Different types of Narcissists?

[freya]

One difficulty I have is this- just as no two people are exactly alike, no two people with narcissistic personality disorder are going to be just alike. I keep reading articles and posts, and I read some things that apply and some that do not- so that injects doubt in my mind. (Maybe I have got it all wrong, and he really means the nice things he says? Maybe he isn’t a bad guy). I have fantasized about hiring someone to follow him just so I can know for certain what he is up to. I won’t, because why would I want to be w someone who makes me resort to those desperate measures?

Anyhow, my guy is not abusive and he does not Rage. He does not put me down, for the most part. He is charming and manipulative. His students think he is some sort of treasure. He is always telling me about the many adult students who want to date him. He doesn’t often yell; he becomes cold when he is angry, or he just ghosts me. So, if I say something he dislikes (and I thought benign), he will become cold and bring it up in every argument for years. If I am 10 mins late, it is some sort of “sign” that I don’t care. If I talk too much to other people at a party, I am inadequately attentive. If I spend too much time with friends, I am not putting him first. If I ruin his “mood”, somehow, shame on me. In 6 years, he has never bought me a gift or anything but a cup of coffee. Oh once he took me to a movie. He has met all my friends, I have never met any of his- because he only has girlfriends! Probably, the most difficult aspect to this relationship has been the gas lighting. He has dated lots of other women but I am the bad guy, somehow? I have always accommodated his work schedule, but now, he tells me he will no longer see me on MY schedule? What!? No idea what he is talking about. He says he likes to “be pursued” and I don’t do enough of that. But if I ask anything of him, “I am controlling”. He is making me Crazy! I think he checks enough boxes to say he has N.P.D. maybe the covert kind?, but I am bedeviled by the thought that his last girlfriend spent 17 years w him. HOW, I keep wondering.

[laylabelle]

Hi Freya,
Wow, this is like reading about my ex.
I found myself researching very early on after he told me he was extremely insecure and suggested he could tell I was patient and private. I know now that those words were ‘ tells’ in the world of grooming.
I found a few articles which led me to Covert narcissism and one called the borderline male by Shari Shcreiber. I believed I found my answer but of course my empathetic nature put me in ‘understanding’ mode and his on and off behaviour stretched out the inevitable ending.

The cup of coffee, me too in twelve years. He was always softly spoken to me too, but critical of others, particularly men, and triangulated me a lot with other women despite claiming to be crazy in love with me. He was gentle too, but passively aggressive if angry, slamming doors, cold stares, and of course would ghost if I ever raised any concerns.
Covert ones I think take longer to suss out because of the poor me and seemingly gentle nature.

Now that I am out I can see exactly word for word, cycle upon cycle that my gut churning uneasiness and questions were founded in reality.
He ghosted again as soon as he had another family drama, and this time I backed off rather than chase for answers. He used that against me, I didn’t pursue him.
Like you, I almost hired a PI, not one day went by without a lie or a contradiction from him and he would always mention at least one other woman who I reminded him of, a ‘slim little thing’ or a ‘Bonny little thing’.

The last time he ghosted I took a long hard look at myself and realised I was being completely controlled by someone who never even gave me a birthday card!

I remember reading the dites and saying oh my god this is him! But I still excused it thinking surely not, surely its me being paranoid, but no, the only thing wrong with me is that I was pursued, groomed and gaslight into oblivion.
Read as much as you can.
Take care.

[emilie18]

Freya: Eight years ago I got involved with a narcissist con man who ended up stealing nearly $10,000 and turning my life upside down. I met him online after the first gentleman friend I had in over 30 years essentially made me a one-night stand. We had dated for 9 months before I went to bed with him, then the next day got a text saying he couldn’t do this anymore. His fear and insecurity got in the way of us. So I looked elsewhere and the first man I found turned out to be the conman. I was completely taken in and lovebombed and believed all his many lies, and then slowly was disregarded, disrespected and dumped – but not until he took everything he could. When I discovered his side bimbo I finally figured it out and confronted him. He, of course, denied everything, told me I was crazy and moved into the RV we had bought (with my money). I tried to recoup my losses, but his threats were real and very scary, so I went no contact. He disappeared with my RV, owing me a ton of money.

I had maintained a casual friendship with the first guy and he was instrumental in helping me heal. Again I waited about a year before we took it to the next level. This time he didn’t run. I have been dating him for 6 years now. It wasn’t always ideal – he was kind, and nice enough, and we had fun together, but he gradually got more and more controlling. If I didn’t do what he wanted he would go silent until I apologized. If he apologized it was always back-handed – “sorry you misunderstood”, “sorry you reacted that way”. He cut off all sex after I confronted him about my wants and needs and expectations (after he cold-shouldered me for a week when I had the audacity to make a side stop on the way back from shopping!), but continued to call, flirt, talk dirty, take me out, go shopping with me, cuddle on the couch, expected me to check his house when he was gone and pick up his mail – so I fully expected him to resume the sexual part of our relationship after he got over his snit. That was a year ago. But he didn’t. Instead, after I came back from a 3 week trip, he announced he was dating a good friend of mine! I tried to go no contact but he kept calling me, texting, emailing, begging me to continue to be his “BFF”, claiming we had broken up a year ago and both were free to date. In what world does calling someone three times a day, flirting, making sexual comments, telling them he misses them, constitute “breaking up”? I tried to explain this, telling him I could not be the other woman, ever, especially since his new fling was a good friend, and I could never be his friend – or hers – again. His response “you have no idea how you are punishing me.” My response “I am setting clear boundaries.” And I went full no contact.

