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… i’ve gone no contact. I am done. I’m still angry. I have some old items of his…. I want to dump them on his front step. should i do this? will this make him feel good? i want him to know he is trash. I don’t want to make him feel good. i want him to know i am done and that i am never coming back. so is this a bad idea? i am thinking that it is. should i just throw them in trash?
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deceived- I would not take them over myself. If you trash them, he could complain. I would have a messenger take them to him. Get your anger out in a safe way, not at him.
SG
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Hi deceived again –
Good for you getting to “ I’m done “ ! The advise Sunnygal gave you is perfect. Don’t hesitate to address anything you might feel the need to express to us here. Getting though the anger stage is not easy, I know. We are here for you.
Blessings to you. -
“ i want him to know he is trash. I don’t want to make him feel good. i want him to know i am done and that i am never coming back.”
Aside from Sunnygal’s suggestion about his stuff, I ask your consideration a moment that your post isn’t really about his stuff. It’s about your feelings that I quoted above. It’s great you can verbalize them, begin to identify them, because this is the start of processing these emotions in a way to set yourself free of them.
Reread what you wrote. This is a forum for discussing psychopaths/narcissists whose abilities to truly empathize with others or feel remorse is blunted. Nothing you say or do will change this anymore than your personal emotions could make someone spontaneously grow an arm.
What you want, for him to Feel what he has done to you, from your perspective, is hurting you more by trying to achieve something that is (as far as we know) biologically impossible for this man to achieve on the level of true empathy/remorse that he feels. You will drive yourself mad trying to do so.
Imagine this like a bad purchase. You were sold on the notion you invested in a real pearl only to find out you were duped into buying a cheap imitation of toxic material (think asbestos… it takes awhile for the damage to show in your body). Do you hold onto the toxic material, keeping near you, while you litigate the matter trying to get what you were promised? Or do you get that toxic waste as far from your body, life, family as possible before it can do anymore harm and resolve to boycott con artists pawning their poison (because now you have some tools to identify them).
One of the hardest things I had to learn was that, often, there is no justice. Bad things happen and somethings can not be made right. But we, you, can clean up the damage and take steps to prevent it from happening again to you or others.
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IF you are having difficulty with ruminating thoughts/emotions about what he did…
Just realized I’ve suggested something above but neglected to relate techniques I learned how to stop reoccurring thoughts. I apologize since one comment I always hated was “get over it.”
The reoccurring thoughts and emotions are normal, especially when we are trying to resolve/understand something OR when our body has triggered a fight-or-flight response to protect us from a perceived threat. However, with psychos, we can get stuck ruminating the illogical, the tangles of deceit and head games, in a manner that doesn’t resolve the problem (the psycho will still be a psycho after all), but will keep us locked into reliving the trauma.
The path of emotions initially bypasses logic. A cue triggers an emotional response that our mind and body physically react to before we logically think about it (ie, something triggers a memory that our body reacts to as a known threat, producing an instant feeling of anxiety/anger/scared fight-or-flight response before we are fully aware that we’ve been triggered. This triggers us to promptly defend ourselves, quick pulse, ready to fight, where’s the immediate threat causing me to feel this way? But it’s not happening right then, and often we don’t recognize this so we ruminate the threat, trying to fight it by replaying it in our heads over and over, but keeping our body and mind stuck in that “active threat” phase when there is no immediate threat. This can destroy a person physically and mentally.
Here’s a tip I learned in trauma therapy that I was to guide my child doing (my own trauma therapist missed this one):
Recognize when you begin to do this. It may help to say, “I am reliving this moment/this feeling.” Try stating the emotion(s) and feeling(s) it is causing. (Such as “I feel frustrated, hurt, foolish…” If the feeling is mad, mad is often the product of several emotions that have not been addressed. Break it down if you can into the smaller emotions which may be easier to tackle.)
Next acknowledge that something caused you to remember this (if you don’t know what the trigger is, that’s okay, just know there was a trigger).
Now the important part… Tell yourself it is okay that you feel this way. Thank your mind for trying to protect you. (ie, “It’s okay that I felt scared when I heard that phrase. My mind is trying to protect me from being hurt. Thank you for trying to protect me.”)
Then tell yourself that you are not in immediate danger and it’s okay to stand-down. (“I know that feeling was to protect me, but that person is gone and that phrase I heard was on tv. I am safe. I do not need this feeling to protect me right now, but thank you for looking after me.”)
This process of self-talk (or self-thought is fine too) actually reroutes the neural path to your frontal cortex where logical thought happens instead of it going straight from stimulus to automatic fight-or-flight emotion (in amygdala).
Persistent ruminating may also be addressed by EFT tapping and EMDR sessions, plus other treatments for psychological trauma, C-PTSD. Different therapies will work better on some people of others, but the self-talk to take back your thoughts to the logical as well as EFT tapping are free things you can quickly and readily do for yourself.
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This is a very good post. Thank you for sharing what worked for you. I think most of us will try anything to wash the thoughts from our mind, and your suggestions are therapeutic & great advice.
Thank you.
