Confused relationship

[honest7726]

I got out of a 13 year relationship with a nassistic man. I did not realise that until I read stuff up on people and figured out he was nassistic.

After I left him I met someone else and shortly figured out that he was not right for me as he was always money revolved and came only for his business.

I am now in another relationship and he knows about my past and shows that he is caring but whenever he gets a chance he always tells me about his money issues. He knows issues of my past and seems to say that marriage is a soloution. Someething does not feel right with him but its confusing.I keep cutting of with him but somehow he gets me stuck agian.

I read up about love bombing and I feel he did that alot in the start to kinda get me addicted to talking to him and to him as a person.

I was reading its important to have space and time after dealing with nassistic people. I am confused if this is normal in a relationship or am I getting or attracted to the wrong sort of people.

Please help clear my mind…

[Freeofnarc]

You keep meeting bad guys because you need to heal from the original relationship. They are excellent at finding victims. You aren’t ready to date anyone until you do some healing. This site is a wonderful resource. Do not have any more contact with any of them. They are all abusers and exploiters.

[honest7726]

How can you tell that they are abusers and exploiters. I just need to understand and highlight some signs in my mind.

I keep going on in my mind that maybe he does love me but in a bad situation. But then what does not make sense is that he knows I am delicate in my mindset at the moment and he kinda find points to mention his need for money.
He also made a joke that you can leave me now and somehow managed to bring it in the conversation. In the beginning I was sure it was love and when I slept with him unplanned I thought I was pregnant and he said don’t worry I will marry you we have a strong bond now. I felt like he was trying to trap me as he tried to get me pregnant.
I feel like he planned everything and in the start he was always texting and calling and making me feel all love up. They were other guys too that were Intersted and have my number and don’t messege me, they give me space. Its werid they seem decent and my mind does not think of them.

I feel like my mind is a mess and I always feel like I need someone so hence I moved from one relationship to another without realising.

Please comment on what I mentioned to clear my mind.

Thank you for your support

[Freeofnarc]

All of the things you said are clues. He brings up money because that is his end game….to get money from you. If he was a decent person he would never bring that up. He’s showing you a glimpse of what he truly is. It’s easy to see the pattern here. You have not healed from the 13 year relationship and that is used against you by these guys. They can give you anything you want….until you end up with nothing and your mind is a mess. You cannot date. I know that’s the last thing you want to hear. You need to heal and make yourself happy. Or you will just keep meeting these individuals. If someone asks you out say no. You are no where near ready. I’m in the same spot as you…no where near ready to date because of the trauma of my sociopathic ex. Would I want a partner? That’s all I want. But I have to do the work to get there. Do you feel you need a man to make you happy or to be complete? I’m 100% right there and that needs fixed before I can even start dating. I don’t want another sociopath but that’s what I’ll get if I start dating right now.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Freeofnarc.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Freeofnarc. Reason: Misspellings

[honest7726]

Thank you for your sincere advice. It means alot to me honestly.

I can understand what you mean about the pattern. Keeping asking about money and trying to show me a soloution is marriage. Which in my heart does not feel right.

How do I heal from my 13 year relationship I faced so much trauma. But now I am alone I feel werid, I think that is because these people try to get you addicted to them if I am not wrong.

[Freeofnarc]

You have to have no contact first. You have to face the pain and feel it. That’s how you heal. It takes time. Yes you are addicted to them but you can break it. I wish you the best of luck!

[Donna Andersen]

honest7726 – As Angel said, the solution is in your own healing. You have many wounds from your previous involvements, and the energy of these wounds is what continues to attract exploiters. When you work on your own recovery, the energy dissipates, and therefore the exploiters are not attracted to you.

We have lots of information here on Lovefraud about how to do this. You may also want to look at our recovery courses. They explain in depth what you can do.

