Having a moment……..

[funluvmusic25]

So it’s officially 1.5 years of NC for me. For the most part I’m very proud of myself, yet I seem to be having a moment that is hard to explain.

I miss being in love, being loved and having an emotional connection. There is a void that no one in my life can fill. I know all of the old clichés ……….love yourself first, it was all fake, blah, blah, blah, yet none of these seem to hit home when I’m experiencing these moments. I’m smart enough to know if I break the NC the emotional roller coaster will start all over again, yet how can I squash my emotions right now?

It’s not like I sit around doing nothing but thinking of him, yet there is this empty void that I can’t seem to fill. Hoping just venting about it on this site will bring me some relief. Thanks for listening.

[sept4]

I’ve been divorced from my sociopath ex for almost a decade and still feel the same way. For me there has been no solution.

I do think a new relationship will help. Everyone tells you to be alone and work on yourself first but that has done nothing for me. Contrary to standard advice I’d advise you to date someone new asap.

[funluvmusic25]

Thanks for your insight sept4. Having had an almost 10 year relationship with my ex, the emotional connection is the hardest piece to let go of. During that 10 year period there were times we broke things off and I did start dating, yet most were not what I was looking for even though I tried my hardest not to compare. What I did learn was how important an emotional connection is. Honestly, as much as I try to keep an open mind I’m not finding the connection I’m looking for. I met my ex when I was not even looking, in fact I was dating someone else at the time. Given the person I was dating seemed more in the friend zone I felt an instant chemistry with my ex upon meeting him………And the rest is history!
These “moments” come and go and don’t last as long as they used to, so I’m hoping this is a passing phase too. Thanks again for listening.

[sept4]

Yes I know what you mean and that amazing connection/chemistry is because they mirror us and reflect ourselves back to us. So that wonderful feeling is because we are meeting ourselves reflected back.

Sadly I don’t think that same connection/chemistry is possible with a normal person. I think it would only come back with another sociopath (which obviously is not worth the grief from the eventual cheating/devaluation/discard that will follow).

I think a new relationship with a normal person would feel just normal, basic, stable. No chemistry or “in love” or “soulmate” feelings but just more like a calm friendship.

[funluvmusic25]

You’re absolutely spot on sept4! “Normal” seems dull in comparison to what we were used to with our ex’s. The highs and lows are what our systems adjusted to with our ex’s. Now without that chaos everything seems unusually boring, but boring can also be a good thing – it gives us time to reflect and allows for clarity. Getting used to “boring” is a part of our rehab after being strung out on chaos. Our ex’s enjoyed seeing us confused and strung out on the chaos they created. It gives them the upper hand and the control they crave…….much easier for them to take advantage of us when we’re in this state.

Funny, I’m asking a close friend of mine to rate how I’m doing post NC. I want her to take her time to evaluate my situation and be 100% honest even if it means telling me what I might not want to hear. I truly want to gauge any progress I’m making post NC. I’ll keep you posted on my experiment…….lol.

[funluvmusic25]

I think what has triggered the “moment” I’m having is a call that came through from the same area code where my ex lives. It didn’t have a name on the caller ID only the number and it didn’t say it was a spam call. No message was left, so when I tried calling the number back there was no ring at all…..nothing. Could be a robo call, yet I never get spam or robo calls from that particular area code. I was relieved that I didn’t have to talk to anyone or explain myself when I called the number, but it left me puzzled and of course brought thoughts of my ex into my brain. Obviously, it is a number that makes outgoing calls, but cannot take incoming calls. Strange?? Oh well, life goes on and tomorrow, next week, next month and next year will bring better times.

[aiden2024]

I am just coming out of a relationship with a sociopathic girlfriend who has turned my whole world upside down. Despite the fact I know it has been a false and toxic relationship I crave the intensity of the love, sex and bond she manufactured..that’s what they do to you like no-one you have met before. How I am coping is reminding myself of the insecurity and insanity I felt in the relationship…my sanity, clarity and peace of mind is worth move than anything in this world..including feeling loved and having and emotional connection..for now.

