First Time Poster

[liz7763]

Hi –
I’m a first time poster. I’ve been working with a therapist off and on for 22 years of marriage – not only about marriage, but family of origin issues. I feel stupid that I’ve stayed so long with a man who is a chronic liar. I have tip-of-the-iceberg evidence that he’s cheated; yet, he doesn’t seem to be out-an-out malicious like some stories I’ve read.

Yet…
-I can’t bring up an issue without silent treatment, or yelling, so I don’t brings things up; he’s slammed doors, had outbursts in public and private
-I’ve spent many holidays alone because he’s had to “work” – most recently Thanksgiving I stayed behind because my beloved dog was ill and died, all while he spent time with grandkids
-Now he’s manufactured a reason to be gone most of Spring Break “working” at another site – inviting me to join with a dog friendly hotel, only oops, I have a dentist appt he set up so I can’t join him (it’s been since before COVID that I’ve had a dental appt and they are hard to get; did he really forget the date, or is his extended absence when I can’t join an intentional act?)
-He’s quit 3 jobs in the last year, drained retirement funds while he looked for another; I’m beginning to believe he’s staying with me as his ticket to retirement
-He gave me flowers, cake and a present for my birthday – all lovely, but signed the card “From everyone” – which, it’s our thing to include our pets names on our cards for fun, but usually mention their names, and definitely sign our own
-he claims I cancel on plans at the last minute, but I’m usually so stressed out about making everything happen in order to leave I just can’t manage so I don’t end up going: like working until we leave; cleaning the house so it’s ready for a pet sitter; packing; etc, and oops, our dog sitter isn’t available which he probably never arranged anyway, so I don’t go because he’s managed to rent a house that isn’t dog friendly – little things that seem like miscommunications, or events out of our control and I can’t prove otherwise
-yet, he cooks me many meals; does little kindnesses throughout the day
-if I confront him about anything, I feel he’s just gotten better at covering up activities, not changing behavior
-I know he has a bogus FB account; at least his 2nd
-I know he reads my journal
-when our dog died, he showed no emotion – but I still can’t quite believe that’s possible. When I thought he’d been sad before I thought he was too emotional to talk about it; now I’m beginning to believe I probably have given him too much benefit of the doubt. He’s able to express anger and disgust – mostly about other people and traffic quite easily, but I don’t know that I’ve seen joy, contentment, sadness, grief.
-I’ve been so exhausted keeping up with work (public school teacher), trying to find emotional stability at home so I don’t sleep in the same bedroom – I have PTSD and scream in my sleep; and suddenly, now when I do have a spring break vacation – enough time to catch my breath, he’s going to be unexpectedly absent for half of it

My therapist has advised me to find a safe place to store my journals; at his unexpected absence this weekend into next week, I’m contemplating renting a storage unit and putting some things in there while he’s gone, but am shocked I’m at this point, really wondering if this is what I need to do.

Trying to piece all these doubts together (too many more to mention) makes me feel like I’m going crazy, yet wondering who I’m really dealing with and/or am I just making this all up?

[polestar]

Hi Liz – so glad that you have posted. Many ideas have been coming to mind as I have read what you said – here are a few: there are all kinds of labels for those people in our lives ( especially intimate partners or spouces) and as you become more knowledgeable about narcissism and character disorders you will be able to make a more informed decision as to where your husband exactly fits into the whole scheme of things, and also how to deal with what looks like cheating behavior and even though you haven’t caught him “ red handed “, there is something that Mira Kirshenbaum wrote that I think you could relate to where you are now and that is that she talks about “ problem people “ being those who don’t seem to understand you or can’t understand you or who just don’t care. That sounds like how your husband is treating you and your relationship – just not getting how rejecting he is being towards you and how uncaring he is being to you and not understanding how hurtful all his repeated scheduling “ mistakes “ are making you feel. Mira goes on to explain the 3 big mistakes that people make who continue on with problem people like this – the first being 1. Not to get used to it. We humans have the ability to get used to bad treatment like the frog who stays in the water as it gets hotter and hotter and thus doesn’t realize it to get out in time. This is one of the reasons that people who are being abused don’t get out of severely abusive situations – they just don’t realize how horrible it is and the dire effects it is having on them. The 2nd mistake is to make or accept excuses for unacceptable behavior like “ oh, he is acting that way because of childhood trauma “ or other things but none of them make living with the abuse livable for you. The third mistake is not dealing with the true situation. She asks you to consider if this is how you want your like to be for the next 5 or 10 years or less. Is this the kind of life that you can look forward to that will bring you joy and happiness or just disappointments continuing and continuing. So dealing with it would be to stop being part of a situation that is causing you unhappiness and distress. You know what the pattern is that has bee going on for a long time now and if it is not acceptable to you that is enough. You do not have to hire a private detective to get pictures of him going into a motel room with another woman. The other thing that comes to mind is that you mentioned being a school teacher and my understanding is that you will be getting a good retirement fund from that. Sounds like your husband is counting on that. Don’t be guilted into giving him the support he wants when he is not contributing to a real marriage with you. It just isn’t fair. Well, that is my take thus far. Thanks for sharing and I wish you peace as you are going through this difficult time. Blessings

