Did any of you ever expose the narcopath for who they really are?

[neversettle4less]

Is it just me or does anyone else ever feel like they should warn others and/or expose who and what the narcissistic sociopathic person in their life really is? My ex-boyfriend is someone who is an influencer online, a music producer and artist, and someone who has a lot of fans/followers, but no one knows him like I do. They are influenced by him and his music which is all spiritual/religious and so he presents himself in a way that no one would suspect that he is actually an angry, rageful, manipulative, and abusive person.

He and I had many mutual friends on social media and we made our relationship status publicly known when we first started dating. I used to use my social media platforms as a way to promote his music because I at one point was his biggest fan! I also liked to use my social media as a way to reach other abuse victims/survivors because I unfortunately have been in multiple narcissistic and domesticly abusive relationships and I was raised by a narcissistic parent. I am passionate about helping survivors and advocating against abuse because of this.

I confided in my ex that I was an abuse survivor and he seemed very empathetic and understanding of how much that did/does affect me. I started sharing content about my trauma and abuse story online. My ex said he wanted to help bring awareness against DV on a larger scale through the power of music so he and I collaborated on a domestic abuse awareness song where I shared my story in the song that he produced and published. It was a very powerful and impactful song. I shared it to help other DV survivors know they are not alone and there is life after abuse. He was very supportive of my endeavors to spread awareness against DV. He told me I would “never have to know what abuse was again” and he assured me I was safe with him.

I never expected that this person who has this popular, clean, reputable, and likable image was actually an abuser! He seemed to be so against abuse and abusers and was very troubled by my story saying, “no one should have to go through that”. I was so happy and proud to be with him and to be a part of his music. I saw him as someone to respect, look up to, and admire for his talents. He was so caring, charismatic, encouraging, and supportive of me well at least in the beginning he was, when I was still his biggest fan. But that is no longer the case.

Imagine my surprise when one day during a disagreement he became rageful and physically abused me! I was beyond shocked and devastated! I’m still dealing with the effects of what he did to me as it was not that long ago. I already had PTSD (from a previous narcissistic abusive relationship) when I met him but now I’m dealing with C-PTSD (trauma on top of trauma)! I was in so much shock at what he did to me and there was no way I could continue promoting the music of someone who was actually an abuser behind closed doors so I stopped sharing his music. People clearly started noticing something was wrong because I who once was his biggest fan was no longer promoting his music and I decided to unfollow him.

A part of me felt like maybe I should say something at least to our mutual friends, but I was honestly scared to really speak up and say anything because at the time of the abuse he and I were still living together and so I was scared/intimated and still in shock over what he did and I did not want to provoke him to rage against me again! Honestly as crazy as it sounds I was afraid if I spoke out about what he did that either people wouldn’t believe me or they would think maybe I was just a bitter ex-girlfriend cause by this time he had blocked and unfriended me. I instead made the decision to publicly let everyone know that I was no longer going to be using that social media profile anymore and then I cut ties with the mutual friends we had which was not easy to do because some of them I had become close friends with and really cared about.

I still use social media but I don’t use that profile name anymore and I have no contact with him or our mutual friends but there is a part of me maybe the advocate in me that wants to and feels like maybe I should warn others especially those that know my abuse story because they don’t realize that someone they are friends with and whose music they like and admire is not the person who he presents himself to be at all! They don’t realize they are friends with a narcissistic sociopathic abuser!

So my question to all of you is have you ever exposed your narcopath abuser and if so what was the outcome?

• This topic was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by neversettle4less.

[funluvmusic25]

Hi neversettle4less, I can only imagine how difficult your situation was and still is knowing what your ex has done, yet he goes on without any of his followers suspecting a thing. Obviously, he has a very dark side to him and you were a firsthand witness to it. Living with him during the abuse made it very difficult out of fear for your own safety. Keep that in mind when you have thoughts of exposing him. Even though you have established NC he could still be very dangerous if he suspected you exposed him. If exposed next might come a restraining order for your own protection and we all know the “Dateline” stories of women who had a restraining order, yet their abuser found them in spite of that. The consequences could be dire! Your safety is your number one priority!

