Does sharing stories weaken your resolution of NC?

[funluvmusic25]

Hi everyone, Just a quick question …..…..after all of our posts sharing stories of our ex-N’s do you ever find this leaves you remembering and longing for the so-called good times with your ex? I’m almost 10 months no contact, so I may not be as removed as some, yet I must admit there are times I feel I get “soft” and go back to the initial, love bombing stages of my relationship.

When I finally realized none of my N’s promises would ever come to fruition and my last conversation with my N was so disrespectful I left the relationship, blocked him and have not been in contact since, yet I still have my moments. I believe it was emillie18 who posted her thoughts on leaning into and remembering our experience of love. For me, that can be a slippery slope. As much as I appreciate my open heart it can trip me up sometimes. As we lean into our experience the reality is it was fake love on the part of our narc.

As much as the love-fraud site finds strength in numbers there are times I feel I have to distance myself. Sometimes the out of sight, out of mind works better for me. Have you ever had to take a break from this site? All of the stories amaze me at how narcs are so similar. Even in their most intimate relations we can see how they all wield their control in one way or another.

I so appreciate the strong women I’ve encountered on this site and truly feel many of us would be very good friends if we ever had the chance to meet, like the annual convention of survivors I previously mentioned:) Any thoughts you could share is greatly appreciated. Blessings.

[polestar]

Hi funluvmusic – I have been posting on the LoveFraud forum for many years now. However I did take a break ( can’t remember exactly how many years – maybe 1 or 2 ) because I realized that I had co dependency issues that I didn’t realize I had before and needed the time to work on my co dependency. I explained that to everybody on the forum, and the ” regulars ” at that time were so kind and offered me words of encouragement and told me how much they had appreciated my posts. Then I felt ready to return and have been posting ever since. Through the years I have seen many forum members come and go. In every case that I have seen of those who have left, they just stopped posting. This has always been OK with me and for those who I felt like I really got to know, I still feel a friendship in my heart for them and remember them fondly. The reason that I love to post is that I think that narcissistic abuse syndrome is such a devastating problem and without knowledge and support, it is almost impossible to escape from. I admire those who have You Tube Channels and I gain a lot from them, but alas, I do not have public speaking talents. I like you ( from what I understand about your history – correct me if I am wrong ) was brought up in a narcissistic/sociopathic home. For me, I was made to shut up etc etc, so I didn’t develop my speaking voice in terms of being able to say what I thought on the spot. I always needed to think things through first, so being able to post works best for me in order to contribute. Yet, this forum serves an important purpose, because many times people who are caught in narcissistic binds really need personal validation and responses that they can’t get from a book or a You Tube. To address your question about the ” Slippery Slope ” of remembering the euphoria from the Love Bomb stage, in which there is the danger of the temptation of reconnecting with the narc – I understand your point completely. I think after going No Contact, when a person is still trauma bonded, there is that danger. And being safe needs to be the number 1 priority. So almost all guides recommend to steer clear of all euphoric memories. No Contact is so important ( and if not possible then Grey Rock ) and this cannot be put in any kind of peril. For me, after that was accomplished, I personally needed to think deeply about what had occurred in the relationship and to be able to couple my experiences with the names of the narc’s techniques like Gaslighting etc. A block I ran into was Cognitive Dissonance – the love ( even if it was coming from me ) verses the abuse. So I figured a way to resolve that for my own peace. But this stage of healing if even necessary would need to be done after much distance has already been achieved. Anyway, I have appreciated your insightful posts very much. Blessings to you

[funluvmusic25]

Hi polestar, I have come to really appreciate your logical and common sense approach to dealing with the issues of a relationship with a narcissist. As you stated, you may not have public speaking talents as a result of your past, yet the silver lining is that you have to process and think about what you want to say which is so helpful to others like myself!

I grew up in an alcoholic, abusive home where I became, at a very young age, the surrogate mother for my siblings. I was uber responsible and even a bit rigid knowing I would never have that experience again when I was old enough to control my own path. My marriage, even though it ended in divorce after 24 years, was more of the “Leave it to Beaver” type of household. I’m proud to say, I broke the abusive cycle for my son and my grandson, yet I can now see how I attracted a narcissist with my propensity to be loved in a more gentle way. My ex-N pretended he could provide that for me. This is where the trauma bond and cognitive dissonance comes into play as I try to maintain no contact. My ex-N was very understanding of my past (or so I thought) and when my mother passed and I was grieving everything that came up from my past he quietly listened while I sobbed over the phone. I thought he truly loved me ……until he didn’t. I think he was very careful not to allow his mask to slip……until it did. This is not to say there weren’t red flags I should have paid attention to, but the love I wanted in return was too great to fight the red flags. I also think given my past I never thought I deserved more and I developed a high tolerance for bad behavior. I was also unknowingly addicted to chaos so every strange habit the N created fed my addiction.