[liz7763]

Polestar- thank your for your feedback- it gives me a lot to think about.

[emilie18]

Liz7763: Polestar has some great insights. After 22 years it is hard to think of ending a marriage. You have gotten used to things as they are, learned to cope and manage your disappointments and stress, and now it all feels so “normal”. However, you ARE beginning to question the way things are. Reading about other people’s relationships – both good and bad – helps you to see what you want and deserve – and what you just cannot tolerate anymore. You are wise to take it slow and talk to your therapist. Does he go to a counselor too? I’d bet not. He, too, has gotten used to the way things are. His deflection of your concerns by giving you the silent treatment or yelling; his continuously planning trips yet making it impossible for you to go, his giving you nice presents with a barbed twist…these are all so manipulative and controlling! It is time to seriously ask yourself “What do I want?” “How do I envision MY golden years?” If you think he is invading your privacy (reading journals, lying, gaslighting) then getting a storage unit is probably your answer. Start moving over everything that you will need to start over, everything that you don’t want him to know about. Keep posting here, asking questions, finding answers in what others have written. You have a support system here – be sure he can’t trace your online presence, though. Blessings.

[Jan7]

Hi Liz, so glad you found your way to this wonderful site, Lovefraud. I’m so proud of you for posting here. Posting takes courage. 💪💙

I’m sorry that you are dealing with this emotional & mental abuse by your husband. Most dont know this, but the bulk of domestic abuse is emotional, mental, verbal, financial abuse. Typically, physical abuse does to occur until the victim is about to leave her abuse or has just left. Emotional & mental abuse breaks the victims down slowly over time where the victim loses who she was and become depended on the abuser.

I would highly recommend that you visit your national domesitic hotline website also and read up on “What is domestic abuse?”. I knew that I was in a emotional/mental abusive relationship but, did not fully understand how evil my ex was and how his abuse break me down from a once very independent person to a dependent on him person. This happens with all victims.

I would also recommend that you listen to your gut instincts ALWAYS.

You state:

I have tip-of-the-iceberg evidence that he’s cheated; yet, he doesn’t seem to be out-an-out malicious like some stories I’ve read.

If’s very confusing to figure out if your spouse is indeed cheating or not. I went thru this also, with my ex (a sociopath). I would talk myself out of “is he cheating” mindset…but,then I would search “how to tell if your spouse is cheating”(which was my gut insincts kicking in). When I did this then he would be nice to me (so he was sensing I was catching on to his cheating)..his “niceness” of course that would not last long. It was a never ending emotional roller coaster ride with him one minute being nice then the next mean = THIS IS Domestic abuse.

Look up “Domestic abuse power wheel” = this explains the tension building stage, the fight stage, the make upstage….then once again the tension building stage (which in your case the silent treatment). This creates none stop stress for the victim. And, that is the purpose of this mind game the abuser plays on us.

I could not prove that my ex (while married) was cheating with a co-worker because he had a company phone. So I called a private investigator to hire him to track my then husband. The PI told me just to look at the house phone bill. One number keep coming up over and over. SO I did a computer “Reverse lookup”(free) and it WAS his coworker’s home number/cell phone. Every “business call” from the house he told me he was on was with her!!

