Broken from narcs. Have been in bed 5 years.

[julianastar]

Hi Everyone.
I don’t know where to turn anymore.
I grew up with 3 brothers and my father. My father was a narc with OCD. My mother left when I was 13. I am the only girl in the family. My brothers always bullied me and called me names. My father was verbally abusive, but moreso to my older brpthers. I was always extremely sensitive and emotional and cried a lot. I spent a lot of time alone in my bedroom playing with my dolls.
Fast forward 38 years. As hard as I tried to make something of my life, no matter if it was getting married, (and divorced), going to college, getting a good job, buying a home, trying to start my own animal rescue. No matter what I did, I was ridiculed, and made to feel like I was crazy, and a failure by my father and 3 brothers.
I fought back, defended myself constantly, tried to point out all the good things I had worked so hard for in my life. I was called delusional, nuts all different horrible names for close to 40 years.
I had always been so kind, sweet, compassionate and empathetic and still cried easily.
5 years ago I went through 3 traumas back to back within 4 months. My family did the usual unsupportive name calling and gaslighting. I than had a nervous breakdown. I tried to find treatment but couldn’t. I mean I really tried. I live in a rural area far from my homestate and mental healthcare is NIL. Than I got strep and the flu, ended up hospitalized and came home on oxygen for 2 months and never fully recovered. I have some sort of post viral illness.
I have been isolating in bed for 5 years. I’m in a wheelchair and can no longer drive. I have gained a lot of weight from processed food. My father died of cancer. My mother, my only support in my life, died of cancer, my oldest brother died of Covid and my other 2 brothers have abandoned me.
When I got sick, they checked out of my life. All I had was my little dog and he passed 8 days ago.
To say I am not doing good is an understatement.
I am 60 years old with no light inside me anymore. I gave up on my hopes and dreams of selling my home and relocating back home.
I have lost so much. I was beaten down so much when I got sick, than abandoned by the ones I needed the most.
I don’t know how to go on without any assistance.
I am dead inside.
I don’t know how to get my spark back. My smile. Me.

[polestar]

Hi julianastar – I am so sorry about all you have gone through and all you are still going through now. Your emotional body and your health have taken a huge hit. From my experience, when things seemed to be at the darkest and lowest, what I did was pray. I am not a religious fanatic or anything like that, but I do believe in a loving God and I believe that He does respond to prayer. So what happened for me was that people and circumstances happened that helped me enormously. Also by reaching out for help was life saving for me. So make all the calls you can for services that are available that you know of, and then one by one you will start to get referrals that will more closely align for your specific needs. Do not loose hope. i am glad that you reached out to us here at LoveFraud because it is important that you do not isolate yourself. I, myself am more able to help on a psychological level ( hopefully ! ) but there are those here that have more expertise in practical aspects of life, so I hope that one of the participants who is more knowledgeable than I am in those matters will be reading our posts. But the bottom line, as I said, is to get the ball rolling with prayer and the phone ! Keep us posted by how things are going because I know things will start to open up for you as you make positive efforts. Love and Light to you. PS – I’ll be praying for you too.

[funluvmusic25]

Julianastar- I’m so sorry for the disappointments, health issues and losses you’ve experienced. The fact that you’ve found this site and had the courage to share your story is admirable. Think of that as your first step in finding help for yourself. When you are so beaten down it is hard to find hope and bring your light back to some normalcy.
Someone once said when you are in the throws of depression and you can barely get out of bed try to concentrate on doing just one thing. It doesn’t have to be anything big, just one small thing you can accomplish for the day. Think about getting up and brushing your teeth……..that’s all you need to do today….just brush your teeth. As ordinary as it might sound it will bring a sense of accomplishment and perhaps tomorrow you can brush your teeth and perhaps make a phone call. If you make a phone call in search of some social services you might qualify for, you might be surprised at how one phone call can open up your world. Basically, it’s putting one foot or one task in front of the other to move you closer to obtaining services that can help you. You have shown so much strength in spite of your family dynamics and I believe that strength is still within you. Take one small step to honor yourself and continue to build on that. You are worth it! This site is a great community to lean on.
Please continue to share. Blessings to you.