Much later in therapy I made the discovery that my parents were indeed narcissists using me for their own needs. I was not the biological daughter of my mother’s husband even though she led him to believe he was the father during her pregnancy with me. I was the only brown-eyed brunette in the family. Even outsiders commented I looked nothing like my three younger siblings. He always threw that up in their many arguments and physical beatings towards my mother. Being the oldest I took the brunt of his abuse in order to protect my siblings, yet I was the feisty one in the family that stood up to him. I might have been told to shut up, yet I never did. I ended up having a love/ hate relationship with my mother for not protecting us and removing us from him, yet feeling sorry for her every time he beat her. Many years later, once I was divorced and felt safe and with the help of my therapist, I confronted both of them – my mother for never sharing any information about my biological father and her husband for the secret sexual abuse. So now they were both exposed. Typical – he denied it or didn’t remember saying he was drunk and she didn’t believe me saying I had ruined their golden years. Fast forward to when they passed away…….I did not and could not attend his funeral. He only had her at his graveside funeral ceremony at the VA grounds. Prior to my mother’s passing I could not turn away and helped with everything before her passing. She struggled transitioning in death and a hospice volunteer listened to all of her struggles. Her very last words to me before she passed was, “I love you” and I was able to tell her the same. I confided all of this to my ex-N and have tears as I type this.

Perhaps, this site is cathartic in many ways. I’ll try to soak up the support and also concentrate on helping others when I can……maybe that will help lessen my thoughts about the euphoric love I experienced with my ex-N. Please know you have helped me in so many ways! I may have just come to my own Ah, ha moment about whether or not I need to take a break. Thank you for your kindness and your logic, polestar! Blessing to you too!

[polestar]

Hi funluvmusic – thank you so much for sharing your story and what you went through with your recent Ex. Know that I am taking it all in and processing and will post as soon as my take and understandings have bubbled up for you.

[polestar]

Hi funluvmusic – It seems that you have been fulfilling the mothering role for so many for so long – even for your mother before she died. You gained in many ways from doing and providing this loving care to others because you developed emotional intelligence, empathy and emotional strength and maturity. Still, there was a part of yourself where there was a hole where you were not the receiver of that necessary life need and component. That is why your recent experience with your ex was so devastating – it seemed at last there was someone actually there for you to depend upon emotionally. When that was abruptly pulled away, it was necessarily so painful in a deep way. And understandable that you would want it back so profoundly. I just can’t give your ex credit for perceiving the need consciously and using it to manipulate you – but on some level he did. Maybe by information you provided when you were just getting to know him. I’ve heard about this again and again – that the narcs will listen carefully to see where they can gain inroads to the target’s psychological self so as to be able to manipulate them further down the road. I think there would have been many if they were in your position who would have succumbed to your ex’s strategies, and not have been able to exit with the kind of strength that you did. I don’t think he was counting on that. But as I said before, you had already gained much emotional strength and intelligence from all you gave to others, and that was a bedrock for you to stand upon when the going got rough. Your character definitely comes shining through in your posts.

[funluvmusic25]

Hi polestar, Your response is so moving and insightful that, similar to you, I want to process it all before I fully reply to you. Thank you for your insight that is so helpful and kind. I will get back to you later.

[funluvmusic25]

Hi polestar, First let me tell you your insight amazes me! You have a way of weaving everything together to make perfect sense. You would be a great therapist given your clarity and empathy. I agree, I have been mothering for a very long time. Even when I was married my husband, although he was a good father and provider, was very immature and child-like at times. My son’s friends used to think he was hilarious and my son to this day will kiddingly say I was the “no fun” mom. Someone had to be responsible and of course with my background I filled that role well. When my ex-husband initiated our divorce I was devastated. My idea of a “white picket fence”marriage had been blown to smithereens. Most of my friends said I’d be fine because throughout my marriage I took care of everything. No surprise, right?!