[polestar]

Hi Honest –
There are so many stories that you can read about here on Love Fraud and all over, about the nightmares people have had with sociopaths ( and the whole array of those with character disorders ). Thank your lucky stars that you are in a place where you are not married to one of them, and especially don’t have a child with one of them. I have read so many stories here at this forum, that just break my heart. Luckily you are at a crossroads in your life where you do have a choice. Either you can go forward without enough healing from your past and not enough knowledge in your present, and go forward with a huge risk of perhaps getting in a situation where you end up with someone who would be able to manipulate your mind and twist you psychologically to the extent that your are trauma bonded and mind controlled as well as perhaps physically abused or controlled beyond your ability to extract yourself …… OR ….. you can choose to take the time for your personal healing, and to take the time ( and it does take time ) to really educate yourself about who these predators are and all the signs to look for – so that you are well protected and so that you are not prey. My advise is the latter. It does take will power because the first step the predators all use is ” love bombing “, and it just answers a longing in our heart for true love…. until, when the mask is taken off, and all the pain that ensues. So on a practical level, my advise is to tell the guy you are currently dating, that you have realized that you need to take a break from relationships because of your past, in which you need the time and space to sort it all out, and that you need this decision to be respected. In the meantime, you cannot do it all alone, so keep in contact with this forum, and respond to others too, because when we all help each other then our strength is multiplied. Plus get books and really get into knowing the information that has been coming out in so many ways, that was not known previously. You will get more and more clarity and be the strong and wise woman you were meant to be.
blessings to you.

[honest7726]

Thank you all so much. You all ate a blessing for me as it has been made clear to me that I need space and time for myself.

I was in a 13 year marriage with a phycopath and I have have 1 child from him too. Luckily he is not around after I realised his true colours and with my families support I manged to get a divorce. Its during these 3 years of separation that I keep running into these needy guys.

I have read stuff up on healing from a phycopath and recently made myself aware of these types of people. I thought I was healed and ready to move forward but clearly I am not and these inner feelings inside my heart keep pulling me back. I promised myself to always listen to these feelings inside my heart and to always speak my mind. This latest guy I met is very smart he knows how to play and sweet talk and I have just realised that he is not right for me.

I was previously controlled and manipulated in my 13 year marriage so I look out for these signs. But this last guy knows about relationship so he plays it smart.

I need to go no contact and feel the pain to heal. Thank you to angel on this forum to point this out to me. I will carry on communicating with people on this forum I am also read this book called healing from a phycopath and it was really good.

Please suggest any books I could read. I feel like I am in tune with myself but keep falling in hands if bad men.
I am so glad that I can express myself openly here.

Thank you all for your support.

[polestar]

Hi Honest –
Wow ! You are amazing!!! What has been really helpful to me is watching You Tubes about this issue we are facing. I always watch Donna Anderson’s that she has once a week, and then there is Doctor Carter who has many that I watch almost daily. It is so easy to forget what these horrible people are like because it is not where we are coming from at all – so it helps to be reminded. Laura Charanza is like an associate of Doctor Carter’s and I like watching her You tube’s too. Dr Carter has been a therapist for many years helping people to get out of these types of unhealthy dynamics and has written quite a few books. He is retired now and through his kindness, still creates these amazing You Tubes. Laura is a person who he helped and now she helps others, so her stories are quite personal because she lived through the ordeal and came out all the stronger for it. All of these are so supportive and bring much self empowerment.
Keep up the good work you’re doing !!!!
Blessings

[honest7726]

It’s been a difficult journey. Thanks to you all I have direction.

I have decided I will take some space and time out from all dating to give myself time to heal.

Thank you for tge excellent resources I will definitely look into them. Please post if any other recommendations of books etc come to mind.

PS. I will be posting about my journey

[jackoutofthebox]

Hi Honest,

Nice to meet you, sorry we are meeting under such circumstances.

You wrote: “Something does not feel right with him but its confusing.”

Trust your gut and what it is telling you. I know it is hard, after all you have been through with your ex, but that feeling is there for a reason. It may sometimes get cloudy because you want to believe he has good intentions, or he is a kind person.

I WISH I had listened to that voice. I didn’t, and now I’m in a very badly situation myself.

Above everything, be true to yourself and what you feel. Trust that your inner self is telling you things that you need to listen to and understand. Maybe write out a list of all of his strange behaviors and decide if these are things you could live with. Watch YouTube and read books about people with personality disorders. Look for the things on that list in what you read and watch.

[honest7726]

Hi Jackoutofthebox,
I am sorry we had to meet in this way too. I am things are in the recovery process with you too. Its a pleasure to meet you and share ideas as these are weird situations that we are in at the moment…

Thank you for thst advise, I feel thst too. In my 14 year marriage with my x husband I ignored those gut feelings. But after I took a step back I promised myself never to ignore that guy feeling. I feel like I am on the recovery road and I am in tune with my inner self.

