Have kids with an ex narracist..ADVICE?

[cnaforevernalways2005]

So my kids father and my ex (16 years together). He is now married and is pretending to be Father of the Year in front of his new wife. My oldest daughter is 13 and I am struggling with behaviors from here as if she is being brainwashed by her dad and the new step mom. The kids went with him over the weekend, my oldest has been sick so I purched her some cold and flu meds with every symptom she had and I had been giving it to her, I sent it with her. He told her it wasnt helping her because it was children’s and she isnt a child!. She is still a child and on the back the dosage is for ages 12 and older she is 13! Is he just trying to do this to piss me off? He gave her dayquil. Another situation my oldest had a baby blanket when she was little that got stolen by a neighbor years ago.. the blanket had winnie the pooh on it and she was speaking to her dad and step mom on the phone one night and the step mom mentioned she liked pooh bear, my daughter proceeded to tell the step mom about the baby blanket and how she wishes she still had it. My daughter had asked me if I would buy her another one I said I will sis but it wont means as much to you because it wont be your actual baby blanket. So my daughter tells the step mom what I said and the step mom proceeds to say Jade I will make daddy order you one in the morning. So they get on Ebay and the blanket came in the mail this morning.
Seriously!? Why are they acting like this!?
If he was here with us as a family his attitude towards the situation would have been different. He would have said something like “Grow the fuck up I am not spending money on a baby blanket that isnt yours and besides that your 13 fuckin years old.”
This is how he would act. Why is he acting so different with the new wife. And any other time it was my responsibility to get meds and stuff for the kids he was never concerned!

Are they doing it to try n hurt me?

[Jan7]

cna, do a search here at LF for “Tina Swiften one moms battle”. Tina was married to a narcissist. Her book is also titled “One moms battle” (amazon or her site). This will give you some clarity & know that you are not alone.

In addition, Tina has created a Facebook support for parents who are dealing with a narcissist. So check out the One moms battle Facebook page (there are several support groups). If you are going to chat I would HIGHLY recommend that you create a separate email account then create a Facebook page with a fake name. This way you can chat without your spouse, his family or friends from seeing what you are asking & venting. For your safety be sure to change the security settings to “me only”.

You ask “What are they acting like this” = your ex is manipulating he current target victims. He has created a smear campaign against you with her and vise versa. Remember narcissist & sociopaths divide & conquer everyone to have power & control over everyone. So that they do not talk & figure out they are all being manipulated.

Just send the new wife a nice short thank you card. Short & to the point. This will plant a seed in her mind that you are not the bad guy. Just like she is not the bad guy. Keep the focus on your ex = he is Lovebombing your kids!! Remember she is not the enemy. Keep her at a distance but be pleasant to her. You dont have to be her “best friend” but, do be respectful towards her keep conversations with her very very very short. And dont give away your life. Just talk about the weather & basic pleasantry. You don’t have to talk to her like she is a friend.

Christie Brinkley was married to a narcissist (see the internet for tab stories). If you remember the story her then husband spent thousands on porn sites each month & ended up having an affair with a 17 years old girl. She knew nothing of this until one day she started to search his office.

Christie went thru a very public nasty divorce. Her ex then remarried, created a smear campaign against Christie with the new wife, the new wife believe her new husbands lying stories about his ex wife.

Christie told the new wife that she would always accept a phone call from her once the new wife saw that she was married to a narcissist. The new wife still believe her new husbands smear campaign against Christie. That is until the new wife was cheated on, his mask slipped.

The new wife filed for divorce & guess who she called to unravel the craziness she had been living with? YEP! Christie. The two become allies. Exposing the narcissist ex to the world together. The new wife even apologies publicly that she had been feed lies about Christie & that she was very sorry for how she treated Christie in the tabloids.

I’m not saying you have to go to this length. But, being nice to her will plant seeds in her mind that you are not the “bad guy”. again do not get emotionally close to this woman, keep her at a arms length for your protection.

Keep asking question.

