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I got engaged in April 17 after a year together.This man swept me off my feet showered me with gifts romantic meals and gestures. However in September I went on a hen night when I seen him next he noticed a huge bruise on my abdomen and thought it was a love bite he accused me of sleeping with another man which is not true. This bruise was at least 3 inches long. We managed to overcome this and I thought he believed me. In oct we went while he was asleep I went to bathroom and was using my vape which I don’t use in public as I try to restrict my use. Got back into bed his arm went around me and he could feel I was cold he got up and accused me of going out of the room he even checked balcony to see if anyone was out there. I admitted I was using vape in bathroom and he said why hide it. Again we got over it. A week after getting engaged I was lying in bed and told him how much I loved him ( I’m not a romantic myself usually buy a gift instead of using words) and how I loved him and would never be unfaithful and never have been….. he went really quiet and asked why I said about being faithful. I said I was just reassuring him. He said now it’s all back in my head… we finished after having words a week later he turned up with flowers I forgave him. A month later I had bruises he asked what they were I asked him what he thought they were he told me just go to sleep. I got up and went home. Last Saturday on a night out I danced with an old friend(we did same salsa class together years ago) he said I humiliated him so I said he was insanely jealous and gave him ring back after a heated row I slapped his face wrong I know. I just need opinions am I right to stay out of this relationship? I am so sad and lonely
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dorothy12 – I don’t think you are imagining anything. yYu are seeing warning signs, and you are acting on them. This is really good.
He seems like he is a controller, and you don’t want to be in a relationship with a controller. He may plead for you to come back, but if you do, sooner or later he is likely to start controlling again.
I think you are better off without him.
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Do you know what is causing your bruises?
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It sounds like he is irrational and disordered, and abusive in his accusing and bullying you. Your normal responses of hurt and anger to the way he is treating you aren’t good for you. It can be sad and lonely when a relationship ends, but it doesn’t sound like he contributes to your well being. People who act like he does generally don’t change and don’t bring happiness to those they are close to. You are right to consider ending your interactions with him; his behavior is unacceptable if you choose to protect yourself from harm. Consider doing what you can to alleviate your loneliness by interacting with good people – volunteer, invite friends to do things with you, plan interesting and fun activities with relatives, take a class in some subject you’re interested in, join a group doing something you’re interested in. Whatever works for you and suits your life and interests.
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I can relate to how you feel a bit. I’m a little bit older than you at 58, my son is 21 and on his own. My mother is 93 and I spent a lot of time with her the last few years, though my sister recently moved in with her. I’m seeing the possibility of loneliness in my life ahead, and looking for ways to life a meaningful life for myself and others. It’s a natural need to have positive interactions with others. It’s also difficult to ‘make new friends’ later in life – it’s never the same as the relationships one has had for decades. The capacity you have for loving and giving in a relationship is something you take with you and is available to you in all situations, to give to someone who deserves you and who appreciates you. Your ex sounds like he has nothing to offer and he doesn’t appreciate your love.
I have found, especially as I get older, that I enjoy relationships with my peers and also people of all ages. I’m not sure I’d want to have to adjust to anything beyond casual dating, or getting remarried, at this point in my life.
It’s natural that you’re not happy on your own at this time as you’ve just ended a relationship with someone who did a lot to make you unhappy. It’s not realistic that you’ll instantly feel fulfilled right now. True fulfillment takes time – time to build a meaningful life and relationships for yourself.
You might make a list of pros and cons of getting out of this relationship; and also consider the ways you’d like to spend your time and energy.
When I was in the abusive draining painful horror of a ‘marriage’ to my ex psychopath, I was so distracted that I neglected the good and meaningful relationships I had with friends and family. I regret that now, and am glad that I am once again wholeheartedly interacting with friends and family. -
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Dorothy, I’m sorry this relationship has turned out disappointing for you. Sadly, the short answer to your question is yes, you’re dead right to stay out of this relationship. Your ex-fiancé’s suspicions are so extreme, they’re palpably absurd. Good heavens, a bruise on your stomach doesn’t have to be a hickey!
There are thought processes implied by this, rather like a Freudian word association test. If we say a word or mention an idea, what does it bring to someone’s mind?
For instance, if somebody told me (as you did) that they had a bruise on their stomach, what would it bring to MY mind? Granted, it is an odd place to have a bruise, and probably doesn’t happen very often. What it instantly brought to MY mind was a passage written by the humorist Paul Jennings (1918-1989) in an amusing article explaining why carpentry was not his forte. He titled the piece “Hitting the Nail on the Thumb”:
“The only serious and splendid thing that I have ever made myself is a bookcase. It stands eight feet high and consists of two uprights and seven shelves. I was very proud of it at the time, for it was made with screws. This was none of your slapdash, nailed-together jobs. I bought a chisel (I always have to buy a chisel when I want to chisel something, which is admittedly not often: the old chisel is either lost or so rusty that it looks like some neolithic tool dug up from a bog), I chiselled slots for the shelves, I made three screw holes in each slot. That’s forty-two holes. I was at it for a week, just making the holes. I screwed the whole thing together. It gave me a big bruise on the stomach because whenever I screw anything, no matter how much I prepare the hole with a gimlet, when the screw gets half-way in it becomes appallingly stiff and I have to lean my whole body against the screwdriver as I turn it. When I have finished there is a roaring noise in my ears, my wrists ache, and, as I say, there is a bruise on my stomach.”
