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I recently had an unpleasant encounter with a psychopath and it brought me to this site. Previously i had dated another psychopath on and off over the course of about 5 years and was still in contact with him until september. I met him buying drugs from him which was a bad start. When we first met we were obsessed with each other and immediately began spending all our time together. I had just come out of another abusive relationship with a sociopath and confided in him about it. I was a wreck and he seemed to be helping me to heal from the trauma while really he used it against me. My friends immediately disliked him and I distanced myself from them. He texted me constantly and told me he would always be there for me, something he repeated through the entirety of our relationship. I was an addict and he got me the pills I needed which made me dependent on him. He quickly became mentally, emotionally and physically abusive and attacked me 3 times. The first time he chased me around my apartment and gave me a black eye when his hand slipped as he was restraining me from behind for telling him i was going to see a friend alone, the second time he shoved me so hard i fell down and broke my rib and the last time he tried to strangle me, smashed my phone then flipped me off walking away smiling. When he broke my rib I was so trauma bonded to him I ran after him as he was leaving my apartment and asked him to help me icing my ribs because i could barely move. I was so traumatized by what had happened it was actually worse being away from him than with him because then I would have had to face it and I had stockholm syndrome. He has an extensive criminal record but I never called police because I didn’t want him going to jail again. I broke up with him every time he got physical but always went back several months later when i ”forgot” how bad it had really been. There was also the drugs, and he exploited this as much as he could. The last time we were together he wasn’t physically abusive but became aggressive enough that I hid in my bedroom with the door locked until he calmed down. At that time I was being brutally verbally abused and berated, I had just found my faith in God and he mocked me about it constantly, made fun of me for praying and told me God hated me. I remember him laughing as I cried about my problems with God and smirking at me. He’s the cruelest person I know, when we were together he would be nice for always exactly 3 days then he would get emotionally abusive and I’d stop wanting to have sex. We always had great sex in the beginning but he’d be so mean I wouldn’t feel like it anymore. He hates women and is very sadistic. Before he strangled me he was holding a pair of scissors in his hand in a way that made me so uncomfortable I asked him to put them down and I thank God to this day I did so. I ended up making plans in secret to leave him and moved to another country, partly to get away from him but also because I was in a bad situation in general. I left him with my two cats (who thankfully he has always treated far better than he treated me) and all my stuff and we weren’t in contact for some months. After a while I had to contact him about the apartment he was still living in and we started talking again. He’s extremely intelligent, charimastic and manipulative and knows my weaknesses. We got back together even after moving away to get away from him though I broke up with him for verbally abusing me so he didn’t end up visiting. We kept talking on and off for over two years, he would verbally abuse me and I would take him back like nothing ever happened after some time had passed. As a Christian, I believe it’s important to forgive others for their trespasses but I’ve learned this doesn’t mean I have to forget about what’s been done to me. Due to our trauma bond I felt incredibly close to him and we’ve always gotten along very well, we talked on and off and by the end of it we were ”just friends” and even talked to each other about people we were interested in dating. Ironically, he himself became a Christian after I left him (whatever that means for a psychopath) and I genuinely thought he had changed until we got into an argument and he got verbally abusive again. I cut off all contact until I asked him for some stuff from old apartment last month but he ignored me.
I read ”without conscience” by Robert Hare years ago and recognized that he was a psychopath but for some reason this wasn’t enough to deter me from seeing him. In fact, it fascinated me and I confronted him telling him I thought he was a psychopath which he denied but seemed amused by. That didn’t stop me from dating him again. I’ve always been attracted to dangerous men which I’m now trying to overcome as it’s gotten me into a fair bit of trouble. He’s told me he doesn’t feel remorse and has admitted he tried to kill me but didn’t know why though I think he knew exactly what he was doing as he waited for my neighbor to leave before trying to strangle me. After the second time he assaulted me he told me I ”had gotten it better than the others” which was chilling and showed that he wasn’t just being impulsive in the heat of the moment, he knew full well what he was doing and was completely in control.