Although I never entertained the thought of getting married again, when my ex-N started talking of our future it somehow became appealing to me. Yes, he exploited the the things regarding my past that I confided in him. He pretended to be the one to fill the hole I had. I’ve always been an open book and very forthright with myself…….my ex-N used to kid me and say “ I was easy.” He would preface it by saying “it’s a good thing” and praise me for being so honest. It was something he knew he could never aspire to. I didn’t realize until much later what that really meant for him……to use everything against me and manipulate and pull the puppet strings. Even though I never wanted to remarry, as I age I’d very much like a significant other in my life. I thought he was everything that I needed. I grieve the loss of the person I thought he was and the future he created. I looked forward to actually caring for someone…….old habits are ingrained, aren’t they?! Although I have my son, daughter-in-law and grandson as well as good friends in my life, that “person” is still missing…….the hole I’ve been trying to fill. I am very grateful for the characteristics I’ve developed in spite of my past, yet my ex-N will never be the benefactor of these qualities. I always thought he was a bit childish and immature. It was almost laughable at times, yet it came across as boyishly charming. Much as he tried he could not fake his way through…….his mask finally slipped. I have no idea why this time it finally clicked for me. You’re right, he never saw it coming. That is my saving grace in my healing – I took away the power he thought he had over me. I vow I will not give the power back to him!

I will read your post many times over as it gives me so much strength. I know I’m strong and very resilient, yet it always helps hearing it from someone else’s perspective, especially someone who isn’t trying to manipulate me. You have my thanks and gratitude for your kindness. Blessing to you.

[funluvmusic25]

Hi polestar, I thought I would share an interesting side story from my past. In her later years, much after her husband passed, my mother was able to share some information about my biological father. Although it was like pulling teeth, I think she finally realized my need to know. I had come across a story on tv about a genealogy investigator and contacted her with the little information I had obtained. Driven by her own guilt, my mother offered to pay for the investigators services. By this time I was at peace with the fact that he was most likely deceased, but any information I could obtain was so valuable to me.

The investigator readily found his information, some pictures in both his younger and
older years, his family information , etc. He passed away at the age of 77 and sadly any family members (his wife and their only child, a daughter) had also passed away. From everything I obtained I knew that had he known my mother was pregnant with his child he would have loved me and included me into his family. I later obtained his death certificate, so I also had valuable information as to the cause of his death. We obtained the information in March and my mother passed away in July of that same year. It truly brought me so much peace. it was one last gift before she passed that may have made her transition so much easier. As I’ve said before , I had a love/ hate relationship with my mother, yet I could not turn away from her in her time of need.

It was amazing how much my biological father resembled my son in his younger years. Now I know where my dark hair and eyes came from and with aging my hair has turned a beautiful shade of silver so much like my father’s in his later years. We also shared some medical issues which factored into my father’s death, yet with modern technology I do not have to suffer the same fate. In essence, my complicated past does have this bright spot and I cherish that tremendously.

I know we all share stories from our past that are not necessarily “picture perfect,” yet these pieces are the fabric of our unique quilts. They help weave all of our strengths and we can truly be proud of that! Thank you for listening and to everyone who reads this, thank you for sharing your stories and your healing journey.

[polestar]

Hi funluvmusic – the issue that you faced and overcame and helped your mother with so she could die in peace was – Shame. Her husband used shame about your not being his biological daughter to abuse your mother constantly, and it was put on you too because your coloring was different than the other children and I am sure that you got a lot of fall out from what went on between your mother and her husband. So by finding out all the information about your biological father you were standing up to the insinuation that something was wrong with you because you were able to acknowledge that this was indeed your father and that you have real roots and that there is nothing wrong with you and you were able to transfer that consciousness to your mother who had been so beaten down by shame so she could also feel good about herself. You both were able to take the secret out of the closet and talk about it. So that is another demonstration of your strength of character not to allow yourself to be victimized by psychological abuse. I had a similar situation regarding shame about my very being – who I was and am. The family ( my great aunt and uncle ) who brought me up since I was seven ( who I recently wrote about responding to neversettle4less’s post), actually took me to live with them illegally. My ” mom ‘ commanded me to never tell anyone that I was adopted. The truth is that I was never adopted because they were unable to do so and they could have gotten into trouble if anyone found out – but I didn’t know that and I thought that I shouldn’t tell anyone because it was such a horrible shame to be adopted ( nowadays it is not an issue, but when I was little I think there was a stigma about it ). So I carried this shameful secret not even telling my best friends. Finally I did tell my very first true love. We were so close and I didn’t want a horrible secret to come between us so one day I told him that I had something important to confide and when I told him that I was adopted, his reaction was like I let him know that I liked cream in my coffee. It was just nothing. This was so freeing to me – that it was not a big deal at all and not a horrible shameful secret. So I am so glad that you had the courage to investigate about your father and thus free yourself and your mother. Thank you for sharing and it helped me also about this issue. Blessings