I had a situation where my ex-N’s current live-in girlfriend at the time tried calling me. I was on a semi-break from my ex-N during this time period. While he was living with her he was calling me telling me he still cared for me and she was only a “pit-stop.” Can you imagine being only a “pit-stop?” At any rate, she must have suspected his calls and went through his phone where she obtained my phone number. With that, she called me blocking her number as private, but did not leave a message. I tried automatically re-dialing the last call. She didn’t pick up and her automated voicemail greeting answered stating “you have reached – – – ( her number). With that I texted her number thinking it was my ex trying to reach me using a different number. My text was scolding saying something like “have the balls to at least leave a message instead of hiding behind the “private” number. With that, she called me the next morning revealing her name and number on my caller ID. She fumbled saying she was sorry and thought she had the wrong number even though she had asked for me by my first name (which would have shown up on my ex’s phone as she went through it). I asked her if she knew my ex and she lied saying, “ I don’t believe so.” With that I contacted my ex asking who the hell is – – – (her name) ? He was startled, apologized and later said he told her that she killed any feelings he had for her by going through his phone. I texted her privately telling her if she wanted more info on him she could contact me at any time. She never did. So much for exposing him! This all happened during the month of February – a short month after he had moved into her house. I can only imagine the misery he put her through after that! Fast forward to October and I think she finally threw him out – it took that long. Funny, he started “hovering” me again. I really believe your ex has already started a smear campaign against you and any exposing on your part would fall on deaf ears since most are most likely under his spell- after all, how could someone of his beliefs be physically abusive they would ask? Exposing them is not worth your safety not to mention back- sliding in your healing and recovery. You’ve found this site and it’s supporters, so in essence you’ve already exposed him. Hold your head high and be proud of that……..you don’t need anymore trauma.

I know our stories may not be similar, but I hope my scenario can be helpful if even in the smallest of ways. Take care of yourself..you are worth it! Blessings.

[polestar]

Hi neversettleforless – I have had an experience to share – I will share the main points though I am not going to go into all the details because they aren’t pertinent to answering your question. I was brought up by family members ( not biological parents ) who were very prominent socially and politically. They were seen as the most generous, kind and charismatic people who loved to give to many charities etc. You wouldn’t believe how many dinners were given to honor them ! Yet they were extremely abusive to me. They were also wonderful to their own biological children. So I was quite isolated in the environment. There was no way growing up ( or so I thought ) that anyone would ever believe me if I did speak up. Plus I didn’t know about narcissistic abuse so it was hard for me to conceptualize what I was going through even to myself. Fast forward to my adulthood and I took action on my own behalf that did not call them out publicly. My ” brother ” inadvertently found out and he saw my action as meaning that I was standing up to them. The blow back was horrible, with every narcissistic maneuver and attack compiled against me – gaslighting, lying, accusations, character assassination, threats, and smear campaigning. I was not even trying to stand up to them – I was just living my authentic self. I definitely reeled from it all, but got through it with the help of so may in the recovery community. I did learn a lot and one thing I came away with was that it was like being in a cult – and any deflector is seen as bad, wrong and mentally ill ( crazy ). So the question comes up about the morality if it is incumbent to call out powerful corrupt people or not – wether they are powerful on a large scale, or powerful in the personal realm. I think it has a lot to do with what the consequences would be for the whistle blower. I don’t think we need to be martyrs for the ‘ cause ” if we are not powerful enough and could really be hurt, physically, mentally, socially or emotionally. Sometimes if we do want to call out someone who is like a cult leader ( that sounds like your ex ), we would need to be in a safe position to do so. Some cults have been able to totally ruin an ex member’s life and I don’t think it is worth it in that case. Some people have actually given their lives for telling the truth and the cause they were championing they felt was worth it. In your case, your ex is a total creep – a big fish in a small pond, and I don’t think he is even worth the effort. Luckily there is so much out there now about narcissism, which people can access if they feel the need. I think that you are really doing your part in that regard and I would encourage you to go forward with your own good agenda to help those in need, and ignore the creep. Thanks for all you are doing.

[funluvmusic25]

neversettle4less, I wholeheartedly agree with polestar! The consequences and any satisfaction are not worth your efforts. Put the energy into your own well being continuing to heal and support others as you grow and learn. As polestar relayed, the blow-back can be horrible. Stay strong!

[funluvmusic25]

Neversettle4less, one more thing to add to my post is that your ex has most likely started a smear campaign against you since he knows what you know and also the mutual friends most likely have been asking him the reason for your abrupt disappearance from their circle. Remember, narcissists are always 5 steps ahead of us – that’s how they can be so successful at reading us. They think of things most normal humans never think of. They are cunningly devious.

