At a Crossroad

[funluvmusic25]

Hi everyone,
With almost 16 months of NC under my belt I find I am struggling to fill the void. There’s a part of me that wants to connect with my ex if only to find some closure. I miss the connection, I miss his voice and it seems no matter how hard I try, no one and nothing can fill that void. I don’t think any one person, be it friends or family, can take the place of feeling loved and wanted. Perhaps I’m seeing my ex thru rose colored glasses and giving him way too much credit, yet I feel I’m on the brink of contacting him.

I started taking a very low dose antidepressant when I went NC and it has taken away much of my anxiety, yet I’m thinking I may need my doctor to increase the dosage. I’m tired, sleeping more and feel I’m having bouts of depression………I know it’s not an ideal time to be considering reconnecting with my ex. No matter how I try to fill the void I still feel empty and lonely. Sometimes I think since the relationship is long distance, what would it hurt to talk on the phone? The reality is it would eventually cause the same frustration and loneliness with more empty promises.

I’m very independent and keep busy with keeping up my home, exercising at the YMCA pool four times a week, keeping up friendships and going out when I can, so it’s not like I’m sitting here 24/7 doing nothing. Yet, he is always in my thoughts. I just said to my friend who knows what I’m going thru, “can you call me at least 4 times a week like he did?” The answer to that is obvious since my friend’s job keeps her very busy and she has other friends that also keep her engaged. We all talk about healing, yet it’s not that easy getting over a love that we all took very seriously. Cognitive dissonance, sure, yet when will it ever go away? I’ve cried, screamed and took to my journal noting all of the crappy things that took place over the course of our relationship, but in these low moments it doesn’t seem to make a dent. I don’t think any other loss, be it a romantic break-up, a divorce or a death of a loved one compares to the emptiness and void the narcissistic break-up incurs. Most of the general public are not aware of what this feels like, so in essence do not fully understand what we’re going through. Just shaking their heads and telling us to get over it is not helpful. I’ve been inspired and encouraged by the supportive words I’ve received on this site, yet here I am at a crossroad.

I know I just have to get through this rough patch, yet would appreciate any feedback to help me stay the course. Thanks for listening.

[sept4]

Hello Funluv, yes I understand completely what you are going through. I used to reach out to my ex years ago when I was in earlier stages of recovery and I just got more abuse from him. With these sociopaths/narcs all contact is abuse. Any contact will be either lies or manipulation or using you in some way or abusing you in some way.

That said I have reached out to mine before and learned this the hard way so maybe you need to also. Maybe you need to touch the stove to learn it’s hot. I eventually learned the hard way and now have zero desire anymore to reach out to him and have had zero desire to contact him for many years now. So I’m further along in recovery.

However I’m not fully recovered yet because even though I have been no contact for years AND no desire for contact for years, I still think about my ex 24/7 and it never stops. Not that I miss him but I think about what I should have done differently to protect myself. This replays over and over in my head 24/7/365. Hopefully one day it will stop.

But yes I can confirm that you can recover to the point of having no desire for contact because that is genuinely the case for me now. And I know some people like Donna have recovered even further to where they don’t even think about the narc anymore which is my goal.

[funluvmusic25]

Hi sept4, Thank you for pointing out some things from your own experiences. The thinking part is what I’ve been going through which leads me to wanting to make contact. I feel in the back of my mind I know that it wouldn’t end well, yet somehow I think we all feel things just might be different. All the way around, it’s a bad idea and would only favor the narcissist.

Unknowingly you helped me by posting the Tic Tok series, WTF Did I Marry. I started watching it and it immediately brought back images of my ex. They lie about everything even when they don’t have to and lie by omission too. I think it’s just what I need in the moment and I plan to binge watch the series in its entirety. Thank you for the valuable post!

I hope as time passes you’ll be able to remove all of the thoughts that consume you on a daily basis. There are so many triggers to our journey and our healing that we never imagined. Hopefully, we can eradicate all of them one by one and find peace again. No one can understand all of this unless they’ve been through it. I’m very grateful to you and others on this site that get it.

[sept4]

Yes the Tik Tok series was sooo good!! It took me about three days to binge watch all 50 episodes. As a spectator it’s so easy to see that he is lying and you end up yelling at your phone girl he is lying to you!! Girl he is conning you!! Girl he is a fraud!! Lol but I believed everything my ex said too.

[funluvmusic25]

sept4; I caught a video of “Legion” saying he had all these bank accounts, found out she was cheating and said when she got pregnant it was the other man’s child. OMG, what a worthless piece of crap he is! And of course the first thing he’s thinking of is suing for defamation. It so reminds me of my ex pointing the finger at everyone else. It was a good jolt of reality for me! Just what I needed to remind me of how things really were with my ex………and how they would continue to be. So glad you posted this series……….some things come just in time when you need them the most!❤️

[sept4]

Yes it honestly makes me laugh now how much my ex lied and how gullible and naive I was. I just always believed everything he said no matter how dubious. It comes from an innocent place of love and trust but a malicious person like him just takes full advantage of that innocence.

I also saw a video of Legion’s ex and she confirmed that everything Reesa said about him is true and that he is a compulsive liar and a narcissist. And Reesa said his own family members even said the same thing.

[emilie18]

funluvmusic25: One of my favorite quotes is “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.” by Robert Frost. Sometimes when one is at a crossroad it seems so much easier to take the more familiar path – but it also with fraught with all the familiar obstacles and barriers and traps. It takes courage to shove off on an unknown path – to face an uncertain future, to measure yourself against new challenges. I have taken both paths in my life – the well-trodden and the unrutted. I have always found the less traveled path, even though it IS scary, to be the best. It’s the only way you are going to grow. Stay strong and travel your new future with hope!

[funluvmusic25]

emilie18; Thank you for your hopeful post! It does take courage to do something different, yet when you do and you look back at your progress it does give you hope. In my mind I know what the tried and true routine looks like and it would be easy to go with the familiar, yet the only one trying would be me. I have to realize narcissists will never change their patterns…….after all, they typically get the results they’re after and then move on to their new victim.
Thank you for your support, emilie18! ❤️

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