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deceivedagain, 🎉🎉CONGRATULATIONS ON GOING NO CONTACT!!! 🎉🎉
THIS IS A HUGE MOMENT!! PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK HON!!! 👏Your mind has awoken to who he is and what he is really capable of doing to your mind, body & spirit. 😊
I call this point “Point of no return”….this is a momentous occasion!! Remember this moment….remember how strong you are right now!!
PLEASE DO NOT GO OVER TO HIS HOUSE TO DROP OFF THOSE ITEMS…best to spend the postage & send them to him asap. So he has no reason to come over to your home.
REMEMBER THESE EVIL PEOPLE CAN EASILY SUCK YOU BACK INTO THEIR DESTRUCTIVE WORLD…THEY ARE MASTERS AT WORD MANIPULATION…inclucing pity me manipulation, gas lighting abuse. SO if you go over there he will attempt to suck you back in or at least try to leave the door open.
take a photo of everything you are sending to him so that he can not say that “stole” his items or did not return them. Have a trusted friend witness what you put in the box & go with you to the post office. This is how you must think when deal with a sociopath. They will always try to turn the table to get you either back into their game or you arrested.
YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOURSELF FOR FINALLY GETTING THIS EVIL GUY OUT OF YOUR LIFE.
never break the no contact rule…especially if he calls or tries to get friends involved to “apologize for his behavior. He is a CON MAN!! he will do nothing but con and if you ever return his emotional & mental abuse will be 10 time worse since he will want to maintain full control over your mind so that you do not leave him again.
On October 3, 2019 Donna has a “educational” program with Steven Hassan for $50. I would recommend you watch/listen to it. He is a cult expert and has been a counselor helping those that are attempting to break free or have broken free to understand the MIND CONTROL aspect of an abusive relationship. He has been on CNN, Fox, John Walsh, Larry King Live show etc. he was manipulated into a cult when he was in college & with the help of his family and former ex cult members he freed his mind, returned to college & obtained his masters in counseling with a specialty in helping people leave cults for good.
Do you know that a cult can just have one member like a Domestic abusive relationship?? This is what you have been in with this guy = a cult.
I would agin recommend you & everyone to watch that education program here on Lovefruad Oct 3, 2019.
Steven’s books helped me to fully understand how my ex h controlled my mind. And Donna’s books help me to understand how evil he truly was & learned terms that sociopaths do to manipulate others.
SENDING YOU HUGE HUGS HON!!! BRAVO ON FOLLOWING THE NO CONTACT RULE!!! 👏🌴🌺Peace & calm will come around the corner for you now.
NO CONTACT DAY ONE STARTS NOW!!! 😊
when you have doubt come here & read, read ,read and vent here vs calling him or contacting him!!
Wishing you all the best!!💜💜💜
Take care.
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THE BEST CLOSURE YOU WILL EVER GET IS FINDING OUT HE IS A SOCIOPATH, EDUCATING YOURSELF & GOING NO CONTACT FOR GOOD!!
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This is a little note for truth matters:
Your posts were so insightful and I really liked that technique of the process of self talk that you described. I’m sure that not only deceivedagain, but all who read these posts will really be helped by it. It is spot on and I myself look forward to putting it into effect. I also wanted to mention that this post dialogue is actually the tail end of communications that we have been sharing with deceivedagain ( in case you were unaware of that ). Since you have shown kind interest and care for her, I thought you might want to read the history that has thus far transpired. We all gain so much from sharing and learning from one another. You can find the past post stream under Love Fraud forum boards ( right below the current forums ) under “ sociopaths, Narcissists, Psychopaths as partners “ – “ needing support/input “ by deceivedagain.
Blessings -
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I always feel better when I take an action.
SG
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Hi deceived again,
Where to begin with all I wish to convey to you ? I think first of all that it would be wise to move. I know that you said that you liked your apartment very much – but when you find out that it is actually infested with rats ( a metaphor regarding your ex’s close proximity ), then it is time to high tail it out of there! Then about his no contacting/disgarding you … it is just a mental game and you can turn it right around in your own psych and know that the truth of the matter is that you already No Contacted him and for very good reason. It seems like he is acting like you did something wrong ?!?? That’s what those abusers do – they abuse and abuse and if you even mildly stand up to them – suddenly they smear you with their opinion that you are a horrible person. It is called is narcissistic offense. They get all upset if someone says no to their abuse – or even dares to see it for that matter. It doesn’t matter what he thinks or does at this point because you have already seen behind his mask and all the ugliness there, which you would not want to be anywhere near. If he wasn’t a con in the first place and showed you who he really was, you would never have had anything to do with him from the beginning. Added to this was his many many disrespectful gestures to you and his basic mean demeanor. If he is anywhere near you at work, and you see him, walk the other way, or turn your head so you don’t look at him. The only thing that he has is a dark cloud of negativity surrounding him and therefore, if you steer clear of him in every way possible, you will be doing yourself the favor of allowing yourself to have the fresh air of the opportunity to have love and joy back in your life. I know that it is so hard to finally get it that it is not you who was ever the problem. But his abuse of you has harmed your self confidence. The farther away from him that you get, the more your self confidence and self esteem will come back and you will start to feel better and better.
Blessings to you.-
Good post.
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