AM I A SOCIO PATH OR IS HE?

[vivac]

In the course of last week 4 of my close friends lashed out at me and now they won’t talk to me. I wrote down the situations that occurred on a different blog and someone mentioned that I was manipulative. This comment opened my eyes to something I had never contemplated before – that I could have been a sociopath. So please guide me. I’ll try to make it as brief as possible.

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I met Sam online. I was 28 and he was 31. He was out of the country at the time. The first day we met we seemed to hit it off immediately. We talked on phone for a long time despite the fact that I had traveled for 5 hours during the day. Within the week we had gotten in the thick of things and he told me he was looking for a serious and committed relationship. I hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over 3 years. I had multiple sex buddies and an older guy I was also sleeping with who was taking care of my costs. One of my sex buddies was a single guy who wasn’t ready to commit, the other one was also in a committed relationship but the girlfriend worked long hours as a doctor while the last guy worked away from his wife. The older guy was strictly financial and also gave me wise counsel once in a while. All I can say is that I was emotionally numb at this time.Sigh! Weh! Even my head is reeling from this honesty. A few months before meeting Sam I had emotionally and sexually detoxed and I was in touch with the older guy (let me call him sponsor). I really wanted to settle down plus I felt empty despite all the escapades.

Sam seemed like he was ready to settle down. The problem was the distance. In less that a month of meeting he shipped household items saying we would use them to start our home. I was skeptical at first and worried because I wasn’t all that ‘wifey’ and was scared at first. We communicated online for a year then he came to visit. Surprising thing is that after one week of checking in he landed at my house and sex was in place. One week later he went to visit his parents with his family. One week into our ‘confused’ relationship we got into a fight. I was washing utensils/cleaning up after dinner then he asked me glass of water. At that time my hands we soapy and I told him to come and get it for himself. I’m not sure what happened next but he started yelling saying that I don’t respect him, a woman should serve a man under all circumstances then he held my collar and pulled me in rage. I was scared but now I had complicated the whole issue by letting him stay at my house and now I had to make tail and head of this thing I had found myself in. We talked about it and I told him that since the studio was small enough he needs to do his own errands around the house. From then on he went silent on me for 3 days. No talking, no moving…just sulking. More like I was having a monologue. So I sat him down and had one of those adult talks where you tell someone to geeeetttt ouuuuttt!!!! if they can’t manage conversations. He apologized but I could see a smile forming at the corners of his mouth like he had won.

One week later he planned for a romantic gateway. It was mysterious at first but we managed to have conversations along the way. Although he would flare up whenever he wanted. Why do you have hair on your chin? Why is there a string hanging on your dress? Why did you wear that ugly dress? Why were you staring at that guy? Anything could make him angry. After the gate away I met his parents and siblings but I noticed he was able to control them. Whenever they spoke he would speak over them. To some extend I was attracted to this. It felt like he was the boss and all.

One time we had gone to his friend’s birthday and he started insulting his friend. He spoke ill of them. On our way back home I told him I was uncomfortable with the way he spoke to people. At the time he was driving my car. Dude stopped the car in the middle of the road and started yelling. “I’m not scared of death….I’m not scared of anything…I don’t care…if you think you can talk to me the way you want because I’m driving your car or living your house then I will leave….I will go back to this place….”. At the time he was even too drunk to drive so I just told him to move over and I drove home and slept it off. At the time I thought it was alcohol but it was clearly a red flag. These scenario would happen so many times. Sometimes we would be in love during the day and talk like love birds but then he’d start drinking at eating khat then wake me up at 2-3 am and start yelling about something. Insult my friends, his friends, his family….indulge in insult till morning. If I dare to respond it would be even more chaotic with threats of living and how women were all over him and I should count myself lucky to have him.

While all these things were happening I would get fancy gifts and everything in return. He’s a tall and loud guy. So he would make grandiose remarks and tell everyone how he has so much money etc.

After the craziness of the first year of dating/cohabitating I just decided I would leave him because we weren’t gelling. His antics were getting crazier by day. At the same time I was wondering whether I would get a guy like him. The worst part was that the older guy was also on my neck about our arrangement. He was now calling more often, texting and sending me even more money. So I broke it off with Sam and went back to my initial life.