[cnaforevernalways2005]

Thanks so Much again for such an amazing reply! It’s strange I have never caught him cheating, he did ALWAYS have a code on his cell phone the whole entire time we were together and I told him I didnt think it was appropriate and he would say things like “I have your naked pics on there you really want some random stranger or our kids picking up my phone and seeing that!?” My response was well you could give me your code. He never agreed. I had a code on my phone but he knew it and he could pick up my phone any time he wanted. It’s just strange some of his behaviors he has applied makes no sense. He did watch porn. Not a lot but he liked it. I would rather stay as far away and distant as I can with the new wife. She hasn’t respected me at all and I don’t have time for people like that in my life and she thinks his shit dont stink so let her suffer on her own is how I feel! They both make me sick. They both call my daughters and talk and they act like they get along so well and they laugh n cut up. Several times they had broken up and he had called me to tell me because he wanted to stop by and have sex. I had reminded him 5 months ago when he did this that I am not available. He chose to leave to therefore he needed to contact her. He would say that she hated him and she would only give him sex once a week. ! Which I’m not sure how that is going well because he was a sex freak! He liked sex! 🙄 Some stuff throws me off guard because he isnt this charming, drop dead gorgeous man…he does have a good job and gets paid over 1400 weekly but they currently still live in a hotel. He left me everything in the house that we accumulated through the years and uses that to throw up in my face. He says it repeatedly in front of her that he gave me everything! He says he bought everything to. We shared costs of many items in my home. Not to mention for 10 years of our 16 year relationship he didnt work! But he also tells her that he raised our kids for 10 years! It’s just amazing all this stuff he is telling her and it isnt true.! I prefer not to speak to her at all… she sent me one message shortly after they broke up the first time telling me she was going to knock my teeth out of my mouth, she was going to mop the street with my “busted ass” which means ugly ass. I mean it was terrible the way she spoke to me!

[Jan7]

just wanted to add beware your ex might try to maneuver back into your life. So keep them BOTH at arms length by sending his wife (only) the thank you card. Avoid any conversation with your ex accept for emails (NO phone calls where he can belittle you etc). No phone calls with her. Just keep your arms length but subtly plant seeds in her mind that you are not the “bad guy”. Always remember you ex walked out on you & your kids. He is not a nice guy…and if he is being nice = he is being manipulative!! Remember that!

Of of the biggest times you will see a narcissist mask slip to see who they really are is when you or anyone else is sick! YOUR ex’s mask slip this weekend you describe when your daughter was sick. That is truly who he is!

For most people if someone is sick they are worried for them. They are doing everything to ensure that person gets better quickly, wether giving them their meds, or bring them chicken noodle soup or water etc or even taking them to the doctors.

What did your ex do for your daughter = complain = it was all about him = classic narcissist.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Jan7.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Jan7.

[Jan7]

cna, your ex from day one painted you as the bad guy. This is how he controls this new victim. He basically trained her to do what he wanted by manipulating her with lies about you. This is why she has not “respected” you. But, you can plant seeds in her mind every once in a while with the chance presents it self that you are a good person.

Your ex used a “narcissist smear campaign” (look this up on LF & net) against you with this woman…and did the same with her when talking to you about her. This is what they do = all head games (mind control manipulation). It is a very stealth form of manipulation and also it is ABUSE!!

With his “narcissist smear campaign with you & her…he is making sure you both do not like each other & that you will each protect him! He’s a con man! He does not want you two talking to each other, he does not want you to tell what really happened in your marriage (i.e. him not working for 10 years etc)…just like he does not want her telling you why she has broken up with him 4 times….if you two started to piece things together about him…you both would expose him & he would have to find a new target victim. That’s not easily most people see right thru a narcissist manipulation.

When dont we see thru their manipulation? When we have some type of life change…such as going off to college, a new job, moving to a new city, empty nest, death in the family, a recent break up etc. Did you have a life change when you met him?

You state:

“Several times they had broken up and he had called me to tell me because he wanted to stop by and have sex.”

This is classic narcissist & sociopath narcissist behavior. They will alway boomerang back into your life for something…sex, money, a place to stay, use your car or just to push your buttons.

I think the reason why he “left everything for you” is to have control over you & a foot in the door to return! He could easily state “I need to come by the house to pick up such & such things”. Know this is very common for a sociopath or narcissus to leave things behind at peoples homes…always a reason to just “stop by”.