It’s mind boggling to me now that I was willing to be friends with someone who tried to kill me in the past but it didn’t feel unnatural at the time, we got along so well and I felt he understood me better than anyone else which is probably true but I now realize he was manipulating me the whole time and mirroring me. I’ve only now started to heal properly from his abuse as I wasn’t fully able to do so while we were still talking. I’m confused as to why he even wanted to be ”friends”, I used to think it was just because we got along so well but now I suspect he just liked having the control over me and it also looked worse for him if we weren’t talking. He’s a pathological liar and I once watched him fake a seizure during an argument, I knew he was faking and told him I’d call an ambulance which prompted him to jump up and prevent me from doing so. Another time I caught him stealing pills from me, which he denied but eventually admitted after I wore him down. I asked him how he could lie like that and was troubled by his lack of remorse. I have endless stories of his abuse and gaslighting, he still had a strong hold over me mentally up until very recently. He even learned the other language I speak and said he wanted to understand how my subconscious worked. The last time I contacted him I ended up apologizing for asking for my stuff back which I chalk up to trauma bonding as he is in fact holding my stuff hostage and I was right to ask for it back. I sort of forgot about all the psychopathy stuff up until my mom gave me dangerous liasons: how to recognise and escape psychopathic seduction by Claudia Moscovici. Reading this brought everything back and explained everything. He wasn’t abusive once for about a year but I immediately cut contact when he began mocking and berating me during an argument about abortion. I have no place in my life for abuse anymore, since leaving the country and moving across the world I’ve been pretty stable (I’m diagnosed DID and PTSD)and am unwilling to deal with abuse in any form. Or so I thought…
Which brings me to my most recent encounter with a psychopath. He was another ex who I’d dated long distance 3 years ago and broke up with mostly because I suspected he was borderline (my other ex also told me he had heard he was borderline which is probably a lie) and because he wasn’t treating me very well in general. We were in touch here and there for a few years and got back to talking in may. He immediately began lovebombing me, telling me he was in love with me and wanted to marry me. Now at this point i realized I was being love bombed, as in I already knew about love bombing as a concept and recognised it as such but I didn’t fully recognize he was a psychopath and decided not to think about it too much. Whenever he told me he wanted to marry me I said we hadn’t known each other for that long and it didn’t make sense. He is also a ”Christian” though he is also a ”buddhist” and is involved with the occult but he played up his Christianity to manipulate me. I was also aware he was doing this but I let it happen. I got so used to being manipulated by my psychopathic ex it feels familiar and even comfortable. He lives in the country next to mine and I decided last minute to go to a concert there a couple weeks ago. He had been very unresponsive to my texts for a while (he claimed he was busy with school) and i mentioned to him I’d be in town that weekend. I didn’t think i’d see him which I was fine with but he suddenly got in touch when I was on my way to the airport and we planned to meet up. I was excited to see him after years and he told me how in love with me he was and that he was excited to see me too. At this point I knew there was at least a chance seeing him could be damaging in some way since there was something off about him but I decided not to overthink it. Partly I was bored, my life since converting is very tame, I don’t drink, use drugs or party anymore so I don’t have much excitement. Either way, it did not end well…
When he was on his way to my hotel he started trying to manipulate me into giving him oral sex. I don’t believe in premarital sex and we’d talked about that but he persisted and reminded me that he was a Christian, sent me explicit texts and told me again how in love with me he was. I realised what he was doing but I let it happen which was a red flag in itself. I learned from the book i read about how psychopaths condition you into giving into their demands constantly. I was so excited to see him and I felt a desire to please him, even though it crossed my boundaries and went against my beliefs. The irony of this situation is that I had a copy of the psychopathy book i mentioned with me and told him i was reading it.
When he got to my hotel, I was overjoyed to see him and we talked for a bit until he moved my hand onto his crotch which I thought was sleazy but I gave him oral sex several times anyway. I talked to him about extremely traumatic stuff and felt very bonded to him and over the course of the night I completely fell in love with him. The only problem was he was acting strange. For one thing he was doing speed all night, which put him on edge and he kept checking his phone and did not try to kiss me very much. He was being affectionate one second then the next he was withdrawing it. He certainly wasn’t acting like he loved me and I felt rejected and humiliated. I was very affectionate towards him. I noticed while he was scrolling through his texts he had mentioned the same woman’s name over and over and that she had also texted him. At this point I realised he likely had a girlfriend but my feelings for him were so strong I pushed it out of my mind. I knew he was manipulating me but at one point while he was holding me I had the thought that I liked him so much I would let him get away with anything which was terrifying.