[emilie18]

Julianastar: I am so proud of you for reaching out. That takes courage. Even though it feels like life has hit bottom, you had the resolve to post here. That is an amazing step. I know what you mean about services being scarce in rural areas – I live where the nearest hospital is an hour away, and therapists three hours drive – but there is also online help out there – BetterHelp, TalkSpace – search for “best online therapy”, but avoid the “sponsored” results. I agree with polestar and funlovemusic25 — prayer is powerful, even if you don’t believe. Just speaking your sorrows and fears out into the universe helps. And small steps – so very important. Set one goal. Achieve it. Set another. It works. There are days when my goals are ridiculously minute – “go outside and breath”, to ridiculously challenging “clean out my junk drawer” – but when I DO them man-oh-man do I feel fulfilled! It helps get you out of bed, out of your head and back into living again. And post here often — you will be amazed at how cleansing it is to put your feelings in print – anonymously – and hear from others who have been there! Blessings to you.

[julianastar]

Thankyou so much everyone. I try to do one thing a day but I am overwhelmed at how much needs to be done that I cannot due. My mobility has suffered from being in bed and isolating from the world. I have contacted every organization in the area and some around the country but there just isn’t anything. I have to pay with Medicare and State Medicaid so the online places are out. I live in the southeast and what they do have available doesn’t take Medicaid or isn’t accepting new patients. I am afraid to let strangers in the house that advertise on Facebook sites to clean cheap because so many people have been robbed and/or hurt by them. Plus one handyman through the church that did a lot of work on my house for many years and that I considered a friend came to fix something while my brother was dying of Covid. I asked him to put on a mask and that I had a box of surgical masks if he didn’t have one. I have COPD and heart disease. My brother was in the hospital ICU with Covid and they wanted to amputate his leg. That could easily be me if I got Covid. So I asked him to put on a mask and he flipped out, started screaming at me that he will not wear a mask ever, and stormed off the job.
So now I’m afraid to have anyone come inside to help me.
I used to be very spiritual and prayed everyday day and night. I lost my faith after my mom and brother died and I suffered the worst abuse from my other 2 brothers. It was like never before. They didn’t want to deal with paying to take care of his remains. They told me to cremate him and bury him in the backyard of his house.
We all went to Catholic private schools and I wanted him to have a traditional Catholic service like he wanted. They argued with me and finally I just did it the Catholic way but nobody came to the funeral but 3 people. I’m still trying to get home to have his cremains buried in our family plot at the Catholic cemetery.
I had tried so hard to be a good Christian and follow and trust in God but my personal family issues and all the drama surrounding the loss of my brother made me wonder why God is allowing this to happen when I am just trying to follow my faith.

[polestar]

Hi Julianastar – yes, I know what you mean. I found out the hard way that family and organized religion are often not God like at all. I have a story to tell that I heard once – it’s like a parable I think : There was this janitor of a church in the deep South when segregation was still an issue. In any case the janitor wanted to go into the church to pray and listen to the sermon and the minister promised him that he could soon, but the minister got so much flack from the congregation that he had to go back on his promise and not let the janitor in the church. So the janitor prayed and cried to God about how sad he was about the situation and how he didn’t understand. Then Jesus appeared to him and said, ” don’t feel bad, I’ve been trying to get into that church for years too and I can’t get in either !” Anyway, I say, keep trying to find help from a source other than medicare etc. Perhaps get in touch with Dr Les Carter – he has a site and a You Tube channel and is affiliated with an online counseling group and they or he may understand and be willing to help. I’m sure Les has a contact page and you can explain your situation etc. Blessings and light to you.

[julianastar]

Thankyou Polestar and Jan 7th.

I loved the parable!! LOL!!

Unfortunately Jan 7th I am on SSD and food stamps too. I barely have enough food to get through the month. Mortgage, utilities, wifi, phone, etc. I have a roomate but it’s still hard. Paper products, feminine stuff, soap, etc. I have $24.00 in the bank and my food stamps were gone with my 1st Walmart pickup order.
I have looked for holistic Drs but none take my insurance.
I will check out the adrenal fatigue and other videos. Thankyou so much to both of you.

[Jan7]

Hello juliana star,

Sending you HUGE HUGE hugs!! 💜💙💜

I am so proud of you for asking for help!! This is a huge step in your healing.