And you ex is telling this new woman a “pity me manipulation’ story to control her (google that & do a search on LF). Pity me manipulation is a powerful way to really get someone to feel sorry for them…once they gain someones empathy & compassion they can really manipulate their victims. My ex h, a sociopath was masterful at this…not just with me but, with EVERYONE. This is why this woman does not “respect you” because he has been lying to her since day one to tap into her empathy & compassion.

DO NOT TAKE anything he does personally or her! Know that it is all a form of manipulation on his behave to control you! YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR POWER BACK BY NOT CARING WHAT THEY DO OR SAY! SIMPLY KNOW THAT YOUR POWER NOW IS KNOWING HE IS DISORDERED & KNOWING SHE IS A VICITM!! THIS IS POWER HON! it might not feel that way now..but the more you read here at love fraud & read books form LF book store up at the top, you will see that the power really is not caring what they say. When you do this you really do see who he is and how calculating & manipulative he really is & has been the entire time you were married to him. Now he is trying to manipulate your children!

DO NOT let him use triangulation against you & your children. Keep an open dialogue with them. Be patient with them. Try not to stir the pot with them…right now it’s important to just show them lots of love, make some fun times for them i.e. take them to the park, or beach or just for a walk after dinner every night. You dont have to spend money to have good quality fun with your kids.

Sending you hugs!! 💜💚💚😊

[Jan7]

Just wanted to add to my statement:

This is classic narcissist & sociopath narcissist behavior. They will alway boomerang back into your life for something…sex, money, a place to stay, use your car or just to push your buttons.

But, only to once again discard you!! SO beware!

You are doing a great job keeping him out of your life. YOU were very strong minded to not let him come over for sex. GREAT JOB!!

[polestar]

Hi CNA – Jan7 gave you wonderful understanding and advice in her posts. I just wanted to add a little something : I mentioned some issues regarding your children and how to deal with them etc in my last post to on your other topic heading. I think that still applies to what you have posted here. Essentially, your ex is using your children to try to “ push your buttons “. He knows you so well and knows how much you love them and he knows very well how you functioned as a family. So he’s turning it all upside down to upset you. Realize that none of it has to do with your children – it all has to do with a way that he can weasel his way into your emotional life. Watch Donna’s latest You tube about ( I think it’s titled something like fight or flight ). She talks a bit about how to deal with this issue and other custody issues. In any case, your ex is using a lot of mental maneuvering for confusion which in tern will cause emotional upset. My personal advice ( oh – by the way, in Donna’s You Tube she mentions about keeping records of all communication – but as I was saying, my advise is to only communicate ( when you must regarding your children ) via text or email. That way you can keep a record of the communication as well as to give you the space to sort out the strangeness so as to be comprehensible so that you can answer in a logical manner and also have the space to process your emotional reaction. There should be no situation that warrants you to have any connection at all with the woman. So remember that this is not about the children – it is all about harassing you. If he was so “ in love “ with this woman, he would not be having all this focus on you. You is where his attention is at and he very much wants an emotional response from you – any way he can get it.
Blessings

[cnaforevernalways2005]

It is so strange because I have been completely no contact for awhile now and only conversation via text. He hasn’t sent me anything until the other day when he sent a text saying he had dropped the kids off. I dont respond ever with any response unless it requires one. He has left me alone. Doesn’t call. Doesn’t text. Pretty sure he is really focused on her. He doesn’t call my kids until it has been 3 or 4 days of not talking to them and then he will ask them y they havent called him. I dont remind them to call him either. They are 10 and 13 and if they want to call him they will. He tries to make them feel guilty for them not calling him; but the phone works both ways. A friend of the new wife’s had contacted me not to long ago telling me that he stood in her home and told her that I had met his new wife and that our split up was mutual and I had agreed the two of them would be great for each other! That NEVER happened! The ex of the new wife also contacted me and told me he would come in to their place of employment and basically stalk his nee wife. But we both agreed that if she didnt want to be bothered by him their were ways she could have stopped it as well but she kept engaged by calling and texting. She has lost a best friend of over 20 years by believing my ex she has known less than 6 months and married him! It’s like she feeds right into all the drama.! Many of her family and friends had met him before they married and talked about how he was strange and very paranoid. She would meet up with him and tell him that she didnt think they could be together and he told her they could it was just everyone on her side didnt want them together. So then she alienated everyone and they got married, he bought a new vehicle to seat 7 because she has 3 kids and we have 2 together. He let her quit her job and supports her habits. I was never allowed to quit my job and stay at home with the kids.! Some of what is happening just makes no sense to me! They have been married 2 weeks now 🤪 He has totally cut out his 2 only friends and parents because they dont like what he did to me and our children and how he went about it. So he has no one but her! I hope he is loving life, NOT! I did so many things for that man. I am so thankful I came across this website I haven’t had a clearer view on any of this until I came here! I thank each and everyone of you!!!!!! ❤ I believe god lead me to this and each and everyone of you !

