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So about 6 months ago my wife and I had a serious talk with my bio kids (her step kids) telling them that in our house we have adopted new rules and these rules may differ from her moms house but we are going to start parallel parenting. We explained to them that parallel parenting is a healthy way to be raised and all it meant was that their mom had a set of rules they had to adhere to and we had a set of rules they had to adhere to. I told them that their mom and I tried co-parenting but it just didn’t work out because we have a volatile relationship. I explained that when things are toxic between to divorced parents that sometimes parallel parenting is the best avenue to take. I also explained to them that co-parenting is rare and most people do parallel parenting. They both seemed to take it pretty well. (BTW- my daughters are 10 and 14). A little back story to all of this is my wife and I found some texts from the step dad to my oldest daughter that had flirtatious undertones. This made my wife and I contemplate going back to court to get more time with my kids and try to keep them away from step dad as much as possible. We feel as if he is grooming her, but its something hard to prove and the courts usually don’t do much about it. My wife spoke to her ex (which my ex befriended, go figure) and told him that she didn’t want their kids around this guy. She showed him the text and he didn’t say much. He apparently agreed that what she showed him wasn’t appropriate though because her kids no longer go over there anymore. Soon after this is when I got served papers to go back to court. She is taking me back to get more time with her kids (Its standard now 60/40) and she wants more child support. She basically wants the schedule back that we used to have when we first got divorced. She took my 14 year old to her lawyer where apparently she told him that she wanted less time with me and more with her mom. There is so much brainwashing that goes on over there its not even funny. So much of this stuff is so hard to prove though. Its so taxing. Why can’t they just live life and leave us alone. Our kids are fine and they love being with us. They never complain about it. We let them have friends over, stay with friends, attend their social gatherings, sports, etc. Life goes on when they are with us. I am in their hometown (30 miles away) almost every evening when I have them. We make it work. On top of all of this she wants me to pay her lawyer fees. After she took me back to court! She is claiming that I am jealous of the relationship they have with their step dad and that I have tainted that relationship by expressing my concern about certain things.
Has anyone else had similar experiences with their Ex? I guess I can’t believe she wants to go back to court when she has to know I am going to bring this up about her husband. Does she really care? I truly think she is banking on the Ad-Litem siding with my daughter who is old enough to have a voice. What are people’s opinions on this?
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ihit4avg – I am so sorry for what is happening. This is all a game for your ex, and her objective is to win. she will do anything to 1) ruin your relationship with your kids and 2) get more money out of you.
Do you have an attorney? If not, you may need one.
And, are your girls in therapy? If not, perhaps they should be.If you are going to fight your ex, you will have to be tough. She brought up that you are “jealous” of the relationship with the stepfather. That may give you the opening to express your concerns about grooming, which are legitimate. In fact, you might want to think about asking for full custody, because your girls are in danger around that man.
Whether you could get it depends on the court. You’ll need to know if your judge is open to that idea. That’s why it may be important to have an attorney – attorneys typically know what judges usually do. In reality, what is right or wrong doesn’t matter. What matters is what the judge decides.
If you plan to represent yourself, you should definitely sit in your judge’s courtroom to see how he/she handles cases. That will help you decide how to proceed.
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ihit4avg, please protect your daughters. Reading your post sends chills up my spin that you & your wife are see RED FLAGS with the step fathers emails to your daughter. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT INSTINCT WITH THIS ISSUE!!
I dont normally watch tv, but the few times I have watch the Dr Phil show,they have had good info. One of the shows there was a situation like yours, the father was concerned over the step father’s behavior, I cant remember the whole show, but Dr Phil did immediately told the father that he should be concerned because a high percentage of child molestation, not only occurs from someone that their family KNOWS, but also a high percentage from a step father or boyfriend in the home. I cant remember the statistical facts….but PLEASE do some research on this.
Then, I would recommend, that you find your children a counselor that specialist in this area, to make sure they have not already been abused and/or if they are being groomed by him. Is the guy grooming them, or worse that this guy might be manipulating your ex wife into going to court to “control the situation” to benefit him & prevent his behavior from being exposed and by controlling you by taking your kids away and creating chaos to keep everyones attention away from his behavior?. OR maybe he is being manipulated by your ex? This is what you need to uncover, but do it STEALTHY. If he is grooming your daughters, then he is a masterful manipulator who can end up turning the courts against you. So beware.
NOW, please be careful not to end up in a “parental alienation” situation with a judge. But, your job as a parent is to protect your children from any harm. Have all your ducks in a row with a counselor. And if there is NO “grooming” going on then drop it so that you dont harm your children emotionally or mentally also. It’s a fine line to walk with all of this. But, if he is the go to the police via the counselor.
1 in 3 girls will be abused sexually. So…listen to your gut instinct. To me a step parent should just be sending a text or email stating…”did you get home from school yet?” “dont forget to lock the front door when you get to the house” or any other text that shows concern for their safety. If his text are anything other…listen to your gut instinct!!
Google: “Gift of fear Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their show on listening to your gut instinct always!! Gavin Debecker’s book is “The Gift of Fear” (your local library may have it). IT’s worth you reading & also read it to your daughters & let your daughters that they should tell you if anyone ever tries to harm them to let you & your wife know immediately (do this delicately so that they dont know that you are watching the step father right now).
ps DO NOT TELL YOUR EX WIFE OR HER HUSBAND THAT YOU ARE SENDING YOUR CHILDREN TO A COUNSELOR THAT DEALS WITH SEXUAL ABUSE. Do this stealthy if you can.
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Jan 7 – thank you so much for your reply to Ihit4avg. Your concern is much appreciated.
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Thank you Donna for your kind words. I actually hesitated for 3 days to post something, but felt that these children are endanger. Like the old saying: If you see something say something. Thank you for all of your hard work (and Terry’s) to keep this site running for all of us to connect & help each other out.
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