Denying me sleep, blocking my exit

[inlovewithapsycho]

I just feel like sharing a bit about my ex-wife whom I divorced for some years ago. I still think a lot about our bad relationship and how sick it really was. I’m just glad I got away from a person I believe might be a psychopath.

My ex-wife and I often had long and loud arguments (fights) that never ended. I would often end up saying ”let’s agree to disagree, sorry but I simply cannot just agree with some issue . Sorry, but we need to continue this conversation later, I need to go to sleep.” The arguments were often about me not being able to plan ahead and letting her know the exact time schedule for weeks ahead. That was really ironic, though, since she was the most sporadic and impulsive person I have ever known. In many ways I think she used this “hakuna matata”-lifestyle to manipulate other people. Example: if we were at the beach, she would sit in her beach chair all day long, reading a book. Eventually when we packed up, changed clothes and everyone was carrying their stuff to the cars, then she would run to the water to swim. This resulted in everyone watching her, waiting for her, all eyes on her. Same thing when we were going on trips. She would never pack her bag for a train/plain a day ahead, but instead “just making it” every time. We ALWAYS run places. Often I run ahead with all of our bags, pleading her to come along. The train would come to the station, I would throw the bags in not knowing if she would make it or not, even asking the attendant to hold the train for a minute. Then she would come walking slowly, making the train, just in time. Again, all eyes on her.

Anyway, she would never let me end an argument. She would say ”You are just lying – We are not going to continue this discussion later, even though you say so. Therefore, we need to finish this now.” Not being able to end/pause our arguments, it went on for hours into the night. Finally, when I was so tired, that I just went to lay in bed, she would pull off my blanket, turn on the lights and continue the argument – She wouldn’t even let me sleep. It happened a couple of times, I actually held her down (clothes on – nothing sexual – by force, but not to hurt), just trying to get her to calm down. In some way she struggled to lose the grip, but in another way I felt this was just an act. I think she actually liked me forcing her to relax. She would eventually fall asleep, so I could do so too. I’m not proud of ”forcing” like that, but I tell you, this was my only option if I was to have a night of sleep once in a while. I think this happened two or three times. She never commented this the day after, or ever after.

Many times I tried to ”escape” our little apartment at night, my motive was to stay out long enough that she would go to sleep, allowing me to come back and sleep myself. Often, if not always she would block the way out of the apartment, pushing me back. I’m glad I have no violent experiences in my life. I’m afraid if I had, I would eventually ”snap” and be violent to her. Was she violent to me? Yes, mostly psychological violence: gas lighting, using straw man arguments, disallowing me sleep, accusing me for things that never happened. She constantly was making me feel guilty of things, making me “walk on my toes” not to start an argument, telling me I was being over-sensitive and such. But she was also, in some few occasions physical in her violence. One time she actually pulled a large kitchen knife on me when I tried to leave the apartment. She was probably not trying to hurt me, but even threatening to such a thing is crazy enough I think.

Off course many of these things sound so crazy, that you might think I should have went to the police, but on the other hand, I felt most was just plain childish… Also I was afraid she would accuse me for stuff -like holding her with force, or things that was just a pure lie. I remember once we were on a hiking trip with her family. My brother in law and I stopped by a shop selling some Indian food. We told the others to just walk ahead, and we would just buy a snack (for everyone) and then run to catch up with them, and so we did. To my surprise, she was really angry with me when we met up with them some minutes later. I tried to calm her, telling we bought food for everyone, but she wouldn’t listen. Instead she pointed with her finger at me and looked with a hateful look at me and said “You will surely regret this”. I wasn’t sure if I should be frightened or humored, but I think (like many other times) I was just apathic about it, as a way of handling the emotional rollercoaster she forced me to ride with her. This threat was never again mentioned. Like with everything else, she never said sorry.

I’m sorry this whole post is a bit messy, but so is my memory of the time with her. I think she messed with my mind, so I have quite a foggy memory if it all.

Just so you know: I eventually fled from her on my motorbike after one of our pathetic arguments. I drove away and I have never felt so free in my life. I didn’t meet with her before the divorce was finalized. I was simply too scared to be manipulated back. I’m now happily married again and have kids. Life is very good, but I guess the need to write this text (along with a lot of letters to myself), is telling me that I still have issues with this…

Please let me know if you have any similar experiences, I would love to know that I’m not alone experiencing such things. Also: was (is) she a psychopath?