When he left after i stayed up all night watching him do speed he didn’t kiss me goodbye and instead gave me a humiliating half hug. I wonder now if he was withdrawing affection to destabilise me and make me feel desperate, if he was it worked. After he left i felt crazy. I went over it in my head and thought if i’d done anything wrong to make him act that way. I had asked if we were dating when we saw each other, because I assumed if he was in love with me and wanted to get married that talking about dating wasn’t a big deal. He reacted weirdly to that and said sure, but that he didn’t really know what i meant. After he left i looked him up on facebook and quickly found a post he had made about his father in law dying. I then found his girlfriend. They’ve been together for at least 3 years. His girlfriend’s (or wife? He knows) dad just died and he was off cheating with me in a hotel room and trying to con me into having some sort of bizarre secret relationship on the side. I know people cheat (my narcissist father cheated on my mother) but had never heard of someone lying to the other woman too and carrying out multiple relationships in secret at the same time. I’m not actually a very naive person these days, even here I noticed all the red flags just chose to ignore them (which was fairly reckless of me but I learned my lesson). I confronted him immediately and he didn’t deny it. He called me and when I picked up he immediately began telling me he had another life and he wasn’t just going to leave her. I laughed and told him I hadn’t known he had another life until then and that I wasn’t asking him to break up with her now that I knew. I just had no idea and didn’t understand why he had brought up marriage if he was in a longterm relationship. I was mad. He talked me down and managed to convince me that he really did have strong feelings for me which is false, he told me all that to use me for sex. I thankfully did not have actual sex with him though oral sex outside of marriage still violates my beliefs. Nonetheless he calmed me down and I told him I forgave him (I’m a Christian) and said that we couldn’t talk anymore because he had a girlfriend and it was wrong. We kept texting for a while and he started trying to manipulate me for sympathy, my patience ran out when he told me he had just been to a funeral (his girlfriend’s father) and I got annoyed. I’m pretty sure he blocked me. She has no idea and i’m not telling her because i don’t want to get involved or deal with his vengeance. The first few days after this happened i couldn’t get out of bed, I felt dead inside. I cried a lot after this first happened but it turned into a general sort of numbness and unpleasantness. I had felt really strongly this was someone i wanted in my future despite the glaring red flags and we seemed to get along so well. He knew I was only interested in Christian men and played this up though it was very clumsy. This was clearly not the man God wanted me to be with but I felt so strongly for him I let my feelings get the better of me. I had asked when i should come visit and he told me march, which was strange as i live about an hour away by plane but probably she was going to be out of town or something then. Him trying to carry out a secret relationship with me blew my mind, now after reading this website I realise this is completely normal psychopathic behavior but i couldn’t believe it. I don’t know how he thought he was going to pull it off but he wasn’t afraid of the consequences at all. This situation is mild compared to some of the stuff I’ve seen on here. Even my psychopathic ex never cheated on me (that I know of) but he wasn’t as sex crazed as this one. I’ve struggled with feeling jealous of his girlfriend even though I know he loves no one and her relationship is based on a lie. He told me he would always care about me and he sounded so convincing I bought it at the time but felt stupid afterwards, he only cares about himself. Mostly I just feel sorry for her as she has no idea this happened. I haven’t talked to him in a couple weeks now and plan on keeping it that way. I’m very, very lucky i didn’t let this go any further than it did, I was pretty destroyed for a few days but I’ve been reading a lot and am realising I really dodged a bullet here. The more I’ve read the better I’ve felt. I know others don’t get so lucky. I can’t really love someone I know has faked everything. I feel disgusted. I’m 30 and don’t want to waste time with a dead end relationship. I’ve been seeing a great therapist for about a year and am now working through all of this in therapy. Hopefully I can overcome my attraction to psychopaths, they unfortunately seem to be my type as I’m attracted to their mental toughness and charisma. After realising what they’re capable of I feel repulsed though. I certainly won’t be getting involved with any more psychopaths from now on, or, if I do I’ll realise quickly. They all seem to act in pretty similar ways. I I definitely won’t be dating anyone with a criminal record again, that’s probably the best indicator of antisocial behavior (both of my exes had been in jail). I believe that people can change but even God can’t give a psychopath a conscience. Again, I highly suggest reading the book I mentioned, dangerous liasons, it didn’t take me long to realise this was psychopathic behavior this time and saved me a lot of heartbreak and potential devastation. Overall I’m glad I had this last encounter because it caused me to obsessively research psychopathy which is helping me to recover from the first psychopath I dated. I’ve lost my patience with this kind of person and will never allow myself to be manipulated or abused again. I’d like to meet a nice man who is capable of empathy like I am once I’m more recovered. I’m very thankful to have found this site. Thanks for reading -
Hi Jadded22,
I am so sorry that you got tangles up with this pure evil psychopath. He sounds incredibly dangerous not only to your mind but, also physically & emotionally.
Im glad that you found your way to this incredible site Lovefraud. God sent you in the right direction. Donna & Terry have done a amazing job with their site Lovefraud. ALL of your answers are here plus, tons of support.
