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Hi all.
I have an ex girlfriend. We dated 10 years ago and stayed friends afterwards. She got a new boyfriend. He moved in with her pretty quickly. After two years she tells me they argue a lot and things aren’t going well. She ends the relationship and moves to a different city. A few weeks later they are semi- back together again. After he realised she wasn’t coming back he kinda accepted the new reality.He stays with her half of the week some times.
A few months later tells me he doesn’t show her any physical affection anymore, despite saying that he still loves her. That this makes her feel so insecure, unattractive and rejected that this makes her even change the way she holds herself around other people. That they still argue a lot and he sometimes stays in a hotel because she refuses to stay with him. And that she feels she’s to blame for it. That she already criticises herself a lot and with his ‘help’ it’s like 1,2,3, to destroy her self esteem. That they basically live like brother and sister and for her it’s over, but he won’t let her go. That she’s constantly mad with him. She says it’s hard to rebuild anything new and it will take her some time to feel differently. She breaks up with him again but he ignores it and keeps acting as if they’re still together. That she calls him her ex, he keeps calling her his girlfriend. And so they keep going on/off, on/off.
A year and a half later, she tells me it’s finally really over between them. And she’s actively dating other men. She even hints at me and her meeting again and do something fun. We start talking more an more and starting to get a bit closer again and actually agree to meet.
But then she starts talking about her ex again. That he still has the keys to her house and sometimes comes inside her house when she’s at work to ‘check if there’s still pictures of them hanging on the wall’ and he would leave notes for her. That he brought her flowers and gave her a ride to the airport which was “actually handy”. That his mother is very ill and she feels obliged to ask him about it, because that she can’t be rude to him after 5 years and “all he did for her”. That she feels afraid to slip back into the relationship again, because, like always, he just keeps acting like they are still together. That he asked her if he could stay at her place for one month because of a new job close to her house, and that she feels she can’t refuse it because he still helped her pay the deposit for her apartment when she moved in. She sends me a picture showing a cut on her nose, saying that it was an accident at the gym (?).
No surprise, a few weeks later she’s back with him. Saying that she wants to give another chance to the person that has been there for her the past years in good and bad times.
My question: what is going on here?
Half of my friends say she’s a borderline and she is the one pushing and pulling her ex, creating chaos when things are going too well with them, because of fear of abandonment. And she’s playing damsel in distress towards me, and making up his manipulative behaviour as an excuse to get back with him. That if she really wanted him out she would just change the locks and call the police when he shows up. Or that she never really broke up, and is just saying that she’s single each time she wants some positive attention from me.
The other half thinks he is a narcissist who doesn’t accept her breaking up with him and stalks / hoovers / manipulates / her back.
She has been in at least one abusive relationship before, and has some emotional baggage like child abandonment and low self esteem. She does however also has some BPD traits like mood swings and emotional immaturity.
What you think is going on here? Is she abusing him? Is he abusing her? Are they abusing each other maybe?
I care about her, not anymore in a romantic way but more like a big brother. It would be sad if she’s in another abusive relationship.
Thanks in advance.
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robin85 – Yes, the situation is confusing. If you are only hearing her side of the story, it may be impossible to figure out what is going on. Everything that you suggested is possible. Maybe it’s him; maybe it’s her. But, even if you were to hear what they both had to say, it’s possible that you still couldn’t figure out what is going on. Both of them could slant their descriptions to try to convince you that they are telling the truth.
So what do you do?
I suggest you figure out what is good for you. Do you want to be involved with her? At the very least, it seems that a relationship with her would be messy. I recommend that you put yourself first. What will lead to your own happiness?
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Hi robin – my take on the situation is that your ex and her “ off again – on again “ relationship is a dysfunctional one. But the important point is that you are being put in what is called the “ involved bystander “ position by your ex, which is in a big way, making you a part of the dysfunction, and a victim. The situation can also be referred to as putting you in the “ rescue “ role. So you are being pulled into their unhealthy dynamic, plus you are giving them attention to make their relationship more interesting. If your attention was taken away, they would be faced with really dealing with their own intimacy and relationship issues with no outside charge. You might not be aware that it is not a healthy psychological place for you to be. If you ex needs extra help or therapy, she can take the steps to find what she needs and to take action as the adult that she is. For myself, if I was in your shoes, I would end the “ friendship “ because it also seems to me that she is stringing you along – so that in the event that the relationship with her boyfriend doesn’t work, she would try to get involved with you. You deserve a clean break from her drama so that you can be free to pursue a really great relationship of your own. Plus, when you are in your own relationship, no woman wants a close female friend of their partner involved creating triangulation.
Blessings -
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robin85 – I totally understand your dilemma. The stalking that she described – denying the breakup, breaking into house, gifts, creating drama, financial control) are all symptoms of coercive control. If that is, in fact, going on, you are correct that she could be in a dangerous situation.
She may be experiencing trauma bonds, which is why it is so difficult for her to extricate herself.
Can you put her in touch with domestic violence resources?
Even if she is subject to coercive control, in reality, there is little, in reality, that you can do. SHE must make the decision to end the involvement. SHE must take action.
In fact, psychologically, your involvement may slow down her exit. Why? Because if YOU are worried about her safety, you are shouldering the emotional burden of the pain and worry, and SHE does not have to.
This is the same situation experienced by many people who know that a loved one is experiencing domestic violence. It is very painful.
You may want to express your concern to her, and then tell her that you will help her once she leaves him, but if she stays with him there is nothing you can do. Because that’s the truth.
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Hi robin – what Donna posted was very wise. I like what she said especially about there is nothing you can do as long as she is still in the relationship. You mentioned some things about the guy forcing himself back in the relationship with some examples. However, previously you mentioned that she was going to allow him to come live with her ( albeit due to a feeling of obligation ) – but to me that still shows complicity. As Donna said, she may be experiencing trauma bonding. I see that as being similar to being addicted to a drug. By allowing him into her place is akin to her taking the drug. It seems that you feel guilty if you do not help her. If I were you, I would read info about those who try to help addicts or alcoholics. There is so much insight about that dynamic and phenomenon. You might see a similarity to your situation. Another way to look at it is in the mode of a theory from Transactional Analysis where there is an analysis about roles – especially a 3 person dynamic ; the role of rescuer “ trying to help “, the role of the one persecuting “ trying to blame “( harm ) and the victim “ the one who is blameless and helpless “. They are all intertwined. There is something about that dynamic that makes me think of what is happening in your situation. But it is just a kind of connection that came to my mind and is not meant as a criticism. But in the final analysis, as Donna said, you really can’t do anything while she is involved. It’s not like the case of a child who you could call CPS. I however, am still concerned about you. The people who are involved with addicts, alcoholics, and those with huge emotional problems live lives of misery. They do get sucked into a dark place unless they have been especially trained to deal with those kinds of illnesses. To tell you the truth, I feel very strongly about that. Truly, I would wish that you would turn away from thinking about her and worrying about her and to drop the whole dynamic. But, that is just my own opinion, and I truly would have tremendous respect for whatever you decide to do because I see you as being a wonderful person.
Blessings -
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