[funluvmusic25]

polestar; Thank you for your insight and for sharing your story. Yes, it was all about shame. I never felt I fit in. Not only looking differently, but witnessing the police coming to our house to intervene a domestic I was very ashamed that my neighborhood friends would look at me differently. In my mind “normal” households didn’t experience these events. As an adult I still didn’t feel I always fit in. I so desperately was trying to fill that empty hole that was etched in my brain. With that, I believed the only way I could survive was if I could fully control my destiny……..my family, my choices, etc. Funny, when I met my ex-N I think I found freedom in the ability to confide in him and let down my guard and my control. My world, or so I thought, became lighter and more free. Unbeknownst to me he was cleverly manipulating full control over me. Making the decision to exit the relationship without warning gave me back my control. I now realize I don’t have to control things with the people in my life that I truly trust. In hindsight, I’m very proud of the fact I was not my mothers’ husband’s biological child. I wear it as a badge of honor and strength! My mother had three other children with her husband. My younger brother went down the road of alcoholism and passed away at the age of 52 from MS. The youngest sibling dabbled in drugs to make up for lost time as she was only 16 years old when she was diagnosed with kidney disease. She had a kidney transplant with its share of complications, yet she was able to graduate high school on time with her class. She went on to have kidney rejection, a stroke and sadly passed away from Sepsis at the age of 24. My only living sibling is also a narcissist. We’ve been estranged for many years and I cannot go back to my role as caretaker for her. By the grace of god, I somehow got out of that household without repeating the cycle.

I have finally come to a place where I feel like I fit in and can tell my story without shame. I still have a hard time accepting compliments, but I’m working on that! Come to find out even so-called “ normal” families have their share of dysfunction.

Polestar, I’m so happy you found someone that you truly loved to share your “secret” with. Expecting one reaction and receiving a calm matter of fact reaction must have really surprised you after being instructed to keep this secret under wraps. It can be so confusing when the adults or parents that we are supposed to be able to trust manipulate everything in such a self serving way. Back in the day adoption, especially of a close family member was unheard of so there were always secrets. I have heard stories of my aunts being sent away to “homes” when they experienced unintentional pregnancies. Now we have so many open door policies for people wanting to adopt or use surrogates or have two same sex parents. Thank goodness we’re not in the Stone Age any more!

Being able to tell our stories aside from our relationships with our disordered partners helps weave everything together so we have a better understanding of why we might be such an easy target. I truly think our strengths help us heal. Blessings.

[polestar]

Just a quick adjustment – the whole thing was more sinister than an unwanted pregnancy because my mother was married to my father when I was born. The sickness was that after my mother’s divorce, she got into drugs ( sadly ) and I was living with my grandparents and her brother. Then my grandmother died but my uncle and I were being taken care of by a nanny when my grandfather was at work. But my great aunt took the opportunity to obtain me as she was severely psychologically sick and my grand uncle wouldn’t allow her to have rage fits against his kids so they needed a scapegoat and convinced my grandfather how much they could do for me cause they were wealthy and he didn’t want to let me go but they convinced him by future faking, and the rest was history. So the sickness of the whole situation even til recently with my “ brother “ was just overwhelmingly psycho sick. How I got out of that sociopathic fog is just a miracle. Thanks for reading this.

[polestar]

PS – “ unwanted pregnancies “ are definitely not sinister ! Not what I meant at all by the way.

[funluvmusic25]

Polestar; I’m so sorry if I misinterpreted your situation. I now understand your story and apologize if it brought up any painful memories. Yes, it was more sinister in nature and totally orchestrated by your great aunt. Your great uncle enabled her and unfortunately you were their scapegoat. The drugs and deaths in your family had to be so painful for you as a confused young child. No wonder you felt isolated. Thank goodness for miracles – you are a survivor.

And no, I’m not taking it that unwanted pregnancies are sinister at all. When my aunts were sent to “homes” for unwed mothers it was to escape embarrassment for the family and to hide their pregnant daughters until their babies could be adopted. After the births they returned home like nothing had happened…..they explained it by “they were visiting a relative out of town.” Secrets……..nothing but secrets.

Again, my apologies polestar if any of my post was painful for you. It was not my intention at all.

[polestar]

Not at all painful in the least ! You have been so understanding and kind. I usually try to keep my posts from being too long and try to keep to essentials. I realized that I had left out an important ingredient so you couldn’t know what I didn’t tell about. You have surely given me space to tell things that have been cathartic in the telling. I thank you truly!

[funluvmusic25]

Polestar; Thank you for the clarification….I’m grateful. Although my posts get very long-winded at times, I’m always happy to provide space for you to continue to tell your story. I admire your ability to keep your posts short sticking to the essentials. I would like to aspire to that too. Perhaps my goal going forward…..lol! I always look forward to your perspective. You have a way of getting right to the point offering an abundance of clarity. Thank you for that!

[polestar]

Welcome !

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