Does your heart fully recover?

[need2heal]

I’m 4 years out from a devastating break up with my ex N and am currently in a relationship with a wonderful man. He believes he’s found the love of his life after looking for me his whole life. He is completely genuine and adores me. He’s everything my ex wasn’t! I love him and can see us together for a very long time but I’m concerned that my heart will never love again like it once did. I was ridiculously in love with my ex, gave him my heart and soul on a silver platter, and his cruel, ridiculing, demeaning discard of me following the mind games and undermining of my self esteem during our relationship left my heart frozen like the iceberg that took down the Titanic.

I’ve had 2 other relationships before this one, both long distance, which didn’t help, and I saw red flags in both of them. They lasted 6 and 7 months, respectively, before I ended them. I am only a bit over 3 months into this one although we knew each other for a couple of years before we started dating. This one feels right and there have been no red flags!

I have not been able to feel that “in love” feeling since my N and I’m beginning to believe I never will because of how badly damaged he left me. The walls I built around my heart seem to be solid and permanent. I can love but not be “in love.” I’m also skeptical of myself until we can get past that 7 months mark. Maybe if we can continue this good path for longer than that it will help restore my trust in my own decisions about a partner and help remove those walls.

Is it possible?

[emilie18]

Yes, it is possible. I am now four years into a relationship with a sweet, gentle, kind man. I still don’t feel that overwhelming surge of emotion I did with the narc, but I DO feel happy, comfortable, at ease, calm and grateful. The intense, overwhelming emotions you felt with your previous relationship are signs of lovebombing and oxytocin overload – and they never last. They aren’t meant to – the human body could not withstand such a long-time surge of hormones! Long term love is very different. Don’t fret over what you don’t feel – rejoice in what you do.

I found this poem just after I met my new guy and it says it all, I think:

Love’s Coming By Ella Wheeler Wilcox

She had looked for his coming as warriors come,
With the clash of arms and the bugle’s call;
But he came instead with a stealthy tread,
Which she did not hear at all.

She had thought how his armor would blaze in the sun,
As he rode like a prince to claim his bride:
In the sweet dim light of the falling night
She found him at her side.

She had dreamed how the gaze of his strange, bold eye
Would wake her heart to a sudden glow:
She found in his face the familiar grace
Of a friend she used to know.

She had dreamed how his coming would stir her soul,
As the ocean is stirred by the wild storm’s strife:
He brought her the balm of a heavenly calm,
And a peace which crowned her life.

[polestar]

Hi needtoheal – There are different kinds of love. What Emilie said was accurate about the surge of emotion thing. The love bombing stage of a relationship with a narc. In those abusive relationships there is so much drama and anxiety, and despair that turns into relief when the intermittent moments arrive, creates a huge emotional roller coaster that becomes highly addictive. If you talk to most addicts who have become sober in any way that was previously their addiction, they would tell you that “ normal “ life could never match that intensity of their addiction. Yet they could see that it was also destroying them. There are many women who are in physically abusive relationships who don’t leave because they believe that they are “ in love “. But when we consider love, we must be like a connesuer of fine wine. Not like the alcoholic who needs their fix and will guzzle the cheapest wine right in the parking lot outside of the mini mart to get their high. Love is in our heart and we need to become very fine tuned to it’s beauty and subtlety. Beautiful people help us get in touch with it and in a good relationship we do the same for the other. Even in “ normal “ relationships, there is a honeymoon stage that is also fleeting, but couples can grow deeper into an intimacy that brings a deeper kind of love. Plus love is something that can grow and make your life more wonderful than you even imagined and would far surpass the addictive love cycle that is present in abuse. Now you have become more emotionally mature due to your experience, and are able to look at the bigger picture. You have become wiser too. So it is correct to look at the current person who you are dating in a more critical manner. Evaluate the different nuances of their character, talk about life goals that each of you have to see if they match up ( like if you both want children and if so how many ) or if your other interests correlate. Read books about these kinds of things. You don’t need to feel like you need to make a commitment at this early stage. He is made it clear that he has made a commitment to you, but you need to take your time and not feel pressured. There was wisdom in the old days of “ courtship “ when women were given the space to think and feel and decide. Nowadays, it is almost expected that a commitment needs to be rushed into …. or else ! …. the threat is that you will “ loose “ the person. That does go on in a way that we aren’t even aware of it. I don’t believe that you are not capable of loving deeply. You had a bad experience but do not allow that to make you loose confidence in your loving heart which is more than capable of healing and beginning again. Wisdom is the other side of the coin of love – the two cannot be separated – though Narcs definitely try to do so in the cruelest manner. So accept your wisdom and let it help guide you to the best person for you to build a life with.
Blessings

[Donna Andersen]

emilie18 – love the poem! So true!

