Damn…I let him in…again

[lovablemd]

I am trying to “move on” from this non-existent relationship. However, I know I am a volunteer as well as being victimized at the same time. It has been three years since I met him. He has a common law wife and 4 kids with her and a few others with past mistresses. He even said he wants to “trap” me, meaning to get me pregnant. Yes, I allowed myself to be a mistress in the beginning. (A little bit about me: I have been detached to human relationships ALL MY LIFE. I have never been in a long term relationship; my shortest one was 6 months and I don’t open up to people. I have social anxiety and I am quiet. Anytime, I went out with a man, I felt nothing (no I am not a lesbian) Then insert the Narc at my last job. He said all these amazing things about me, my hearts swells, chills, butterflies, I get nervous and don’t know how to act around him…I thought this is what love is. This is what I wanted it to be for so damn long.) This is why I believed him when he said he was single. He was living apart from her at the time and visiting the kids on the weekends. I was waiting for this moment, right?

Flash forward to today, I don’t bitch at him, because I know all about supply. He knocks on my door at 4:30AM again…pushing and touching me only wanting sex. I tell him to go to his wife, which now I am wondering if he uses it as a weapon towards her. Last month, I rejected him 2x at the door. I felt strong, good…although I still wanted to get a text from him. Addiction! I was thrown off guard and I know he is only in it for himself. The whole time he is in my apartment I even show him the messages on my wall that says, “I will find someone better.” He doesn’t bat an eyelash. We are intimate and afterward he asks me if I am crying ( I use to hard and in a fetal position on my bed.) He asks me if I will talk shit later.” I am mad at myself of course, I can’t be mad, when i opened the door. I am honestly afraid that if I don’t he will vandalize my car. Is this an excuse? I am trying really hard not to text him, because my mind makes me feel worthless…I don’t want him to win, yet he always does.

I think he came by because he wanted to gain control. Am I right? I needed validation so badly before, but now I am comfortable. I don’t need a disease from the SOB. I have been wondering if I should talk to the “wife”. Thoughts anyone? She pushed me away the first time she saw us texts and I admitted to her two years ago that we did have sex. He beat her for 10 years and was moving himself in to my apartment without me knowing it. She saved my life without me knowing it then. I was so damn happy, I wanted to be around him all the time anyway. I didn’t realize it was control. UGH! Today is a beautiful day out in Texas and yet, I am filled with anxiety. Again, I can’t regret anymore, I am not the old me when I first met him. Damn…I let him in…again…

Thank you in advance for any helpful, kind, comments, please I don’t need any hate.

[jaybird]

lovablemd,

I am not really in any place to give advice. I’ve been trying to end a 7 seven year relationship. I am at day 0 no-contact, again. I don’t know how many times I’ve tried!

I am amazed at how all our stories are so similar. My brain still struggles with grasping this. I’ve been in a terrible place mentally/emotionally all weekend and then I saw him yesterday. I felt better I guess. Like I got my fix. But now I am back to the anxiety. So, I bought a new book to read. I just keep trying to educate myself.

As for talking to his wife, I’d say no. I’ve done this type of thing before and have always felt like a fool afterward. I know he has already prepped the other woman with stories about how I am crazy and how I neglected him.

As for worrying about him vandalizing your car, I say let him. At least you will have grounds for a protection order. I tried this in the past and you need to have good evidence. I did not.

As for texting, I got rid of my cell phone for a while to avoid texts. He still emails me. An I usually respond. I deleted my facebook as well. But I’ve still looked. He has done the exact things on facebook I have read in the Psycopath Free book.

I am still trying to get free. He is “dating” someone else now. I should be relieved, but it still hurts like no other hurt!

Like you said, I feel like a shell of the person I once was. I only hope that I can learn to love myself enough again some day to have emerged from this.

Please take comfort in that you are not alone. The words of wisdom here have helped me.

[Donna Andersen]

Don’t be hard on yourself. Understand that involvements with sociopaths are addictive – a very strong addiction. Sometimes it takes a few tries to end it for good.

Showing up at 4:30 a.m. is highly intrusive. If he tries it again, don’t answer the door. Call the police.

[lovablemd]

Hi Jaybird, thank you for sharing your story with me. A little more back story about the Narc in my life; his wife and I spoke two years ago for two hours. Even after all the things she said that she went through and goes through with him, it was too late for me. I was addicted 100\%. I feel like his wife would be on my side because she nor I ever told him what we talked about, which probably pissed him off to no end.