After while he came back. He said he had discovered what triggers anger in him and I should forgive him. I forgave him and we were back on track. The he started noticing how often I communicating my my sponsor and now new rage was formed. He would read my emails, text, receive my calls and even want to accompany me everywhere. Sponsor guy and I seemed to be stuck. No matter what Sam did sponsor guy didn’t care. Sam would call and threaten him and sponsor guy wouldn’t utter a word and still text me the next day. Now at this time I acquired sociopathic skills. I would lie to Sam and lie to sponsor guy. I would hang out with both of them. I would get benefits from both of them.

A strange thing happened. Sam proposed! We were at a restaurant and I was playing around with my vegetables and he went on his knees and pulled out a ring. I said ‘Yes’. Deep down I wanted Sam for his vitality and potential but I loved sponsor guy. I told everyone about the engagement and he posted it on facebook for everyone to see. One problem though….one month after the proposal sponsor guy sent me a link for scholarship to a prestigious university. I casually mentioned it to Sam and of course he was infuriated. From there on it was a battle field. Sam wouldn’t let me break up with him and at the same time he didn’t want me to apply for the scholarship. One day he embarrassed me in front of my work colleagues. He insulted me and threw stuff in my face. I was beyond humiliated. In the evening I went back home and applied for the scholarship. I mentally broke off the engagement and decided for once I will pursue my education. I broke up with sponsor guy, changed all my contact details etc.

Two months later I discovered I was pregnant.I was so tempted to terminate it for obvious reasons but I decided I’m of age. It’s time to pay the price. I continued with my life as usual. Then people start whispering that I don’t look ok. Word gets round to Sam. I find him at my gate suppressing a smile at the corners of his mouth. He says he’ll take the baby irregardless who the father is. I’m quiet all through. This pregnancy has surely humbled me. No more prancing around, lying and acting mighty. We start communicating. He volunteers to escort me to hospital. There’s joy but not as much. I’m determined to go for my scholarship and not settle because of my pregnancy.

Five months later I am awarded a fully scholarship at a prestigious university. My family and Sam see me off at the airport. Sam starts bonding with my dad. Only my mum knows I’m expectant. I register at my new school and start classes. Sam is throwing tantrums day and night. How could I leave him? Why did I choose education over family? I lie to him that I don’t care about the scholarship and I’m coming back to be with him. Sponsor guy is now out of the picture but he also heard rumours that I was pregnant. I come back, Sam is very supportive. I move in with my mom to prepare for child birth. Sam comes and does the honourable thing. We go for a maternity photo shoot. He shows me off to his friends and family. After the baby he proposes again and I move in with him.

Everything is tranquil except it’s not. I’m 8 weeks post partum we take the baby for clinic, we go for the first lunch date in 4/5 months then we get home and I’m so tired I go to sleep. He says he’ll stay with the baby so that I can rest. Then he comes at 3 am and starts yelling about something. That I don’t allow him to touch me, I’m too pre occupied with the baby to care about him. This goes on to about 6 am. I tried interjecting but I was too tired so I decided to just sit and stare. The baby wakes up and he says he’ll take care of the baby on his on. I start begging him to return the baby. He returns the baby and continues yelling. The he eventually blacks out at 7 am. I move to the living area to feed the baby and also to stretch. He wakes up from his sleep and follows me still grumbling and yelling. Then he says he’s moving out. He picks all his shoes and clothes puts them in suit cases and takes them to the car. He calls the security officers to pick furniture which they ignore. He drives off…the baby sleeps and I manage to sleep. 7 pm he comes back and sleeps on the couch while looking at us with one eye. He sleeps on the couch. The next day he sleeps in the nursery in a sleeping bag.

One week later he books a flight for the baby and I so that we can go on vacation. He follows us in a car. In the middle of vacay he throws another tantrum and threatens to drive us back home or take me to my parents. I feel like laughing all through because I have no idea what I am dealing with. We come back home and he’s still romantic. He takes care of the baby as I try to exercise to get back in shape. We start having evening strolls. Now he freely looks at my phone and laptops always checking whether I am in contact with sponsor guy. On valentines day I discover he’s been chatting with 2 girls ; one of them even sexting him. He took her out for lunch on valentines day then rushed home to be with us. In the evening he lied he was meeting his friend but he was going to see that girl. I get so furious and the little I was clinging on finally dies. I let him go from my heart. He’s free to do whatever he likes.

Then one day he throws another tantrum and orders my son and I out of the house in the evening. He says he’s done with the relationship. By this time I am so confused plus I might have post partum depression. I pack without any feeling. I am even glad I am going back to my mums because I can’t honestly deal with everything that’s going on plus the baby.

