A burning question

[freeatlast]

Hi everyone. This is a very painful post. Sorry that it is long. I have a burning question but do need to explain the situation a bit first.

To protect anonymity I’m calling the characters “Ex-Wife” “Ex-Girlfriend 1” and “Ex-Girlfriend 2.” Also “New Girlfriend” and “Would-be New Girlfriend.” This is not meant to be in any way derogatory to anyone involved, just easier and clearer in the telling than making up false names.

I will try and keep the back story as to the point as possible. I am aware of how sick and toxic this story is. I am doing my best to recover from my involvement in it.

I was embroiled with my Narc for 20 years. When I met him, he was married, with 2 “crazy” exes who were both still very much in his life (he had had affairs with both of them during his marriage). He had “deep emotional connections” with them both. One still worked for him in his spiritual organisation. The other was a “close friend” who he worked with on a different long-term spare-time spiritual project.

To my shame I allowed myself to get sucked in. I gave away my power, integrity, and wholeness and made the very poor choice to become his latest girlfriend. We all know how Narcs do it. I’m not going to defend myself other than saying that part of the love-bombing was spiritual abuse. He was/is a powerful figure in the small world of spirituality that I was involved with (big fish in a small pond) and convinced me that this was God’s will. He was on a pedestal, he groomed me, and I fell for it. I realise I had choices too and I will forever regret them.

He left his wife and married me. Ex-Wife moved on with her life. Both Ex-Girlfriends went ballistic. Both made my life hell. They were both of course in a totally horrendous situation. Both had dedicated their whole lives to him. One had moved from a different country to work in his organisation. Although no longer romantically linked, both Exes were still under his control in terms of being extremely attached to their place in his life. He had a hierarchy, and we all knew where we were placed. When I came along everyone was bumped one place down. The harem was an extremely toxic place to be (understatement). Whereas Ex-Wife could move on, neither Ex-Girlfriend 1 or Ex-Girlfriend 2 had that luxury.

Over time (several years) life moved on for all of us in different ways and things settled down. In the meantime, my narc was slowly going through the “devalue” stage, so it was him making my life hell now, not the Exes. Eventually of course, we came to the Grand Finale, the Discard. This was 2019. He was having an affair with New Girlfriend whilst simultaneously grooming Would-be New Girlfriend. It was of course all God’s will (I found their love letters) and New Girlfriend was experiencing the same lies, gaslighting and spiritual abuse as I had all those years ago. Thankfully, Would-be New Girlfriend, when the affair was discovered, ran for the hills and I have a feeling she knew exactly what the Narc was by this time. I suspect she had previously experienced abuse and recognised the red flags. Basically, he had recreated the original scenario all over again – the wife and 2 girlfriends! He just needs a harem.

So the Narc is now with New Girlfriend and I am free. For the last 3 years I’ve been slowly processing it all and slowly healing. He wanted to stay friends (no doubt for triangulation purposes) but thank goodness I realised I needed to get out from under his control and I cut off emotional involvement with him, though we do have kids we have to co-parent so I can’t go completely no contact.

As part of my ongoing healing process, I recently reached out to Ex-Wife and offered her my unreserved apology for the pain I had caused her by my poor choices. I said I had learnt my lesson and would never make those choices now. She accepted my apology and we had a fairly lengthy chat. She of course knew exactly what he was like and understood that to a large extent I was just his victim. She was amazing and it was very healing. I also sent written unreserved apologies to their 2 adult children for my part in their disrupted childhoods. Again, I told them I would not make those choices now.

Now Ex-Wife is suggesting that I should also offer an apology to Ex-Girlfriend 1 – she said that Ex-Girlfriend 1 is surprised I have not reached out to her. Her life fell apart to a large extent when I came on the scene, and she is friends now with Ex-Wife. She obviously knows that I have apologised to Ex-Wife and her children and is clearly waiting for an apology from me.
So now we come to my dilemma and why I am posting here.

While I feel enormous empathy for the pain that Ex-Girlfriend 1 suffered at the narc’s hands, I don’t feel responsible for her pain in the way that I feel responsible for the pain of Ex-Wife and her children. She and I (Ex-Girlfriend 1) had a horrendously difficult relationship back then, to the point where we had to stop speaking. She was a total nightmare. In her pain she spread lies and gossip about me and tried to turn people against me. I tried to reach out to her and accept her presence in the narc’s life. She caused a lot of damage and pain to me at the time. I have forgiven her for that in my heart because I understand that she was in an impossible situation, and a few years ago, she did write to me and very briefly apologised for the pain she had caused me, and I very briefly accepted her apology and that was that.

