Cutting my losses to regain my freedom

[donatella]

Hi all,
So much of what I’ve read here is like mine, a case book history of narcissistic abuse. When I was still laboring under the notion that it was all my fault, I wrote the poem below. His reaction: he mocked and scorned my expression of despair. It wasn’t until a psychiatrist told me that I wasn’t depressed, that I was entitled to love and respect, and that I had to kick against the pedestal my husband was on, and advised me to make choices, while simultaneously coming across NPD in Steve Jobs’ biography, that I discovered it wasn’t me.

That was in 2015. It all fell into place, but I could see no way out, so I guess I went into denial, compartmenting my existence. In the autumn of 2016 he threatened divorce, and to ruin me completely. I wasn’t ready for that, yet. He didn’t go through with it, sort of made up, pretending to be nice, but even more controlling than before, to the point where I thought I was going to suffocate: he picked clothes, shoes, bags for me, decided what I should wear to work, came shopping with me, generally treating me like a child.

I have been collecting evidence, making notes, recording abusive conversations (monologues, more like), with a view to using them in court, also reported to the police an incident where he physically abused me. A few months went by without serious incidents apart from the stifling control of every hour or movement, until a few weeks back, when he started being abusive again, mostly verbal, instances of gaslighting. Recorded everything. Went away to a friend for a few days, made up my mind to end this sham of a marriage (I met him in May 2007, married in October, didn’t check him out, I brought a house into the marriage, he only debts). We had just moved into our new house (he hated my old house, that he’d moved into) when he got fired for wanting to hit his superior. We were upto out eyeballs in debt but he didn’t seem to care, it was all a joke to him.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, he’s threatening to take away everything my father (whose inheritance went into paying part of the mortgage) and I have worked for. Needless to say he hasn’t done any work since 2010 and since his unemployment benefit ran out in2012 I have been the sole provider. What bothers me most is that I shall have to pay alimoney under Dutch law, this is where my files come in. Still have to start proceedings but determinedto do so. It’s just that I don’t want to leave the house: I don’t know what damage he’ll do to spite me, or if I can get him out at all. Here’s the poem I wrote in 2013:

Early winter

How to escape from the prison of my thoughts
The memories that bind me to another a different you
The you that loved me you lifted me up together we soared high
Into the sky but like a shooting star I’ m falling falling and you
Are content to watch me fall, cold and distant, a stranger ‘cross the hall

How to escape the torture of looking back on what was and what could, should have been
How not to remember your sweet face rapt in joy over our beautiful love, but like a migrant bird that joy has fled before the cold of an early winter and it looks as if that expression has gone forever… it hates the cold so ….

All I did wrong and all that I’ve harmed you believe me it was never my intention to hurt you -I love you too much – as it appears your intention to strike me with every painful recounting of scars on your soul and like scarified flesh you keep the wounds open, and the scars alive and red, in your mind and mine and you name them one by one, in an unvarying order, like beads on a rosary, this one is for the time ….. and that one is for when….

And no grace or pardon, no mercy for no mercy was bestowed by me on you so now that my tide seems to be turning, and the head wind’ dying down so that I might even make it to the shore if only…..if only this dragnet of past wrongdoings wasn’t holding me back the way it is holding you back from loving me, ever again.

How easy to remember you were always the strong one, the bright sun that shone in my life you lit me up but drew away your light too early and the sparkle you were trying to kindle died down. It must have made you so unhappy to know that no matter what you did you ‘d always draw the short end of the stick with me, never knowing f you were coming or going, like walking on quicksand…

The early winter caught you too, and frosted your face with unhappiness. Your eyes, too, are dead like mine, without warmth or joy, and to hear you laugh brings the tears to my eyes for I love you so much and can’t bear to see you unhappy, and because I know that it is not on account of me you are laughing, somehow I could never joke with you, I’m never funny with you, now why is that? Probably too much in awe of you, shouldn’t be, but there….

And of course I understand because hey where does all this leave you and it ‘s all very well but don ‘t expect me to respect you after you’ve sucked the life out of me and like a black hole drained me of my energy, leaving me worn out and hopeless and forlorn, you say. It’s you that’s crazy, not me, you say. And yes, of course, you are right, you always are…but what I would give for a smile of affection, a soft look in your eye… If only you could forget to be vengeful and angry for the misery years, and were they always misery? It must have been spring, even summer once….

Thank you for your patience, any advice would be most welcome

[Madelaine]

Wow. That is an incredibly moving poem. It expresses the experience so much. You are very talented.