But as I explained and everyone who replied helped me see clarity that I need to give myself time to heal. That is why I am getting into these needy relationships. I mean may be alot of these I security I am feeling with this guy is wrong. But I need to give myself a break. If this guy is right for me I belive he will find a place in my heart and we will be together.

But now I have cut him off I feel at peace. I don’t feel like this extra tension on my head. I belive if this was true love as I thought it might have been I would not feel tensed and uneasy. This was the biggest thing that was bugging me. The one thing I still can’t get over is he knew the exact words to say to catch my heart. Yet some of his behaviour used to show me he does not really know me and everything is a drama.

The other werid thing is that he used to he can’t reply to messeges when I asked him things directly he used to reply by saying don’t argue. But was always adiment to talk to me on the phone its like he has control over me when he talks to me and when I hear his voice.

I need space and need to read books heal and educate myself.

Thank you for replying.

[polestar]

This post is for both Honest and Jackoutofthebox –
I have a book that i wanted to recommend to both of you. It has changed my life ! It is not specifically about narcissism or character disorders – but …. what it does give is light and clarity about specific issues that people face when dealing with problem partners. In my own life, I have navigated relationships around ” being in love “, and other than that, actually ” being in the dark ” ! By reading this book, you can actually see all the components that people face in relationships, and the exact things or strategies that the other uses in which we have a gut feeling is off, but that we can’t quite put our finger on. But with her book, she makes it possible to see specifics. It is very good to go with our gut instincts – very important indeed to save us from so may dangers. At the same time, it is so satisfying to have our gut feeling explained so we understand what’s going on – that’s the best way that I can describe the treasure she gives in this book.
Blessings

[polestar]

Ooops _ The book is called ” Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay ” by Mira Kirshenbaum

[jackoutofthebox]

Thank you Polestar!

I will certainly take a look at this book. It sounds like a good read.

I do recognize that I have my own issues which need addressing but I also want to better understand who this person really is, what they are doing and why I am with them in the first place. Another book that I’ve been recommended but haven’t read yet is “The Gift of Fear.” I’m looking forward to figuring all this out and maybe one day having a healthy relationship with someone.

Thanks again!

[honest7726]

Hi all,

I am really emotional and really feel like I need to contwct him again. It’s so hard he said all teh right words to me but I know his actions never followed his words.
I think I truly did love him and now I am heart broken and miss him. But I don’t think I miss him I just miss the face that I need somone I know that much.

But if he really cared he would have sent me a message or called. Maybe becuase this time I refused the to give him money despite his sweet ways of talking to me. Last time he told me he would not be able to live without me. See what I mean his actions and words just don’t add up then why not be hoenst I keep telling him that. But he chooses this way.

It has left me in a state where I miss him and I am upset.

Any comments or support will be appreciated. 😭😭😭😭

[Freeofnarc]

Honest – please do not contact him. Even if he did reach out, his end game is your money. You absolutely did love him. You are allowed to feel that. Your feelings are real. He cannot love. That will never change. Words mean nothing. Actions count. And his actions aren’t what you want. He “can’t live without you” because he can’t take a chance at losing your money. So he can’t live without your money. That’s what he is after but to get it, he has to seduce you. If you contact him then you have to start your recovery all over again. I know it’s the hardest thing in the world. So feel the pain and emotion to start the healing. We all want what is best for you here. Delaying your recovery will keep you from meeting the right man.

[honest7726]

Thank you so much Angel. You are all are a blessing to speak to on this forum.

It’s true his end goal is my money and he was only trying to find ways to seduce me. 🙁 it is so clear what his intentions were I need to get strong and divert my mind.

I just have to count my financal looses and move on….

This is day 3 for me without contact and I am sure it will become easier.

It’s true I need to feel the pain to recover… You are so right in everything you said.

Thanks a million angel ♥️

[Freeofnarc]

Honest- absolutely! We are all here to help you. Everyone’s journey is different. You have really good days and really bad ones. You’ll think you are healed but something triggers you. It doesn’t get easier for a while unfortunately but it’s what you have to do for yourself. You deserve to be happy and you deserve a true love 💕

[honest7726]

Thank you dear angel,

Your words have given me strength and motivation. I will keep myself busy reading and focusing on my healing.