Like most victims of abuse I too had a “stress breakdown” when finally escaping my ex a sociopath. Lucky for me a friend gave me a doctor’s name who dignosed me with “Adrenal fatigue” . I was also serverly vitamin & mineral deficient in many including D, B12 iron etc

Our adrenal glands are located on top of our kidneys and they regulate our blood pressure, blood sugar levels, fight/flight/freeze response mode, and regulate over 50 hormones etc etc Stress including trauma can burn out our adrenal glands and when this happens it wreaks havoc on our bodies.

so look into “Adrenal fatigue” videos on you tube and net. Your library will have books on this years ago these were two good sites to find vids/info not sure about now Adrenal fatigue. org and Dr Lee. com (Im sure you can find more).

What did my doctor do for my adrenal fatigue issues? he gave me Dr Wilson’s adrneal fatigue vitamins (which are B complex and other vitamins) which you can order online or find other brands at your health food store to take. ALso my doctor gave me a Rx for Progestrone not from a regular phramacy but a specilized pharmacy. But, i think below will help you our better. My doctor told me to get plenty of rest, relaxation & sleep (the sleep part was hard because I had high levels of cortisol)

Here is some things to look into

Look into the keto diet this is a healing diet that heals the gut (which is our immune system and is where 80% of our health is rooted). This is a healing diet. it’sbeen around for 100+ years. it works

for keto diet see you tube channels:

Dr Berg, Dr eckberg, Dr Boz, Dr mindy pelz, Nutrition with judy and many more

(see their vids on “basics of keto< “keto flu”, “keto elyectolyes” etc)

but, many like myself switched from keto to the Carnivore diet (all meat, egg, dairy diet) to heal and flood the body with much needed vitamins & minerals that heals the whole body & brain quicker

for carnviore diet you tube channels see:

Dr Ken Berry, Dr Caffee, Nutrition with Judy, Dr Mindy Pelz, Kelly hogan (she has a lot of vid testimonies interviews on how carnviore heals), Shawn Baker MD Podcast (same lots of healing testimonies), Steak and butter gal, Dante Carnviore Freedom, Carnviore kipp, Homestead How etc many many people are switching to carnivore. See their vids on “carnviore flu”

GET A VITAMIN & MINERAL DEFICIENCY TEST ASAP INCLUDING D, B12, Ferrition iron test, thyroid T3 & T4, Folate etc (all of these are needed for good healthy if we are deficient we will not have any energy…look each up on you tube channel Dr Bergs & net”

If you dont have insurance you can still get these test direct from online companies like Ultra Lab, Quest diagnostic, and many more without a doctors request.

Find a good Functional or Alternative Medicine doctor (these are licensed doctors that heal the body with diet, herbs, heavy metal detox, parasite cleanse etc VS Rx drugs like a regular doctor will push that never heal the body)

heal your gut by eating RAW sauerkraut which puts good bacteria back into the gut to keep us healthy. see you tube videos on this too:

on yt ch Dr Berg and Candida Eric bakker naturopath (watch all of Eric’s vids)

You can buy RAW sauerkraut (must be raw not pasterized meaning cooked) at Most health food stores in the USA one brand is Wild Brine (look up their site to find a store near you) around $6. just eat a spoonful daily (see Eric bakker vids on this), or Trader JOes $4.50 or Costoc a large Wild Brine is $11). THE LABLE FOR FREMENTED FOODS LIKE SAUERKRAUT SHOULD JUST READ; WATER, SALT AND THE VEGGIE nothing else clean ingredients.

GET YOUR HEALTH BACK and then you can work on the trauma side of things. ❤️

YOUR LIBRARY WILL HAVE BOOKS ON KETO DIET, CARNVIORE DIET, ADRNEAL FATIGUE, AND THE HEALTHY BENIFITS OF FREMENTED FOODS.

Wishing you all the best. Keep asking question, keep venting & keep reading every thing here on this amazing healing site Lovefraud.

Take care. 🌊🐬🌊💙

[emilie18]

julianastar: You said “I am overwhelmed at how much needs to be done that I cannot”. I DO understand – sometimes life is just overwhelming, and looking at “all that has to be done” can make you put your head under the covers. A long time ago I was asked an interview question, “How would you eat an elephant?” My answer, after a bit of thought, was “One bite at a time.” That’s how I get through most days – one bite at a time. I DO make “to do” lists – but I split them up into segments – instead of “clean out the closet” it’s “find some boxes”, then “toss out anything needing mending or ironing (I hate ironing and I KNOW I will never get out a needle and thread!) Then “toss out shoes that hurt” (No one should have sore feet, ever – it makes me grumpy). Then “toss out colors I hate.” (I look awful in orange and yellow)…one task at a time. It might take me a month – but the closet WILL be sorted. However “Clean out the closet” – that’s a HUGE job and waaaaay too much to tackle and I don’t feel like it right now — so it never gets done.

