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I went NC. Again. I really hope I can stick to it this time. Ive never made it past the initial withdrawl and he always found a way to get a hold of me, yet I have a feeling he won’t try this time.
I don’t want to give away too many details but long story short he added me to social media, I accepted. Realized he removed me. It gave me that adrenaline rush of doom and ruined my day. I decided to block him on every level, again.
The thing that’s the hardest is not knowing if he will try to get a hold of me. That always ruins my NC. But he’s also proven to me that he will find a way if he really wants to. It’s a dangerous game leaving the portal open. You think you are strong enough to ignore a text or block after they eventually reach out, but I know myself and I can’t do that. He always breaks me with contact.
It’s been a couple weeks since I last saw him. He got into my head and for the first time in a very long time I reached out and he jumped at it. I seduced him for once. I’ve always let him make the moves but this time I was mad and I wanted to be in predatory mode and use him. Afterwards I kicked him out and literally slammed the door on him. He didn’t stare at me as he was leaving like he usually does. I knew something was going through his mind. I believe the social media delete was after this happened but who knows. Before he came over I lied and said I was out when I was home getting drunk enough to see him. I know he was outside of my place waiting for me to text him. He may have known I was home and lying, drinking by myself. It’s gotten so messy, I’ve become a train wreck with my behaviour regarding him and he knows it. I’ve said it a million times before that it’s gotten too messy and he’s probably done. It just has to get too messy at some point for them right where they just drop you?
I’m just disappointed in myself more than anything. I’ve had so many opportunities to drop him and have that upper hand and I threw them away. I just feel this time I’m slinking away with my pride in the garbage.
He has deleted me off social media once before, it’s always been me who does it. The last time he did it I shot him text after angry text. He let it sit for a week or two for me to cool down then texted me like nothing had happened. I was tempted to do the same this time but this time all he gets is silence. He didn’t block me on social media, just deleted, so I think he may have done this for a reaction from me again. Either that or he’s just done.
It doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t care. A part of me still does though of course.
Just hoping I can make it past the initial stages of NC this time. If he’s finally let go of me for good I know it’s doing me a favour because maybe I never would have. Yes I wish it hadn’t gone down this way but shit happens. These situations can get so messy and you just lose your sense of self. They warn you to drop them before they drop you, and I can’t argue that. I hung on for far longer than I should have and nothing ever changed, it only gets worse and adds to the trauma and wasted time.
I’m just really struggling with how I kept letting this guy continue to hurt me for so long. Like I get why, I do. This is just the hardest grossest experience of my life so far. I’m sure you all get that. And I get why NC is so hard, I think for me the main thing is there is no justice in all this. I guess NC is justice enough hey? Nothing else works like sticking around compliantly, yelling, yelling them off, crying or talking. I’ve done it all as I’m sure you all have too. The only message they hear is silence and at least with the silence we can truly start to heal.
So glad I found this place. Thanks for reading my vent. ?
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summertimesadness – I’m sorry you’re hurting. These involvements are always painful when you’re in them, and painful to get out of them.
The reason is that being involved with a sociopath is addictive. So you need to treat it like an addiction.
1. You must make the decision to end it. Don’t wait for him to “let you go.”
2. Commit to No Contact. When you break No Contact, as you know, you’re back where you started.
3. Take it one day at a time. Get through today. Then tomorrow. Then the next day.Believe in yourself. You can do this.
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hey summertime – i get it. everyone on this website gets it. and its OK however long it takes you to make it stick. i’m on my 4th NC and am better than ever. i really feel like this time i wanted it. talk about it, make it real in our life and not just in your head. the more you speak about it – the stronger you will be.
i felt all the same things you mentioned – will he contact me? how long before it happens? i fought with him too. why wasn’t i enough? i would have given him everything. i made him say the words this time though – we’re done- i think for this asshole – actually saying the words ( i had on all other times) meant that it would stick.
i kept reading all the stories and tips from this and other websites, and I DECIDED that i was done. really done . its NC all the way! i am focusing on my life/job/family/friends and there is nothing else.
yeah it sucks – its a struggle – but at the end you will know yourself and be ready for someone to truly love you.
there are 8 billion people in the world – do you really want to waste your time on this one awful example?
we are all here for you to talk/type/chat for whatever support you need.
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take it one hour, one day at a time.
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Restraining Orders – not just for keeping him away from you. I’ve been NC for 7m 🙂 Alternatively, tell all your friends and family about what happened – this means if you’re tempted to go back you know you’re going to have to deal with people telling you you’re an idiot.
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It is really sad that we have to be dragged through so much pain with these sociopath…Making no contact is what worked for me
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