Life has been hard on you…but, you are making amazing changes!!! Keep moving towards the light 💜💜💜😊
You state:
“After the second time he assaulted me he told me I ”had gotten it better than the others” which was chilling and showed that he wasn’t just being impulsive in the heat of the moment, he knew full well what he was doing and was completely in control.”
YES..his statement is terrifying to read. His behavior is all planned & controlled to keep his victims under his control. He wants full control over you. ALL abusers want POWER & CONTROL over their victims! THis guy wnats the same over you & others. How do they accomplish Power & control over others? They use FEAR.
Did you know that a women in a abusive relationship where her abusers puts his hands around her neck is 5 times more likely to be killed by her abuser. its’ time to end this abusive relationship for good hon.
⭐️YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT YOU ARE SETTLING FOR!! ⭐️
HE IS THE DEVIL. All psychopath/socioapths are. They want to destroy good people. They love to break people down all intentionally.
Donna (Lovefraud) has great info on the home page for “how to leave a abusive relationship” as well, as endless articles.
It is hard to break the trauma bond with a sociopath. BUT, YOU CAN!! How do you do this?
YOU have to follow the NO CONTACT RULE. (this is the ONLY way to have peace in your life)
Sociopath & psychopaths create constant drama & chaos so that their victims never have a chance to have clear thoughts. They constantly stress the victims out to make the victim depended on them. Like a Parent child relationship. They want you asking them for advise and guidences constantly. they dont want us independent. You have to break this spell he has over you by going No contact.
Lookup “No contact rule” here on LF and net.
its hard to go no contact at first. breaking off fully with a abuser creates anxiety in the victim. This is why it’s a good idea to eat well, avoid drugs, over eating & alcohol, surround yourself with good caring TRUSTED friends/family and get help from a counselor. I highly recommend that you contact your local domestic abuse center for help out. They can help you with a “Domestic abuse safety and exit plan” out of this “friendship” with this EXTEREMLY DANGEROUS GUY.
Why does No contact rule work? it gives the victims time to calm her body & mind down. It provides a break so that you can start thinking for yourself.
If in the USA you can call the national domestic Violence hotline 800-799-SAFE and talk to a free counelor about this Domestic violence safety and exit plan” and also get phone numbers for your local abuse center.
If not in the US then search “Domestic Violence abuse center hotline” and call.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.💜..reach out for help with the national & local abuse center. I keep trying to think my way out of my marriage (to a sociopath) but, what I really needed was guidance from the Abuse center & help with a exit plan out. I eventually did got to my local center for help out. They were a incredible blessing for me.
Also, on Lovefraud home page Donna has guidance where you can call her for a small fee. Pls she has a you tube channel “Lovefraud” (and vids up at the top of lovefraud” which are fantastic to open your mind up from this guys MIND CONTROL AND BRAIN WASHING (YES this is literally what they do to their vitcims they are CULT LEADERS!!!)
This guy is dangerous. You see how evil & abusive he is when in a relationship/friend ship with him…but, now that you want to end your “friendship” he could become more violent towards you… best to have help with your Local abuse center.
I’m proud of you for making steps in improving your life. This is not easy. But, you are doing it!! PAT YOUR SELF ON THE BACK!! 👏
One of the most important steps when getting out of a abusive relationship is to take care of your health including finding a good healthy diet to flood your body with much needed vitamins & minerals. During a abusive relationship the stress is thru the roof which depletes the body’s vitamin & minerals. I would suggest you go to your library and read some diet books such as Keto diet, carnviore diet and many others see yt vids on these too. For keto see dr berg, dr mindy pelz, dr eckberg, dr Bos, or carivore diet see Revero. com and read their testimonies.
It takes time to get the body working correctly after a abusive relationship. The stress can wreak havoc on the body & mind. Look up Adrenal fatigue dr berg yt vids. You are most likely suffering from PTSD and a big part of PTSD is Adrenal fatigue which needs to be healed. Most victims of abuse suffer from PTSD and most counselors are clueless of this fact. Look into getting a vitamin & mineral full panel deficiency test.
I’ll write more in a few days. Glad you found your way to Lovefraud. this site is a God send for all of us.
Wishing you all the best. Keep posting, venting & reading. Take care. 💜💜
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look up “Domestic abuse power & control wheel” articles and you tube vids.
This wheel explains the cycle of abuse and why every 3 days he starts to abuse you again and again.
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Jadded22. Jan has some very good advice. It is good to get educated about the disorder. Blessings to you.
