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About a year and a half ago, I was featured in a “letter to lovefraud.” In that letter, I detailed the spiraling of my ongoing divorce proceedings amid a criminal stalking case against my ex husband. Since then, I’ve posted little here, thinking that distancing myself from the entire idea of sociopaths would help my healing. Then I thought I may be ready to date. A mother of two toddlers, I have little opportunity to meet people, so I turned to internet dating. I should have known better….I met my ex the same way. We can be whatever we want to be behind a keyboard and screen. I met an upstanding gentleman: a teacher and pastor. We went out exactly twice back in the winter. When i didn’t hear from him for awhile, I sent a message and asked if he was okay. I received a reply that essentially he was too busy and I was too young for him, so I quit contacting him. A few weeks later, I begin getting messages from him asking to meet up. I ignore them for awhile, but finally respond that I had reservations after his quick dismissal of me weeks before. Meanwhile, I notice a new ad he’s put up looking for “forever love” and a woman thats “not, let’s say, a witch” (his words) like his ex wife. I should mention that during the dates, he described what a horror the ex wife had been, but that I was so different and so much smarter, blah, blah, blah. At this point, I realize responding may have been a mistake, and I cease communication. Then I get a Facebook friend request from him, which I also ignore. Keep in mind that we went out twice in January, and its now about March or April. Over the next months, I get occassional emails from him asking for a “second chance.” Today I received the email that almost broke the proverbial camel’s back. I was in the midst of a lengthy and angry reply, when I realized I had been No Contact with this guy (that I barely know) and it was infuriating him. See the email he sent me in quotes below:
“I was troubled that you never responded to my repeated tries to contact you, but a friend of mine told me the the missing pieces to my puzzle.
She told me, that when I put my profile on the now non existent Craigslist romance link, I opened myself up to women who were stalking men with money to fain love in order to receive money and other frills.
I did have several “women” who promised many things if I would only send them airfare. I saw through those, but I became hooked with you.
I’m glad I met you, but now that the puzzle is solved, I am disappointed but hopefully wiser. Thank God Craigslist removed the romance link so no one else can be physically or financially hurt.”I think I will delete my draft response where I tell him the irony of his words (my ex latched onto me for money and security, then stalked me relentlessly post divorce, for which he was convicted and served prison time) and that I didn’t think two lunch dates constituted “money or other frills.” I think I won’t respond at all. So much for the “good-hearted pastor wronged by the evil ex wife.” I’m pretty sure this guy is all vitriol and spite. Did I just dodge ANOTHER sociopathic bullet? My therapist warned me to be cautious, as I am a magnet for these types, but I never imagined I’d meet another so soon!! Do I have “date me if you’re a sociopath” tattooed to my forehead???
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I think you are right here. I am not as experienced as some in automatically recognizing this.
I could see “the ex” writing an email like this guy wrote to you. He also posted things like “this year I am going to meet the love of my life.”
Good for you on recognizing this and not responding!
This is the kind of thing I have trouble with. I may have responded, then felt bad for him thinking that way about him, and then given him another chance. What a waste of time and energy that would have been!
Thank you for sharing.
I have not yet started dating. I don’t think I am ready and I don’t even want to. -
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If he’s telling you he loves you after meeting you TWICE, he’s almost definitely a predator of some kind. That’s how they operate. They move fast and get you emotionally involved before you have a chance of finding out what they really are. My ex told me once that he knew he was going to marry me after our third date. What sort of normal, healthy person says something like that?
My advice would be to block his email address, his Facebook profile, and any other online profile, so you never have to see anything from him ever again. And don’t do online dating if you can help it. It is the perfect platform for liars and manipulators.
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Don’t beat yourself up. Just be glad you saw the signs this early, before you got totally sucked in to his trap. You should be proud of yourself for that.
I also wonder what it is about us that makes us targets for these monsters. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been attracting these “false friends” that just take advantage of me and then ditch me once they get bored or have taken what they wanted from me. Sometimes I think it might be because my dad left when I was a kid, and I’m just trying to fill that absence in my life. Or maybe that’s too simplistic. I don’t know.
It could just be that sociopaths target people with empathy and a capacity for forgiveness, because they know they can count on them to give them the benefit of the doubt. The important thing to remember is that we can’t just trust someone to be who they say they are. Gather as much information as you can. If their version of reality doesn’t match up with the facts, they’re probably lying.
Words mean nothing; “I love you” means nothing. Real love is proved by actions.
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rosered – You DID NOT LET HIM INTO YOUR LIFE!!!! You had two lunch dates, noticed the problems, and stopped communicating with him. You were SUCCESSFUL in PROTECTING YOURSELF!
Don’t be hard on yourself. Congratulate yourself!!!
The fact is that there are millions of sociopaths around us – especially on dating sites. The only way to totally prevent an interaction with them is to not talk to anybody — and that is no way to live. The next best thing is to be aware and get rid of them as soon as you spot them – which is exactly what you did!!
Sometimes there is a purpose to these encounters. It could be to validate that your sensors are working – and they are. It could also be a catalyst to help you process and release some residual anger – grief – pain – whatever from your previous relationship. So of those feelings come up, allow yourself to experience them, and then let them go.
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I just learned something, that very likely saved me years of more abuse. After doing a second background check on an individual i’ve been txting with for over a year and a half, i found a Twitter account address. I accessed the Twitter account and found, to my horror, that this individual is obsessed with online porn: web cams and chat rooms that he accesses from his phone. He’s also possibly a pedophile. I’m concerned that he had been linking me into his chat rooms from his phone, and that our txt conversations actually included some of these porno individuals. Does anybody have any experience with this, or know anything about it? I’m absolutely sick about this….
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uwfrog – What an awful experience! I’m afraid I can’t answer your questions. Maybe someone else can.
In the meantime, No Contact with him.
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