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Ive been reading so much lately and Im beginning to wonder who is the abuser…I recognise some of the ‘signs’ of a psychopath and Im really worried about it!
I am married ( to a man who is an emotional abuser so I thought!) I am dealing with this relationship by working on myself and getting more self esteem and self worth but in doing this I have noticed some personality traits in myself that I don’t like at all. I sometimes try and control and manipulate him. Usually in the scenario where I am being super nice to him when he is ignoring me. This is manipulation right. Its cringe and I don’t like that I feel so compelled to get him to ‘like’ me again. Is this manipulation and control?
I also am uncomfortable with him going out dancing without me ( he does Ceroc) and I do try various things to make him want to not go! Now thats manipulation too right. aargh!
So what do you think I need to do to address these things? -
Manipulation is a tool to get people to things that you don’t want to ask them directly. It is not a good habit to get into because people resent being manipulated. It is disrespectful.
Sociopaths manipulate because they enjoy the sense of power. They could get a target to do what they want by several means… they could scream and them and get a reaction out of fear…. they could simply take what they wanted without bothering to ask permission or manipulate the person. When a sociopath manipulates it is because it is fun to feel powerful and probably because it is the easiest way to get what he/she wants.
Other people (non-sociopaths) manipulate because they have learned that it is easier to do this than to ask directly. If they asked directly, they might receive a “no” answer. So in the short term manipulation is a “safe” way to get what you want. Some people who grew up in abusive or neglectful homes learned to manipulate as the ONLY way they could get their needs met in a dysfunctional system.
Other people manipulate because they are afraid. It is easier to trick someone into doing something than it is to work out how to get it done (or paid for, or whatever).
My guess is that if you feel bad about how you manipulate people this is a sign that you want to change. This is good. Generally, manipulative people wear out their friends. People don’t like them or trust them because they always feel used.
I think the main way to get out of the habit of being manipulative is to keep reading and thinking and working on increasing your self esteem. This will help you be more assertive. Once you have become more assertive, you will find an instance to practise asking for something directly. Simply getting to the point of asking for something directly and being honest about a need is a giant step forward.
After that, the next step is how to deal with someone who replies “no” to your request. You cannot control other people, so sometimes they will not be in a position to say ‘yes’, or they may simply not want to do what you have asked. That is their right. It is really hard to hear a ‘no’ to a request. We can abandoned, or feel rejected. We can get really, really angry if we think the person SHOULD have said yes. However, learning to deal with the “no” we get in life is also an important lesson.
However, we are getting ahead of ourselves. That is step 2 and it sounds like you are just thinking about starting step one, which is asking for what you want or need directly. It also includes stating clearly and assertively what you don’t want.
Good luck!
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