[Donna Andersen]

CNA – It looks like your ex is engaging in parental alienation tactics. You should become familiar with these issues. We have a webinar on the topic.

[cnaforevernalways2005]

I am setting here this evening in absolute distress. I have followed the no contact rule with the ex unless via text for kids. He calls this evening and asks to talk to me. I say hello. The minute he starts talking it is about half of tax money he thinks I owe him. I told him I had nothing further to discuss with him and hung up. He then calls my daughters phone and has her put it on speaker to tell me I am a childish fuckin cunt and he is coming this weekend to get everything he owns in our home. He keeps sending texts about me needing to pay him back the deposit that got us in this home when we were together. Because I would call him he told my kids that he was turning off internet and tv and took our vehicle. That is all in his name so he can have it. ! He is tormenting my kids now, they were crying and lashing out on me saying it’s because I wouldnt make a simple phone call.
The items in the house are items we purchased together way before he decided to discard me.
Can anyone help on legan advice or what I should so when he comes?
I am just going crazy with all this !

Help me plz!!!!

[emilie18]

He is threatening you to intimidate you and he is irritated that you aren’t taking the bait. These types always have to win, no matter what, and cannot tolerate anyone thwarting that need. First – today – change the locks. Let your children know they must not let him in – that his threats mean he could turn violent. Check your divorce decree – it should state that the separation is final and all property has been divided, which means he can take nothing now. Try to get a restraining order so you can call the police if he does show up. If you know when he will be there, ask for an officer to meet you at the house (tell them you feel threatened), or ask friends (preferably big, strong, intimidating ones) to be with you, and send the kids to friend’s houses (he will use their sympathy against you). Stay resolute and strong.

[Jan7]

CNA, what does your divorce papers say!! Call your divorce lawyer & ask him/her for advise. If he shows up at your home…CALL THE POLICE!!

DO NOT give him 1/2 your tax money! GIVE HIM NOTHING…

HIS MASK HAS JUST SLIPPED TO SHOW WHO HE IS!! IT’S ALL ABOUT HIM!!

He is remarried, yet still wreaking havoc in your life.

Cry it all out now hon. Then you have to pick yourself up & call your lawyer.

DO NOT TALK TO HIM AGAIN! He wants to (intentionally) to push your buttons so that you can not think clearly, so that he gets his way. My ex did this during our marriage & during the divorce. He knew how to push my buttons to unravel me. But, I caught on and just did not answer the phone or read his emails. This is why the no contact rule works.

NEVER TALK TO HIM ON THE PHONE… that is a he said/she said situation. ONLY Communicate with him with a secondary email account dedicated to speaking to him about your children only. “You can pick the kids up at 4 pm” etc. If he rants on this email account like he did on the phone..then you have court documents you can use in court.

You have to start seeing EVERYTHING he does is nothing but MIND GAMES (head games) just to stir the pot & get a rise out of you (and he is doing the same with his new wife & also your kids).

DONT PLAY HIS GAME. His new wife is also in his tornado of destruction. Clearly he needs money. clearly he is spending more then he has & his new wife might have caught this out & now he is scrambling for money. He is so use to you giving him half your money and your tax refund he is just playing the same games he did when he was married to you.

In additional to call your lawyer call your local abuse center & make a appoint this week to meet with a free counselor. You are still in a abusive relationship with this man…I think you are not seeing this clearly. He is still emotionally, mentally & verbally abusing.