I actually feel that I need to recover from this relationship and my x husband for 13 years. I just have to feel the pain and accept what has happened.

Thank you all here for your support on this excellent forum.

[Freeofnarc]

Of course! Keeping busy is the key. We are here to help each other so reach out when you are having a hard time!

[polestar]

Hi Honest – I live quite far from access to the internet, so I just now have read your latest posts since I wrote mine. Anyway, The deal is that when we make a choice, which life puts to us in many ways – yours being the choice to take time to heal and learn more about sociopaths etc. Well, that means that you also inadvertently have to make the corollary choice to stop the relationship you were in. I think thats the part that gets to us- we think we have made a good choice, and we have – but there is always the opposite of what we need to sacrifice. This might be a dumb comparison, but it is just off the top of my head – lets say we decide to eat really healthy food, and are busy buying the right veges etc, and taking the time to make healthy smoothies and our pants now feel so comfortable not being too tight, and we feel like we look great !!! But… sometimes those potato chips just call and we want to be a couch potato and not to make the effort of food prep and want to just watch the tube. It is a sacrifice not to indulge in that way. The difference of course is that if we do the couch potato thing, we can just get up the next day and get back to our good habits. But in regards to relationships, if we get weak in our resolve (after we have already made a decisive split) – because when we realize we have made a mistake, we can’t then just make a break with them again. We can – but then we loose the moral high ground, and our self esteem goes down and we run into all kinds of psychological problems, as well as it would be much harder to make the break a second time. So you made a clean cut with this guy, and of course you will be feeling a loss, and you will need to go through the stages of grief. Yet that is better than contacting him because he did not take the trouble of contacting you, so you will be in effect groveling – and that is not good for you and would give him so much power over you. I’m sorry that you are going through sadness, but do watch those You Tubes that I recommended which will bring solace and confidence to you. Think of this as a road, and the more time that passes, the further away you have gone in your ability to put it behind you and the better and better you will feel.
Blessings

[honest7726]

Thank you polestar for the advice, it’s a blessing to be connected to you as you gave me clarity.

I need to be strong and keep no contact and keep busy. Yes those YouTube videos help so much too.

I am also reading books too so I can understand what is going on with me. Thank you once again. Stay blessed ♥️

[polestar]

Hi again – I was reading over your initial post about this most recent guy, and you mentioned that he was always telling you about his money issues – which I translate as his having problems regarding money. Mira Kirshenbaum has another book that is called ” Why Couples Fight “, and it is an amazing study about what actually goes on once a relationship is established after the beginning stages. And the significant part that power plays ( she also explains how to deal with this issue ). But the reason I am bringing it up is that a very important aspect in the power dynamic is about money. I am sure that you ran into this in your 13 year relationship. So when this guy had been talking about his issue with money, that in itself is a huge red flag. We don’t usually think about alot the many dynamics that go into a relationship that will potentially become long term, in the beginning stage ( courting or love bombing ), but it is wise to keep that in mind. We don’t like the thought of money or power to enter into our happy new love nest – but eventually power ( and money ) will rear its head. Anyway, I’m so glad that you are taking all the steps to create a happy and satisfying life for yourself.
Blessings

[honest7726]

Hey polestar,

Thank you for your reply I really appreciate it. I will look into the resource that you recommended.

Yes you are right that 13 year relationship I worked and he did not I was the finance and be abused in whatever way possible. I was crushed until I could not understand what my son needed from me when he was crying one morning. That is when it hit me that I need to leave him.

I had to work on my son too as he was really distubed watching me get abused and he copied alot of the behavior from his father. I had to read up books on emotional intelligence and comfort him alot and work on myself alot.

I have given myself space and retuned with my innerself and figured out what I liked and disliked. These needy men come along the way and show me they care and get me wrapped aroudn them. But I have realised I need to give myself time.

I also need to figure out when I have actually healed and when I am ready to move on. For sure I need a good partner for myself and my son. This guy who was in my life has a son the same age as mine and kept telling me me we have a connection etc and slowly but surly I realised he gets his needs from me and when I need him and tell him how I need him its not there.

It’s the lies and hiding that really got to me. If you love someone like the way you say you do then why lie and hide stuff for sure you would do everything to fulfill them especially when is share with him what terrible past I had.

Now I feel like he listened to my past and tried to cover or pretend to fulfil those needs that were missing. Its like be planned but if you are not real then your true colours come out.