Clearly there are more ways than one to get a bruise on our stomach! That was the one your story brought to my own mind! If you’re with a NORMAL person, a bruise on your stomach could bring many things to mind: sympathy and concern for your wellbeing, or just a funny story. But with your ex, a mere bruise on your stomach only brings TROUBLE!
No doubt your mention of “vaping” brought something entirely different to my mind. Nothing to do with carpentry, for instance. But the trouble with your ex-fiancé is that no matter WHAT it is that happens, no matter what the “trigger” is, HIS thoughts automatically fly to the SAME THING: his PARANOID FEAR OF INFIDELITY! It’s an obsession that’s occupying an enormous portion of his mind! The incident when you were vaping in the bathroom was ridiculous! That’s bonkers, for him to imagine that while you’re sleeping with him you’d get up in the middle of the night to meet some “secret lover” who’s hiding on the balcony? Come ON! Please let’s have some sanity here!
And finally, when all you did was to tell him how much you loved him and how you would always be faithful to him, all that did was to send his mind flying to the OPPOSITE fear! “WHY is she professing her fidelity so passionately?” he asks himself. “Is she trying to pull the wool over my eyes?”
He’s completely irrational, as Annette said, and you can NOT REASON with someone who has a fixation like this guy has. You can never convince him of your loyalty. At best, you can only allay his fears temporarily, as you’ve found out. As for dancing with an old friend of yours, NO WONDER that set him off big time! You really hit the nail on the head (not “on the thumb,” like Paul Jennings!) when you called him “INSANELY jealous.”)
Even if your ex doesn’t seem to fit one of the commonest personality disorders, that doesn’t matter when his thinking is so obviously deranged. The borderline personality is dominated by extreme fear of abandonment, but I’m not hearing that your ex displays any other borderline traits, or any inexplicable swings in mood or attitude. Psychopaths too, although they’re notably immune to “fear” in the ordinary way, can display paranoid responses to any suspicion of somebody “betraying” them or “doing them down.” But again, I haven’t heard anything else to suggest your ex is psychopathic.
Still, none of that makes any difference when your ex’s paranoia alone is severe enough to warn anyone that you have no future with him. As Donna pointed out, his unreasoning fears will only lead to his becoming INTOLERABLY controlling, possibly even to the point that he may try to stop you leaving the house. You will never be free! You will certainly never be able to enjoy a perfectly innocent dance with an “old friend”!
Worse still, if you do try to break free of him, just to enjoy a normal life, there’s a good chance he could get violent and do you a lot of damage. By all means stay clear of him. You may be lucky to have broken this relationship before he got TOO possessive toward you and started stalking you.
In case you’re ever tempted to give your ex another chance, here’s a cautionary tale from 17 years ago about a man who may have been something like your ex. The 21-year-old named Cara who was involved with him was clearly confused by the contradictory sides to his nature. He was so good to her in many ways that she saw him as the “Perfect Man”… EXCEPT for his possessiveness and insane jealousy. “Is he good or bad,” she asks, “when all he wants is to see me happy? Am I the selfish one?” Here’s the link:
I have to admit Cara was pretty dumb, not because she was unable to see this was a disordered man—we know why people can be blind to that reality—but for making matters worse by provoking him with her passive-aggressive behavior. Refusing to answer her pager only inflamed his already exaggerated fears of infidelity, making him madder than ever. It got her roughed up in consequence. Provoking these types is the most dangerous thing anyone can do. The thing to do is to get OUT and STAY out! But Cara’s story does illustrate how terrifying life can become if you get entangled with one of these paranoid, possessive nutjobs.
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Dorothy, Sounds like you are strong and have a clear view of recovery from the betrayal and loss of the relationship. It was very difficult for me to believe things would ever get better when I was getting out of the ‘marriage’ to my ex psychopath. I was pleasantly surprised when I had good days, and 5 years out now I am blessed with overall happiness. I regret I didn’t leave sooner, but I did what I thought was best at the time. I suppose if I’d left sooner I might now wonder if I didn’t give it enough of a chance.
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Sounds like a good ceremony to bury the relationship and his disorder. I have anxiety from time to time that I never experienced before the spath, and it’s difficult to get rid of. It’s natural to experience that symptom of PTSD when someone who presents himself as caring for your well being in the context of a relationship that is supposed to be love based, betrays and turns into a monster trying to harm you. It’s the classic horror movie theme – handsome nice kind loving prince turns into a werewolf trying to torture the victim. It is a horror.
I read up on PTSD and used some techniques to help with the symptoms. I found a relaxation and deprogramming audio tape on the Safe Relationships Magazine site really helpful. I listened to it every evening for about a year.
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