[neversettle4less]

Funlovemusic25 It’s ironic that you bring up a protection order because while I was with my ex-bf I had to get a protection order against my narcissistic ex-husband who found out I had a bf and began stalking me, monitoring me via flying monkeys, and showed up at and refused to leave my house). My ex-bf (bf at the time) was actually very supportive of me during this process and even went with me to court for moral support. I know it may sound crazy but I say it this way “the one who helped me while I was getting the protection order is also the one who in the end I ended up needing protection from!”

I have considered and do think there probably would be either a lot of backlash and/or if there isn’t already a possible smear campaign and I really don’t want to have to go through any of that. I have enough to focus on with the many mental and physical health disorders I am going through. I’m sure by now he’s probably told his side of things and since I just sort of removed myself from everyone we were associated with and he’s still very much active and engaged with them all he probably looks more credible. I also do feel like my safety would be compromised in one way or another because he was seen driving not too far from my home not long ago. I guess I wasn’t so much wanting to expose him to show his true character but more so to try to prevent other potential female targets from going through what I did. I wish I could spare everyone from enduring this type of insidious abuse but I know no matter what I do or don’t do he’s going to continue doing what he does because that’s who he is, but if someone was to privately ask me about him that potentially was romantically interested in him I think I would have to warn that girl just like I wish someone would have warned me.

[neversettle4less]

Polestar I am sorry for the awful experience you had growing up it sounds like you were the scapegoat of that family and therefore the one that was able to see the truth and know that they were not who they portrayed themselves to be. I also am the scapegoat and so I know just how awful being given that role feels. I’m sorry for the backlash you endured. Whenever you speak the truth in a narcissistic family/relationship you instantly become enemy number one! It should not be that way but these people live their lives in a web of deceit, lies, cover-ups, and secrecy and so exposing them makes them retaliate and try to make you look like something is wrong with you cause no one else sees the problem or thinks that way about them so therefore the problem must be you! At least that’s how they want others to see it and believe it to be. We don’t realize that as the scapegoat we have been groomed and conditioned to be the wrong one, difficult one, rebellious one, or whatever other term they may have labeled you, but none of that is true you were labeled this because they know you are able to see them for who and what they really are. The scapegoat can also be known as the “truth teller” and their worst fear is someone exposing them and not seeing them for the fake false persona mask that they wear and have worn for so long. I’m glad you were able to go on and live your life as your authentic self that will truly help you and is one of the best things you can do in order to heal. Thank you for responding and for sharing your story.

[funluvmusic25]

polestar & neversettle4less, I’m so sorry to hear your stories. Polestar to think you were only trying to live your authentic life and had to endure all of the backlash is heartbreaking. Growing up feeling isolated from the rest of the family only deepened your confusion and like you mentioned there was not a lot of information out there on disordered personalities. In spite of this you have gone on to be thoughtful, caring and very insightful. This is such a help to all of us in our healing journeys.

Neversettle4less, to think your ex-N helped you obtain a restraining order for your ex husband only to go on to continue the abuse towards you. The lies and webs they spin leaves me speechless. Because they are wired so unlike us, we cannot even begin to think they are capable of the things they do! It is clear from your posts that you are seeing things more clearly as you’ve distanced yourself from not only him, but your mutual friends. I think you have already started to answer your own questions on whether or not you should expose him. As much as you’d want to warn a potential romantic interest I think she might already be under his spell, same as we once were and our warnings would fall on deaf ears which would only frustrate us and make us look like the crazy ex. As I mentioned I had texted my the woman who called me letting her know if she ever wanted more information on my ex she was welcome to contact me…..she never did. They only hear or believe one side of the story no matter how many red flags they see or how many suspicions they have. Use this energy on yourself!

[Freeofnarc]

I did expose him to his family about the stuff he wanted sexually and I know it hurt him, because they are totally against that kind of thing (being super religious). I also put him on thedirty.com to warn other women. After all the things I went through, he deserved at least that. Maybe it was petty but it made me feel better.

[polestar]

Hi freeofnarc – I can understand that outing him would feel satisfying. I’m glad that you were able to do that without any harmful consequences. But I want others who read about outing narcs to be very aware of the potential dangers involved. But Glad you were able to tell the truth successfully !

[neversettle4less]

funlovemusic25 Right it’s beyond what I can comprehend how someone can be the exact thing they claim to be so against, one thing is for sure these sociopaths have no conscience, no remorse, and no integrity!

I have been gaining more insight into who he is, what he did, and why he acts the way he does. I did conclude even while I was with him that he was narcissistic although he masked that so well at first and his use of biblical knowledge really blinded me and made me not even feel right to suspect him. But as time went on I paid more attention to his “fruits” and less attention to his words and they clearly did not match. I realize now what I was dealing with was a master manipulator and narcissistic sociopath.

