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I was married for 20 years and he died four years ago. His death was a few months after our divorce.
I am still connecting the dots of the long-term con my late ex-h pulled on me. I, like all people posting, want to avoid a repeat.
It feels bad to be manipulated and lied to.
He was a homosexual who wanted a sugar daddy or mama. I believe he struck out with men – saw through his bs quicker or his looks didn’t get him far in the gay community. So he came after naive me.
He was born & spent part of his childhood in a Southern town which had a sizable open & accepted gay community. He moved to my city in junior high and stayed until I filed for divorce. Our city has a very large LGBTQ population and is very liberal. (City with a lot of hills by the ocean in Northern California – I think you get it.) There was no fear where he felt he had to hide in the closet. He was a dyed in the wool sociopath. The homosexuality was secondary.
Our sex life stopped after our marriage. I asked if he was gay. He told me his mom sexually abused him. I paid for his therapy, but nothing improved after 6 years. He became more abusive in his put downs of my personality and looks. I told him to stop it. He said I was overly sensitive or just kidding.
We had a business which made good income where I did 95% of the work. That and my full-time job created a lot of stress where I gained 60 lbs a few years after marriage. Was never overweight before. That six year mark was painful.
I went to a therapist because I wanted a divorce and wasn’t sure how to go forward. No one in my Catholic family was ever divorced. I told her I suspected he was gay even with the sexual abuse and was fed up with his poor work ethic. Because of our city’s open acceptance of gays, she didn’t believe anyone would be in the closet. She chalked up his problems to childhood sexual abuse. She told me divorce is difficult and it was very difficult to find a new husband. (I figured she was referring to me weighing almost 200 lbs. I was 34 years old)
She told me to consider sex therapy so my husband would slowly feel comfortable being sexual.
I told my husband I was considering divorce but wouldn’t if he doubled down on his therapy & if we sought sex therapy. He told me a few weeks later he had a repressed memory surface of a junior high teacher and friend of his mom’s molesting him. His psychiatrist advised against the sex therapy. He would be focusing on helping me with the business & doing chores around the house. That felt safer to him.
Well, it never happened. He strung me along with sweet words and no action. When I complained, he belittled me. When I threatened divorce another repressed memory of his child sexual abuse resurfaced. I was gaining more weight and started to feel very depressed. I stopped wearing makeup and curling my hair. I threw myself into my work. I felt success there at least.
The therapists I went to seemed to take my husband’s side. His subpar behavior was excused by his terrible experience with child sexual abuse. He lost his job in 2009 (due to his difficult personality I learned later). Therapy switched to getting a job and sex with me stayed on the back burner. He did nothing to find a new job despite attending weekly therapy sessions & me rewriting his resume & writing cover letters for him. He was called for job interviews. He made excuses not to go. I froze my emotions completely & didn’t know where to turn. I understood for better or worse, but this was psychological torture. I told him repeatedly that he had to contribute monetarily and emotionally to our marriage. I was tired of contributing 100% to his 0%. I cut off the money supply. He reacted by applying for credit cards behind my back and maxing them out. We had joint income so he qualified. I paid the minimum payment so we wouldn’t lose our home. He had no job and no income. I was the sole breadwinner.
I went to therapy again where anti-depressants weren’t strong enough. I was prescribed a small dose of anti-psychotic medication. This was supposed to lift treatment resistant depression. It did nothing but made me lose my short-term memory, increased the weight and introduced lethargy. This really concerned me. My husband claimed he cared about my issues. He did nothing, took no action to help me. He simply wanted to have free disposable income.
In 2013, I turned to meditation and prayer to better understand how to help myself and help my husband get a job. I reasoned this would decrease my misery. Therapy and psychotropic drugs did nothing for me.
Out of the blue, he began to ask if he could go to a salon to highlight his hair. He wanted fancy grooming products and asked if he could wear subtle makeup. He wanted to get a pedicure and manicure. I said that puts the man in manicure, doesn’t it? I exploded in anger & said no. I didn’t want to give him money for something frivolous. I didn’t say, but it sounded like things gay men in our city would do.
I told him we can live in the same house & be legally married. It doesn’t mean I have to like or love you. I told him to move to the couch. He refused, so I slept there.
I went to a different therapist with the goal of getting off the anti-psychotic medication & feel less isolated. (He didn’t think my friends before marriage were a good influence. I wanted married couple friends all through our marriage with friends he had made. He said yes. However, he strung me along again. It never happened.)
