After No Contact

[polestar]

Hi everyone –
I found a fantastic technique for after No Contact :
After we have been successful in staying No Contact – often to our dismay, we realize that the sociopath is still very present in our lives – in terms of our memory, negative emotions and in our thinking regarding them. I, myself tried and tried to get free of this situation. After all, why should we suffer for something that was never, ever our fault ? Finally I found a technique that has worked for me that I wanted to share. I got it from Mira Kirshenbaum’s books. I think she devised it from her psychological knowledge about how people get trapped in abusive relationships, and then she turned it around to help people get free. I’ll begin with the background of her perspective on some of the dynamics of why abusive relationships can become a trap, and then I’ll go on to explain her freeing technique. ———- To paraphrase – there are 4 steps about abusive relationships 1. We get used to it. The abuse starts out small, and escalates little by little, so it starts to seem normal 2. Though we may notice that things don’t seem right, we think in a general way that we’re not perfect ( as nobody is ) and we think maybe we need improving ( taking the blame ). 3. There is a psychological barrier that happens naturally ( like denial ) so we won’t feel the painful feelings that we normally would. 4. It is so incomprehensible that someone close to us would deliberately harm us, that even when we do experience abuse, we deny it during the other times when it’s not occurring. So that’s the dynamic of the trap. Once we are able to go No Contact usually by getting help, it is so beneficial and freeing —— Now here is the technique for after having gone No Contact to get the sociopath completely out of our system: 1. Don’t get used to it. This means that to think about them is to allow the abuse to continue. So if the thought or feeling of them comes up, you have to actually say or think “ Don’t get used to it “. After that there is a tendency to want to figure things out – yet again. So step 2 is “ Don’t make excuses for them. This not only means to stop explaining to yourself why they are that way ( they had a hard childhood etc) but also means to stop trying to figure out all their toxic maneuvers because this will continue to tie you to them.so you need to say or think “ Don’t make excuses “. Lastly, the 3rd step is to deal with the fact that they are psychotic/ sociopathic. This means acknowledging that there is no way to be able to deal with them at all. To realize that you need to redirect your thinking elsewhere – to a loving person, memory or an interest etc. —— As you keep doing the steps when the thought or feeling of the sociopath arises, there will be longer and longer times of not even thinking about them at all until finally you have really moved on. —— I hope that this will be of help. If you want to know which books and places in them that I got this information, or any questions about it, please post and I will respond.
Blessings

[Donna Andersen]

Polestar – thank you very much for this information. I hope others find it helpful.

[freeatlast]

Hi polestar – this sounds great. Please will you share your course of this information? My experience was that it was “normal” from the outset for me ex to have multiple love interests. He was a star in his field and the thinking was, of course, why not? Why would not everyone want a piece of him? I would love to learn more from you about this. Thank you!

[polestar]