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Hi Jaded22, you’re so welcome.
pls look up here on lovefraud Donna’s articles on “cognitive dissonance”. This is a big part of why you kept taking him back dispite his horrible abuse. Sociopaths use so many mind manipulation tactics to confuse their victims so that the victims think that their abuser will be nice again (like in the beginning of the relationship). Their “nice behavior” aks lovebombing in the earily stages of the relationship was nothing more then a manipulation to suck victims into their evil con game.
also look up on LF more of their evil mind game tactics:
socioapth pity me manipulation
gas lighting abuse
sociopath smear campaign
sociopath triangulation
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Hi Jaded – I’m glad that you are in therapy because you have certainly gone through many crisis situations so you must be suffering from PTSD. I think it would be a good idea for you, along with the other ways that you are educating yourself about psychopaths, to also read books about PTSD and healing from that. I would also recommend taking a break from relationships for awhile because you really need time to focus on yourself and your own healing now. I can see that you have already done a lot to break free from toxic people and to learn about who they are. So I really commend you for that and for reaching out for help. You seem to be a communicator, and an affectionate person and need to have close connections – so it will be challenging to take a time out from getting into another relationship until you have taken the time necessary for healing. My ex was an alcoholic and I used to go with him to AA meetings and sometimes I went to Al Anon meetings. I think that Al Anon would be good for you because in that environment you can be safe yet relate about really personal things and have a group of people to support you at this time. Thise groups are also spiritually founded upon by each one’s “ Higher Power “ so that would fit in with your religious persuasion. Because of the way that you have been treated, your self esteem must be at a very low point and I think that is something important to work on with your therapist. So that would pan out to mean learning about what is acceptable behavior to you and what you will or will not permit around you – in other words, having boundaries. You have the opportunity for a whole new world to open up for you and to discover the very precious person that you are and to know how valuable you are. It is an exciting and fun journey to be on ! And I see that you have already taken significant steps on it. You are doing so well. Blessings to you.
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I will just say anything that has to do with drugs will be toxic. Blessings to you.
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Hi Jaded – You said something very insightful – about the tendency to want to repeat a trauma. I think it is quite well known in the psychological recovery knowledge of what naturally occurs. I have seen this occurrence in my own life too. From my understanding, we do it because we think that if we put ourselves back in the traumatic situation ( the same pattern even if it is another individual), that we can somehow prove to ourselves that we have grown and can now handle the situation ( or something like that ?). But thinking about it from that erroneous point of view, means that we somehow have blamed ourselves thinking that if we were smarter or more mature or stronger in the first place, we would not have been victimized. But the truth is that it was always their sickness and not our problem from the start. The only thing we really need to learn is how to see the red flags and to then stay away from those sociopaths. It reminds me of the case that was in the news recently about that young woman who went to Cabo San Lucas ( I think that is the name of the place ) and how that other woman or group of people beat her up and actually beat her so badly that they killed her. She was beautiful and successful and a kind, loving person and what they did had nothing to do with her. They were a horrible, mean bunch. So we too, need to recognize what others around us are and not allow them to make us believe that their sickness is ours when it is definitely not. Anyway, I’m so glad that you have come up for breath and can now surround yourself with all that is for good and healing. Blessings
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jaded22 – I am so sorry for your terrible experiences, but glad that the information on Lovefraud is helping you.
It seems to me that you are suffering from multiple trauma bonds. It does take time and commitment to overcome trauma bonds. The first step is to get out of the traumatic situation, so I hope you have made up your mind to go No Contact with both of those men. The longer you stay away, the more their grip on your mind and heart will dissolve.
The idea of “repetition compulsion” – repeating a traumatic experience and hoping for a different result – has been pretty much debunked in the psychology field. Continuing to get into situations where you might be hurt is actually a symptom of trauma. So the best thing you can do is to continue unraveling the trauma that you’ve experienced. It probably goes way back, perhaps even to your childhood.
Stay strong.
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Hi Donna – that was a very interesting update about “ repetition compulsion “ being a debunked concept and that the problem is actually part of being traumatized. I appreciate that concept and will reevaluate my own patterns accordingly. I haven’t previously thought about or acknowledged the fact that I must have endured trauma, and now I see that I need to learn more about that. Thank you – I have learned so much from your extensive knowledge. And I love your You Tubes too!
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About the repetition compulsion – it’s a form of attribution bias. This means mental health professionals overestimate traits or weaknesses in the victim for why they put themselves in bad situations over and over again, and underestimate the effects of the perpetrator, circumstances and trauma.
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I address attribution bias in my webinar, “Maybe you’re not codependent – you’re traumatized.”
Webinars on escaping sociopaths, narcissists and relationship abuse
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