The reason we can’t and don’t understand how and why they act so cold-hearted and manipulative is that we healthy people are empathetic caring people who treat people with love and respect and to sociopaths people are just objects to be used and love to them is what you can do for them and what they can get from you, its purely transactional and not emotional at all. That is just so sad and so disturbing, but once you know that it does somewhat help you to realize you weren’t actually dealing with a normal human being, and therefore it does somewhat ease the question of ‘what did I do wrong?” I’m trying to tell myself if he wouldn’t have done this to me he would have done it to someone else and most likely has done this before (although I don’t know his past relationship history). I’m really working on trying not to take it personally although I can’t lie the pain from all this truly cuts deep! As I’m sure unfortunately you and everyone else here can and does relate to.

I am so glad I found this site and am learning more about sociopathy because it’s all starting to come together more as I watch Donna’s videos listen to the true love fraud stories, and read the situations all of us have been in. You are right though as much as sometimes I feel like I want to and should expose him I don’t think it would be worth it and I don’t want to put myself in danger nor do I want to deal with any of the backlash from any of his potential flying monkeys that he’s probably got under his spell so I will leave it be and as you said focus on me and my continued healing. Thank you all for giving me a place and space to talk all this out. I am grateful to be here and to talk among all of you!

[neversettle4less]

freeofnarc Thank you for sharing and responding. How did he respond to what you did? I am not familiar with thedirty.com what is that? I do feel the need to warn other women but this man is so charming and charismatic that he could smooth and sweet talk women into believing him and most likely will or has already smeared my name and reputation.

[Freeofnarc]

I told him I had a boyfriend two years ago and he never contacted me again. But I assume he was very much ashamed of his actions especially because his family is homophobic and a lot of the stuff he wanted would not be accepted by his family. It helped to have screen shots of everything to send to them. I took him back so many times. But when I found out he cheated (and probably cheated the whole time) I woke up. Thedirty.com is where you warn others about these toxic people. It can never be taken down by anyone but me and it’s used widely where I am. Hopefully I saved at least one woman from this fate which I’ve endured. He messed with the wrong person. I knew there would not be any consequences for outing him. I have no family which I keep in contact with and my friends already knew everything. He just moved on to the next victim I suppose. We were just dating and I had no children with him so it was easy to break off and not see him again

[funluvmusic25]

Neversettle4less, I’m very much in agreement with you…..this site and all the information we can obtain is very therapeutic. As much as it pains us, we start to learn that these disordered personalities have no soul. There is no remorse for any of the selfish things they do, it is always about them and their gain.

They paint wonderful pictures of a future life together, yet their actions say otherwise. We cannot understand how they can say and do what they do because they have hooked us. As we educate ourselves we become more understanding of what’s really going on. The best we can do is remove ourselves with no contact. As much as it is very painful – it only will get worse the longer we stay. Fact of the matter is they cannot change who they are. And yes, we aren’t the first or the last to fall under their spell. It’s all a game of power for them. Imagine a whole lifetime of cheating, manipulating and lying having to look over your shoulder all the time? They become very adept at doing what they do – it’s a lifestyle for them.

I’m so glad you’re putting the energy into your own healing and well being. Your safety and sanity are so worth it! Stay strong, my friend!

[neversettle4less]

freeofnarc Well I am glad you were able to get away from him finally. I know it’s not easy and we tend to go back especially when they hoover or love bomb us back in but sounds like he finally left you alone and that’s what is best for you. Unfortunately when my ex-husband found out I had a boyfriend that’s when he started stalking me so I am glad it was not that way for you. I went to the dirty.com website but it didn’t work for me. Is it available in the US? Just wondering cause I am interested in looking into it. Thank you for this information. I’m glad to hear things got better for you.

[neversettle4less]

funlovemusic25 Right I like to say it like this “they sell us a dream and deliver us a nightmare!” I think that about sums it up.

It must be a sad miserable existence to have to mirror and mimic someone’s good qualities because they have none of their and all with a diabolical plan to exploit, manipulate, and basically con people out of whatever it is they are after, they’re just like vultures seeking innocent prey! It really is disgusting to think about.

