An enlightening discovery and comparison

[funluvmusic25]

It’s been awhile since I posted about my relationship with my male narcissist. I’ve since made strides with NC and have become very aware of narcissistic traits and behavior. They say people come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. In hindsight my narcissist came into my life for a reason – to teach me about narcissists. I never knew they existed until he charmed his way into my life. I always thought there was something wrong with me. I now realize a longtime female friend has displayed so many of the same traits as my male narcissist. In the past I thought she was conceited always having to be the center of attention. I now have a clearer picture of her true personality.

We got to know each other through our workplace. We did some traveling together, had some fun escapades together and shared our family stories with each other. When we both changed jobs and later retired communication seemed to fall off. I was always the one reaching out by text or phone calls and she was always the one who went MIA and later would profusely apologize for being such a “bad friend.” The same thing seemed to happen time and time again with me letting it go and trying to restart where we left off. Most recently she kept promising to take me out for my birthday which was in January, but said it would be better when it warmed up (January here can be cold and snowy). She would reply to my texts saying the same thing time after time and say, “I’ll definitely call you.” It’s almost June and my birthday celebration has still not happened and she has not called. I could care less about the birthday celebration as I feel she puts it out there like a “lollipop” that will solve everything and obviously my birthday celebration can only take place when it’s convenient for her. The last time we texted was two months ago and then she disappears. I decided to text asking if she was kidnapped by aliens?! She responded with a litany of excuses…helping family with medical appointments, babysitting, church volunteering, etc, etc. She went on to say she knows her apologies sound insincere and asked that I not write her off because she still wants to take me out for my birthday. I finally decided to call her out and replied with “ I’m relieved and happy to know you are okay, yet if I’m being honest I’m not quite sure how to reply.” I went on to say I am disappointed in her part of our friendship and said everyone has a lot going on, yet friends should be a part of that too. I agreed that her apologies do seem insincere especially when they repeatedly happen. I admitted I was a bit leery of trusting her words as actions speak louder than words. I closed saying “I’m not sure where we go from here, but I’m happy you are doing okay, stay healthy and enjoy the warmer weather.” I have had zero response from her which to me ultimately proves my point- our friendship seems to take a back seat.
Having time to digest all of this I’m realizing very similar traits in my male and in my female narcissist.
1) They both seem to brag about all of the people they are “helping”
2) They go MIA for long periods of time, especially if you call them out on something
3) They only talk about their world and all the “important” things they’re doing.
4) They seem to have no remorse, guilt or empathy
5) They have a way of making you feel like you’re the overbearing, crazy one.
Both of these people are seniors, well at an age where you would think rational maturity should matter.
I’m currently going through grieving a lost friendship, feeling maybe it’s me and wondering why there has been no response from her. I feel I deserve better and also deserve to be able to set some boundaries. Funny, I also had the same feelings when I went NC with my male narcissist. I know if I was called out on my part of the friendship I would feel horrible and try to repair it and make amends. Instead the narcissist seems to pick up their marbles and stomp away.
I guess I’m posting to validate my feelings and also to note the similarities. Any feedback or comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening to my long-winded tale:)

[polestar]