Hi freeatlast – I wasn’t sure from your question if you wanted more information about which of Mira Kirshenbaum’s books and places in those books that I got my information from, or if your question was about your ex’s multiple love interests and what that was all about. It is difficult to completely put an ex out of our mind when we still have a question about them and the situation that we don’t understand and really want to. I have to say that my ex was charismatic also, and unbeknownst to me had other women in his life until I found out. Anyway, the same question that you have asked plagued me for a long time and I researched and pondered and really worked on understanding the whole phenomena. This was before I got the technique that I mentioned in my post. So perhaps it is necessary to get our questions resolved before going totally no contact on a psychological level. Anyway, this is the way I figured it all out – and maybe it will answer your heart too. The first step for me was to realize that the bottom line issue is the concept of polygamy. I always like to be as open minded as possible, and tried to look at it from every which way. First of all, in every culture and history, it has almost been 100% a male with more than one woman. Where it is socially legitimate, the male must have the means to support the women, so he needs to have some kind of power base. In our society, it is not sanctified in a social or legal sense, but happens all the time because of men cheating on their wives etc. In cases where they actually have a mistress who accepts her position, which is not at all uncommon, the male must have some kind of power – it can be financial or his position or charismatically. So, the next step for me was a battle within myself, thinking on the one hand that it was totally unacceptable to me, and on the other that something so prevalent must not make the one practicing it so bad. What I finally came up with is that we are entering a phase of development where male domination that has been the norm for hundreds if not thousands of years if beginning to shift into a female ( not sure how to put it ) system where she is beginning to not be “ inferior “ but to have a power – but that it is a different kind of power. Instead of authoritarian- it is a power of mutuality and co creation. You can see it emerging now everywhere. I propose that the polygamy situation is a practice from the fast receding male domination situation. After analyzing the relationship that one must have to be in a polygamous one, I realized that it would be impossible to have true mutuality. The problem is that we are still in a transitional phase going into the female system ( which does not exclude males at all – it is about males and females having equal power and respect and a willingness to work together ). But there are so many who have not made the transition. Even people who are highly developed spiritually. And women often are still caught in the older male dominated system and they are those who compete with other women or who try to step in between another woman’s relationship, or who get involved by being a mistress ( by research I have found out that mistresses suffer tremendously ). So it’s a development that individual’s go through and thus society goes through or maybe it’s a higher dimensional shift going on. So, yes, women will be attracted to charismatic and otherwise powerful men – and there is nothing wrong with that. But the trick is to also be aware to choose one who practices monogamy, and is developed enough to be able to really cooperate in a relationship. I love Mira Kirshenbaum’s books ( the 2 that I read ) because she clarifies what behaviors are totally not in harmony with having a growing and healthy relationship, and once you do have a good foundation with someone, how to actually achieve cooperation and mutual understanding. As for you ex – from what I understand, he was not yet developed or able to be in the evolving transition we are now in, and that you are, and thus water and oil don’t mix. To be involved with those who are still in a male domination mentality ( no matter how they proclaim themselves to be the epitome of female supporters ), is to have our own process be hindered, and which will keep us back. So that’s why, the technique I mentioned is so critically important. It provides protection from a mentality from which we are trying to move out of and forward from. I hope that what I said was anywhere close to answering your question. If not, please let me know if your question is something completely different and I will be happy to reply.
Blessings to you

[billfishersurvivor]

Need help getting him out of my head. He’s everywhere.

[polestar]

hi bfSurvivor –
It is difficult to ascertain the degree of how problematic your thoughts centering around your ex is – due to the fact that I don’t know how long its been since you have gone No Contact. It seems to be the status quo though for people to go through what you are going through for differing amounts of time. My recommendations for you would depend upon how long it has been since you have been No Contact – even though, every person has a very unique healing process and time frame. At first, before I enacted the technique that I have recommended on this post ( and before I even knew of the technique ), I used alot of the psychopathic recovery books so that when my ex came to mind, I would try to see where the dynamic was as referenced in the books, and that put me on a higher plane of coping than feeling oppressed and helpless. Those kinds of books bring so much power back that was taken away from associations and a relationships with a sociopath. For example, if I became upset because of remembering lies that occurred from their keeping information from my knowledge, I would find a passage in a book that described that kind of behavior, and it would help me to depersonalize the experience, understanding that it was something that most of them do, and then I wouldn’t take it so personally. Then when another memory came up with something else like if they made me feel threatened because of their propensity of gossiping, I would find information about smear campaigns. So education and perserverance is key to gaining emotional distance from them, and then finally to begin to initiate living your life focusing on your own self love, and upon others who love you and on your own interests. The technique that I posted about in the first post, I think would dramatically shortcut the amount of time spent on getting free from the sociopath in your life – but as I said, I did not actually get it until later in my own process. I think it would totally depend upon the person, and their unique makeup with what would work best for each person. But one thing that I am very sure of – and that is that a survivor must really fight for themselves in the face of the attack that was made due to their being targeted. And knowing that you are worthy of fighting for. So that every time the thought of your ex arises or any time you feel some kind of emotion regarding them – that is the time to muster your inner resources and to take some action on your own behalf. I have mentioned a few to you with the books technique and the technique originally stated, but there are others too – for example – to get an affirmations book and each time your ex arrives in your head, to immediately say a positive affirmation. If you do not give up, you will definitely win. The reason is because each of us who has endured abuse, and has gone No Contact has already demonstrated much inner strength, and has gotten over the most difficult hurdle. If perchance you are struggling with No Contact still, we are here to help support you, or at whatever stage you are in. It is amazing how others who have gone through this kind of ordeal can help one another.
Blessings

[Author]

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