Keep your kids out of this nightmare manipulation by your ex by not talking on their phone! NEVER talk on your kids phones for court reasons. ONLY EMAIL FROM THIS DAY FORWARD!! DO NOT RANT ON THE EMAIL BACK TO HIM. KEEP THE EMAILS BACK TO HIM JUST SIMPLE…COME HERE TO VENT OUT YOUR FRUSTRATION LIKE YOU JUST DID (BRAVO FOR DOING THIS!!) THIS IS PART OF THE HEALING PROCESS to not vent to him.

When you do vent to him you are stepping into his tornado of destruction…when you step away & just let him spin in his on tornado of distraction you have GAINED YOUR POWER BACK FROM A NARCISSIST!! REMEMBER THAT!!

So glad that you had the strength to search for answers & find your way to Donna & Terry’s amazing website. Look up at the top & start look at all of the tabs so you can see all the resources that Donna & Terry have created for all of us to health.

Keep venting & asking for questions!!

Sending you huge huge huge hugs!! 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Jan7.

[cnaforevernalways2005]

Jan7 you are just absolutely amazing with your responses and advice!
Do you by any chance have Facebook messenger or even a number I can text you at!?
I just wanna keep in touch with you, you know your stuff and after reading your responses you make me feel so much better!

[cnaforevernalways2005]

Jan7 we aren’t married never were. He left the house 5 months ago and told me everything in the house I could have that he didnt want because he didnt need it. He is now pissed because I am not giving him half the tax money (my tax money) and he is also saying he will be here in the morning to pick up the children and the $700 deposit he paid when we moved into the house I’m currently residing in on April. That is when we were together. I dont owe him anything! I contacted the police dept and they said if I feel threatened to have him meet at the police station to exchange the children tomorrow on his visitation so I made him aware and this is his response to me.
Fuck the greensburg police department. I will picking them up at the house with my stuff and $700 deposit I paid. Until I get back my deposit and my tax money I will come and go as needed. And Until I get a court order saying I can’t pick them up there I’ll be picking them up there.
He is always trying to throw up in my face and use things he paid for against me. Its ridiculous. I have 100% kept to myself, went no contact unless via text about children and I mind my own business and leave him and his wife alone. I dont understand y he cant do the same to me. I say nothing to him when he picks them up or drops them off.

What is his deal? This is the life he chose and wanted to live… why cant he leave me be!?

[Jan7]

CNA, it’s important to not feed the fire when it comes it a narcissist. He is trying to push your buttons to make you emotional so that you give in. Just sit back and laugh inside at his antics.

YOU NEED TO BIT YOUR TONGUE and not engage in his fight. If your children are old enough to walk from your front door to his car in the drive way then just stay by the door & watch your children get into his car. Do not go out & have a conversation with him. Just stay indoors for your safety.

If you have to call the police. But, be very very careful narcissist are notorious for spinning things around & getting the victim arrested. So this is another reason why not to say anything to him. Just call the police if he will not leave your drive way.

Write down the things that he has done to you just since he started to demand money. This will help open your mind to see him for who he truly is = a very manipulative cunning man who wants control over you & his new wife.

I know it is very emotionally right now for you. When you get over whelmed put your hand on your heart & just listen to your breathing. Come here & vent if you need to but NEVER vent to him. Ignoring him is the best thing you can do…narcissists hate to be ignored so you will have your power back.

Look at your National Domestic violence hotline website to learn more about “What is abuse” so that you truly know that you are in a abusive relationship. Also, make an appointment to go to your local abuse center. They have so many recourses to help you deal with this man. And they might be able to help protect the items in your home by connecting you to a good lawyer or advocate.

You should be so proud of yourself for all the amazing steps you have made since this man walked out on you & your family. Stay strong, take care.

[Jan7]

ps you were just talking about the fact he left everything at the house & that he did not take anything during the divorce. Is it possible that he has some spy ware on your computer? Not to scary you. But, this is quite common for these types to keep tabs on their ex’s. Donna has written several articles about this & has interviewed top advisers on this subject. Some of these types even put small cameras in the homes of their ex’s. (I always thought my ex did this in our old house that we owned together).

