Feeling trapped

[oneflewover]

I have been reading posts on this forum obsessively all day. I am so relieved to finally have a word to describe the person I’ve been dealing with for the past 9 months. I’m 46, separated from my husband, with an 11 year old son. I had been dating for a couple of years when I met this guy online. Before we even met in person he asked me my ring size. When we met he was extremely good looking, good job, entertaining and charming but talked only about himself. I remember telling my friend he struck me as a player and was just looking for arm candy. Then he came on sooo heavy, by date number 3 we went away to a hotel and after that he showered me with words, gifts, flowers, nights out…you know how it goes. I was super hesitant at first, partly because I didn’t know him at all (and he never let himself be known, rarely answered personal questions). But he declared his love within weeks, then talked marriage but only if I would take his name, which I didn’t want to do. Oh boy, he basically bullied me into agreeing to take his stupid name (we never got married thank God). Anyway, through those early weeks I was felt he was seeing others, despite his declarations. He even told me once he was going to see someone else one night. And then in a discussion about whether we would do a threesome he announced I’d never do it, so he would just go somewhere else to get his fantasy fulfilled. I absolutely flipped out and ended it that night. Of course, he came back and wrangled his way in.
He wanted me and my son to move in with him but I pushed back on that becuase the place we were was perfect for kids and his area not so much. So in February he suggested buying a house. All this time I was absolutely certain he was lying to me about something or concealing something or someone, I thought his ex. I tried to confront him a few times and he denied everything (even the stocking I found in his bed and the paid tinder account still active!!).
So the night before we were due to put the deposit on the house, I looked in his phone and of course, multiple women on the go, including the ex he swore he had no contact with. He broke down, swore he’d change, he was glad I’d found out, he was messed up, etc etc. I threw him out…within a week he was back having threatened to kill himself. Fast forward 6 weeks and I look in his phone again, and now it’s escorts he’s paying. By then we’re locked into the house, and no backing out. Again I end it, and again he works his way back in. Fast forward four weeks later, and I check his messages, photos and internet history and just when I think I can’t be shocked anymore, I see images of him having sex with so many women, including unprotected sex. Again he broke down, said he was doing it as an escape, was so afraid I was leaving the country (I had planned to go back to my home country before I met him and he convinced me to stay in the US).
In the middle of all these discoveries he came with a ring one night (which I gave back and sent him home) and then told me he wanted us to try for a baby, which I also firmly rejected. He has a gazillion baby mommas all over the place, all part of his entrapment strategy I guess.
He is a master gaslighter, blameshifter and pity merchant. Every time we blew up he came back with some sob story about his past to deflect attention. Now it’s almost like a game for me, what will he say next to try and squirm out of it. We’re in the house together but I’ve told him I’m pretty much done and out of love with him. He turns on the charm offensive to try to win me back. I know I’m too far gone but I can’t seem to make the final push.
Ultimately I know I need to get him out of hte house. Maybe I’m naive but I’m not too worried about the house as it’s a shared asset and the mortgage is in his name, so actually it’s on him to cover it not me. But I did put all of my savings into the deposit. I’m ok to lose it if that’s what it takes but i feel so stupid, weak and pathetic. I’ve compromised all my values, debased myself and let him make me so miserable. Apart from uprooting myself and my son, I’ve changed my son’s school
He has never threatened me, or been aggressive or violent or anything of the sort but he is an incurable compulsive liar and cheat. He lies about things he doesn’t even need to lie about, it’s really something to watch. An he loves to start those irrational fights, and then deny he ever started them. I’m so tired apart from the lost sleep freaking out over my situation, he wants sex all the time, wakes me up in the middle of the night for it, often it’s 2-3 times a day and if I say no…end of the world. He’s actually a good lover and I enjoy our sex life but I’m terrified he will pass something on to me (I made him get screened when I saw those pictures but who knows what he’s doing since). And yet and yet despite it all he’s still able to hang on and on. I want him gone but can’t let him go.

• This topic was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by oneflewover.

[Freeofnarc]

Sounds a lot like my ex. I would not let him move in so I feel for you. That has to be terrible. I hope he’s not bringing women to the house. I found out about the cheating at the end of our relationship. I don’t even want to know what he did the entire 18 months we were together off and on. You need to cut your losses. He will pass something on to you eventually. He will never change. Understanding that we have an addiction to these guys has really helped me. We weren’t in love with them. They manipulated us. Every time we go back it ends worse than the time before. They are incapable of love. We deserve better

[oneflewover]

Thank you, yes he has definitely tried to bring escorts to the house while I’ve been away. As recently as last week. I used to investigate fraud so I’m pretty good at digging and knowing when people are lying. I have access to his location (he doesn’t seem to realise – we shared locations and then I stopped sharing mine so he thought I couldn’t see his but I can) and his computer so I can see his photos, messages, etc. So I know some of what is going on. obviously we’ll never know the extent of it and really it’s probably better off that way as you say. We deserve better and we are worth so much more. I keep telling him and myself that. I need to act on it now.

[Jan7]

Hi Oneflewover,

Sending you HUGE hugs hon!! 💜💜💜

This guy is absolutely a sociopath!! So many things you discribed my ex h did to me.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE…contact your local domestic abuse center without this guy knowing ASAP. They have free counseling and will help you out of this nightmare relationship. Dont do it alone.

DO NOT TELL HIM THAT YOU WENT TO THE ABUSE CENTER for your safety & your sons safety.

the most dangerous time a victim in a abusive relationship is when she is about to leave or has just left!!!

your local abuse center can help you with a DOMESTIC ABUSE SAFETY & EXTI PLAN (do a serach on this but clear your computer history after)

You can call the US NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE 800-799-SAFE to talk with a free counselor and get local domestic abuse center numbers.