At this stage (right now) for some reason even though I know there will never be validation from him, I want it. I want it badly. I want to be RIGHT that I may know his next target. I want to catch him in the act so to speak. So my addiction would break. Yeah Right! My therapist said though the only way to break an addiction is abstinence. Ugh! I wanted to also win and beat him, but I know that this will never happen and it will never end. So for me, this is day two of no contact.

I blocked his number for texting only through my phone company. This is a huge step. I wondered why his wife wasn’t hounding me or texting me like she did before, but cell companies don’t keep a log of text messages only phone call logs are kept. Tada! I didn’t know that. I guess I want her to push me away. To help me without him knowing because I can’t obviously do it on my own. I also did push him away badly the first year and I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t leave. Then both my parents died and boy did he use me during that time. I have been in withdrawal before and since he texts me SO much, I get anxiety when he does and doesn’t text. SIGH! I can feel the anxiety setting in and I am writing my feelings down, trying to remind myself all the crap I don’t deserve. I have the perfect Rock song that I play over and over. It makes me feel empowered, but I know this road will be bumpy.

Yes our stories are so so similar, the remake of the same movie with different characters. As if there is a secret club the empaths and codependents don’t know about. Through this relationship though I realized I have childhood trauma that has made me this way. I need to get over this hump to explore it and hoping that I find love for myself first before I can open myself up to a real man. Everything was a lie and continues to be a lie. I live too much in the past now looking at his behavior and saying, aha that was a lie. It baffles me, but it is so interesting too.

Hi Donna, I have had a few people tell me to call the police. He has done it twice so far, but yes I did open the door each time. I open it because it is my little dose of him. This is a new behavior for him so naturally I want to figure out why. A new supply in the evenings? He came around a lot after work, now he works too much. Like jaybird I should be grateful. He only comes around for sex or lately I think he is trying to regain control so it is once a week right before the weekend before he is with his family. I am proud of myself for rejecting him at the door two times last month. Then I didn’t see him for two weeks each time. I have social anxiety, so I don’t get out much and my mind can be consumed with him. I am working on this too, but the last few years have been taxing with the deaths of my parents, him, and my last boss being a sociopath. She hated women. Thank you for your reply. Talking helps!

[jaybird]

I know one thing from experience. Catching him in the act will not break the addition. I thought it would but it didn’t.
Congratulations on 2 days no contact! Keep it up!
I let him come back again last night. He broke up with his “new” girlfriend and came to me. It was a classic hoover just like I’ve read about.
I am feeling ashamed of myself. I love him I think. Instead of being happy I am feeling sick to my stomach. I hate to be the pessimist and be waiting for something to happen. But this is where my mind is. I know the devalue and discards have gotten progressively worse. So I am a little scared. I am also ashamed. I am sure many people will be wondering why I have taken him back after all he has done. I don’t want to see anyone.
At least I am educating myself and now know what I am dealing with.

[lovablemd]

My situation is so different because I am a secondary source. He tried to make me a primary, he wanted to move in within a month of being together. I disrupted the love phase by admitting I had sex with him to his wife. So to make a long story sort, he has never really love bombed me again nor does he admit he is with another second source. I know nothing,which he knows annoys me. When I think about it, he was gonna leave his kids high and dry. So sad for them. I am the dirty secret I found out through education from You Tube videos. I know about her, but she doesn’t know about me. Maybe that is my underlining reason to contact her. That knowledge should have helped me the first time, no one should be a secret, but nope it didn’t, it just gave him more supply when I voiced it all to him.

I feel ashamed too. I am addicted to a human being. Saying that to anyone would make them think you are on crack. It comes and goes, but you can’t put yourself down Jaybird, because then you are more susceptible to his devices. Are compassion is what holds us in place for this guys. We hop and hope, but yes, I agree, education has cleared up so many questions.

Today is day 3 and I am counting like I am in a prison cell waiting for my hearing. I got the itch to unblock him, oh boy did I. Then I thought about the anxiety that would engulf every inch of me as I waited for a text from him and so I didn’t. He will show up, but when is the question?

Don’t be ashamed of being in love. We were fooled into believing we were loved. It will take time, believe in yourself. I was in deep especially after every intimate uh, session with him, I would cry for hours afterward because he left and I was alone and I wanted to be around him every waking second, which caused the jealousy toward his wife. Now the sex is quick with no effort on his part. He is helping me see his words are cheap and so is his effort.