So check the home/cell phone bill to see if your huband is up to no good. Call your dentist and change the appointment and see how he responds> Does he pick a fight with you so you dont go with him…or does he take you?

When I finally left my ex I found out that he had been cheating with 3-4 women in two different states!! YEP. Prior to that he had the two year affair with his co-worker. He begged me to stay..he literally sobbed begging me. This IS what sociopaths do. They dont want to let go of any of their supplies. Of course he was telling his coworker mistress when I found out about their affair (last person to find out) that he wanted her and was begging me to stay. He played both of us. He suckered me back into the marraige even thou my gut was screaming get a “divorce’.

Women have a strong gut instinct to know when their mate is cheating on them. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT INSTINCT. A very high percentage of married men cheat (65% these days with the internet it’s very easy for them to meet women).

When you talk about your finances and what he is doing could he be hiding assets/money? moving things now without you knowing??

look up “Oprah Gavin Debecker interview” on you tube. Look up here on lovefraud Donna’s (lovefraud creator) book review “The gift of fear” by Gavin debecker. It is very easy when in a emotional/mental abuseive relationship to ignore all the 🚩🚩🚩red flags their spouse if givng off. One when with a narcissist or socioapth narcissist it’s exhausting emotionally & physically…so it’s easy just to ignore the truth that they are abusive towards us and that they are cheating on us.

When I finally had prove my husband and his co-worker were cheating (she was married too) I was done with the marriage. What I did not realize is that socioapths will once against use Lovebombing (lookup here on lovefruad) their victims over and over especially, when the victims is finally done with the relationship. So beware of this.

Getting a storage bin is a good idea so is a safety deposit box for important papers that you should start collecting and making photos copies NOW.

Get help with your local domestic abuse center out. Make a plan. unless you are being physcially abuse or feel that you can not stay in the house for your emotional well being get help with them for a “Domestic abuse safety & exit plan out’. I know this sounds scary. But, this is the best way to leave this type of relationship. With help. Dont feel like you are alone. Most victims, Including myself felt isolated in their relationship because their abuser intentionaly isolated their spouse via mind games. In fact one of the first things abuser does is isolates their victims from family & friends.

For most including myself we were not happy in our relationship with a sociopath> the sociopath just created a co-dependency with all their mind games. We also have the marriage myths that “for better and worse” “Sickness in health” etc that keeps us drowning in a abusive relationship. What I can tell you is the best thing I ever did for myself was leave my ex husband, my abuser. I would NEVER got back to him ever. This mindset does not happen overnight. When you leave your mind is freed from the brain washing (literally) that these sociopath put their victims under. So all your emotions will perculate up all at once and this is very scary to deal with.

Im am so glad you have a counsel. IS this counserlor educated on Sociopathic abuse? If you are not sure ask her. And give her Donna’s book (lovefraud book store is up at the top) so that she understand what you are really enduring. And, also go to your local abuse center for free counseling. They will not discuss narcissist/sociopath personality disorders. But, they will open your eyes to the fact you are in abusive relationship. How do I know this? Because you searched for answers to about your husband’s behavior toward you.

Keep reading everything here at Loverfraud. look up here on lovefraud/net:

gas lighting abuse, socioapth smear campaign, sociopath triangulation, socioapth trance, sociopath triangulation etc

Big box stores have many books on “Financial Divorce’ which your lawyer do not go over with your or protect this aspect from you so do your own homework on this.

Keep posting here on Lovefraud…ask question & just to vent here.

Sending you huge hugs!!! 💙💙💙

[Jan7]

Liz, if you find proof that you husand is cheating DO NOT CONFRONT HIM…keep this to yourself until you have a plan out of the marriage with the help of your counselor and Local abuse center. THIS FOR YOUR SAFETY!!