[Donna Andersen]

need2heal- yes, absolutely, there is love after sociopaths. I met my husband a little over a year after my divorce from the sociopathic ex. We’ve been together for 19 years, and just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary. We are still happy and very much in love.

The key deciding to heal your heart. Notice I said, “deciding.” The best emotional recovery is an active process. It involves consciously deciding to address your emotional wounds so that you can recover. We have some webinars on it. Plus I’ve just come out with the final book in the Best of the Lovefraud Blog series, and it’s on recovery. It might help you!

Recovery from the Sociopath

[polestar]

Hi need2heal – I was thinking more about your situation, and I wanted to ad something to what I said in my last post. That is that love is truly a mystery. I don’t think any of us can claim to have all the answers about it. But I know that in ancient times they had different words for different types of love. I think that is why the story of Guenivere and King Arthur has had such a universal appeal. She had a different kind of love with Lancelot and with Arthur. And her love with Lancelot had the passion, but it was not due to abuse, and yet her love with Arthur was a very deep one too. So this is a dilemma that we all seem to face. So to take the middle road for practicality sake – when looking for a mate, I think both types of love should be acknowledged. Someone can be the nicest person in the world, yet there needs ( I think ) to be a spark in your heart ( that only you can determine how much is necessary ), and that the person should also be of noble character. An indication of “ spark “ would be if you really look forward to seeing that person, and if you wish to be touching them a lot and wanting to be near them very much. Otherwise, I think the person should be considered a friend. Friends too are important. So I wanted to mention these things so that perhaps they will help you sort out issues about the person you are dating. Still, as Donna pointed out, it is important to concentrate on your healing process. Sometimes we need to heal before trying to get involved in another relationship ( it takes different amounts of time for different people ). – But that is something that you will need to determine. Donna’s new book about recovery that she mentioned in her last post sounds like it would be great for you.
Blessings

[Sunnygal]

need2heal- Hope you are doing o.k.

SG

[need2heal]

Hi all! Thank you for the kind words and support! I must confess I don’t come on here often because I have THEEE worst trouble finding this section of the website! I click on at least a dozen different things before I find it and it’s extremely frustrating for me.

That being said…update on me! My wonderful boyfriend and I are about 7 months into our relationship and still going strong! We have had one minor disagreement, which, I must admit, stemmed from my own insecurities. It was resolved quickly and easily. He has been nothing but wonderful and thinks I hung the moon. Kind of one of the things we struggled about actually, I’ve told him he has me on a pedestal that is much higher than I should be on and it’s going to hurt when I fall off of it. He’s setting me up to disappoint him eventually. He didn’t realize it but now does see where I’m coming from. He is scared to death of me walking away for any reason and has said he has some past financial things from his business he needs to clear up and that’s the only thing that has stopped him from asking me to marry him. He wants it to be a clean slate and make sure I know he’s not after my money, which I’ve never suspected at all! No reason to. I’m actually okay with the delay so we know we’re not making any mistakes. We’ve each been married twice already. My N mistake was a relationship after my 2nd divorce. Hope he’s living a nightmare of a life right now!! He doesn’t deserve an ounce of happiness.

And on that topic, Donna, I recently finished reading your book about your life with James Montgomery. Wow! I applaud you for your dogged determination to not allow him to get away with anything!! I would have done the same thing! Although my ex-N didn’t get my finances I knew there was a way to share a little of my pain and make him somehow accountable for his choices.

When he and I split 4 years ago, and he was horribly nasty about it (I may even submit a story for you) but he kept in touch with my then 22-year old daughter. I last spoke to him on the phone on June 10, 2016 during which he insisted he was not seeing anyone and our breakup had nothing to do with someone else. Eight weeks later, to the day, my daughter told me “he’s getting married next week.” I asked our closest friends if they knew anything about this as they knew how devastated I was and they were all shocked. They knew nothing. Of course he told my daughter and told her “it’s okay to tell your mom” because he knew it would devastate me even more and probably wanted to see if I’d chase after him. My text to him included “you’re the biggest piece of sh#t on the planet……”