As far as outside help — yes, I understand being afraid of letting strangers in – but there are services that background check and bond and certify cleaners — use them. If something does go missing, you at least can get compensated. If possible, ask for a team to do the cleaning – safety in numbers. I have a housekeeper come in once a week to tackle things I physically can’t do (I have had multiple leg and shoulder surgeries and bending/lifting can be stressful), and while she works, I do one thing on my mini-list.

And church? I love polestar’s story – and it is so very true. My brother in law was a cop and now a pastor – he says it’s the same job, different approach. Churches are full of people who NEED guidance, and some are very, very much in need. Don’t look at church as the people – look at it as a therapy center. Even if you have abandoned God – and, trust me, many of us have grave doubts – that is not the point of prayer. The point is to open your heart and mind to the universe, say things out loud where they become much more real than in your head – and let your self-healing begin. Even if you don’t believe that God is going to save you or give you answers, just the verbalization is going to bring some clarity, or at the least, some mental relief. Running problems in your head is like being on a hamster wheel without an exit.

I know you are hurting and depressed and hopeless right now – but lean on us for support and clarity. We have ALL been where you are in one way or another. I may sound like I have it all together but trust me it took time. A LOT of time. One step at a time. Blessings to you.

[Jan7]

since you live far from town you can access library books on the computer including books on adrenal fatigue, Keto diet and Carnviore diet.

lookup yt ch Homestead how and his interview with Bill Nott from Alaska and look up Bill Nott’s yt ch.

DO NOT GIVE UP…you are stronger then you know. And, we are HERE FOR YOU!! We hear you!! We are here to support you. Keep venting here.

I have been where you are hon (everyone here has been at the bottom of hell) WE HAVE TO DIG OURSELVES OUT…it’s not easy…but you can do it.

When I first left and had my stress breakdown my family did not support or understand the hell that I had just endured or understand that by body was breaking down from all the stress & trauma that I endured in my marraige. I just leaned that I had to crawl out of hell myself with support from stranger here on lovefraud & other support sites from narcissistic abuse.

You are going to survive this. How do I know this? Because you JUST ASKED FOR HELP..this means you want to survive and you also know that there are ways to heal you just asked for help with this.

Look up everything I posted this is your answer to all your prayers!!

keep strong & keep going. One day at a time…some days one minute or one hour at a time. Those diets heal the body & mind…and once your body is properly fueled & working correctly you can heal the trauma side of your healthy journey.

I know you feel lost & hopeless…we have all felt this. But, I Promise you this if you focus on healing your body & mind you will heal the spirit side too. It takes time. Our bodies do not heal overnight but, with a clean diet and a good plan in place YOU WILL HEAL, YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN, YOU WILL LAUGH AGAIN…

Be KIND to YOURSELF during this healing journey!!

Sending you more hugs 💙 take care

[funluvmusic25]

Julianastar, I can understand how everything can be overwhelming right now…….you must be thinking where do I even start? I’m sure all of our suggestions are challenging to sort out, yet one thing is for certain – YOU took the first step of finding this site and reaching out to us! YOU have taken this scary yet courageous step…..be proud of yourself for that! Everyone one here has YOUR best interest in mind from medical tips to sorting out your closet one step at a time. I love emilie18’s suggestions and comical comments -“ no one should wear uncomfortable shoes because they DO make us grumpy:( “ Jan7 has so many good suggestions for healing your body and mind and as polestar mentioned some of us may not need or believe in organized religion, yet there is the power of prayer. We are ALL at your side sending you prayer, positive vibes and support. I hope knowing that we are listening and we hear you brings some sense of peace to you.

One thing that came to mind that I can suggest is contacting your county. Even though you live in a rural area every county should have a social services department or at least could refer you to one. A social worker within the county could break down your needs and start the ball rolling to put you in touch with services that could help you. They have experience dealing with Medicare/Medicaid and any social services you might qualify for- food stamps, medical appointments, transportation, therapy, etc. This could be your first step to receiving the help you need.