Jaybird, how long are you with him before he discards you? What do you mean by worse, is it shorter and shorter intervals or is he getting nastier with you? Not seeing people and being secluded is what all these narcs want. Keep educating yourself, you are a strong beautiful person, who can truly love and be happy. You have my support!

[jaybird]

Thank you for your supportive words.

This last time, I actually tried to go no-contact, he didn’t really discard me. We got in a fight New Years Eve and I just was fed up with it! I wanted to start 2017 without him. I am tired of the drama and how it impacts my life.

His hoover was to find someone else and post on Facebook he was in a relationship and be very open about his new relationship. I tried everything to go “no contact” but he would find away to get to me at least every few days. I tried to be unemotional and tell him I wanted no contact.

The amount of time we stay apart (if you even consider it that) varies. The longest we’ve lived apart has been a few months, but we’ve always still had some contact. Over the last 2 years I have separated myself from all aspects of his life.

When I say worse, I mean what he does to hurt me is worse. This last time, he posted he was “in a relationship” on Facebook and posted all these loving pictures of them. He says he did all that to get my attention. Before that, he would send me pictures of woman he met, selfies of the two of them. He might say he is going to kill himself. Pictures and texts are the worst. That is why I don’t have a cell phone right now. At times he might be destructive or violent. Or he might just tell me over and over I am a liar and a whore and all the things I’ve done wrong.

I am not sure what is going to happen this time. I feel like my friends, my family, and my therapist are going to be so disappointed in me. I will see how this plays out. At lease this time I have educated myself. I know what I am dealing with.

My anxiety is at an all time high. I just want everything to be ok. Like you said we hope and hope.

[lovablemd]

It sounds like you are friends with him on Facebook? He is being very cruel by doing that just because he knows you are watching. That may not be the best for you right now due to your vulnerabilities to him. I blocked my Narc on Facebook. I had to get my addiction anyway so I created a fake Facebook account not once, but twice. Every time I would see him active, I would get the jolt, my fix, the pull that I would feel in my chest.

I even got tempted to friend him on my fake accounts, to see if he was sharing things with his family/friends that I couldn’t see not being his friend. Hopeful that it would break my addiction to him, like pictures of him and the wife smiling and being “happy.” Again, my need for validation in some shape or form. I know now that wouldn’t work, that would have just made me cry A LOT. Whenever I would mention her on his facebook (it was rare), he would say, “stop looking at my shit, I don’t take pictures WITH HER.” As if that should make me HAPPY. UGh!

You will need the strength to block him. You think you love him, but you also don’t give yourself enough time (and he doesn’t want you to see clearly) to see that he isn’t providing anything for you, but pain. These Narcs hate themselves and they punish themselves with the hate that they want people to have for them. I use to pity him, want to help, fix etc…but you can’t change someone that doesn’t see there is a problem. Wasted energy.

I volunteered at Habitat with Humanity yesterday with my coworkers. Seeing these men and women in loving relationships, laughing, supporting, calling each other babe…it made my heart want that. On the rare chance my Narc says, My love, baby” I have clarity enough only because he isn’t around me a lot to know it is false. WE DESERVE a man that makes us smile.

You will know when enough is enough for you, I can’t help you with that. I can be here for you when you need to talk. I think for people a lot, which is what you are doing by saying your family/therapist will be disappointed. Try not to think for people, the majority of the time you will be wrong.

Day 6 no contact! He doesn’t know that I can’t see his texts, he probably thinks I am mad. My routine after we have sex is get mad at him because he and I know he is using me.

[jaybird]

Congrats on Day 6 no contact! And thank you for the message~

I don’t have a facebook account. I deleted mine about 2 months ago so that I would not look at his facebook account because I knew he was using it to manipulate me. It wasn’t until someone mentioned he was in a relationship on facebook that I looked. Then I promised myself I would not look again and I wouldn’t for a few days, then I would. I created a fake account last weekend. Which I haven’t used in several days. I just need to delete it. It is amazing to me the impact of social media.

What I cling to is that I am educating myself more and more. Yes, I’ve let myself be drawn back in again but I am more aware than I ever have before. I am reading another really good book called Healing from Hidden Abuse. This has been helping me. I am trying not to beat myself up for going back. I could make many excuses for myself. It doesn’t matter. I am back to wondering if I am ever going to recover from this. I’ve had some serious bouts with anxiety over the last several days. I just have to keep on doing the best I can.

Thanks for your messages!

[Author]

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