[Jan7]

Liz…I want you to know ALL victims of a narcissist or sociopath narcissist feel like they are “going crazy”. it’s so incredibly scary to feel this way. Sending you huge hugs!! 💙

You are not alone with this feeling. the good news is, this is just your hormones not balanced due to STRESS you are under in your emotional/mental abusive marraige, you are most likely vitamin & mineral deficient, have adrneal fatigue issue and may have thyorid issues too etc. ALL can be corrected to get your mind & body working correctly again. 💙💙

One of the signs that someone is in a abusive relationship is they are Confused about their relationship & partners behavior and “feel like they are going crazy”. 🚩🚩🚩

The Stress you are under is major part of the reason you are feeling this way = hormonal imbalance caused by the abusers mind games such as “Gas lighting abuse”. LOOK UP HERE ON LOVEFRAUD “GAS LIGHTING ABUSE’ = this is another major reason victims feel like they are going crazy. This is a evil manipulation tactic by absuers to push victims over their emotional edge intentionally. see yt vids on Gas lighting abuse.

Liz please know you are not crazy!! The stress of your relationship and the mind games your husband is playing on you make you feel like you are being pushed over your emotional edge. That is part of the sick twist plan & Mind games they play. To make their victims “look crazy’ & “feel crazy…but, the victim ARE NOT CRAZY. The abusers are.

PLEASE take care of your health NOW. Get vitamin & mineral deficiency test, cortisol test, thyroid testing etc = all these will cause hormone balance (again from the stress you are under & mind games of your husband) and can make you feel not your normal self.

Look up “Adrenal fatigue’ = see you tube channel Dr Berg and other vids. Most victims suffer from PTSD (YES) from their abuse they are suffering from. A Major part of healing PTSD is healing Adrenal Fatigue. Look up “Symptoms of Adrenal fatigue“. Also see Dr Berg’s vids on “Raw fremented veggies sauerkraut” = this adds good bacteria to your gut. Our gut is our immune system…stress kills of good bacteria in our gut and this is part of the issue. You can buy RAW (not cooked/pasterized) sauerkraut at health food store and Trader Joes $5. Just eat 1 spoonful a day. watch yt ch CanXida Eric bakker vids on raw fremente sauerkraut also. He is a gut expert and all his vids are excellent.

Know that 80% of our health is rooted in our gut health. If we are not feeling well our gut health is not healthy (bad bacteria in the gut..stress can cause this too)..if we are health so is our good gut bacteria flora. THere is a gut brain connection too. The gut is “the second brain”. See also you tube vid “Road to perfect health Brenda Watson” = she talks about this in this PBS series.

I was suffering from Adrneal fatigue when I left my ex. My doctor gave me Dr Wilson’s adrenal fatigue vitamins/minerals and progestrone natural pills and these calmed by body down within a few hours and then I felt much calmer after a week. See Dr Wilson site Adrenal fatigue. org. *I have no affiliation to him/company. My doctor just game me his vitamins when I left my ex and fatigue/stressed out to the max.

You dont have to buy his brand. You can buy other brands at a health food store with the term Adrenal fatigue on the bottle. My doctor followed the recommendation of Dr Wilson and had me take them 1 Am, 1 Noon, 2 at 3 then 1 before bed. These are basically a B complex and also a mult victim. I was tested for vitamins/minerasl and I was depleted in all especially B complex, D (both for good brain function) and also magnesium (which is used to calm the body naturally). Most adults are deficient in these three and many others. See you tube Dr Bergs vids on all of these vitamins and why we need them to function properly. See his vids on Thyroid issues too. Check with your doctor.

Change your diet to a very healthy diet such as Keto diet or carnivore diet = these eliminate sugar & re-fine carbs which cause your blood sugar to increase and cause health issues.

for keto see you tube channels: Dr Berg, Dr Eckberg, Dr Mindy Pelz, Dr Boz, Dr Ken berry

for carnviore diet (which is a elimination diet to heal the body quickly) see Dr Ken Berry, Nutrition with Judy, Shawn Baker MD podcast (yt ch), Dr Mindy Pelz

or find a another health diet. The library will have books on Keto, Carnviore and other diets. Check with your doctor first.

If you can afford a Functional or Alternative medicine doctor (these are license doctors) or naturopath these are best as they use natural methods to heal the body VS putting someone on Rx drugs which is just a band-aid not fixing the actual health issues.

See you tube vid “Dr Daniel Amen depression” and his other vids and books (he is a brain expert and counselor) your library may have his books too.

It’s very common for victims of a narcissist/sociopath to have a stress breakdown. This is why it’s so IMPORTANT TO FOCUS ON YOUR HEALTH RIGHT NOW plus counseling, maybe talking to Donna (She has a coaching program for a small fee) and going to the domestic abuse center for free counseling and free women group meetings.