Keep plugging away, one step at a time and continue to post. Sending you positive thoughts, prayers and much support.
Blessings to you.

[julianastar]

Thankyou FunLoveMusic25.

I did go to our local community mental health services for years in the 2000’s. I saw one guy that was excellent but he left to pursue another field. After that, I started seeing someone else. Just as we got to know each other and work on stuff, they would leave and I would be assigned to someone else. Than the same thing would happen. And, in order to get any assistance you have to see their Psychiatrist and be prescribed meds. I also did that and I was used as a guinea pig for a pharmaceutical company without my knowledge. The Psych told me she has something new for depression that she felt would help me. I was already on Paxil 20 mg and Effexor 150 mg. My 1st question was “Is it addictive?” She said “Oh no. Not at all”. So I agreed. She kept me supplied with free samples for a year. Every month I would go in to see her, give her updates on everything, get my samples and go to pharmacy for other meds. After a year she told me she could no longer give me free samples. She said that in order to get the meds I would have to go to a sleep clinic and be diagnosed with sleep apnea. I said “I thought they were for depression?” She said “No. They are only FDA approved for narcolepsy and sleep apnea. They are a type of amphetamine”. I said “Are you kidding me? You said they weren’t addictive. You put me on an addictive type of speed?” She got snotty and said “Well they helped you didn’t they? The company was trying to get FDA approval to use it to treat depression but the FDA said No. So, I cannot prescribe it to you anymore.” She gave me an Rx for 1 last month and I called sleep disorder clinic. I had sleep apnea and am still on these things but they only help for a few hours. Than I crash. She got fired and I vowed to never go back. I see a psychiatric LPN for med reviews but the shrink is just allowing her to use his license to work under him. He doesn’t see patients or have an office. Like an invisible partner that does review the patient records.
But she is not a therapist.
Thankyou so much for your support.

[julianastar]

To everyone,
I will have to answer your comments another day. I answered 2 but am getting brain fog.
Thankyou so much for your continued support.
I injured my foot last night and have no idea how. But, I need to rest it and my brain.
Thankyou and I so appreciate all of you. 💖

[polestar]

Hi Julianastar – No need to answer this post, and only read it when you feel up to it. I just wanted to validate you about your experience with the community mental health department. I know about what you said because I worked for one in the past and I found that there was much corruption and one component was due to the tight connection with the programs and the pharmaceutical companies. Having said that, I do not want to undermine or denigrate our society’s important components of family, relationships, organized religions, government programs or any other type of groups. I am just saying, as I am sure you understand, that we just need to go into all these areas of our lives with our eyes open and using our discernment. There is much goodness in the world to be found and once we have gotten wisdom ( often from our own difficulties ) we can find those golden nuggets. Love and Light to you.

[funluvmusic25]

Julianastar- The information you provided is helpful and I can understand your frustration having to deal with a new provider or social worker at every turn of the corner. It is a field that is understaffed and unfortunately the rate of turnover is high.

I’m suggesting these county social services to help get you started on things that are not necessarily medical needs, but to help with other needs and work to get you out of isolation. Help with getting your household in order, help with meal planning, grocery shopping, basic medical appointments, etc. might be a good start. Just accomplishing some of these things would help lift your spirits and mental anxiety and you would not feel so isolated. Hopefully, on your road to recovery you’ll be able to find providers you can trust and work with. Continue to pursue every avenue possible and continue to be an advocate for yourself. Blessings.

[Donna Andersen]

julianastar – Welcome to Lovefraud, and I’m glad you posted. Everyone else gave you great advice. Let me offer something else that might be helpful.

You described how your father and brothers treated you. Please understand that they engaged in typical sociopathic behavior. You might want to read more about sociopaths – there’s plenty of info here on Lovefraud. This will help you. Why? Because by understanding sociopaths, you’ll learn that you are not to blame for the way they treated you. Sociopaths are mean, cruel, and vicious. Nothing you could have ever done would have made them treat you any better.

Furthermore, sociopaths do not have the ability to care. Therefore, they never would have helped you. So again, the fact that they would do nothing for your is not your fault, and no a reflection of your character. That’s how they are.

I hope that this will allow you to release any ideas you may have that you are at fault for how they treated you. They are what they are, and they do not change. If you are carrying any burdens related to their treatment of you, please put them down.

Best wishes
Donna

[Author]

Posts