One of my friends asked me what the difference was between the conman and him. I had to think about that. He never stole from me, or made up stories, or lied to me, but yes, there were some similarities. So I looked up ‘covert narcissism.’ The article I found said they might do any of the following:

• Display a lack of empathy for the feelings, thoughts, and needs of others
• Use guilt trips and shame to control others
• Expect others to care for them or solve their problems
• Gaslighting behaviors, such as being critical but making it sound like it is coming from a place of concern
• Take advantage of other people’s vulnerabilities
• Dismiss or deny other people’s feelings, emotions, or experiences
• Respond to others with passive-aggressive behaviors
Yes, He did a lot of this, but was very subtle. He never took any responsibility for his behavior, expected people to do things the way HE wanted, and if they didn’t cut them off (I watched him do this to two friends!). He didn’t want to hear about any emotional issues or sadness and changed the subject quickly if I brought anything upsetting up, made all of our disagreements seem to be my fault, used backhanded apologies, expected pay back. He criticized my behaviors but never changed his. As long as I did what he wanted, he was fine. If I challenged him or did things my way, he gave me the silent treatment until I gave in and called him – then he said he had to call me 90% of the time and obviously I didn’t care about him enough. (I work full time – he was retired!) If I suggested someplace to go on the weekend, he invariably called me the day before to cancel claiming he was sick. But if he suggested things to do all was OK. He had to be in control of everything. And, again, like with the conman, I ate it up, thought he adored me, took the good and let the bad be excused – until I had enough. Both times it took them actually cheating on me to wake me up.

So yes – both were narcissists – just on different ends of the spectrum. In ways dealing with a lying, cheating, scheming, cold-hearted con was easier than dealing with a kind, considerate, sweet, adoring (on his terms) selfish twit. With the first it was easy to harden my heart. He stole from me – money, dignity, self-respect. With the second I am having to remind myself of the negatives over and over again, and keep my boundary lines very much in the front my mind all the time.

[freya]

Well, Lalabelle and Emilie,

We have had similar experiences! Those bullet points all look familiar!
One of the odd characteristics about my ex. is that he prides himself on the size of his savings. He loves to boast that he “made it” in America. He watches investment programs obsessively, and believes he is very clever to have all this money. Yet, he unabashedly tells “friends” (by which I mean female admirers) that he cannot afford to go out if he has to pay. I am pretty sure that the birthday cards he gave me were freebies that he picked up somewhere. I have never met a guy who expected the woman to pay for everything and also wanted to control the circumstances. Example: So, I offer to pay for an out of town trip. I pay for the reservation. He looks over the plan and says, “NO, when I travel, I travel in style. I want a reservation at THIS hotel!” (more expensive, of course). I gave up on the plan.

Ultimately, I am going to a therapist to understand why I find it so hard to let go of relationships- even when they are damaging. Maybe, you folks feel the same. It is a kind of little death. Yet, my resolve to end it has quieted all the gut wrenching. My “gut” has been telling me for a long time that something is terribly wrong. Distress has left me w insomnia. I plan to feel better soon! I Hope you all are feeling better about yourselves and about life.

[Jan7]

Hi Freya, what most victims of abuse do not realize is they are in a abusive relationship.

How is this possible that a victim of abuse cant tell they are being emotionally & mentally abused?

Simple, victims of abuse are not educated on what IS abuse.

⭐️Did you know the bulk of domestic abuse IS EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, VERBAL (not yelling so much but, rather manipulation) and FINACIAL ABUSE. read this statment again!!

Typically physical abuse does not occur until the victim is about to leave or has just left her abusers.

Why do women stay in abusive relationship = many reasons including simply believing domestic abuse is only physical abuse. which it is not.

DO YOU KNOW FREYA THAT MANIPULATION IS EMOTIONAL, MENTAL & VERBAL ABUSE?

Most do not realize this.

PLEASE look up your countries ⭐️National domestic violence website and read “WHAT IS ABUSE” and everything on their site.

Lookup ⭐️’THE DOMESTIC ABUSE POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL” (this explains the cycle of abuse…first honeymoon stage, then mention building stage, then abuse, then honeymoon, then tention building stage then abuse over and over. Sometimes their abuse can just be one day out of 30 (usually in the begining of the relationship when they are training their victims to doing everything they want, training their victims to jump thru all of their hoops). other times this cycle of abuse can happen all day long or 100’s of times a month.

Why do abusers do this training of their victims?

To HAVE FULL CONTROL OVER THEIR VICTIMS.

