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Background: A month ago, after going through a lot of confusing situations in my relationship and coming to terms with the fact that my boyfriend was a pathological liar, I ended up doing a google research and learning he had various traits of narcissistic personality disorder. All started to make sense, all the love bombing in the beginning of the relationship, the triangulation with his ex and other women, the financial exploitation, the one-sideness of communication and efforts, his inability to admit his mistakes, apologize and so on. But I still liked him and was not sure / didn’t want to believe he was such a heartless person. The cognitive dissonance was real.
Anyway, two weeks ago, after being lied to for the last time, I decided to end the relationship with him. I ended everything on good terms. I said he was not giving me what I needed out of a relationship (a.k.a. respect, attention and care). He agreed. We said nice things to each other and parted ways.
Two days later he asked to talk. I went because I wanted to see what he was going to say and also because I still had feelings for him. He apologized and even admitted to his wrong doings and lies, asked to go back together and all. When we said goodbye we kissed. From there to now we were texting everyday and even “dating” and having sex. He was treating me as if I was his gf again. My therapist said it was not healthy to keep things this way, since it was in a state of limbo in which I was not his girlfriend but was still providing him with everything a gf would. For the last two weeks he said he was giving me time to think if I wanted him back and that I could take as much time as needed for thinking, during dates we would have long circular discussions in which he would mix guilt tripping me for breaking up with admitting his mistakes and begging to go back together.
Last tuesday he asked me out. I went and when we met he was all kisses and flirtation, and I said I wanted to talk to him. He didn’t want to talk, was avoiding it saying it was much better if we just kept making out. I said I wanted to talk. I started a conversation about the relationship and could feel he was not taking it serious.
When I finally said I would accept him back, he acted a little cold. Then I said we now would work on the issues we had (on the day before he was acknowledging the issues and saying he wanted to work on them) and he then stares at me with a look of contempt. He said “that’s enough”, that he didn’t do anything wrong and that he can’t take being blamed and mistreated anymore. Then he gets up and walk away from me.
I am feeling played and used. He only wanted me to accept him back so that he could be the one breaking up. It’s so difficult to come to terms with the fact that the whole relationship was a lie. I feel sick to my stomach.
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Maryyyy – I am so sorry for your experience. However, your analysis in your last paragraph is correct – he hoovered you back so he could be the one to break up with you.
All the behavior that you describe is typical of a sociopath. Once a sociopath is an adult, there is no treatment and no rehabilitation that will turn him or her into a normal human being capable of love. You are better off rid of him.
Even though it was painful, you have learned a valuable lesson. Sociopaths exist, and you now know what they look like. Going forward, you will be able to spot the warning signs right away, so you don’t waste your time and emotional energy on another one.
So take your time to recover. Make sure to address any emotional wounds. Don’t date again until you feel centered. When you take time for recovery, more appropriate partners will come along.
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Wow. My ex-husband did the same thing! Every time I’d had enough (and I mean REAL deal-breakers!), he would do what it took to get me right back into the relationship. We have two sons, and I wanted to stay married to their father. He would woo me back (marriage counseling, flowers, attention, apologies etc.) when I would be ready to leave, and then back to staying out late, having affairs, pitting me against other women, spending money we didn’t have, etc. when I relented. It took me 13 years to figure out what was going on. It’s all about control and using you for his personal gain. I also think they get a thrill from manipulating and torturing you emotionally. (The one who cares the least is the one in control). I now know that sociopaths exist and that they cannot be reasoned with. You had the upper hand by leaving first, and he just couldn’t allow that.
The true test of love is this: “Love is PATIENT, love is KIND. It DOES NOT ENVY, it DOES NOT BOAST, it IS NOT PROUD. It DOES NOT DISHONOR OTHERS, it is NOT SELF-SEEKING, it is NOT EASILY ANGERED, it KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONG. Love DOES NOT DELIGHT IN EVIL but REJOICES WITH THE TRUTH. It ALWAYS PROTECTS, always TRUSTS, always HOPES, always PERSEVERES.” I Corinthians 13:4-7
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