I definitely have remained no contact for four months now with my ex-b although I am debating whether I should pursue legal action to have my name and all my features on his songs removed from his music. I honestly don’t want to be a part of it anymore but I’m not sure what legal rights I have to take such action or what the retaliation may be on his part as I know that will really anger him. Still, my integrity is uncomfortable being a part of something that I don’t believe in and don’t want to be associated with. If I did contact him if would be for that reason and most likely a lawyer would do that.

Yes being in this forum has and is helping me and I am grateful to be here. I wish continued healing to us all.

[polestar]

Hi neversettle4less – You actually addressed funluvmusic in your last post, so I hope it is OK for me to respond – because an idea popped into my mind about your subject. It was actually a person’s name that popped up and that is Tina Turner. As you know she had an abusive relationship with her husband Ike. She wrote a book about it and it was also made into a movie. It was very inspirational especially for those suffering from Domestic abuse or any kind of abuse and the courage she showed by getting out with absolutely nothing. In any case, it turned out that the only thing she did insist upon ( legally I think ) was to be able to keep her stage name of Tina Turner. This name connected with her music with Ike and I am pretty sure their music is still available. She just didn’t pay attention to any of that and just went forward to live a magnificent life. She was also able to find true love with her husband of so many years. She is such an inspiration and is missed now by the whole world. So my advice to you is to follow her example, and just ignore your ex like she just ignored ike. She did write her book, but she did not bother with trying to undo the musical past they had together – she just carried on. This is just one point of view to consider when making your decision with going forward. Love and Light

[funluvmusic25]

neversettle4less – I like the way you describe what they sell and deliver. How true it is!

I can understand how your integrity is uncomfortable having your name on any of his music. I will say if you decided to pursue legal action please weigh the risks versus the rewards or any form of satisfaction. Perhaps a consultation with an attorney (entertainment attorney?) would provide a better idea of your legal rights as well as the costs it may incur. It would give you a better idea if any of it would be worth it. The last thing you want to do is re-connect with your ex, especially after your successful 4 months of no contact. You know what you know and that is all that matters. My ex used to say, “I can show you better than I can tell you.” When I discovered a bevy of public information regarding his criminal past I mailed him copies with a sticky note attached saying, “I can show you better than I can tell you.” His reaction? Basically, he told me he laughed when he received it! That’s how seriously he took all of this……he laughed. I’m sharing this story with you because you have to be prepared for their unconventional, bizarre reaction which can defeat your purpose. Sometimes they’re just not worth any of our time or energy! I hope this can be helpful.

[neversettle4less]

polestar Yes it’s ok to address me, did I respond to the wrong person? If so I apologize. Thank you for that advice and reminder about Tina Turner. I actually watched her movie “What’s love got to do with it” not too long ago. She absolutely did give him everything in the divorce and said all she wanted was her music name that she worked so hard for and what her fans had come to know and love her as and she was awarded the right to keep her stage name. Thank you for this perspective and I will consider just leaving things as they are with his music.

[neversettle4less]

funlovemusic25 I actually was doing some research regarding music law and yes they are known as entertainment lawyers. I think a (free) consultation would be my best option if I decide to pursue this, Right now it is just an idea but not one I want to invest a lot of time or money into nor do I want to have to face him in court and deal with that nonsense so yeah in the long run it may just not be worth it at least not right now when my C-PTSD is very strong and I’m highly likely to be triggered.

So you turned the tables around on your ex and basically used his own words against him to show him you became aware of his criminal past, I bet that got to him whether he admitted it or not cause they hate when we “one up them” in any way. But deep down I’m sure that was a blow to his inflated ego!

[polestar]

Hi – you addressed the right person – no problem – it’s just that I usually read all posts no matter who they are addressed to, and I got a good idea for you, but didn’t want to be rude or overstep etc – if you know what I mean. Anyway, glad that you read Tina’s book and can understand what I was trying to get across. I also liked what funluvmusic recommended. But the bottom line is that you have real integrity and will have much to share with many. Love and light to you

[funluvmusic25]

neversettle4less- I would agree – anything that would trigger you is not in your best interest. If you ever did end up in court, even if you won the battle, I believe you would suffer more mental harm than you expect. As polestar stated you already have your integrity………….he has none.

Unfortunately, they never have the reactions we expect or would like to see. The fact that my ex had to say he laughed at the information he received showed me his 12 year old mentality. They hide behind their so-called macho, over- inflated ego for sure!

