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I miss my ex terribly, but when I think about it logically I know how bad she is for me. She discarded me with painful indifference – essentially slamming the door in my face and refusing to talk – and my guess is she’s seeing or talking to someone new.
It’s been about a month and a half since this happened. I have recurring dreams about her. In some dreams she’s dating someone new, in other dreams she’s trying to get back together with me. I wake up feeling so much pain sometimes I can barely stand it. If I wake up in the middle of the night it’s hard for me to go back to sleep.
Anyone else experience this? I’m trying to be strong but I miss her so much. It’s a really confusing feeling to miss someone who’s so bad for you.
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allison123 – it sounds to me like your body and psyche are processing the emotional pain of your experience. I recommend that you continue working on your self-healing during your waking hours. EFT tapping may help – we have a webinar on it. Eleanor Cowan said she uses EFT tapping to help her sleep and it works.
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continue with healing.
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allison123,
YES, yes, yes….this is very normal, though extremely difficult to go through. I had SO many dreams. Some good, some very scary. All of them disrupted by sleep.
I think there is much to process with the end of these types of relationships- especially when we ALSO wake up to the fact of people with personality disorders. The betrayal of our love, and the revelation of their incapacity, is too much for us to process on a conscious level. So our subconscious helps us along at night.
It makes for VERY interrupted sleep though, doesn’t it? And it is exhausting and frustrating, when all you really want is to get AWAY from the pain and yearning. But I found there was no getting away, only GOING THROUGH.
I felt angry that even my sleep was being taken from me. I honestly felt like I got ZERO respite from my feelings for quite awhile.
OK. Sounds bad. Is bad. BUT…it will get better. You can heal from this and totally end up in a MUCH better place with yourself. It is a step by step, day by day thing. One foot in front of the other and you walk out of the burning forest and into a new landscape. One you can’t imagine while you’re feeling all the pain.
While you are trudging through this wildfire take care of yourself, BETTER than you EVER have in your whole life. LOVE yourself AS MUCH as you possibly can. Treat yourself like a hurting child. Do anything that is good for you, as much as you can.
For me the terror of this kind of relationship was a huge lesson in caring about me, my life, my future, my present, my hopes and dreams….everything. I never quite understood how little I had actually cared about my own existence, until I went through this healing process.
I am glad you keep coming back to Lovefraud. If you are so inclined, and like to read, start the series of articles by Kathleen Hawk that can be found on this website. I found her approach very helpful, even if I wasn’t yet at that place she was.
Take care, really take care….Slim
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HI Allison,
Thank You for sharing. I am going through the same thing but I was married 25 yrs in August and just filed for divorce finally after thinking about it for 14 yrs. I waited this long primarily for the kids to grow up and wait for the 4th to go to college. It was the most difficult thing I ever had to do because my emotions were all over the place and the confusion after being married to him for 25 yrs was very prevalent. But instead of focusing on my emotions, I tried to focus on the facts of what he did to me ..The emotionally abusive behaviour, the disregard , the disrespect and the ultimate breaking down of my self worth.
Yet , now 3 weeks after I have filed , I found myself reminiscing last night of ” the good times” and missing them terribly and to the point I was smelling his clothes in his closet because I missed him at that point thinking of the good times and when he treated me nicely.
The confusion is still here even though I filed and I am wondering why I am still so torn and wondering if I did the right thing. I am getting depressed and sad about it. I thought that after all of this time I would be relieved and happy that I filed but I am not. I should say that we still live together and he is trying to act like father of the year and man of the year in front of the kids now which lays with my psyche, even though I know its an act. Its really just crazy that I can still be influenced by him and I appear to be the only one suffering still. I hope it gets better soon. I guess it just takes time and we have to keep moving forward -
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keep healing.
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The missing is very difficult to wrap our minds around. I mean, why would we miss someone who is so very cruel and abusive?
There are a few explanations, not the least of which, is how our entire biology gets screwed up when we experience intermittent rewards and punishments from someone. We get elevated levels of hormones and neurotransmitters, that put on on HIGH alert. We get used to this feeling of ‘highness’. We get used to feeling jittery and on edge, always ready for the next battle. We get used to the reward, when the battle doesn’t happen, and we get a tiny bit of ‘love’ or attention, or whatever.
We ALSO get very biologically attached. The hormones ATTACH us to this person, and also effect our emotional responses to them. Negative and insecure attachment is a POWERFUL thing. It makes us CRAVE any scrap of love we can get. It causes our minds turn back to the abuser for relief.
There is the psychological aspect of hurting SO bad that the ONLY thing that seems like it would make that hurt go away is a little bit more of what caused it (think cocaine). But of course this is not helpful, as a little bit more of a personality disordered person will only make your life that much worse, and THEN you have to start over with the whole process of disengaging.
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No contact is the way.
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