I could write so much more its like my inside is full. I do write in a book alot it helps.

Thank you for your support polestar I really appreciate the resources too.
Lots of blessings sent your way 💕

[polestar]

Hi Honest – It sounds like you are working hard to process important psychological issues that you have gone through. That is a huge part of healing. I have realized some things going through my own process which I wanted to share with you. The first is that we definitely need help and cannot get all this figured out by ourselves. The fact that you came here to Love Fraud shows that you have a healthy underlying self. Plus you have already accomplished much in your personal education of these issues. I want to really acknowledge that. The second realization I wanted to share is about the time it takes for healing. I have found that denial works so effectively that much of the abuse and problems from others that have confronted us, we just do not quite register because our own brain hides the horror because of the overwhelming pain. That is why we need to take some time away for ourselves. Our own inner selves it seems has a mind of its own and will only come forth when it feels safe to do so and when it knows we can handle stuff. I know that by treating myself as kindly as possible and gaining knowledge, then my heart starts really ” talking ” to me, and the understanding of what actually happened then allows us to actually heal. So the thing is, that we need to provide ourselves with safety first. Then you will be ready and able to have a happy relationship because your heart will be at peace.
Blessings

[honest7726]

Hey polestar,

Thank you for your support. It means alot and yes you are right I need to come into terms fully with what has happened with me.

I have come our and realised alot about my 13 year relationship. But fell into hands of 2 very similar people who were after money and came to me for their own needs. They need alot of love bombing and kept redoing this and thought it was a way they can get me hooked again. I am thankfuk to God that I believed my inner feeling and saw this reality within 10 months of being with the and decided I need to cut ties with them.
It has been difficult as you get attached and my mind wants to belive they were good for me and they were true love but when I see their actions its all false and lies and drama. The funny thing is that these men try to make me feel that their is something wrong with me when they are the ones who cannot be honest and truthful. This is where I caught them and obviously nothing can fight against the truth… So they jsut go quite.

I am battling with myself to be hoenst as they make you feel addicted to them and the quicker you disconnect the better.

I feel that I need to feel the pain of these hurtful relationships and be wieser and learn from these mistakes.
I also realise that I need to give myself alot of space and not communicate with any men that potentially want a relationship with me.

I know this is wrong but I am feeling anti man at the moment. I feel tired and drained and feel like I don’t have the energy to try again with anyone. I know this is a phase and it will pass.

I tried to go to counselling sessions but it did not really help. I am the sort of person that needs to know and understand what is happening to me. I find connecting with people on this forum and educating myself more beneficial than anything else.

Thank you all for your support and keep posting all this good stuff.

Blessings sent your way 💕

[polestar]

Hi Honest –
My suggestion is not to think about a future relationship – as you have also mentioned that this is your plan- but what I want to add, is that you should not be concerned or worried about fulfilling that desire for a relationship because, I assure you that any time you should want a relationship whether or not you are ready for one, you can have one. Easily accomplished ! The trick is to find someone who is a very good match for you. And if you are in a troubled state of mind from all the prior difficulties, even if prince charming showed up on his white horse on your front lawn – you would not be ready to recognize him or to hop on his horse ! So just take a break as you mentioned you are doing. Aside from doing your healing, find things that really interest you to develop – when we get so caught up in drama, we tend to loose our own self and our own path. But there are things for you to discover about yourself that you don’t even know. There are all kinds of communities you can find on line who share similar interests. For example, you ( lets just say ), might see doodling books on Amazon. I think there is a book called Zen doodle or something like that. I am not suggesting that you get into Zen doodling ! But the point is that you might suddenly see or get inspired about doing something you never even thought of before. Or like joining a hiking group or … there are so many options. Just something that brings a spark of joy to you. This is one method of finding yourself and learning and discovering more about yourself. Plus you can find joys and make friends and a whole world can open for you. When you are full and happy, that is the best time to meet someone. Thanks for reading my posts. I enjoy sharing!
Blessings

[sarrtakyar]

I like the comment above and I totally agree with it. This kind of thing really works. It seems that very simple things, they will not help anything, but I know from personal experience that this can be a way out of a crisis situation. Developing and raising the level of self-awareness is the best we can do for ourselves.
Consulting Manager, Sarrt Akyar, staff monitoring

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