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I’ve recently experienced bouts of emotional sadness thinking back on some of the tender moments my ex sociopath provided. This was not just in the love bombing initial stages, but over the course of our 7 year relationship. I think this is what kept me in the relationship feeling somewhere within him was a compassionate human being. Now that I’m removed from the chaos I have to ask myself if I would feel the same emotional sadness when he blatantly lied, manipulated or went MIA for two weeks at a time? Would I have felt the same tenderness if we actually lived together and he was draining me financially?
When I pose these questions to myself I realize the emotional part of my brain has to defer to the logical part of my brain in order to survive my trauma bonding. It is a lesson I need to practice on a regular basis in order to remain strong and continue NC. Logic has a way of making sense of what is and there is no room for emotion when dealing with the aftermath of a sociopath because that is exactly what they rely on – our emotional side.
I might be preaching to the choir, yet as I’m organizing the compartments in my heart and my brain I thought it might be helpful to pass my “ah, ha” moment along.
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Funluvmusic – Perhaps this will help: Remember that all of the “tender moments” your ex provided were fake. It was a charade. He was play acting, with the objective of keeping you on the line.
You, however, didn’t know at the time that it was fake, so your reaction was real. You were truly loving, whereas he was manipulating.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling emotional sadness now. In fact, I recommend that you allow yourself to feel it as deeply as possible. You need to grieve it, grieve the profound betrayal. That’s where the real pain lies.
It’s by feeling, grieving and then releasing your emotional pain that you truly heal.
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Hi funluv, yes I still have these emotions too even though my breakup was many years ago and I grieved deeply for many years and I did extensive counseling and self help reading etc.
I don’t know if that ever really goes away. Although I am still single and very lonely so I think that also keeps me stuck in the past.
I’m curious whether other readers who have moved on to healthy relationships still feel these emotions about their sociopath ex. Or if they were able to completely let go emotionally once they found a new healthy partner who actually genuinely loves them.
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Hi all,
I feel the same sadness at being conned, too, and haven’t dated. It’s a lonely place I know.
The intensity of my pain has decreased since the divorce over four years ago. I thought it would hurt forever.
You certainly deserve closure and deserve to feel angry about not getting it. Any decent guy would apologize and explain. I’m sorry you never got it.
My problem passed away. He was sorry about hurting me but would never admit what he did or explain. Ridiculous.
It’s natural to want revenge. I still want it too. Time heals all wounds. Time wounds all heels. 🙂
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Yes I struggle with all the same emotions even after many years of NC. I still ruminate every day over the past.
However I really do think a big part of that is loneliness. I think if I met someone new who genuinely loved me and was genuinely emotionally present, I would heal from the pain from the past. Love heals.
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Sept4, we all want and deserve a great partner. It’ll come but it takes time. It takes kissing a lot of frogs though. (I don’t like fairy tales and princesses looking for a prince to rescue them – that notion does a lot of harm to women. However the frog analogy is on the money.)
COVID has severely limited dating and new friendships. Vaccine distribution is getting better. The number of infections & deaths has decreased a lot. I think we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. That’s something positive as we go forward! 🙂
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Thank you both Funluv and Smiths for your kind words!
Smiths OMG YES the Disney Prince Charming fairy tale story causes girls and women so much harm!! It teaches girls that a handsome charming man who falls in “love” with you is the perfect man who will save them and give them an amazing life. PERFECT archetype story for sociopaths to play into and put on that Prince Charming mask to hide their true character. It’s like Disney set young girls up to fall for the sociopath love fraud con.
Disney finally seems to have gained some understanding of that dangerous dynamic with the Prince Hans character in Frozen I. A handsome charming charismatic prince who “falls in love with” (a/k/a targets) Princess Anna to use her to gain power over the Kingdom. This is the sociopath archetype and I am so glad that Disney included that character as a teaching moment.
Here is a descriptions copied from online fan site describing his sociopath strategies:
Hans is a physical representation of a silent killer. With a noble demeanor, he presents himself as someone others can trust and confide—a best friend, a significant other, or a reputable authority figure. By establishing himself as someone of virtue, Hans is able to observe his opponents and examine their deepest insecurities, which he would later use against them as a means of advancing his goals. These false impressions won over Anna, and the entirety of Arendelle, thus allowing Hans to seize the throne without giving any premonition of regicide.
Hans has several motivating factors to his schemes. Firstly, he has a selfish sense of entitlement, remorselessly believing it is his right to be king even if it means usurping someone else’s throne. Secondly, he genuinely craves respect and recognition, having been denied both as a child. Lastly, Hans is power-hungry as he covets kingship and gets a twisted sense of pleasure from having someone’s submission—as was the case with a vulnerable and deathly ill Anna.
Hans’ most powerful asset is quite possibly his vast intelligence and incredible ability to lie, dissemble, and manipulate. He is proven to be quick-thinking, resourceful, and extremely diligent. However, unlike many Disney villains, Hans constantly has to change his plot accordingly with the shifting events that take place in the film without letting loose his villainous nature. This is indeed an interesting challenge for a Disney villain to tackle, thus adding to his level of intelligence, as he comes dangerously close to achieving his goal in spite of unstable circumstances.
Cold and cruel, Hans has a sympathetic origin, but lacks any characteristics one could call redeeming. Instead, he apathetically views others as mere stepping stones to his grand plans, and will callously lie, cheat, and kill his way into a position of sole power, regardless of the casualties made along the way.
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Sept4, Thanks for this synopsis. It sounds like Donna was the consultant on this movie. It sums up the sociopath perfectly!
I plan to watch this. It would be healing to see this played out on video.
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Ohh, my…. this is me… I can only function with Citalopram at the moment because the depression is too intense. How can I want someone who is so bad for me? I cant comprehend how my rationale self can understand he is bad for me , yet my emotional side craves for his attention. I hope that time heals my pain
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Ina, am so sorry. It is very hard for me to comprehend how I could be in a relationship with one and put up with the abuse for almost 20 years. It was like I was under a spell.
Be gentle on yourself. This is a normal reaction to crave an ex who’s a sociopath after a break up. Again, and I know you know, no contact is paramount to breaking the trauma bond that his smooth talking and lies caused. It does get better. It takes time and persistence. (((Hugs)))
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Funluvmusic,
Yes, I wasn’t interested in my late ex-h at all when we met. I wanted to date other guys. I had some dates, but this platonic “friend” was so nice and caring. He seemed better than my dates.
Maybe it’s red flags that we need to watch out for at all times. We are human – we all get lonely or if not fall for a charming guy by mistake. Nothing wrong with that. We need to be on guard for those predators who cast a wide net for multiple victims. It’s not something we’re taught as Donna has mentioned. We are supposed to be nice and believe all people are good deep down. We’ve all have wisely learned the hard way it’s not true!
I wanted to let you know you’re not alone here. I feel lonelier now than ever, too. 🙁
It’s like an intense, very long school course. You like the subject but it’s so much work and so painful to study so hard. Maybe the analogy doesn’t fit for you. I don’t know. I want to meet nice people. I wish it would happen some point soon.
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Funluvmusic,
I misread your message. That’s why my reply has been edited quite a few times. Sorry!
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