What do all abusers want?

Power and control over all victims and their money, car, home, etc

How do they do this without the vicitms family member or friends alerting the victim of what the abuser is doing?

The isolate their victims from their family and friends. They do this slowly in the beginnig. Maybe talking on the phone for hours and hours or texting all day so that you cant spend time with your family. Or telling you that you have to spend all your time with them.

EVERYTHING this guy is making you do IS TO CONTROL YOU & HAVE POWER OVER YOU.

Do you know you are in a emotional, mental and verbally abusive relationship Freya??

ASK YOUR SELF EVERY DAY “AM I IN A EMOTIONAL, MENTAL ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP? read this statement again please!!

Read everything here on lovefraud this is a god sent site full of educational articles and support.

PLEASE ALSO REACH OUT TO YOUR NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE AND TALK WITH A FREE COUNSELOR!!

IN THE USA THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC HOTLINE WEBSITE AND THEIR NUMBER IS 800-799-SAFE

Ask the free hotline counselor for your local abuse center phone number and make a appointment with a FREE counselor and ask if they have women group meetings that will help you realize that YES YOU ARE IN A VERY EMOTIONAL, MENTAL & VERBAL ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

💙I am sooo proud of you Freya for having the courage to post here on LF. This was incredibly brave of you and POWERFUL…you are making steps out of this abusive relationship. !!! 💙💪

watch Donna Anderson (site creator of lovefraud) videos at the top and on you tube. MAKE SURE YOU DELETE YOUR COMPUTER HISTORY. If you have a trusted friend or family member ask them for help out too.

ASK THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC HOTLINE FOR HELP WITH A DOMESTIC ABUSE SAFETY & EXIT PLAN OUT of this abusive relationship.

THIS EXIT & SAfety plan is extremely important as the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is when she is about to leave her abuser or has just left her abuser.

PLEASE MAKE SURE THAT YOU DO NOT TELL YOUR ABUSER WHO HE IS FOR YOUR SAFETY. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO BIT YOUR TONGUE TO STAY SAFE. Most abuser interntionally pick fights to cause chaos and stress their vicitms out to have control over their victims. so look after your health and if he wants to pick a fight go to the bathroom or take a shower etc to get away from him without him realizing what you are doing.

look up Donna’s articles on the following here on lovefraud;

1) cognitive dissonance

(this is where you are confused if he is a “good person” or a “bad person” this is caused by all the love bombing in the beginning of the relationship and all the brain washing training he has done to you. THe good news is you can heal from this.

every time you think he is a “good person” focus on ALL the bad things he has done to you. If you are in a safe place write everything bad he has done to you or others down to train your brain to see the TRUTH of his evil ways.

2) sociopath smear campaign

3) sociopath triangulation

4) sociopath blame shifting

5) sociopath pity me manipulation

6) lovefraud

if you are in a safe place or can send things to a trust family/friends home buy Donna’s books see top of lovefraud.

KEEP READING EVERYTHING HERE…WE HEAR YOU…WE ARE HERE FOR YOU HON!!

KEEP VENTING HERE.

wishing you all the best. take care.

SENDING YOU HUGE HUGS FREYA!! 💙💙💙 Im so glad you had the strenght & courage to post here. keep posting.

[freya]

Thankyou, Jan7 for your very thorough response.
I am pretty good at thinking negatively about this man- until he shows up at my door all sweet and adoring.
But I am hardening my heart and spending more time with my female friends with whom I feel emotionally safe and appreciated.

[Jan7]

Freya, you’re welcome.

look up here are lovefraud:

gray rock method

no contact rule (follow this rule)

if he comes to your home dont answer the door…if he calls you dont answer but, better just block him

These evil types will keep trying to wear down their vicitms to take them back or stay “friends” with you so that they can come back and abuse you & con you out of things. its all a game to them.

This is why blocking them gives you time to clear your mind from all the brain fog they create and allow your nerve system to calm down from all the chaos & stress he has created.

Its a good plan to focus on your health. Most victims of abuse suffer from PTSD and one part of healing that is to heal the adrenal glands. look up adrenal fatigue yt vid & articles. this is very common for abuse victims to have stressed their adrenal glands out because of the stress they were under at the hands of their abusers.

a good clean diet, plenty of rest and relaxation & sleep plus B complex vitamins (see dr wilson’s you tube vids on adrenal fatigue and also dr bergs) and most importantly getting the toxic person out of your life heals the adrneal glands.

there are many diets that help to flood the body with much needed vitamins & minerals such as keto diet see you tube chans Dr berg, Dr eckberg and carnviore diet see dr ken berry, Shawn baker md podcast, nutritionwith judy, kelly hogan, home stead how…many like myself got back and forth between keto and carnivore diet.

Your library has books on these and many more.

Keep reading Donna’s articles here on lovefraud. This will help open your mind from his mind control (aka brain washing)…yep they literally do this this is why they keep calling & coming around so that you dont open your mind up and see them for who they really are = pure evil.

Take care.

[Author]

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