controlled by a narcissist

[julez74]

I have been seeing someone for 5 years now and it has been a rollercoaster. About 12 months ago i decided to do some research on his strange behaviours and realised he is narcissistic in so many ways. He had me believing i was the one with the problems for a long time but now im seeing him much clearer. My problem is i cant seem to let go of the hope that we will one day be happy together and that he will be my forever. I do love him and he can be the most loving man one day and not want to talk to me the next and it hurts

[emilie18]

julez – the question you need to ask is: Do I want to live the rest of my life on this roller coaster? What is my sanity worth to me? Truth is – he will not change. But you can. He is only thinking of himself – never you. All of his actions are based on “what can I get out of this?” Your needs and wants don’t even take second place – they are non-existent to him. Nothing you can say or do will ever change his mind-set. It hasn’t over the past 5 years and it won’t in the next 50. It is a very sad reality to let go of your hopes and dreams, to know that your best efforts will never be enough. You will feel heartbreak and pain and sadness for the loss of this dream, I know – but for your own sanity and future happiness, it is time to break this off. Read up on the techniques and advice on this site – the “no contact” rule, especially. Your future is worth more. Embrace it.

[julez74]

thank you both so much for the advice. its weird but i feel kind of peaceful today and i havent heard from him in 2 days since our last argument, which was because i didnt know if i was going to visit him due to the fact we are experiencing flooding here, and i said i would let him know. He didnt even ask how my daughter and i were going which annoyed me too. But i cant expect someone who isnt capable of caring about others to care can i? this is the time where i always fail by contacting him and trying to smooth out the conflict, cos i can usually only go a few days until my anxiety gets the better of me. I dont want to break this time and i feel like i dont even want to talk to him at all anymore

[slimone]

julez,

emilie18 is right. Nothing you can do will impact someone who is narcissistic. They just cannot change.

When I was going through the hell of breaking it off with the narcissist I knew I also felt like I loved him. My friend, who knew him well, asked me if:

1. I wanted to never be considered for the rest of my life?, and
2. Did I want a man who would FOREVER be a 14 year old boy?

Well, the answer was no to both questions. And I am SO HAPPY I stayed away from him, and got a MUCH better partner and life.

I know for a fact he has hurt numerous other women since I left, and completely devastated several of them.

It just isn’t worth it

[Donna Andersen]

julez74 – relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive, and the longing you have experienced is addiction, not love. So I’m glad to hear that you don’t want to talk to him. Stay in that emotional place.

We have lots of articles on Lovefraud about the addiction – type “addicted to a sociopath” into the Google search bar above.

[julez74]

Unfortunately i did break my no contact plan as usual, we have talked and he’s got me back in his corner. I realised today that im feeling suffocated mostly by his controlling behaviours. I tried to explain that to him last night but he didnt seem to understand. everything i said he argued with so i dont think he wants to make any changes. he complains that im not affectionate toward him and i tried to explain that the way he treats me causes me to withdraw from him..he turned it around and said that if i was more affectionate he would treat me better!! I told him it doesnt work that way. as usual im the one to blame.How am i supposed to get away when im so addicted to the idea that one day he will change and it will all work out??

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by julez74.

[Donna Andersen]

julez74 – I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It can take several tries to get away from the person. You can see what happened – you went back to him, and nothing changed. He once again failed to consider your point of view, and blamed you for the problems.

At least you recognize that you are addicted to the idea that he will change. You also see the evidence that it will not happen. This is a classic case of cognitive dissonance – you can’t hold two conflicting beliefs at the same time, so you go with the belief that you want — he will change — and ignore the evidence that he will not.

This is why No Contact is so important. The longer you stay away from him, the more his hold on you will decrease. So please start your No Contact plan again. No Contact means exactly that – No Contact through any means.

Take it a day at a time. This is what all addiction recovery programs recommend. Focus on getting through today. If that’s too hard, focus on getting through the next hour. Then the hour after that. Then the hour after that – until you’ve gotten through the day.

Keep stringing the days together – and eventually the addiction will be broken.

[julez74]

Hi Donna, thank you so much for your words of support and wisdom. Today im back on the wagon and im praying for the strength to not let him suck me back in with his kind words and gestures. I do still love him alot and that is what makes it hard. Ive had to admit that its not working cos ive tried so hard to make it work and feel like i have drained myself in the process. Nothing is ever good enough so i have to make myself good enough now. He has pulled the rug of happiness out from under me so many times that now im too scared to get up off the floor so im going to stay here until i feel strong enough to get up and get on with my life. At least i know God is with me down here anyway so im not alone

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