[Donna Andersen]

inlovewithapsycho – thank you for sharing your story. I can tell you that sleep deprivation is a classic psychopathic manipulation technique- tired people are more easily controlled. Your ex wife was definitely disordered. I am very glad that you escaped her.

[missourijewel]

Wow. Reading your story brings back memories of my ex-husband doing this. I’d work a double shift and be exhausted, or sick, or anything really, and he’d decide it was time to teach me a lesson for some imagined slight. Lights on, music blaring, screaming at me all night long that I wasn’t showing him respect.

It got so bad that for many, many years I would apologize over and over, not even knowing what I’d done wrong.

I learned that if I was angry about something he’d done, that I would never get an apology. I would get punished. The punishments would last for days until I’d finally cave in, pleading that I was sorry. God, it was awful.

I learned if something good happened to me that he would take perverse pleasure in destroying the moment and punishing me for it.

They mess with your head so bad that you’re left reeling from trying to understand what just happened. You begin to doubt yourself. You’re no longer allowed to be ‘YOU’. It’s such a nightmare to walk on eggshells every hour of your life.

It really is all a form of control and manipulation. They are masters at it. They will never apologize because they never feel they’ve done wrong. They have enormous disdain for us too. I’d even go so far as to say hatred. They hate our easy smile and laugh. They hate that we have compassion and empathy. It makes them very happy to destroy us.

I am so glad you are away from her. It took me many years to understand this, but disordered people are everywhere, and they’re constantly looking and testing to find new prey. It is their nature. It is so important to learn to have boundaries and to draw a line in the sand that you never allow others to cross. It’s okay to trust yourself and say, “I’m not okay with this…”

I’ve reached the point where I recognize people like this now and I back away instantly. I have no more time to waste on the likes of them. Some family members are like this. I’ve learned to keep them at a distance. Your gut knows. Trust your gut.

I still think about and ponder what happened to me back then. I think we all struggle in some way to understand the past. Lovefraud has helped me so much thru the years as I have processed it all.

Kind regards…

[inlovewithapsycho]

Thank you so much! It feels so incredibly good to get some confirmation that my feelings are right. You know, it’s so very true that you question yourself, your thoughts and feelings when you have such a partner. I realize many years later that I also have questioned my memories so much that I’ve had a hard time remembering what really happened.

Getting confirmation from others (you), makes the bad memories resurface – but in a good way. Like I’m telling myself: “I have the right to feel bad about what happened. I have no need to say sorry for leaving her. I’m a good person, cause I tried, and always try to do good to others. I’m successful, I am well. I do good things, and I’m happy I’m me and not the person she/he portrayed me to be.”

Wow, I realize that although I’m free and feel good now (years later), I still need healing from the wounds I got from the time with her.

One more experience that I remembered when reading your post missourijewel:
I remember once I was on a work-trip in my home town, and was sleeping over at my parents house. I had to go to work at 4.00 AM the next morning for a job. She knew this very well, and still she called me at midnight to discuss some (none important and totally irrelevant) issues, and although I told her many times that “I HAVE TO SLEEP NOW”, she wouldn’t quit before I was left with no more than 1 hour of sleep until the job. I guess she was jealous that I was over at my parents house, that I was traveling with a friend/coworker, and that I had an important job. Normal people would be extra cautious not to disturb their spouse in crucial moments like this. I guess she is not normal then, something my coworker also pointed out that time. I remember he said “Wow man, that girl is crazy. I’d break up with her if I was you”. That’s quite a drastic thing to say to a married man, but I know now that he was right.

So many memories are resurfacing. I agree about recognizing people similar to her. I remember how she would constantly choose a spot on the floor in our apartment where I was probably going to want to walk, and she would sit there with a lot of papers “organizing”. Then I would need to walk around her, or taking a long step over her to get to where I wanted. Sometimes I would comment on this, where she would respond: “Am I not allowed to sit where ever I want in our house?” At work there is a guy that constantly leave stuff in the path of others. Sometimes in such a way that you not only have to walk long detours to get to the printer or whatever, but often also forcing us to walk via his spot in the office. This may sound paranoid, but I tell you, it’s like this almost every day. I think I’m the only one who recognize this subtle “game” of his.

[Author]

Posts