Getting off the meds was surprisingly easy. I lost 50 lbs in a year. I began to care about my appearance, wore makeup and stylish clothes. People who I didn’t see often at work didn’t recognize me.
I decided not to buy a card or gift for him for our wedding anniversary in 2014. I felt like his mom, not his wife. He bought me a card ( and no gift as usual). He gave me his card. He asked where his was. I said nowhere like our marriage. He called me names & I tore up the card and threw it in his face.
I filed for divorce a few months later. There’s a lot more to this story (he faked a lot when I filed to keep me as his money tree – early onset dementia starting 10 years earlier he claimed to explain his sociopathic behavior, three more people who sexually abused him as a child, constant affairs with women, heart problems, having “nervous breakdowns” & checking himself into hospital emergency rooms which I had to pay for).
After he died, I found a Twitter account of his. In it, he’s asking a person who looks like an old man with a woman’s name and wig, how big their feet are. There are quite a few posts like that soliciting the gender dysphoric (born men) who hadn’t transitioned to female.
I know this is long. The title of this post is Hateful after a Clash song.(They are a new wave band from the late 70s/early 80s.) I heard it today and thought of posting some of my story and the song lyrics.
The music is not to everyone’s taste I realizey (P.S. Thanks for reading.)
Hateful by The Clash
Well, I got a friend who’s a man
Who’s a man? What man?
The man who keeps me from the lovelyHe gives me what I need
What you need? What you got?
I need it all so badlyOh, anything I want he gives it to me
Anything I want he gives it, but not for free
It’s hateful
And it’s paid for and I’m so grateful to be nowhereThis year I’ve lost some friends
Some friends? What friends?
I dunno, I ain’t even noticedYou see, I gotta go out again
Again? My friend
I gotta see that mainmanOh, anything I want he gives it to me
Anything I want he gives it, but not for free
It’s hateful
And it’s paid for and I’m so grateful to be nowhereOh, anything I want he gives it to me
Anything I want he gives it, but not for free
It’s hateful
And it’s paid for and I’m so grateful to be nowhereI killed all my nerves
My nerves? What swerves?
And I can’t drive so steady
And alreadyI’ve lost my memory
My mind? Behind!
I can’t see so clearlyOh, anything I want he gives it to me
Anything I want he gives it, but not for free
It’s hateful
And it’s paid for and I’m so grateful to be nowhere -
the smiths, so much evilness in this world. I’m so sorry that you spend 20 plus years with a evil sociopath. Reading your post brought back some things in my marriage.
Anything my ex wanted to do ie remodel the house, start a business etc became my full time job (plus my full time job) for many reasons…one to keep me busy so that he had full control over me & my mind 2) so he could go off and cheat with a client or someone he picked up somewhere 3) because he simple had no interest in running the business. It was a nightamre. Like you, I gained with…stress eating, like you never gained with before, was always in control of my eating & exercise always. This is part of their control…this is the part where they unravel your good traits & routine…break you down so they have more control over you & your mind.
I believe my ex too was bi…there are times that came up in the marrige that I would question if he was gay. But, I caught him cheating with women. But, once I thought he was having a gay affair with a man that just appeared in his life…and ours. But, that “friendship’ quickly ended because he & his partner “moved’…but, was that a lie. I dont know. Everything he said & did was a lie…like you experienced and what everyone that encounters with any socioapth.
SHAME ON THE COUNSELOR YOU WENT TO SEE for not being educated in sociopathic abuse. I encountered the same. I sat in the counselors office, she wanted to see each of us separate the first time…so I sat in the hall while he talked to the counslor then him. I wanted to run the whole time I waited for them to finish talking…that was my gut…RUN LIKE HELL & FAST AWAY from him. We were in counseling becuase I caught him in a two year affair…I was DONE…I was leaving him…he begged me to say…crying, sobbing, then blame shifting everything on me…yet I was the one that did not cheat.
I told the counselor every trait of a socioapth without knowing anything about sociopahts traits…when he returned to the room we talked with the counselor…he shifted everything to me from “cheating on him” which I NEVER did…(wish I had because I might have left sooner)…I was livid…said the marrige was over…”I want a divorce’..the counselor literaly talked me out of it…on the way home he said to me “we cant trust that counselor’…I stayed in Hell another 7 years. If I could have sued that counselor I would. She should have lost her counseling lisense for keeping abuse victims in hell longer.