[polestar]

Hi CNA – I read somewhere ( maybe here ! ) that you can get a court order to have all of your communications go through the court system email. You have justification considering the abusive language and threats. My advise is to immediately get the court order – plus do what the other participants have recommended. I know how hard it is to have to go through all of this upheaval in your life as well as all the emotional challenges. I think that things will be a lot better for you once you get all the legal issues resolved – so that firm Boundaries are in place. You did the right thing to not to talk to him on the phone. I think it would be good for you to have a talk with your children explaining that you understand how upsetting the whole situation is, and to let them know that you are the parent and will make the decisions that will be the best for them, even if they don’t understand them now. That you will be getting legal help and advise to make sure that they are safe. And how much you love them.
Blessings

[Jan7]

Look into getting a home security system. There are companies where you pay a monthly fee or you can get a system at your local big box hardware store like Home Deport or Lowes (US stores chains) that use batteries & can be easily installed with just a screw driver quickly.

Tell your neighbors to look out for you & let your closest most trusted friends know what is going on (he is demanding money) and make sure you check in with them daily for your safety. If things seem missed played in your home or outside your home call the police.

Clearly there is something going on in his life that he is short on cash & either his new wife is not happy about this or he is hiding it from her. Either way it’s a very dangerous situation. So be alert. And keep safe.

[polestar]

Hi CNA – I am not sure I totally understand the tax refund situation. Firstly though, I am assuming that he is sending you child support money. And that you have that system in place. With that assumption- that he is already sending you child support funds – then the next step would be about if you both worked last year and filed your tax return together. If so, then a portion of the refunded money that you received would have been due to his wages. Maybe see an accountant to figure out what is the portion that legitimately belongs to him. If he is not paying child support then that needs to be set up legally. But I think you need a third non partial party to help sort out how much of your ex’s tax refund needs to go for child support if he is not already paying for child support. In sum, all of these financial issues need to be dealt with in an objective manner. So seek out professional financial help for this. In my opinion, if your ex feels that he is being cheated of what is rightfully his without any explanation or a third party objectification, he will just see red and his anger and resentment will grow way out of proportion which puts you in a very dangerous position. So it is for your benefit to get a third party financial advisor to help sort out the tax refund in an equitable manner.
Blessings

[cnaforevernalways2005]

Polestar. The tax situation is just me filing my own taxes and we agreed to me giving him half because we were a couple at the time. We aren’t married and never were. But he was definitely counting on that money but in my opinion its not my responsibility to hold up to my agreement when he is now married. If he is having financial issues his wife should step up to the plate and help him out. He moved out of our home 5 months ago and has been living in a hotel since. She has 3 kids, was living with grandparents, he had her quit her job. He had an account set up before he moved out of extra money and those funds were depleted soon after he met her. He is needing the money to get them a home. He does not pay me child support.! He told me he would give me cash every week and he has missed several weeks saying he “forgot.” He went out and got a newer vehicle so that is now a car payment when before he had 2 vehicles paid off. I had to seek legal advice and they are recommending I get a custody agreement drawn up and file for child support. We had scheduled custody pick up at police office this weekend due to his threats. He didnt show up, instead he showed up at my house and the officer had me call him to tell him he needed to pick them up at the police dept like I requested because I’m the sole custody provider and If he wants to see them he will pick them up there with an officer present like I am requesting. He got very upset and said he wasnt doing it because he didnt have a court order to do so. Then he came off with a comment to the police officer “pig, you can suck my dick.”! The cop said do you have a problem with the law and he said yes I do. The cop added that he was acting very childish about the situation so I decided since he didnt show up at the police station that I wasnt allowing my kids to go.
He has totally been silent. Never texts even regarding the kids anymore. Is this a good sign? Do you think he finally sees I am not playing nice anymore because I am a very compassionate, caring person and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt but I can’t anymore I gotta get my ducks in a row for m yuh children. The officer was blown away that my ex makes $1400 a week but lives in a hotel and doesn’t pay child support! 😱

[Sunnygal]

CNA- Tina Swthin says if you must have contact with a narc, be calm and nusinesslike. Good advice.

