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I am in a relationship with a person I have known for over 20 years but been together for 4.
He is in debt doesn’t work, pays for nothing and generally not interested in whether he hurts my feelings, or what he says. Before I was with him he was lovely to me.
I don’t want to explain all as I am really nervous but I feel like I am going mad.
If I try to talk I get the silent treatment and he knows I hate this.
I don’t know what to do.
He says I just whinge. I don’t I have brought up how I feel a handful of times, that’s all. I always give in because I can’t stand the silence but it just doesn’t bother him. I feel so lonely. We used to talk all the time.
I though he had a narc personality but not sure if it is more depression although he seems nice to everyone else but me. If I get upset he loses patience with me.
As far as I know he isn’t cheating whenever I am at home so is he and he is never fussed about me going out so thins doesn’t fit then narc personality either.
He’s only aggressive when I approach him during a silent treatment
We hardly ever go to bed together he seems uninterested.
I am independent but hate how I feel maybe I am just clinging to the person I thought he was, the one I see I don’t like very much.
Please tell me what you think I feel as though I am going mad.
I wrote a status once because I had no-one to talk to, it wasn’t nasty or about him but he took it that it was. I know its stupid. I have so many red flags -
Hi Ellie – definitely some red flags – the biggest being the confusion you’re feeling. I’m going to offer the opinion that what you’re dealing with is not normal. From my experience with a sociopathic partner, I understand that there’s a pervasive and undeniable sense of bleakness and doom which they eventually exude. I rationalised that mine was suffering with depression too for a while, so I can relate to your desperate attempt to humanise him.
The fact that’s he selective in targeting you with his moods is an indicator of manipulation. These people narrow the scope of your emotions by controlling your reactions in provoking them and then punishing you for feeling and expressing them. It’s about power and control, the antithesis of love.
Aggression is never OK. It sounds like you’ve become conditioned by him to accept it and beyond that, to blame yourself for it, or to live with the illusion that you can somehow avoid or prevent it. You can’t. In fact, the more abuse you accept, the bigger the monster grows. It will get worse, not better. Unfortunately, there is no reset button or reverse function with these relationships. Your survival requires you to take care of yourself! My advice is to gather your wits and leave him as soon as possible. Don’t look back.
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Confused – what you are describing is typical sociopathic behavior. First he hooked you and reeled you in by treating you lovingly. Now that he has caught you, there is no point (from his perspective) in being nice to you. He is exploiting you, and the silent treatment is a manipulation tactic.
What you are seeing now is his true personality – the lovely treatment was an act. He will never change. The sooner you get rid of this guy, the better.
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If someone is making you feel like you are going crazy/mad that person is not good for you. He is harming you. Consider ending contact with him. It can be very difficult because you are bonded to the good person he should be; but you will feel better and recover sooner and better if you don’t interact with him. You can save your wonderful self and all the good things you have to offer in a relationship for a good man who deserves and appreciates you.
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The confusion you are feeling is a tell tale sign you are with a disordered person. I used to feel as if I were at the funhouse at the amusement park. The floor was always moving. I never knew if he loved me or if he didn’t love me. His actions said “NO” I don’t love you- but his words said “Yes” I do love you (especially when he wanted sex). It was incredibly confusing.
The double messages kept me emotionally off balance enough to continue in a relationship with him- and even marry him. If his actions are not matching his words- please step back and take another look.
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