Your counselor to. Donna (site creator of lovefraud) has written many articles on marriage counseling does not work simply because the socioapth gains education from the counselor on how to abuse the true victim even moreo once at home. ANd most of the time the abuser and manipulate the counselor day one (exacty what I told my counselor “he will manipulate you” she told me she could not be “manipulated’ she was clueless = he manipulated her as much as he manipuated me). YOur counselor too was manipulated & was cluesless. Most counselors are cluesless. There are many counselors who have come to lovefraud as a victim of a client who manipulated them into a romantic relationship or just met one in passing & became romantically envolved and then destroyed like us. They all write in their post that they had no clue how evil a sociopath really was until they fell victim to one.
Clearly, colleged dont put enough training with regards to “personlity disorders’. I remember when I left a neighbor recommend a therapist so I went and while sitting in the waiting room I looked around & just saw women in the waiting room that seems so zoned out. I didnt fully understand until I went into the office & started to talk with the therapist and he asked “why I was there”…so I started to explain…he stopped me & got out his Rx drug pad & asked why I was there. He was not a counselor but a Rx drug pusher. Never went back to him. But, I can see how abuse vicitms due end up on the “therapist rx drugs’. So I’m so sorry that, that is what happended to you. I’m glad that you had the mindset to start meditation and move away from those rx drugs. Again these so call therapist are clueless with socioapth abuse.
It’s very common for abusers to “pretend to be sick” or give a sob story to keep us sucked in by tapping into our empathy. They know how to con people. It is very common for them to pretend to have cancer. So many have posted here that said their partner pretended to have cancer. sick SOB. My ex h played all sorts of games with my mind when I found out about his two year affair..including making me feel bad for HIM…I didnt fall for it..but, it did keep me married to him until I found out he was cheating again…but, this time with three different women (maybe 5) in two different states. I was done…never looked back.
I’m glad that you found his twitter account..I know this gives you much heartache to know what he was up to…but, also it will give you some closure. YOu will not be second guessing your gut feeling during your marriage about his behavior & maniulation.
I’m again, so sorry that you endured so much heartache.Sending you huge hugs!! 💜💜 Keep reading everything here on LOvefraud…Donna & Terry (LF site creators) have a library full of endless articles that help you to see the truth & to heal. Keep venting here..please know that ALL posts from victims of sociopaths are always long (including this response back to you). SO, just vent out your emotions & get it out of your mind…it’s part of the healing process.
Donna has a list of books up at the top under the “Bookstore” that are all excellent & I recommend you reading some books on the subject & to keep them in your home library for when you are ready to date again you have reference matterial to weed out the bad ones.
Wishing you all the best. Take care
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thesmiths – I am so sorry for your experience. Your ex definitely was a parasitic sociopath, and you are correct in your belief that he just wanted to mooch off of you.
I also agree that the therapists you saw did more harm than good. As I’ve said before, our research shows that 50% of therapists are clueless about sociopathic abuse. And that research was done a couple of years ago. Earlier, even more therapists were clueless.
I wish you the best in your continued recovery.
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thesmiths- I am so sorry for all you experienced with your sociopath. I feel reflection is so valuable towards our long term recovery. Connecting the dots can be therapeutic after the dust has settled. There is less chaos and you can truly focus on reality and facts. As you reflect and come to terms with everything you’ve gone through, you’ll have a pretty solid feel when it comes to spotting another sociopath. However, as you become strong with a sense of your self worth another sociopath will more than likely pass you by because you are no longer a vulnerable target. That, in and of itself, is a huge accomplishment.
Healing and recovery is a marathon not a sprint. Take time to get to know yourself and be proud of the strides you have made. I wish you well on your journey.
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Jan7 yes I had a similar experience with marital counseling. The counselor was clueless about sociopathy and treated us like a normal couple with normal marital issues that could be worked out with communication and compromise.
My ex went with the word salad filibuster strategy and basically just talked the counselor’s ear off until the hour was up. Not about the marriage but about how wonderful he was and how well he was doing in business and all his accomplishments.
The counselor did not understand he was being manipulated so he let it happen. He apparently was not trained in signs of sociopathy ASPD and narcissism NPD or recognizing controlling behavior or manipulation.
Anyway we only did a few marital sessions until my ex left me. I think my ex sensed that I was becoming slightly more aware, slightly stronger, slightly more independent. Of course he could not tolerate that so he punished me by discarding me.
After the discard I stayed with the same counselor and as more information came out we gradually both started understanding who my ex really was. And the counselor eventually understood and said “he is just a con man.”
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