[neversettle4less]

funlovemusic25 Yes I am working so hard to avoid triggers not create them. I definietly don’t want to go back to court I’ve been there enough between a three year long custody battle over my youngest son, the divorce process twice over my ex-husband (because he contested it), three protection orders for my son, and this last time at court for the protectin order against my ex-husband, yeah I think it’s safe to say I do not want to have to deal with court if I don’t have to! If I was to win in this situation against my ex-bf he would probably publicly retaliate (he did that to someone else while I was with him). Thank you Polestar and funlovemusic25 and everyone else for your feedback and responses to this I appreciate your perspectives and advice.

You said that right they love to come across as “macho” but really they are just emotionally stunted children in an adult’s body. I saw where they have the emotional age of between 8-12 years old. Honestly maybe even younger than that cause some of them throw temper tantrums! I’m sure we’ve all witnessed them in this way I know I sure have.

[Donna Andersen]

Neversettle4less – I am so sorry for your situation. There are several articles in the Lovefraud Blog addressing your concerns. Search under Exposing the sociopath and Do I Warn the next victim?

The bottom line is you need to put yourself first – your life, your safety, your reputation, your finances. In my opinion, if you can warn safely, it’s worth a try. If you would be put at risk in any way by exposing the sociopath, don’t do it.

One thing you can do is wait. Maybe not take any steps now, and see if you get an opportunity sometime in the future. Maybe a mutual friend will ask, and you’ll have an opportunity to tell the truth. You never know.

I will say that I exposed my sociopathic ex-husband – although it was 5 years after I left him. He’d been found guilty of fraud in our divorce, so I had court documents to back me up. I will admit, I busted him good, and it was glorious. If you want to know more, read my book, Love Fraud.

I recommend you do what’s best for your recovery. Even if you can’t do anything now, maybe you can later.

[neversettle4less]

Donna Andersen Thank you for your response I really appreciate you taking time to read my post. I appreciate you suggesting I read those articles and I will do that. I have watched some of your videos on this site as well as on Youtube and I also listen to your podcasts. All of this has been very helpful in helping me understand sociopathy as well as not feeling alone in what I went through. I feel bad that so many of us have been affected by sociopaths but I’m also truly grateful that you created Lovefraud and this outlet is available to all of us.

I really am trying to work on deep inner healing, dealing with the effects of my C-PTSD, and trying to to find ways of rebuilding myself. I know part of that healing is connection with other survivors and gaining perspective from others that have also been there so that’s why I presented the question here and I am glad I did. I will for now not put my energy or efforts into anything related to him I did that enough and it got me nowhere but hurt. Maybe it’s like you said maybe there will be a chance to warn/tell others about him at another time and if I am asked directly about him then I would and will present the truth when/if that times presents himself.

I will also consider reading your book Lovefraud. Is it available on an audible book? Again I appreciate you reaching out and giving me your feedback. Thanks for all you do Donna!

[freya]

i realize this discussion is a few months old but its still relevant. I have always been fond of the movie, “First Wives Club”- quite satisfying. I am always hoping for ‘woman solidarity’. Why do we so readily give up our power to men undeserving of us? Or at least I have!

Anyhow, my ex has continued to drop by my house when I least expect it- even though I asked him not to stop by anymore. After telling me 5 months ago that he had met someone else, he claimed to have never said that. He variously said that, “he dates lots of women, but they are just friends”, that “we aren’t married, I should stop trying to control him”, that “he loves me so much, he just wanted to wake me up”, that “we should reboot the relationship and gradually get to know each other, again”, that “he had to punish me”. He mentioned “house sitting” at one point. I decided that I had to know what he was up to and with whom. I cannot live with all the sleepless nights of confusion. Eventually, I figured out where he was going most nights, and a few days ago I knocked on that door. I honestly thought he might be house sitting, so I was unprepared for a woman to answer the door! I blurted out, “are you a girlfriend of my ex”? Unsurprisingly, she was suspicious. I explained who I am and why I was there. I did not get much information from her, but she peppered me with questions: when did I see him last? How long did he stay? What did we do? etc. Finally, she asked me for my phone no. and said, “we should talk over coffee, sometime”.

I think she is lucky to have a “heads up”. Even if it doesn’t sink in at the moment, at least she knows, now, how little regard he has for trust, truth and honesty.

The stories, from you all that I am reading in this thread are really hard! I hope everyone of you are on your path to healing. There is a saying that,”whatever does not kill you, makes you stronger”. I am not sure I buy that, but I do think it makes us wiser. Take care of yourselves and happy holiday.

