighbor and slowly began to realize that it was quite one sided with me giving all the ” supply ” on many levels. I overlooked many negatives coming from her. Then finally she behaved in a few encounters that were really unacceptable to me, but that were so passive aggressive that they could easily be ” explained ” if I confronted her. I don’t want to give specifics but I made it clear that I would not allow myself to be put in that position again. She tried to ” hoover ‘ me, but I grey rocked her. Now she is avoiding me by walking away quickly if I am near. I am happy about that because I don’t want to have anything more to do with her. The reason that it is a small victory for me is that normally when someone does not treat me with respect, I would just overlook it. It always seemed petty to make a deal over something when it is more subtle. But I could see it clearly and I stood up for myself by basically removing myself. I like people to like me ( I must admit ) but I will no longer continue to be nice when someone is not treating me well. So that is it. I kind of feel uncomfortable that she walked away quickly (it happened just a while ago ) but I am proud of myself nevertheless. Thanks for reading this !

[emilie18]

polestar – I love it – small victories are the best and continued proof that you are healing! “I will no longer continue to be nice when someone is not treating me well. ” That should be the mantra of all of us who have had to deal with narcs and sociopaths. Congratulations!

[polestar]

Thank you Emilie. I always love your posts because you are kind and supportive in a gentle way. I wanted to mention that I watched a recent You Tube by Doctor Ramani after I had posted and it touched upon my topic so well. It is called ” The danger of not speaking up about the narcissist “. She covered all viewpoints about calling the narcs out – about how in most systems, they never do get called out about their unacceptable behavior, and she compassionately explains why this is. She speaks about about that when they are not called out, that they don’t face consequences of their actions, and that kind of gives them permission to continue, and then on the other side, that if a person doesn’t have enough power to stand up to them, that they could be placed in real danger if they do so. So a person needs real discernment if, when and how they can speak up. It has been difficult to reflect that in my own life I have to admit that I did not have the power to stand up for myself many times for a variety of reasons. So I need to have self compassion about that. But for my recent little victory, it felt good to have been able to do so even if it was in a small way. Thanks again for being here.

[funluvmusic25]

polestar; Congratulations and thank you for sharing your recent victory !
It is evidence of your growth and healing. When we are romantically involved with a narcissist we don’t always recognize that narcissists can also be a female friend or neighbor such as your situation. Upon healing and becoming more discerning we develop a sixth sense when we encounter another narcissist and realize they can be female or male. Sometimes we feel we have to be “nice” when it comes to dealing with another woman, yet if we sense it is another narcissistic situation we realize it’s okay to stand up for ourselves. So be it if your neighbor walks away when she sees you…….we don’t need to be in any relationship that isn’t equally balanced. I applaud your strength!

[polestar]

Thank you for the validation, funlovemusic – about different types of relationships that narcs show up for ( which is every type ! ), but a romantic relationship leaves us so much more vulnerable because of the very close intimacy that is inherent in it. On the other hand, a friendship is such a special relationship and we really need to appreciate and value them because of the great support and understanding that can occur there. I myself have experienced narcissism in friendships with women and getting through them and out is not always easy ( when one is not proficient yet about narcissism ), but there is not the same degree of pain involved. So it is a lot easier to navigate and be conscious during the process. On the other hand, if a person doesn’t exit in a timely fashion, there is much danger to one’s self that can occur in terms of self esteem and the ability to feel happy and good about oneself. So with my neighbor, I was glad that I could quite immediately see the devaluation that was occurring, and do something about it. I watched a You Tube by Andrew ( Narcdaily ) today that really hit home for me, called ” Being Unheard “. This is such an important aspect that occurs in narcissistic relationships of any kind that can be unseen if it is not pointed out, but once it is like in Andrew’s You Tube – it is quite an Ah Ha moment. so thank you for hearing me !

[funluvmusic25]

polestar; I just listened to Andrew’s uTube video on “Being Unheard.” Thank you for passing this information along! He makes perfect sense and I loved what he says about the three versions of ourself ……before the narcissist, with the narcissist and post narcissist. It validates so much of what we’ve been through.

I also had a parting of the ways with a female friend. After addressing my disappointment in our unbalanced friendship and saying, “ I’m not sure where we go from here,” she ghosted me. I had always been the one reaching out to her while the same old excuses kept coming my way…..busy with relatives, busy with babysitting nieces, busy with everyone else except me. She said she knows her continued apologies sound insincere and asked me not to write her off, yet by ghosting me she did exactly what she asked me not to do. I never said the friendship was over just that I didn’t know where we go from here. At first (and like I always do) I questioned myself, but then came to the realization one can never call out a narcissist on their stuff. Initially, I was fooled because 1) she was a female and 2) because it was a friendship not an intimate relationship…….this was new to me until I soon realized everything centered around her and “I was being unheard.” After my Ah, ha moment it was much easier to get over.

This site and people like you who post their stories and insights are so valuable as so many of us are healing or still a work in progress! Thank you and blessings to you.

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