SG

[polestar]

Hi CNA – Thank you for explaining about the tax and child support situation. I feel like I have a much clearer view now about what is going on. First of all, I want to commend you about how well you have been dealing with everything, and standing up for your position. That was great that your ex showed his character to the police. Not only what he said to them will go on his “ record “ ( they really will make an incident report about it on their computer file ), now the police will be sympathetic to you and will do everything they can to help you. So that is fantastic. The child support situation seems to me to be a two edged sword : on the one hand, if he continues to shrug off his financial and visitation responsibilities, and continues his silent treatment towards you, it would be in a sense wonderful because if he does continue with this behavior, he will be out of yours and your children’s lives which would be psychologically healthy and would also allow you to have the space to heal from the ordeal and move on with your life. Donna had mentioned previously if I recall correctly, that it would be a good thing if he was out of your children’s lives. On the other side of the “ sword “ is the reality of finances and how inflation has occurred and the high expense of supporting children. I don’t know your personal financial status ( and would not want you to explain because it is so personal ), but you would need to determine if you could realistically support your children on your own without your ex’s child support. Or if he continues to “ forget “ what he is supposed to pay you, if you have legal recourse and if so, if you would want to go that route as it would be a continual “ uphill battle “ with him and keep you connected to him in a very frustrating manner. Also, if you decide you just want to “ let it go “, and then see his new wife’s kids having many things that you could not give to your children, this would probably bring up on a continual basis many feelings of resentment and injustice. So it is not an easy decision to make and one that you will need a lot of help with. Donna mentioned in a post to you about a webinar on Love Fraud that speaks to the issue of absentee parents or something like that. In any case, where you are sitting now is a good place to be because you have acted with strength and have not collapsed under the stress that your ex is putting you through. You now have created the space and time to determine what is the best strategy to take from here. Perhaps make a phone appointment with Donna for some counseling – I think you can find out how on the home page.
Blessings

[cnaforevernalways2005]

Thank you so much.! It hasn’t been easy the last 4 months there were many many days of me crying my eyes out, sleepless nights, not eating, questioning what I did wrong how I could have fixed what happened! I still dont understand how we were so good, I thought and then he leaves and marries her after 6 months, buys a new vehicle to seat the whole family. He has totally changed the clothing he wears, shoes.. (he wore the same brand shoes kswiss white for over 16 yeara) never could even get him to look at anything different. He is now wearing DC shoes, and so is she. He never would wear anything other than plain black and blue tshirts because he said anything with a logo the company didnt pay him to advertise. Now he is wearing anime tshirts like dragonball z because she likes it and he does.. it’s like they are teenagers. He is 34 and he is 28. And a few months after we started dating I remember one incident about him getting mad because I spent the day with a friend and he punched a telephone pole outside of my house. (Should have been a red flag to me) But they treat each other so well, apparently. He will call my oldest daughter and they will be on speaker and he will be so sweet to his woman and act like they are just living the dream. I just dont get it. And I dont know that he is a true narracist but he has a lot of the traits that a narracist has. He has backed off from bothering me and making comments. But one day on the phone he called me a childish fuckin cunt with his new wife right there. Like how are you going to be ok with some many you love calling another person all these horrible names! I have been nothing but good to him and given him every opportunity to be civil but now I had to draw the line and I’m seeking an attorney.

Just give me some thoughts on all this if you would plz.

[polestar]

Hi CNA – what they most often do is make someone their scapegoat. In this situation, your ex has made you into that role. So even if the new wife is doing things that are annoying him, he will be in denial that there is anything wrong with her, and instead take it out on you. He is probably realizing what a horrible mistake but will not admit it even to himself. But he will continue on to use you as the scapegoat anyway. That is why it is imperative that you go No Contact completely. You need to fix those holes by which info about him and her are getting through, as well as any holes to know what he is saying about you. For example, there should be no opportunity for you to be on the phone with him to hear him use swear words about you. You must tell your children to please not relay incidents about him etc. If you need to communicate about the children it should only be via email. It is good that you are getting a lawyer. I mentioned before about contacting Donna for a private consultation. You are at a major crossroads in your life and have big decisions to make. The lawyer will be able to facilitate your decisions, but you need guidance for direction and lawyers don’t have the psychological and strategic knowledge about sociopaths. Donna does and even one consultation with her would be of immense help due to her knowledge and experience of what you are going through as well as the practical protocols. In any case, you are definitely being attacked psychologically and put on a warrior mentality for now. At some point you will be able to access and heal the emotional wounds from this ordeal, but for now you need to get your tigress energy to the forefront. Plus as I said about the No Contact, be super vigilant not to allow any sight or hearing come in your space from your ex.
Blessings