However, I don’t feel that I am responsible for the pain she went through. I feel the narc is responsible. I can’t help it if, as well as an Ex-Wife there were also 2 Ex-Girlfriends as well. (Ex-Girlfriend 2 is still working for him and still has him on a pedestal so she is unreachable and therefore not a part of this current issue.) So while I am very invested in cleaning up my own mess and apologising unreservedly for any pain that I caused that I am responsible for, I just don’t know what to do here and need advice.

1. Do I owe her an apology?
2. If I write to her to invite her to talk, should I let hew know up-front that I don’t feel responsible for her pain? I don’t want to invite her to talk, and have her thinking she going to get an apology from me that is not forthcoming.
3. I would indeed feel OK about hearing her story and how my part impacted on her life and I can feel sorry for her but not responsible. Does that make sense? But it’s probably not what she wants to hear….

I really can’t think straight on this. I want to do the right thing. But I don’t want to screw myself over and end up apologising for something that is not my fault because I am still emerging from the nightmare in terms of my own healing and I sense this might drag me back down.

I know this is an amazing group and if anyone has a wise perspective to offer, please go ahead and comment.

Thank you.

[emilie18]

freeatlast: What a tangled web! This man deserves to be publicly exposed and shamed, especially if he purports to be a spiritual leader. A man of God needs to lead by example – and this is certainly not a godly example, unless we are talking about a religion that supports polyamory and adultery. I admire you for offering apologies to the ex wife. As girlfriend #1 has already offered her apology to you for the way she reacted and treated you, she is now waiting for you to apologize for your part in her pain, too. Whether or not you want to open that conversation again is ultimately up to you – how strong is your resolve and how brave is your heart? All of you know what kind of man he is and that you were just pawns in his game. Do you owe the girlfriends an apology for being yet another victim? Probably not. Do you owe her a conversation? Only if that would not put you back into a tailspin. Personally, I would be interested in talking with the ex and girlfriend #1 together to try to come to a mutual peace and understanding. I would also try to find a way to expose this scum – but that is just me.

I hope you choose what is best for your healing – and congratulations on being rid of this cheating scumbag.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by emilie18.

[freeatlast]

Thank you, emilie18. I appreciate your kind comments. I am more than happy to have a conversation with Ex-Girlfriend 1. I can certainly apologise for my part in her pain. I’m happy to do that. A part of me would love to have that conversation with her and have it go well, because it would then be a step in the direction of deep healing for all 3 of us. I have so many sore spots from the past…. the fact that she is friends with Ex-Wife adds to the impetus because the more the 3 of us can talk and heal, the easier it is for all 3 of us to recover. He has caused longstanding devastation to all of our lives.

I’m not up to exposing him, not at this point. But it’s a reaction that I understand and I hear from others too. One part of me feels a responsibility to expose him, to stop him continuing his games and ruining yet more lives. But I’m not there yet.

Thank you again for your thoughtful response.

[sunnygal1]

Freeatlast. Glad you are rid os this sick guy as Emilie says. I understand not going public. Jußt move on! Bmpl blessings

[freeatlast]

Thank you, Sunnygal! 🙂

[polestar]

Hi freeatlast – so good to hear from you in your post. This is just a quick post to let you know that I am contemplating your question and concerns, and that I will be posting a reply readily.
Blessings to you.

[polestar]

