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I am getting out of a relationship with a narc/ sociopaths and wanted to know if anyone had this strange sex experience. My ex part of 4 years struggled to get physically aroused with me. We was in his 30s. He’s always be super affectionate and touchy but we’d only have sex once a week and go through month long dry spells. I uncovered multiple affairs and these women did not have this problem with him. I know he confessed to having a porn addiction to the other women but never to me. I’ve never had this problem with another guy before. Some of these women were beautiful and others not so much. I consider my self a pretty, confident, and very sexual person. I know this frustrated him bc he even took viagra and it still didn’t work sometimes. At first I thought maybe he felt guilty about cheating but since he has no conscience I don’t think that’s possible. He also told me he likes to feel superior to the women he has sex with and in control, I was the one with the higher salary and degrees, could that have been it?? What do you guys think? Thanks for your time and thoughts!
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Yes, I think it’s quite possible that he felt intimidated by your superior achievements, that this undermined his presumably weak sense of masculine self-confidence, and that’s why he couldn’t “perform.”
Mind you, I’ve heard it said that porn addiction can weaken sexual performance as well. Some addicts become so acclimatized to the intense stimulation they get from porn that it’s harder for them to become aroused by normal sex. Supposedly it’s like developing tolerance to a drug, so they need bigger doses every time.
However, some narcissists behave the way they do partly to compensate for a weak ego. They’re driven to bolster their own opinion of themselves in grandiose fashion, but if anyone pricks their illusory bubble of superiority, they collapse–or become enraged at this “narcissistic injury.” A weak ego might well account for your ex’s erectile dysfunction, as well as his constant chasing after women to convince himself of his own success as a Casanova. Anyway it’s his own problem, not yours, especially since you never had this difficulty with other guys. Still, it’s natural to be curious for an explanation!
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Hi lady – my opinion is that on a deep psychological level, he wanted to make you feel inferior and doubt your womanliness and attractiveness. So not being turned on by you is a passive aggressive way to tear you down without being caught at it. I’m glad that you had previous satisfying experiences so that you won’t take his behavior personally. Otherwise, you would have been in trouble with questioning yourself. Anyway, all those affairs demonstrates that he is not committed to you and that he can’t be trusted. So in the final analysis, he is probably hoping that you will feel so inferior and that then you will do anything and everything to rectify the sexual problem because he blames it on you by his “ proof “ that he is OK with others. But this is 3 strikes against him 1. you are not being sexually satisfied ( which includes feeling desirable ) 2. You have proof of his cheating and 3. It is his sexual problem. So 3 strikes and he is out ! By the way, one strike is enough ! The good news is that you can end the relationship easily because of his infidelity. It makes it harder to end a relationship if the person is passive aggressive in every way because it makes it difficult in that scenario to make a clear statement. So, he though he has been passive aggressive, you don’t need to even go there and explain. It would be better if you kept that info to yourself and simply end the relationship. Please post if you have further questions or if you might need help getting through the breakup.
Blessings -
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Lady212 – just curious – where are you getting the information that the other women are not seeing ED problems? If the information came from him, please remember that all sociopaths lie. And he would surely lie about this in order to make you feel bad, or that you weren’t “good enough” to get him excited.
If the information came from the women, then perhaps he was involved in even more sex than you know about, so by the time he got to you he was worn out.
Also, sociopaths get bored – it’s one of the traits of the disorder. So they can be excited because someone is new. But the woman who has been around for 4 years – well, she’s just not that exciting anymore.
Whatever the reason for his ED – good riddance. You deserve far better!
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Hi lady – his sexual behavior is just one part of the whole equation. There are many more significant aspects to deal with in the psychopaths patterns of abuse. So since you have not had sexual problems with others, I would just set that issue aside. Especially since you want no more to do with him, which is right and correct since he has been abusing you on so many levels. It would be most effective to go No Contact, and you can read and learn much about how to manage it successfully. There must be You Tubes about it also. About the lies he is telling about you to others – that is called a “ smear campaign “; you can also do research about that and how to deal with it. It is another pattern that sociopaths use to intimidate, berate and harm. They do it mainly after a relationship is over regardless if it is officially over in the outward sense or not. I will go more into the subject when posting in reply to your other post that relates specifically to the issue.
I understand that you are getting attacked psychologically and via the social mechanism, but hold on to your truth and your strength, because you will get through this ordeal that was never your fault.
Blessings -
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Hi lady – you’ve probably read my post by now about the legal and job issues concerning your ex’s “ Smear Campaign “. I am glad to know that you have gone No Contact. Aside from what I posted in response to your legal concerns etc, which is the practical side – now we need to deal with the emotional side that is causing you personal pain. Going No Contact includes having no contact with any informational contact regarding your ex as well. I explained in my last post what to say to those who you know personally, but after that, you should block any avenues of knowing what your ex is saying at all. Ballard, in her book says that she made it clear to her friends and associates that she did not want them to talk to her about her ex. In his book, Patrick Mc Kenzie explains that No Contact includes not looking at anything on line that is associated with an ex psychopath. So what I am saying is to plug up the holes so there is no knowledge about what your ex is saying or doing whatsoever. About your hurt because your ex has been bad mouthing you from the start – it does hurt when someone has betrayed our trust and love. It is a horrible wound. I know. Kathy O Brian addresses this in her book called, “ PTSD – time to heal “. She explains that you need to get the left brain channels to begin working, because the right brain emotions are being overwhelmed. She explains from scientific evidence to do it requires that you write out all of the incidents. This will not be triggering, but will actually relieve the emotional suffering by being able to register the events with your rational ability. Another method is to be sure not to repress your emotions. When they arise, acknowledge them and then analyze why you felt them one by one. Now that you have gone No Contact, your brain will feel safe to start the healing process. Do not doubt that your being will be able to heal and move forward with a positive and rewarding life. Also, reading books and watching You Tubes etc about psychological abuse, will be educational and validating. Be as active in your healing as possible. Remember that all goodness is within you and “ has your back “.
Blessings -
Interestingly, me ex (narc) had this same problem! Over the last few years, while he was having an affair with my eventual replacement, he suffered ED. He was physically checked by the doctor, and got the all clear. I think he was getting his kicks with her. And I think Polestar is probably right – it was also a kind of passive aggressive “I just don’t fancy you any more” poke.
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