Fast forward a couple of months later. I really turned up my detective skills. After hearing from several people that he claimed to have met this woman on line, we lived in California at that time and she lived in Tennessee, I was able to determine that they were married by the court clerk in the county he and I both grew up in during her visit to CA. No one else present. Seemed to be a spur of the moment (probably more like he plotted it out and made it look like a surprise to her since he told my daughter. Oh yeah, probably didn’t tell his own sons though!) I got a copy of their marriage certificate. I knew somehow I’d be able to put it to good use some day. I also wanted to do recon on her and see what I could find out. Odd narcissistic behavior alert!!! – even though they married, he continued to live in CA for over a month before he moved to TN. THEN he continued to tell all his friends that he wasn’t married, or that they were married but they lived separately because her 17 year old daughter didn’t even know they got married. The lies just continued to flow. I decided he needed to own the life he left me for.

In my research of his new wife, I discovered that her ex-husband is a judge in the county where they live. I set to composing an anonymous letter (I was still deeply in the throws of despair and fear that he would show up at my door unannounced. In fact, I eventually left my beloved little house and moved over 1,000 miles away to make sure that didn’t happen.) I sent the letter which pretty much started out, “in case you didn’t know…”, included a lot of his behaviors towards me AND the girlfriend before me that he also tormented, devastated, and drove her to move from CA to Missouri! He actually flew there and showed up at her door UNANNOUNCED!! only to be rejected and fly back 24 hours later. And ended with, ‘take care of your kids and good luck to you!’ I also included a copy of the marriage certificate.

A few months later I heard from a mutual friend who is in my corner, that he was back in CA claiming the marriage was over and he was looking for a place to live. He said the ex-husband handed over the letter to his wife and she was furious. Probably because she found out he’d been denying that he was married. He just knew I was the one who did it. The mutual friend was one of only 2 or 3 people who knew what I did and she certainly didn’t let on that it was me. She just enjoyed his misery! He also asked my friend if she kept in touch with me, he heard I moved, and said he made a mistake letting me go and would maybe reach out to me. She called me to forewarn me! I never heard from him. I had deleted his number from my phone but no messages came in, thankfully! That plan apparently didn’t last long, sooooo in line with his erratic behavior, because he immediately went back to TN and got back with his wife. Typical narcissistic controlling, manipulative behavior. I’m sure he used me to triangulate her and made false claims that we were in communications.

As far as I know, he’s living a miserable life and tormenting her as he once did to me and every other woman in his life. Part of me wants to feel sorry for her because I know how he operates, and how easy it is to fall for the love bombing, and she probably is a decent woman but, the other part of me says, you get what you deserve for marrying a stranger!!

There’s so much more to the story of that nightmare, you’ve all heard it and lived it before! And in the meantime, I have a healthy, happy, relationship with a man I love and trust and who adores me! So life goes on, healing is a very slow process but I’m getting there with bigger strides every day. Again, thank you for the support!!

[freeatlast]

I absolutely love that poem! I hope to meet someone like that one day…. someone quiet, and loving – no whirlwind romance, just good old-fashioned, quiet love…

Need2heal, your story is amazing. We have all been through so much!

[polestar]

Hi needtoheal – I’m so happy that you went forward with your heart into a beautiful experience of a new relationship not fraught with all of the craziness that you had to endure previously. I reread what I posted way back to you in which I went on and on philosophizing about different aspects of love. Sorry about that ! I think now that the truth about love is that it is simply a mystery. Just like beauty manifests in a myriad of unique ways, so does love. The thing is that psychological abuse is just the opposite. It just follows the same dull patterns anspd script again and again and I’m sure that looking back on your ex’s behavior you now see the boringness of his little dramas. So anyway, I am so glad to know that you have found your way to light and love and I am very very happy for you ! Thanks again for your wonderful update!
Blessings

[freeatlast]

I really like what you have said, polestar, about love (real love) manifesting in a myriad of unique ways, contrasted with abuse just following the same dull patterns. Very perceptive.

[sept4]

Yes I think you can experience genuine love again but it will be a different kind of love. More mature, less “puppy love” feeling.

That head over heels feeling that a sociopath elicits through love bombing is really just immature infatuation. It’s like “falling in love” when you are a teenager and have not experienced anything yet. It feels good but it’s immature.

With time after healing from a sociopathic ex and meeting a new person you genuinely like, you can fall in love again but it will feel more quiet, less dramatic, less dopamine but more genuine mature bonding.

[Author]

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