[funluvmusic25]

freya: I think initially we don’t realize we are giving up our power to undeserving men. Instead many of us have unresolved trauma or dysfunctional issues that play a role in our vulnerability. The undeserving men always have an agenda and know precisely how to manipulate us. Because we aren’t wired like they are we don’t recognize their manipulation until we are emotionally hooked. They can say and do some pretty awful stuff, yet they think their robotic apology is all it takes to get us back in their web. There is never “ I’m sorry I hurt you, I apologize for my actions or I should have never said that.” Instead my ex-N said “I apologize, everything is in the past and I’ve moved on. If you can’t accept my apology, that’s on you.” It was that moment that left me cold and I immediately went NC. That was one year and one month ago.

I would agree, our experiences have made us all wiser. Our strength comes one day at a time with cognitive dissonance being the hardest thing to overcome. We miss and long for what we thought they were and a relationship we so desperately wanted. Touching holiday commercial’s sure don’t help at this time of year. Even after a year, if I allow myself I can still get caught up in cognitive dissonance. I hate the fact that they have that kind of power over us.

The path of healing can be a road less traveled, however I’d rather be on that road now than the doormat I once was with my ex-N. We all become stronger and wiser in our solidarity……….thank you for that! Blessed Holidays to All.

[emilie18]

freya — You are being harassed, gaslighted and manipulated by a person absolutely not worthy of your time or energy. He has lied to you, continues to break your boundaries and disrespect your wishes. I am glad you now see him clearly for what he is. I admire your courage for trying to verify if he was lying yet again about house sitting and I can only imagine your shock when the new victim answered. Although she took your number, I would bet she told him you showed up. Be prepared for the repercussions. If she breaks it off, he will blame you. Even if she doesn’t, he is going to be angry with you. He is going to belittle and lie about you. To his way of thinking you were always the fall-back plan. Now you are a danger to him – you know too much. If you haven’t already, protect yourself with security cameras and recording devices. Report his past stalking behaviors. Make sure you have a verifiable trail in case he shows up again.

I think it is human nature to want to warn others, but sometimes it can bite you. After my ex-narc took off, I did a bit of research and figured out who he was living with. I boxed up a bunch of his paperwork and pictures of us and mailed it to the newest victim, addressed to her. I put a letter on top outlining how much he owed me, detailing how he lied and manipulated me, and warned her to be very cautious. She lived in another town about 200 miles away, so he never showed up at my doorstep, thank heavens. She got in touch with me about a year later, sadly after he had done the same thing to her – stealing, lying, gaslighting. When she had shown him the letter he told her I was a chronic liar, mentally unstable and a drunk and he left for his own safety — all a lie. But she believed him – until she finally met me. We sleuthed out his newest victim and tried to warn her, but she flat out told us we were bitter, unlovable hags and delusional (she was a psychologist and rather arrogant). Within a year we heard he had left her, after taking everything he could get. She never did get in touch. Yes, it felt good to be vindicated – but it didn’t accomplish what I wanted – for him to be hurt as bad as he hurt me. These types cannot be hurt – they don’t have the emotional capacity.

Stay strong and resolute and go live the very best life you deserve. The best revenge is success and self-love.

[freya]

Thank you both for your comments. I heard a psychologist remark, recently, that N.P.D. is the ‘secondhand smoke of our day’. So true! Too much exposure to it can make you sick!- Physically as well as mentally. And it feels as though our society is leaning into rewarding people with the bundle of traits that make up N.P.D. I am sorry that you all saw the perpetrators move on from victim to victim seemingly unscathed. I think there has to be some deep, deep personal unhappiness that these people experience. I never saw anyone retreat in fear as suddenly as my ex., when a couple of his longtime students made a tepid complaint about his teaching method. Only compliments allowed! He must be very insecure in a fundamental way.

Have you heard of the longevity guru, Brian Johnson? He dumped his longtime girlfriend when she suffered from breast cancer. I feel for her. The courts sided with him, even though he is clearly sick with N.P.D.! It is so distressing to see that these people are looked up to. There really should be a registry of serial N.P.D. abusers.

My challenge is to stop the ‘thinking loop’. I have considered Psilocybin treatment (legal in my state). MDMA may become legal one of these days and both seem to help people with PTSD. For now, I may try anti-depressants. I badly need a constructive focus for my mental energy. Have you found a therapy that helps?

[funluvmusic25]

freya: I totally agree, there should be a registry for these insecure yet arrogant and pompous personality disorders! They shouldn’t getaway with what they do leaving behind a heap of victims suffering anxiety, stress, physical illnesses and PTSD.