I think the title of your post says it all (cutting your losses). If my experiences are anything to go by, there is no limit to the spite of a sociopath when you leave/deprive them of their narcissistic supply. If your husband is anything like the socipaths I knew, he will go to your friends and tell them a bunch of lies about how awful you are. He will make up ugly lies that he says you said about them. Your friends will leave you and hate you. They will believe him and believe that he is a victim.

He will do what he can to make sure you lose your job. He will contact clients or colleagues and tell them that you are incompetent. If he has access to your work email or letterhead he will forge documents to make you look like a thief at work. He will pretend to be a client and put in false complaints about. His aim is to ensure you lose your job and you are so discredited that you will not be able to get another one.

Yes, he has probably already started to take legal action to get your house and your money. I don’t know what Dutch law is, but the minute he thought you were seeing from him, he would have changed any paperwork he could (eg electricity bills) to his name. This is so that he could make a “legitimate” legal claim for half the house. If you are able to get a lien on the house (or whatever legal document you have to stop him selling the house without you knowing it) do this. Make sure all bank acounts are in your name only. Do this today. See a lawyer straight away. Go back to the police and get a restraining order. You already have put in a police report of physical violence.

If you fear that he will become violent again, put in another report (a genuinue threat of violence that you fear is probably sufficient for a restraining order. Then use the restraining order to get him removed from the house. Change the locks. If possible get a friend to stay with you for a few months if you are afraid to stay alone. Do not let him in after the police have escorted him out of the house. Pack his belongings up and tell him if he does not collect the stuff in one week you will have it thrown away.

Go no contact. He is never allowed in your house again. Do not answer his phone calls, emails etc. There are things you have to do to ensure he can’t stalk you via Facebook. I think it involves deleting all his posts and then blocking him because simply blocking him won’t stop him being able to see what you are positing. Google instructions on how to do this.

You are “lucky” that there was physical violence and a police report. This will be very helpful to you. The police are used to evicting people from a home for being violent. The main thing is that you get all the paperwork in your name. If the house is in joint names you will have to get a lawyer to ensure that he is not able to sell it.

Also, if you have to pay alimony, (which doesn’t seem fair at all under the circumstances) consider cutting your losses even more than you think you can bear (this will be a knife in your heart, but I did it and it worked) and offer a once only payout to get them out of your life for good. These people are greedy losers and they will take any cash that is dangled in front of them. It is much, much better than having this guy hanging around you sucking your dry for the rest of your life. Get a really tough lawyer to sort this out. You want one who is fearless and who has dealt with sociopathic partners before and knows what he/she is up against.

Then take two years off to recover. THEN write the book about the experience that you so obviously have the ability to write.

[donatella]

Thank you ever so much Madelaine, for taking the time to read my post and answer it so extensively! Your advice is sound, and I shall try to follow it as much as I can, especially the bit about offering him a lump sum. Sadly, Dutch law is on the side of the perpetrator: on the one hand he can’t sell the house without my written permission, which is good,; on the other hand he is by marriage (without prenuptial, more fool I) entitled to half of everything I’ve got, including the house). So the house will have to be sold and the proceeds split. And that still doesn’t absolve me from alimoney: even if he were to decline that, the social security services will probably try and get it from me since he has no income whatsoever. I’ve looked up jurisprudence and there’s not much hope that even long-term abuse absolves the victim from having to pay up. (It’s high time there was more awareness in the courts for this kind of abuse).
As far as friends are concerned: he’s both a narcissist ánd a sociopath: he doesn’t have any friends, and neither have I consequently, apart from a few dear colleagues. My one and only colleague/best friend is aware of the situation: she won’t credit anything he might claim, since she witnessed his behavior last autumn, when I took refuge with her after a specially threatening attack. Our HR manager at work is also aware that there’s trouble at home, and since I’ve worked there for 23 years I think I’ve got enough credit, should he try to smear my name. Right now I am trying to find the courage to phone the help-line and put my situation before them: I can put on a brave face, but frankly, he scares the hell out of me with his unpredictable behavior. I’m confused as to the timetable, hopefully they can help me with that. I can have him temporarily evicted (10 days), but after that he’d be allowed back, unless there was danger of a blowback. In that case it could be 30 days. During that period I would have to get my divorce papers in order so I can have him evicted with a restraint order. God, what a mess.
Btw, thank you for your complimentary words on my poem: it’s kind of funny that he always claims I can’t write a single line (he’s a songwriter, or tries to be, that was what would bring him world fame and make him super rich he thought, only it didn’t).
Thanks again for all the support, it’s invaluable. That book is definitely going to be written one day, we need more awareness!

[Sunnygal]

I hope you have or can get a good support system. Good luck.

[Author]

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