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Hello everyone, I am new to this forum and would like every bit of help I can get. Ive been with what I thought was a raging heroin addict on and off for 10 years now. Throughout our relationship he has stolen from me, neglected me, cheated on me with about 10 women (that I know of), told me he had PTSD from going overseas and fighting in war which never happened…all which I chalked up to be due to him being a drug addict. Im going to fastfoward to October of 2020. He had yet again gotten out of rehab, and had to participate in a drug court program which he has been relapsing on continuously. Not only was he calling me during his time at rehab but since hes gotten out telling me yet again, that Im “the one”…hes “realized”…he “wants me forever” and hes not going to mess things up this time…hesitant, I told him he needed to work on himself for a while while I did as well and that we would take things slow…So I found out during that time not only was he “working on things with me” but ended up full blown dating another girl…before I found out about her we had a 2 month stint where we were “off” again because i suspected he was using. During that time, he got the other woman he was seeing pregnant…Turns out when he found out she was pregnant he broke up with her, ran back to me and fed me the same lines things were good up until 2 months ago when i had 100% proof he was using…he is now back in jail for drugs and had no idea about this OW or that she was pregnant and how he treated her… when I got the word he was seeig the OW the whole time he was me got her pregnant and left her I contacted her so we could compare stories. HE told her that we broke up because I cheated on him and treated him horribly… So far I have blocked him…when he finds out I know everything and he gets out of jail I dont expect him to contact me for an apology anyways because that his MO. I just want to know…is this a sociopath? or a drug addict?
Also does anyone have any good reccomendation on how they healed from such trauma? I was there 10 years for him. Everytime I gave him another chance I have hit a lower and lower rock bottom. This one takes the cake. I dont want to end up making more excuses for him…But im afraid i will never be able to love again because of this partially because every man I choose ends up treating me badly. The few times Ive had opportunity to be with a decent man It just didnt feel “normal” to me. Its hard not to feel hopeless and want to give up.
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I don’t think it really matters….he’s a bad person in general. He’s probably both. A lot of the things he said to reel you back in my ex said to me. Since you keep meeting people who treat you badly, you have some trauma that you’ve not healed from. No contact is the only way to start healing from him. If he comes to your house call the police. He already has a record so just keep calling. Do not make any contact with him at all. You also need to heal whatever happened to you in your past or you will just keep meeting bad guys. There’s lots of good articles on this site of how to do all of this.
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Hi,sorry to hear you have gone through this abd it seems like a bad situation.
From my perspective and personal opinion it is good to get an understanding of what sort of person you are dealing with. If he manipulates you to thinking what he wants and makes you feel like nothing without him and constantly controls you then maybe he is nassaistic. But he surly knows you are a good person and will stand by him and nassaistic people recognise this and drain you for their needs only.
He does not respect you and he is constantly cheating on you so maybe he is just using you for other things like support or finance. He maybe has alot of underlying issues that you think are normal but they are not as you have been with him for so long and don’t know any different.Yes the best way is no contact and possibly move away from him and contact the police. Be around people that are sane and trusted people I feel parents and siblings are a great support network. Build relationships with them if you are not in contact with family, they will support you unconditionally. Talking to them will help and maybe help you get the clarity thst you need. Move in with your family if you need to abd don’t let him know what you are doing or planning,
You probably end up being around needy men and as you said same type of men because you may feel you need to fix them and support them. Yes I agree maybe you need to heal from something too.
You don’t you need to sit down and think about what you want and choose for yourself first. Every relationship is give and take make sure you are at the reviving end too.
This guy left that lady when she was pregnant so it sure he is not committed to her and maybe not you either as he cheats on you. Know your self worth build yourself back up.You are an amazing person to support someone else like this go so many years. You have a kind nature so you deserve better, don’t damage yourself further. Move away don’t contact him change your number and delete his too if this is what it takes to blank him out of your life. No contact will be hard as you have been with him so long but keep reminding yourself of the pain and move away. Build relationships with sane people and focus on you.
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He is probably both an addict and a sociopath. I have known narcissistic/sociopathic individuals who abused drugs or alcohol. One self-diagnosed as bi-polar and justified the addiction as a way to “calm her demons”. Yet she was a truly horrible person whether on drugs or not. I have also known addicts who were NOT on the sociopathic spectrum – they just abused their drug of choice by choice. But based on your description your “friend” is probably on the spectrum. The serial cheating, the lies, the fabrications, the discard of his pregnant girlfriend and begging you to take him back, again – all smack of narcissism and/or a sociopath. For your own health and sanity, you need to get this person OUT of your life forever. As long as you have any contact, he will pull you back in. Read up on the techniques Donna posts here: No Contact is primary. As far as healing from this — it takes time and work. Again – tons of great advice on here — and keep posting and asking — those of us who have been through this – or are going thru this – are a great resource. Blessing to you. Stay strong.
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cecej2010 – He is probably a sociopath first and then an addict. His treatment of you is typical sociopathic behavior – they act that way whether or not they are addicted.
It is important to understand this because even if he were able to overcome his addiction, HE WOULD STILL BE A SOCIOPATH. So all the efforts to help him overcome his addiction would not improve how he treats you.
Yes, you can recover. The first step is to get completely away from him and establish No contact. No Contact is the key. The longer you can stay away from him, the more your head will clear.
Also, recognize that these relationships are themselves addictive – that’s why you’ve had such trouble distancing yourself. So in a sense, you need to overcome your addiction to him.
It can be done. We have lots of webinars that can help you. Check them out – click the “courses” link in the menu bar.
It’s time to put yourself first.
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Hi Cecej –
You have 2 essential issues to deal with –
First is to get out of the clutches of the addict/sociopath, by going “ No Contact “ as the other responders have been advising you. The second issue is to heal yourself. You mentioned that you have a tendency to get involved with men who mistreat you. That is what you can work on. I had the same issue and what helped me is Robin Norwood’s book called “ Women Who Love Too Much “. I have put alot of effort into her program and have gotten much healed. She has some good case histories that we can identify with and learn from too. One caution is that the book was written before a lot of information was known about sociopaths and she inadvertently says that you can do her program while still being involved in the problematic relationship. This is completely incorrect – but we can’t throw away everything she writes simply because of something that was not really known at the time of the writing. But in my opinion, once away from the toxic person ( going no contact ), then I have found that she has outlined fantastic steps for self healing.
Blessings
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