[cnaforevernalways2005]

Ladies. I have been struggling lately with missing my ex narc. I dont know y I am going crazy thinking I miss him because I think back to the horrible discard and the things he done to me.!
What I don’t get is how he married already? Why!? He never would marry me and always said that he would never ever marry anyone. Then recently they both got tattoos on their chest with two dragons and both their names and date of marriage. Then again who freaking does that ! Insane.. but whatever. I know I am much better off without him but it’s just so painful to see him marry someone after 6 months and we were together 16 years and had two kids together and never once married me. I have went completely no contact. My children have actually not spoken to him in 3 weeks either because he decided to call them and tell them if they didnt make an effort to be in his life he wasnt making an effort to be in theirs ! It totally changed their feelings for him! I hurt for them so bad. I took the phone and immediately hung up; that’s emotional abuse and I wont allow him to do it to our children.
Can anyone just open up to me, tell me some stories so I don’t feel alone or tell me why this is happening?

[polestar]

Hi cnaforever – what is going on ( from my understanding ) is that you are going through absolute emotional hell on many levels. You are dealing with loss, with the pain of memories of intermittent reinforcement ( the back and forth that narcs play with mean and sweet behaviors ), dealing about worry about your children’s emotions and their well being regarding your ex, dealing with the pain of your ex “ showing off “ with his new relationship ( which is something that they do – part of their “ script “, and then the self doubt and jealousy about his marriage when you were not married to him ( you don’t realize what a blessing that is ! ) – but it is painful. And the missing him which is the result of from intermittent reinforcement. Any one of these topics would be excruciatingly painful to deal with, and you are trying to cope with them all at the same time – and that is why I said that I think you are going through emotional hell. You need emergency help and to take emergency action. My opinion ( as I am not a trained therapist, but I have been through the mill ) is that you need to write down the list that I enumerated, and decide on only one issue to deal with and put the others “ on the back burner “. By writing them down, you will let your mind know that you will deal with every issue at some point – that way your mind will be able to focus on the one issue of your choice, until you are ready to move to the next. Then learn about that issue and work through it. There is so much information here at Love Fraud to help you in your education and in working through things. Donna has You Tubes and books and webinars. If you work really hard on your healing, you will get out of emotional hell and get your happiness and strength back. As far as your children are concerned, as on an airplane, the instruction is always for the adult to put on the oxygen mask first before helping the children because if the adult passes out, they will not be of any help to their children. So you need to swim up and get oxygen by taking your healing steps and then you will be able to be of help to your children. Also, my opinion is that after the No Contact you are implementing to the extent possible, I would suggest first learning about intermittent reinforcement and what that means and how it affected you and how it is still affecting you and how to deal with it. Please post as often as you feel the need for support. We are definitely here for you.
Blessings

[Sunnygal]

ana- 16 years is a long relationship and you have kids with him. It takes time to emotionally detach. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself.

SG

[cnaforevernalways2005]

Do you know why he would have married his new supply? She has nothing to offer that I can tell. She doesn’t have a job, she doesn’t have her children (only parenting time) she lives with her grandparents. So he lives in a hotel. Like I dont understand. He calls up his buddy every now n then and tells him she rarely has sex with him and I am going to be honest he was a sex addict when we were together. Like its fucked up. She smokes weed.
I just dont see what supply she is to him. She is very very unattractive. He may not think so but she is very skinny, has no tits which he always said he liked a woman with tits. She has literally none and I mean that. Flat chested.
Just give me your thoughts

[Sunnygal]

ana- Sociopaths need a supply. You need to focus on yourself and your healing.

SG

[Author]

Posts