About the time I went NC I had my annual doctor’s appointment. I explained ending a very dysfunctional 8 year long-distance relationship and what I was going through in the aftermath. My issues were anxiety, depression and sleeplessness. He recommended a low dose of Paxil (antidepressant) and I agreed. It has definitely helped my anxiety and depression. Now a year of NC I still wrestle with cognitive dissonance although I don’t seem to dwell on it for any length of time as I once did. So my short answer to keeping my mental health in check is antidepressant’s and exercise at the warm water pool at my local YMCA. It’s become my happy place and I leave all my troubles at the door and don’t carry them with me when I’m done!

However, that brings me to a recent event that happened just yesterday. I have informed delivery so I checked it last night to see what mail I’ll be receiving today. Low and behold there was a card from my ex-N in my impending mail! I tried to plan what I would do with it……..send it back saying “refused” or open it because I’m ever curious. My curiosity won out and I was relieved to find it was a generic holiday card with only his signature. As I mentioned before, he’s lazy so no note or letter or anything else. This tells me he’s casting a wide net to most likely all of his ex’s to see if he gets a bite. Two thoughts I have……send him a New Year’s card thanking him for the holiday card with no other written words and still keeping his phone number blocked OR ignore the whole thing and continue on with NC ??? I’m leaning towards the latter choice. In light of this I feel I’m doing pretty well trying to stay in the present and enjoy the holidays with my family. Yay for me!

I do feel these disordered personalities lead a very insecure, lonely life having no soul.
What a terrible way to live!

[emilie18]

funluvmusic25: Today is Winter Solstice – an ancient holiday associated with returning to the light and new beginnings. So – I would take his stinkin’ card and burn it. But I am petty that way (smile). Definitely ignore it. You are right – he is scatter-shooting to see who nibbles. Don’t give him the satisfaction.

Freya – I am a bit leery of drugs, having grown up in the ’60’s and watched them destroy so many of my friends…but I HAVE been hearing good things about directed therapies with enhancements helping veterans with PTSD. Just be sure you have a very good and experienced therapist with you. What has helped me is keeping a journal, staying busy, traveling and only allowing myself a limited time to ruminate and agonize. And reading all I can about people like me who have gone through this and totally get it, while avoiding those who ask unhelpful questions like “how could YOU have let this happen?” Oh – and chocolate.

Stay strong!

[freya]

Oh Emilie18, I am with you on the chocolate! I happen to be well supplied.

I also grew up with people who abused drugs. Quite a few ruined their health. I managed to avoid the dangerous drugs of my youth and I never liked marijuana until my husband became sick with cancer 10 years ago. I rediscovered it as a sleep aid and it felt like a magic bullet for my insomnia. Unfortunately, there is apparently no free lunch. I developed a tolerance and no longer use it. Now, I sleep very little, although I have tried all the usual recommendations.

Anyhow, enough of my problems. I would ask Funluvmusic25 if the impulse to respond to the Christmas card suggests a still burning ember of hope that the relationship will resume? I know I have to battle the fantasy that my ex will come to my door with flowers, apologies, and explanations. It won’t happen.

Another question for you all: Has anyone resumed dating? How does it feel? Not ready? Daunting? or not so bad?

[funluvmusic25]

emilie18: I too vote for chocolate! And I feel ignoring my ex’s holiday card is the best choice. Continuing on with NC is what I need to do as I only get stronger with each passing month. Why do so many people behave poorly for most of the year, yet feel like Christmas is the time to make amends? I’d bet I was one of many who may have received the same holiday card from him!

freya: in answer to your question, I’m not sure there’s an ember of hope because I know it would just be the same old hamster wheel and frankly I don’t have the energy for anymore of his games. He showed me who he really is and I finally said enough is enough. I think I feel some small victory knowing he is still thinking of me and I’m feeling smug knowing I was not the one to reach out. Instead, he’s become an afterthought to me.

I have not resumed dating and probably the only way I might meet someone is if I hit them and they flew up on the hood of my car……just kidding…..sort of:) I’m not really interested as I age and I haven’t met anyone that fires my burners, if ya know what I mean. Many years ago after my divorce I dated several interesting men, however at that time I was not ready to settle down. I look back with fond memories and no regrets. When I met my ex-N, he approached me and we had instant chemistry. First time in a long time I entertained thoughts of settling down. Honestly, I was blind sighted and glad I dodged a bullet without any financial loss. The only thing I lost is part of my heart and a good amount of time. I’m repairing my heart with self-care and time marches on regardless. So there you have it!

Thanks to both of you for your valuable insight and feedback!

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