Ask your most trusted friends to help you with this.

CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER HISTORY EACH TIME YOU USE YOUR COMPUTER.

GET OUT OF THIS NIGHTMARE RELATIONSHIP…he will never change..what you see is what you get. I stayed 12 hellish years in my marriage praying it would get better..everyday got worse..the lies his serial cheating, his emotional & mental abuse and sometimes physical if I stood up to him.

start your plan out…find a Real estate lawyer (maybe the local abuse center has advise on this) to help you get out of this home and get your deposit back and make sure he has NOT taken out a second morgage on this home!! YES…he can take a second morgage out without you knowing.

Sociopaths are 10 steps ahead so he has already planned something with this home and your deposit so this is why it’s a good idea to talk with a real estate lawyer.

Just because he has never been physically abusive does not mean he is not capable of harming you or your son.

Go to a friends home and do a computer back group check on him. see the net pay for a back ground check on him…see internet under $40. Do this on your friends computer so this guy will never see it on your computer. plus you have your friend for support.

If he lived in multi states do a check on each state. This guy is a con man …check also the FBI sexual asset site to see if he is listed there too.

Until you can get out of this nightmare relationship BIT YOUR TONGUE…DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY FIGHTS WITH HIM…THIS STRESS THE VICITIM OUT = THAT IS WHY THEY DO IT…so just ignore him go to the bath room..take a bath go to the grocery store etc. just leave the room.

DO NOT TELL HIM YOU DID A BACK GROUND CHECK OR LEAVING HIM…BE SILENCE…GET YOUR SAFEY & EXIT PLAN OUT IN ORDER FOR YOUR SAFETY.

I’ll POST more tomorrow.

I am so proud of you for having the gut intinct to search for the truth and for the courage to post tonight.

We are here for you hon…we hear you!! 💜💜

take care.

here is some things to look up on Lovefraud & net (clear your computer after)

Pity me manipulation (this guy is a master at this same with my ex dont take his bait)

Sociopath smear campaign

[Jan7]

look up on you tube “Oprha Gavin debecker the Gift of fear”

this is a video to remind you to listen to your gut instinct with this guy. Do a serach on The Gift of fear By Gavin Debecker book here at lovefraud up at the top right side.

[sept4]

You have to find the strength to end it and let him go and move out.

If not for you then for your son. It’s not healthy or safe for him to be around a bad person like this. And it will damage his views of what healthy relationships should look like. He is at a very young and very impressionable age so the dynamics he is seeing now will likely impact him for life. You have to get him and yourself away from this guy.

[oneflewover]

Thank you all so much for your support, it means a huge amount more than I can say. And I really appreciate the advise to get a real estate lawyer. As an update, we had a couples counselling session the other day where she really pushed him to explain why he was cheating on me and he had nothing to say. After that he didn’t speak to me for the evening and in the morning he sent a message saying I was clearly not happy, his insecurities (excuse for cheating) ruined it and we should discuss amicable exits. I agreed and thanked him for doing what i didn’t have the strength to do, and told him I’d cancel his flight to meet my family and whatever else needed to be done. He came back so fast…no no no I misunderstood that’s not what he meant at all. We’re trying to work through it. And then a LONG diatribe about how I told him we could see other people (I did say that when we broke up because that’s what it means to be broken up last time I checked) and now he’s confused….you know how it goes. I didn’t react and he came home last night and wanted to have sex, I said no and his response was “why are you so mean? why is everything on always on your terms?”.

[Freeofnarc]

Right…it was “on your terms” that he hire escorts. He’s so delusional. He didn’t get what he wanted so boo hoo. Sounds so very familiar. Like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

[oneflewover]

He wants to have a conversation tonight about us and figure it out for once and for all. Watch this space *eyeroll*

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by oneflewover.

[Jan7]

Hi One,

PLEASE KNOW THAT COUNSELING DOES NOT WORK WITH SOCIOPATHS!

A sociopath will go to counseling only to learn how to manipulate their vicitms more by mimicing the counselor.

PLEASE instead go to an individual counselor by yourself to get out of this toxic and ABUSIVE relationship.

please go to the National domestic violence hotline website and read up about what is emotional & mental abuse. THis is what he is doing to you with all his lies, manipulate including gas lighting abuse.

Call your local abuse center and go to their counseling program FREE!

look up articles from Donna here on LF for socioapth in counsling etc.

He will abuse you more with what he learns in counseling. Everything he will say in counseling also will be manipulation & lies.

[sept4]

Yes I agree with Jan7 that counseling does not work with sociopaths. And it is actually dangerous because by opening up in counseling you will give him more openings and more information to manipulate and hurt you. He will just lie about everything and he will manipulate the counselor.

The bottom line is you are dealing with a person who 1) has very bad character and 2) who does not love you and does not care about you at all. Counseling does not work in situations like that.

You have to end it and move out and go no contact except for legal matters through your lawyer. Every day you linger is another day he can hurt you and your child even more.

[Donna Andersen]

oneflewover – You need to get end the involvement. The longer you stay the more difficult it will be to leave, because he will wear you down.

Do you have any kind of agreement in writing about the house? If not, there may be nothing to enforce. He can say you gave him the deposit money as a gift. If he does, you may not have any recourse.

Plus, fighting him over the money keeps you engaged with him, which delays your recovery. You’ll have to decide if it is worth it, or if you should just cut your losses and leave.

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