Beware the hoover!

[laylabelle]

I write this as I reach that time of year again when everything I see, hear, and smell in the air takes me right back to the beginning of my relationship with ‘my person’ and I admit I still grieve it all and still find it hard to believe it went on so long.
All the research I did and scenarios I ignored,all the time feeling I was being played, picked up and dropped, but always giving him the benefit of the doubt because of his unwavering words, songs, and declarations of love All keeping me bonded to what I so wanted to believe.
My person,who claimed me to be the love of his life,after saying something which really hurt me,and upon taking a new job just stopped contact. We would see each other in our usual places and he would still behave like we were in a relationship, but could not understand if I said anything that suggested we were done because he hadn’t contacted me. He would always tell me he would contact me when he could, kiss me and tell me he loved and missed me. Then those meetings became further apart until after 8 months there he was, telling me he’d missed me badly and loved me so much, there were tears in his eyes. I told him I loved him too but as I hadn’t heard from him in so long I’d assumed he was happy with his life and I wished him well in his
‘ desperately unhappy marriage’ and hoped the holidays were happy ones for him.
I had a couple of encounters months later where he saw me out and approached me,immediately swooped in to kiss me intimately and said, next time he would make love to me. The next time never happened and at the unplanned next encounter his excuse was that there’d been an illness with a family member ( for the past couple of days)…oh and all the other months he had been busy busy.
This was the point at which I just looked at him and thought there is something wrong with you.

Of course I’d always known but not having that contact with him had allowed me to pull away with my emotions and stop waiting for words which never had any actions.
I berated him for not being true to his word and two days later my phone pinged. It had been 16 months with no phone contact and he said ” hello xc2#% missing your smile, have a lovely day”.
That message freed me.

That he thought after all that time this was all he needed to say to me was beyond me. I did reply saying that my day was busy and hoped he had a nice day too, and I never heard from him again and not seen him since in 7 months.
I know now for certain that it was all about him, just a tiny crumb with no plans to talk or catch up on anything, he actually thought he was giving me enough to keep me hooked but nothing else.
Beware the hoover, these disordered people give you less and less each time they come back, they only come back if their current supply gets boring and they need to know you still pine for them.
Beware the hoover, these individuals thrive on thinking that you are so desperate for them that you will be happy with crumbs.
If a hoover comes when you are still longing for them to return, stop and think and ask yourself what are you actually giving me to make my life complete and happy? And for how long can I waste my years waiting for someone to choose me, someone who is incapable of not hearing my wants and needs?.

Just Beware the hoover!

[Donna Andersen]

Laylabelle – thank you so much for sharing this post. It is so true.

I am glad that you are finally away from him. Now it’s time to get the emotional pain out of your system. Perhaps you can use this season when you expect to be triggered to your advantage.

When something happens that reminds you of him or your time with him, maybe you can use that as a prompt to really allow yourself to feel the emotions of the painful discard. You knew in your heart that something wasn’t right, but you didn’t listen to your heart and gave him the benefit of the doubt. This time, listen to your heart. Let the emotion come to the surface. If you cry, fine. If you feel betrayed, really allow yourself to feel it.

This is the path to healing. It’s messy, but it is worth it, because on the other side you can have the life you want and deserve.

[polestar]

Hi Laylabelle – thank you for your amazing post ! You added a whole new scenario to my knowledge of these sociopath’s script. Your X, I think had a whole new technique: to disappear like Hoodini and then like pulling a rabbit out of a hat, acting like there was no time lapse at all and like you were a loving couple all along. Plus with a lot of promises that also never appeared. I would actually call it gaslighting. That kind of behavior would cause anyone to feel very confused and off balance. I think you handled it all very well and I thank you for sharing so we have another glimpse of their wierd games. Blessings to you

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