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Yes, it does get better, but first you have to die. This is paraphrasing Gloria Steinem, but I don’t remember the exact quote. To be brief, you have not suffered enough. Since you gave so much at the beginning, I am surmising that you are a codependent, somebody who puts other people’s needs first. Codependents are the other side of the coin of narcissists. You have one of two choices at birth in a dysfunctional family, be a “giver” or be a “taker.” You are a giver, the goal being to obtain acceptance, love, self-esteem, all characteristics a codependent lacks. By nature “givers” pair off with “takers,” and takers take until there is not even the possibility of exhaustion. Meaning, they will be with you, taking, until they find a better choice, or they join “choices.” The lie and manipulate as second nature. They can’t change. Their brains (and yours, who surely had a bad childhood yourself) are “deformed” in ways that can’t be transformed. Codependents aka givers will benefit from therapy and eventually will heal only if they are committed to learn 24/7, investing all resources in the best of therapy. The heart takes only so much. Yours is probably 75% used up at the moment. Some people take back the “taker” until their hearts are 100% used up. Then they look after themselves. That’s what happened to me. Don’t wait that much, though. You must enjoy life asap. Good luck!
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Sorry I missed your present situation. This is the part Steinem meant “first you have to die.” Only after going thru hell will you grow to the point of start respecting yourself. Go to a shelter, protect yourself, do not go out after dark, post pone sex until you find a nice person and read and listen to youtube. Do look for a job every single day. And no, having a roof while living with a psychopath could mean death tomorrow, or physical violence, of emotional vulcanos. You don’t go back to those people, even if your roof is an umbrella. You need therapy; look for women centers. You need self-esteem and dignity. You are good enough to have a decent life without depending from an abuser, on your own. Others do, so you can too. Bear the pain, bear the bad thoughts, apply yourself not to drink or party, be inside a safe room at dark. This is a journey that has many steps; this is a test. Do you want to get better? It has a price.
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notlongnow,
YES, it can get MUCH better. Your life can be secure, safe, and it can be worth living. It means putting yourself first. It means not giving up. It means applying yourself and seeking support (as you have done by coming here).
I can ‘hear’ the despair you are going through, and I completely relate. I lost my job, and lots of money getting out of the relationship I was in. It was completely depressing, and I felt like I would never have a stable, better life.
But in fact I did. It TOOK WORK. One, I stayed out of any relationship. Two, I went to couseling. Three, I found work, and did my best to do my best! Four, I tried to stay away from anyone I did not trust.
As well I tried to sleep, eat as well as I could (I was SO not hungry). I read EVERYTHING I could on abuse, narcissists, getting out of abusive relationships, and healing.
It took years to be honest. It really did. But my life is truly good again, better than it ever was. Secure, with friends, stable housing, rest, peace of mind.
You can have these things. You have to WANT it. You have to take every day as it comes, taking baby steps toward your future. You have to focus on building your life EVERY day.
Keep coming here to get support. We have all been through hell and back. There is so much support and learning here at Lovefraud.
Take good care, Slim
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slim- good advice.
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