Hi funluv –
I know just how you feel – discovering that a narcissist female friend can exhibit the same exact characteristics as the male. And we are left so perplexed about the whole relationship. Being a female, we are not looking for red flags with a friend and find it inconceivable that there could be danger lurking. Thus we give them far too many passes for unacceptable behavior. I had such a “ friend “, and at one point I started to become suspicious and read and read over a bunch of books about narcissists and that type of character. There was a long time that I would go back and forth in cognitive dissonance because it was so confusing due to her conflicting behaviors – like your friend who kept promising a birthday celebration, and when called out would be quick to play the part of a friend but at the same time all the while dropping the ball with so many excuses. I do have regrets that I just did not end this so called friendship as soon as I became suspicious but I didn’t because I was trying to be nice and not think ill of someone. And was trying to see the good. Big Mistake ! Because those narcissists are mean, and they will just keep on with their wierd games and escalate ever more viciously. You are lucky that the person just went silent on you when confronted. Silent treatments are cruel, but at least they are passive aggressive, and you can turn it around to make it a No Contact from your end. What happened to me was that when I gently stood up to that person, she accused me of all kinds of things that were not true and behaved very aggressively. But the point to all of this is that they are very toxic and just like when you have ingested poison, it does harm and takes awhile to get out of your system. I am very sensitive and it did hurt me to be accused and to have history be rewritten. I think if this scenario ever happens again, I will act immediately instead of continuing to interact in order to give someone the benefit of the doubt. It seems to me that you kind of did something similar by giving your “ friend “ so many chances to come through as a real friend. Not a criticism, just acknowledging that it takes awhile for us to be wise and self protective. In any case, I would be on the lookout for your “ friend “ to come back with a “ Hoover “ at some point. She could so easily say that she got busy again and would like to catch up with what’s been going on etc etc. So best to block her in all ways possible, and if somehow she does get a message through to you – be sure not to respond. In the meantime, get on with your life, and the memory of her will dwindle until you won’t even think of her at all. That’s what I did, and it’s been great not to have that toxic person in my life at all. As soon as a narcissist ( male or female ) appears or is recognized, we need to definitely shut the door! Thanks for sharing.
Blessings

[funluvmusic25]

Hi Polestar,

Thank you so much for your insightful assessment. You verbalized exactly what I’ve been feeling. We don’t look for red flags with female friends in part because we trust they will not break our hearts like a love relationship we establish with men. We go into the friend relationship with our hearts wide open. As their narcissistic tendencies start to show we know something is not quite right, but we look to blame ourselves first. I’m not one that looks for chaos or an argument, but after being disappointed and taken advantage of time after time we “gently” try to establish our boundaries. Of course this is new behavior that our narcissistic friend sees in us especially When they’re used to controlling the friendship. Even when called out they do not accept any responsibility for their behavior. I keep reminding myself I deserve better and also deserve the right to voice my disappointment. I agree, I’m probably fortunate she didn’t respond as it would be challenging for me to believe any more promises or excuses. As the saying goes…..fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Like you, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and try to be nice. I didn’t want to seem like a complainer. As we age our world gets smaller and we lose friends to natural aging as it is. I think deep down this was a fear of mine. I now look at it as the “glass half full” instead of half empty. With the so-called loss of this toxic friend it leaves the door open for healthy friends to come my way. She really wasn’t there for me anyway, so what is the loss?!
I really appreciate your insight and feedback, Polestar. I think I will be able to move on with a clearer head and experience more restful nights without tossing and turning over this dilemma. Thanks again for your kind response.

[polestar]

Hi funluv – it was so wonderful to receive your response because I felt that we definitely understood each other and validated each other. Can’t get better than that !
Blessings to you.

[funluvmusic25]

Hi Polestar,

Yes, I agree……it can’t get any better than being understood and validated!
I’m realizing with no response from my “friend” she is proving my point……no interest in working on or valuing our friendship, and as a true narcissist her world is the only world that matters.
Her birthday is coming up in two weeks and at the very least we have always exchanged birthday cards. I go back and forth as to whether or not I should go ahead send her a card. Again, I want to be the “nice, thoughtful” friend, but I feel it invites a response from her. Deep down is that what I’m looking for trying to hold out hope for a miraculous change in her personality? Again, always giving someone the benefit of the doubt. My emotional brain goes with sending a card, yet my intelligent brain says “ no more,” don’t buy into thinking she will care or feel guilt or remorse. She might respond and feign being a friend, but it won’t take long for the same old cycle of neglect to appear.
I think I’ve answered my own question…..just needed to process it out loud.
Polestar, it gives me strength knowing a complete stranger on this site gets it and understands there are female, so-called narcissistic “friends” out there to be aware of! Thank you!!
My best,
Funluv

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