Hi freeatlast – hope you don’t mind that this post is long – but … here goes :
Emilie18 mentioned the concept of polygamy in her post. I think that this is a crucial point in your dilemma. You were coming from the consciousness of monogamy, and from your description of the back story, your ex always wished for a polygamous situation, but none of the women understood that. He manipulated everyone and had the spiritual power to do so (in the sense of spiritual status if you know what I mean ). You don’t really know the back story from wife #1 either. There was something probably convoluted going on before she married him, considering his character and behaviors that continued from after marrying her. Nevertheless, you all found yourselves at some point in a polygamous relationship. There were stages of this that occurred – from not knowing to not understanding to being totally confused because polygamy is not our culture in the west. Added to this was his narcissism/sociopathy that ensnares everybody who is not warned beforehand, which is the majority of us. ( luckily the information is getting out, but we can’t be blamed if we just didn’t know and got pulled into the psychopath’s sick world ). You are going through your healing, and I understand how you would have wanted to apologize to the ex wife because in our culture, it is our morality to not get involved with someone who is married. I do really understand how you would overstep this boundary with all of his talk about God’s will and a bunch of other psycho babble. Nevertheless, it shows your good character that you took responsibility for your actions regardless of how understandable they were and made apologies. I think though that it was cruel that the ex wife was demanding that you make apologies to the x girlfriend. By doing so, she was being judgmental towards you and not showing compassion or understanding for the hell that you have been through. We now need to think about two important issues: 1.the concept of No Contact, and 2. The concept of polygamy. Though you cannot go complete No Contact with you ex due to your children, in every other way, I am sure that you have been implementing No Contact. But part of No Contact, is to also have No Contact with an ex’s social circle and family circle not just the Narc. So though you felt an inner direction to give an apology, which your conscience dictated, that was enough I believe in terms of opening yourself to healing and forgiveness mainly so you could be open to receiving what has always been there for you. Now we come to the polygamy question. Unbeknownst to you, you got pulled into polygamy both when you were his girlfriend and when you were his wife ( until you opted out of the whole thing). There are some cultures that accept polygamy, but I in no way do ( but that is besides the point ). The point is that once the innocent person comes to realize that that they are not the only one in terms of the heart to heart inner relationship they have with the one they thought was their beloved, then they are faced with a difficult emotional problem because they love their partner so much, but cannot tolerate that there are also others. Some will leave at this point and some due to other factors that are in essence part of a relationship with a sociopath, find it much more difficult to leave especially if they don’t have help on many levels. The polygamist is trying to manipulate them to accepting the polygamy. If they do accept it, then they are open to all the pain and psychological issues that you described that the girlfriends experienced and the way that she treated you. That is standard fare. Once you got married you most likely could deny polygamy because he was only married to you – but it still occurred. In some polygamous situations, the women will come to accept the situation and will feel that it would be noble to befriend the other “wives “ ( or girlfriends ). Even though the ex wife and ex girlfriend are no longer with the ex, they have still bonded from that experience and thus in a way ( from how I see it ) have not moved on from that consciousness. They want to pull you into their sick dynamic by making it seem like it is a higher kind of love, friendship and “ the right thing to do “ which was the same kind of b.s. your ex was talking you into. I think that contacting the ex girlfriend in any way, would be to be breaking your No Contact. You don’t owe her anything. To engage with her in any way, especially since you know the kind of person she is from her past treatment of you, would pull you down psychologically. It would get you all caught up again in the psychotic enmeshment that you are trying to heal from. It seems that the ex wife is in a similar situation that you are because she has children with your ex too, and she will have the extra challenge of going No Contact with him too. She needs now to do her own healing and to manage her own situation. Who knows the wierd dynamic that she and the ex girlfriend have developed because of the fact that the ex girlfriend was anything but a friend to her during her marriage. So I especially do not trust the ex girlfriend. You already had closure with her as you described and I would leave it like that. My advice would be to let go of any contact with them in the future and let them stew in their own gossip or whatever they want to think about you ( aka – smear campaign ). That is not your problem at all. Just turn your back away from all of the past – you have made the necessary amends and now it is your responsibility to move into a healthy future for yourself and for your children. I know how much you love your children and it would be so much better for them for you to keep yourself free of the kind of muck that they would just drag you down into. I have seen how you have grown and how you have made so many courageous steps in the right direction for your healing and self love to grow more and more. Do not let anyone sabotage what you have been working so hard for and of all that you have accomplished.
Blessings always

[freeatlast]

Hi polestar – as ever, thank you so much for chiming in. I always appreciate your deep brand of wisdom and kindness!

I had not even considered the option you wrote of above! I think you’re right. I found it healing to have a talk with Ex-Wife, especially as she was so kind and forgiving. But I was slightly concerned at her follow-up. That’s why I posted on here – because it didn’t quite sit right. I’m learning to listen to those red flags!

I also found it helpful that both you and Emilie wrote about polyamory/polygamy. I had never thought of it that way before. He wasn’t “cheating” on us because we all knew about each other. And even though there was (mainly) only 1 sexual relationship at a time, the deep hurt and betrayal from being in that situation was corrosive to the soul. I read one book which coined the phrase “soul rape” and that’s what it felt like to me.

Thank you again and blessings to you.

[sunnygal1]

I don’t know if you are familiar with Tina Switching. She wrote One Mom’s Battle and the Narc Decoder. She deals with dealing with children with a narc Blessings

It is Switching. S w I t h I n. The tablet corrects

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by sunnygal1.

[sunnygal1]

Freeatlast. I thought Tina might be helpful but you may or may not be interested. Up to you of course. Blessings

[freeatlast]

Hi Sunnygal, OK, got it! Many thanks! 🙂

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