💜 YOU ARE NOT CRAZY LIZ…YOU ARE A VICTIM OF EMOTIONAL & MENTAL ABUSE. 💜

YOU ARE STRONGER THEN YOU KNOW…AND YOU WILL NOT ONLY SURVIVE THIS HORRIBLE CHAPTER IN YOUR LIFE…BUT, YOU WILL THRIVE AGAIN. 💜

Sending you huge hugs!! 🌷🌷🌷

[polestar]

Hi liz – thanks for giving thought to our point of view. This shows that you have the ability to think things through in a rational manner and I admire people who have that ability. In any case, I thought of something to add to what I had posted previously – you mentioned that your husband will cook for you and that he does nice things too. Amber Ault in her book, “ The Five Step Exit “ addresses this issue. She explains about a concept called “ intermittent reinforcement “ which is a pattern of inconsistent behavior that makes leaving a toxic relationship very difficult. She says that sometimes the partner’s behavior feels unkind, volatile and abusive but at other times they can be very appealing. That if they were awful all the time you would have left long ago… she goes on to say about how as the unpleasantness becomes more chronic and the kindness more rare, you start to suspect that they give no priority to treating you well but instead show interest or affection when necessary to keep you hanging on. So this intermittent reinforcement keeps a person confused yet hopeful that things might may go back to how they were in the beginning. So I am thinking that this may be an important element that has you confused about your husband and the relationship. I have my suspicion that he wants to keep you hanging on for the lifestyle support that you afford him. And this intermittent reinforcement would work very well for his purposes. Well – it is another aspect to the situation for you to consider. Yet still, I would encourage you to check out Amber’s book that I have been referring to. All the best to you as you proceed on your journey to find your truth.

[Jan7]

As always Emilie and Polestar have provide excellent comments.

Liz please look up here on lovefraud/net: “Cognitive Dissonance”. Most victims of abuse suffer from this issue with regards to their spouses behavior.

“Cognitive dissonance is a term for the state of discomfort felt when two or more modes of thought contradict each other. The clashing cognitions may include ideas, beliefs, or the knowledge that one has behaved in a certain way.”

for victims of abuse our thoughs in the relationship were “He is a good guy” and “he is a bad guy”.

We keep bouncing back in forth with this mental ideology in our minds because that is actually what the abuser is doing with his mind games being used against us. This thinking is incredibly stressful for our minds & body. And, will cause the “im going crazy mindset’

This is another reason why victims of abuse stay with their spouse. The abuser is playing a evil mind game switching back and forth INTENTIONALLY to keep us in their grips and in their web of deception.

ONLY watch your husbands bad bahavior. This is who he really is…the other “nice guy” is just a game for him to play with your mind and keep you in his mental game (emotional/mental abuse)

💜💙💜

[willywagglesdagger]

You tell us you have been in counselling for many years, but obviously no counsellor has yet hit the button that turns on the light.
I was sitting in my office one day, feeling kind of blank, my head was spinning and I didn’t know why. I had woken up, got ready, got to the office, yet not for the first time nothing was really functioning.
My colleague, sitting opposite me, persuaded me to go into the interview room with her for a coffee and a chat, which resulted in a visit to a women’s abuse counsellor. She managed to get me to recognise what had been happening. She highlighted the repetitions, fed back to me that this was abusive behaviour, asked me if it was a relationship I really wanted to remain in; basically switched on the lights.
The relief was enormous and changed me. Within a week I had made arrangements to buy my husband out of our house and divorce him. He was so stunned that he couldn’t work out how to resist. Although, he did manage to convince the children that I am the bad guy and our daughter has turned against me completely because I am still having therapy for complex post traumatic stress after 18 years.
You need to see a specialist counsellor. Get that light switched on. Find someone to help clear the brain fog. Then you will be able to look down the tunnel he has made of your marriage and see clearly all those repetitions of abuse.
Also, if there is someone you can trust not to listen to him (and be careful here, he will be plausible it should be someone who doesn’t want to have anything to do with him) because you will need someone to lean on. His tricks will continue, and he may surprise you. He will do his best to make you look as guilty as possible, which is what he’s been doing all along.

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