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After 8 long years 1 child and countless heart ache can you ever be free?
When I met my ex he was charming and sweet not like the usual guys you meet I hadn’t dated before at 24 we met through a now ex friend and from then the last 8 years have been like a horror film.
I was a confident woman I had my own mind but somehow that all slipped away and somehow.
At first when I got messages you don’t call me you don’t text me” I said I work and study but the more he said it followed by but I love you and I think you will leave me…I somehow started to feel like I had to prove to this person my feelings are genuine not for a long time realising that he never proved anything to me.
He told me his mother is an alcoholic that had an affair and left him that the girl he was with years ago got pregnant by someone else that’s why he had the fear and he loved me so much after 2 months now I realise that wasn’t love it was wanting control over me my thoughts feelings getting me to feel bad for him if I knew what he had in store for me I would of not felt any pity.
He wanted me to have his baby training to be a teacher I said no I haven’t done what I want I do not have everything a child needs like own home it’s not fair to bring a child into the world to struggle, he said I don’t love him I will leave him I wish to god I did..he did get me pregnant then told me to have an abortion I would not he caused stress throughout pregnancy making me be intamte with 9 weeks to go my waters broke and I had my child early, pure hell on Earth had just begun he wasn’t there at the birth he would say things like oh you didn’t want to be with me anyway you wanted it like this, my rebuff would be no woman dreams to have their child with someone like him and to end up a single parent especially waiting for the one that was not what I had waited for!
He would be so cruel speak badly about my character then he would be so sorry he would come back hug me like he never wanted to let me go I would get sucked in and as time went by the times where mostly bad he was gone but not gone still saying disgusting things to me about me on the one hand then claiming to love me and telling me it was my fault even after attacking me I still protected him until he did it in front of my child threatening to take her away for ever, you think police the law is there to help but it didn’t it seems to enable abusers it lets them know their behaviour is ok because they do nothing and you have to fight because they feel like you should go away they look down on you they treat you like how your abuser has told you you are nothing…after that he came back sorry blah blah same old of course hurt me again he said they did nothing before they will never do anything and he was right after years of trying to cope with him on my own I finally decided I will not let his vile words they way he made me feel define me I got a job and could afford to get everything he didn’t want to for our child over the years but he still wasn’t gone it’s so hard to ignore someone being so cruel using their child but I tried after not replying to anything he has now got the right to take me to court to see a child he has never shown any love or care for and he is allowed because apparently he has the right my child doesn’t but he does also apparently a parent can continually let their child down disappear as long as they come back at a point and say they want to know their child they are allowed and the parent dealing with the fall out child’s sleepless nights and upset can do absolutely nothing I do not understand how this can be I thought the legal system would have changed by now but it hasn’t the abuser still has all the rights and it hurts and kills to know they can keep hurting your child you love so much and try to protect…I feel like I will never be free of him he has said he will never let me go and I don’t think he ever will he only wants to spout about our child when I don’t give in if I met him had sex with him pandered to him and submitted he wouldn’t careless or as anything of our child.
With his flying monkey family enabling him and actually helping encouraging him to be cruel to us I don’t know if that is because he is Muslim all though he wasn’t when he wanted me pregnant unmarried and I am Christian so is my child or if they are simply a family that are disturbed I truly do not know they have called my child a slut and other vile things how can that be ok? -
melabella – I am so sorry for all that you are enduring. Unfortunately, what you describe is common for sociopaths. I recommend that you educate yourself about the disorder – we have lots of info here on Lovefraud. You will see that all he wants is power and control over you, and he is using the child to obtain it.
If you aren’t doing it already, start documenting everything that happens. I don’t know if you have a formal court order. But if you need to go to court in the future, you want to be able to prove everything that happened. So write it all down and save every relevant piece of paper.
You’ll either need to fight him for custody, or learn how to deal with him. The first step is to educate yourself. Lovefraud is a good start.
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Hi Mellabella –
I am so very very sorry about all that you have had to endure. I understand that you love your child so much and must face this horrible abuser and his family for your child’s sake. It sounds like you have educated yourself to some degree about psychopaths and psychological abuse. The way through this difficult time in your life is through more education about this matter. It will give you support and validation. Following what Donna has posted to you is such good advise. Not only will it be protective but will keep your mind positive and clear and give you a positive strategy to move forward. Keep reading and learning, so that the psychopath will have less and less power over your mind. If you keep your mind free, in due time the outer circumstances in your life will get sorted out for the best. Keep yourself in the light. Read and watch all that is offered here at Love Fraud, and you will receive much needed support.
Blessings to you. -
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Hi mellabella –
So typical about your ex playing the poverty hand. Yes, you’d think that the court and judges would be able to see through that by now – because so many people do that kind of thing all the time. There is a book called
‘ Exposing financial abuse, when money is a weapon ‘ by Shannon Thomas , and some of the stories she relates in it sound very much like what you are going through. You might want to read it because you would gain needed validation for your situation – no one around you is giving you the respect or the validation that you need to cope, so it might be helpful that way. I do notice that you are very intelligent and are able to see through the ( disgusting ) games that they are playing. You are more vulnerable to them because of your child, but realize that being a loving and protective mother also makes you more fierce, like a mother tiger. No matter how they try to brain wash you otherwise, or whatever slander etc – remember that you are a force in your own right. I can see that you have been educating yourself about the truth of the abusive situation – keep it up, because it will also empower you.
Blessings -
mellabella- Tina Swithin in One Mom’s Battle facebook talks about dealing with custody issues with a narcissist. This may be helpful.
SG
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Hi mellabella –
Yes, so often there is no real justice in the justice system. For one thing, it is true that money has a lot to do with the system because to get a top rate lawyer who has the skill and the connections ( yes – there is an “ old boys club “ involved ), one needs the money to afford that. So, the wealthy do end up having their rights protected and defended. On the other hand, lawyers have to give away a certain amount of “ pro bono “ hours ( which means for free. ). So if you look for a really expensive lawyer who is very intelligent, they almost always at least give a certain amount of free first consultation. Even if they have no more pro bono hours left ( you could ask their secretary if they do ), you would be amazed at the amount of good advise they can and are willing to give. They might give you a direction that you never considered before. Anyway, keep up doing the very best you can. Don’t underestimate the power you have within yourself and the strength you have to deal effectively what you are faced with. I know how difficult some situations can be, yet in your case, you have your precious child who I am sure brings love and joy that you can share. Do all you can for that preciousness.
Blessings to you.
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