Dating Someone Raised by a Narcissist

[emilie18]

I dated a very nice man. He was kind, thoughtful, considerate in so many ways. But he was flawed in so many ways, too. He had trouble standing up for himself and saying what he really meant. He could never admit to feeling negative emotions – sadness, anger, jealousy, fear. He could not take criticism, and retaliated or blamed others for his shortcomings. He had no real sense of self. He could never directly say no, but would make up reasons to not do things he didn’t think of first or actually want to do. He was estranged from and expressed deep and bitter resentment for his sister, who he called a narcissistic entitled b^&%h. He catered to his father, who manipulated and used him. Yet, he called his father every day, spent months at a time visiting him. He allowed his son to live in his condo rent free, and paid for most of his expenses when he was “between jobs” – which was often, yet he complained about his son constantly. It wasn’t until I met his father that I understood. I was dating a man raised by a narcissistic sociopath. The first time I met his father – he was in his late 80’s – he hit on me. He invited us out to dinner, flirted with the waitress, but complained about her when she left, ordered the most expensive meal, then “forgot his wallet”. He bragged about his life and his many “conquests”. He criticized his son for the amount of the tip. He asked me, in front of his son, if I didn’t think I could do better. It was embarrassing to watch, painful to be around.

When I asked my friend about his upbringing, he admitted his father treated the two kids very differently, and his mother made absolutely no attempt to intervene. He was made to do farm work early mornings and afternoons, was not allowed to have a bicycle or car unless he paid for them, was taken out of school sports because they took up too much time, was rarely allowed to go out with friends, while his sister got everything she asked for, was encouraged to participate in equestrian events, had the prettiest dresses, the nicest car, had her college fully funded (he had to work to get through) and never, ever did chores. Nothing he did was good enough. Everything she did was perfect. His father consistently held his money over my friend’s head…promising him things like a classic old car, antique furniture, fabulous trips, his dead mother’s jewelry, inheritance of the family farm, then reneging on all promises, or saying he never made them, usually when my friend refused to do something his father wanted. I realized that the flaws I was seeing were a result of his being raised by this callous, manipulative, cruel man – and my friend was still in his power, even after moving 500 miles away.

I eventually grew weary of this dynamic. No amount of talking or explaining what I was seeing, or begging him to go no contact with his father had any lasting effect. He never confronted his 40 year old son, or refused him anything. His upbringing had ingrained in him a deep belief that he would never be good enough, smart enough, capable enough, likable enough — and this man was in his 70’s.

I have since read up on the effects of being raised by a narcissist, or other disordered personality. I realized now that the damage was done very early and consistently, and had continued all throughout my friend’s life. He knew no other way of dealing with his world. He was constantly in survivor mode, constantly on guard, waiting for the next punishment, constantly wary of defending himself, standing up for himself, or even saying “no” to anything. He was sick a lot — every time we were supposed to take a trip together, go to a new restaurant, attend a concert, or something else I had suggested, he called the day before to cancel. Stomach problems. The flu. Headache. He constantly critiqued my life, suggesting I do things differently, or that I should not have done something I did, or could do better. When I stood up for myself, or if we argued or I contradicted him, or pointed out a flaw is his logic, he would stop calling for days. I grew tired of his inability to commit to anything, his unwillingness to try new experiences, his shutting me out emotionally. I realized he would never change. My self worth was more important. I walked away.

I know it is possible to overcome your past, to break out of the cycle of pain, self-hate and confusion of being raised by a narcissist/psychopath. But it takes intense work, therapy, self awareness and a strong spirit. Sadly, I was dating a man who never was able to get beyond this damage.

• This topic was modified 1 hour, 45 minutes ago by emilie18.

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