One month later he comes and convinces my mum that he wants to take the baby for an evening walk then disappears with the baby. He switches off his phone and we are all left crying. I report to the children welfare, go to court and all he says is that you’ll never see this baby again. He doesn’t appear in court. He insults all the police officers. He does everything possible not to be found. He moves from one hotel to another with/out the baby. I have no idea where he left. His parents seems to know where he is but they won’t tell me.

I decided to go back to school because I felt like I’m in a web. Better work on my studies as I pursue custody or whatever that is left. All he sends me are insults and photos of the baby. I have also insulted him back together with his parents. I have also apologized afterwards. In his case he never apologizes. From the photos the baby is ok but the police say as long as the baby is with the father there’s not much they can do. At the moment I have to send him several emails and chats so that he talks to me but halfway through he will threaten me with a lawsuit or threaten my family. Everyone is scared of him. The police don’t care. I have a gaping hole inside my heart without my son. He turned 14 months the other day…8 months without mommy…sob sob

I might have left out a lot but my question is…

Am I the sociopath or is he?
How do I handle the whole scenario.

[slimone]

vivac,

What do you think?
Do you feel better, smarter, and more entitled to everything?
Do you care about your baby, or is he a prop, just another event in your life?
Do you hold most other people in contempt?
Do you think other people are only here to give you whatever you want, whenever you want it?
Do you intentionally hurt other people, and feel glad of it?
Do you pick on people who are closest to you in order to spark a fight?

I guess, basically, I think if you want to know if you are are narcissist or sociopath you would need a therapist to help you understand yourself.

We can all do immature things, things we may look back on later in our lives and not be proud of. We also make different choices, depending on our particular generation. For example, multiple sexual partners is more accepted now than it was even a decade ago. So, those things don’t make us disordered.

Your baby’s daddy sounds angry, impulsive, jealous, and inconsiderate if your portrait of him is accurate.

The problem is, when you come onto a site and ask if you are a sociopath, then it is difficult for other readers of the blog to trust your descriptions, thinking you may be a sociopath, here to lie, stir up trouble, and gain attention.

Only you know if this is why you are here.

Slim

[vivac]

Dear Slimone,

Thanks a lot for the response. This is the only website that brought clarity to everything that I have been going through. To answer your questions;

1. Do you feel better, smarter, and more entitled to everything? I am assertive, that’s for sure. I am able to express myself but I take time to listen to other people’s opinions.

Do you care about your baby, or is he a prop, just another event in your life? I really care about my baby. I haven’t see him since July 2017 and I am worried the emotional pain is slowly turning into a wound. I am unable to access him since I don’t know where they stay and the relatives are taking me in circles.

Do you hold most other people in contempt? No.

Do you think other people are only here to give you whatever you want, whenever you want it? I stand up for myself and I work hard for what I want. I’ve discovered that sometimes I get manipulative which I always assumed it’s normal.

Do you intentionally hurt other people, and feel glad of it? No. Even now I feel so guilty for the insults unleashed on the father of my son and relatives when I was really really hurting. Most of the time when I reflect I realize I could have handled the situation better but when you’re in pain/hurting especially around a child you love so much it was hard for me to control myself.

Do you pick on people who are closest to you in order to spark a fight? No.

I guess, basically, I think if you want to know if you are are narcissist or sociopath you would need a therapist to help you understand yourself? I’ve done several online tests and I score between 50-60%. Like the website says it takes time to find a therapist who’s dealt with personality disorders but I’ll surely ask around for one.

We can all do immature things, things we may look back on later in our lives and not be proud of. We also make different choices, depending on our particular generation. For example, multiple sexual partners is more accepted now than it was even a decade ago. So, those things don’t make us disordered? This is true.

Your baby’s daddy sounds angry, impulsive, jealous, and inconsiderate if your portrait of him is accurate.

The problem is, when you come onto a site and ask if you are a sociopath, then it is difficult for other readers of the blog to trust your descriptions, thinking you may be a sociopath, here to lie, stir up trouble, and gain attention? Initially I wanted to blame him 100% for everything that happened but as time goes by I have to reflect and check whether I have a log in my eye. What you say is true. I tried my best to highlight the things that were initial red flags but I ignored.

Only you know if this is why you are here…I have a lot to learn. The last one and a half years have been turbulent and sometimes you get information overload. For now writing it down helps me to analyze myself before I find a professional I can work with. I’m also looking for a way to access my son without feeding my ex desire to hurt me more.

[Author]

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