[funluvmusic25]

aiden2024; The first phase coming out of a toxic sociopathic relationship is definitely the most challenging as we struggle to understand everything and find clarity. I too felt insecure when my ex would go MIA without warning and then come back like nothing happened. When I couldn’t figure out what just happened I felt like an addict needing a fix. Once he returned I felt some sort of peace within me as if I now had my drug of choice. It was insanity at its best! Thanks for the reminder of those times……it helps settle me when one of those “moments” creeps up on me. I agree, peace of mind is worth everything.

[sept4]

Funluv and Aiden yes it feels exactly like an addiction. I imagine it’s like a drug addict using heroin. The feeling is so amazing that nothing else ever compares.

Coming off the drug and staying clean feels heartbreaking because normal life is so boring and empty and you will never feel those amazing feelings of connection and chemistry again. They are not possible with a regular person or alone. Pretty much everything after will be a huge disappointment compared to the highs of the sociopath.

I wish I could say life gets better but for me it really has not. Even after a decade of divorce and not seeing him and many years of NC. I honestly don’t believe true healing is possible. You can definitely “recover” in the sense of educating yourself and understanding toxic personalities and toxic relationships and abuse. But you will never feel that connection again unless you start over with another sociopath which of course will cause the same suffering all over again.

[funluvmusic25]

Well said, sept4 ! It’s depressing to think nothing will compare to what we felt with our sociopathic narcissist. It’s as if they win even long after the breakup. Someone once asked me if I could live with the fact that my love interest is a narcissist and find peace with that? Knowing what they do (cheating, lying, etc.) it would be impossible to make amends with that while I continued to lose myself in that kind of relationship. My answer to that is a strong NO! Yes, I miss the “drug,” yes it was a high unlike any other and yes, I actually miss the chaos sometimes. That said, I’m trying to reframe it by being thankful for the ability to love as strongly as I did, yet my well being has now become my number one priority no matter how boring life may seem without him.

Yes, I believe one can “recover,” yet I agree healing goes much deeper. Similar to an alcoholic….they can recover and be “sober” for decades, yet they will always consider themselves an alcoholic.

In some ways I’m grateful for the experience, strange as that may sound. I now can detect sociopathic tendencies I never knew existed before meeting my ex. I’m proud of my continued NC and my strength even though I have my “moments.” I also know any break of NC would have disastrous results and set me back with so much more heartbreak a second time around. None of this is worth it and surely they are NOT worth it.

I think a fun experiment would be to watch a male narcissist and a female narcissist in a relationship. They would kill each other trying to have power over each other. Of course they only prey on the vulnerable so that scenario most likely would never come to fruition……darn!

Life goes on and so do we……..stronger and more knowledgeable than we were when we met our ex!

[sept4]

Funluv yes I think my ex husband’s new relationship might have been with another narcissist but I am not sure. This information is from a decade ago when we were still married but separating and we were still in contact at that time.

During that time he told me that he told his new girlfriend “why can’t you be more like (my name).” Obviously triangulating us both. And in response she gave him the silent treatment for days.

From what I understand the silent treatment is a manipulation tactic that narcissists use so maybe this indicates she is one also.

I also heard from other people that she is only with him for money and drugs and that she found out he was cheating but elected to stay.

This information is all old from a decade ago when we were still married and in touch. But looking back maybe those were signs she is also a narcissist. If that is the case then I’m sure their relationship was very volatile because our own relationship dynamic was him having full control over me but another narcissist would not allow that.

[funluvmusic25]

sept4; your ex’s new relationship would be something worth paying attention to and in a sort of demented way fun to observe. As the old saying goes, “there is someone for everyone out there.” Interesting how he pointed out his relationship with you, yet most likely failed to mention it was about him having control over you. Be happy someone else is turning a blind eye and choosing to stay with him. He’s no longer your problem!

My ex’s relationships/ marriages lasted all of two years at best. From what he told me his second wife got pregnant so they married, but according to my ex he couldn’t deal with how spoiled she was. Supposedly, she ran to mommy and daddy for everything. How much of this is true is only his version of things. So they end up getting their marriage annulled, but as most narcissists do he comes back “hoovering” her. Guess what? She gets pregnant again and now has two boys by the narcissist who claims he always told the women he was with he never wanted kids. I can’t make this stuff up! Of course he didn’t want kids……the attention would not be focused solely on him anymore. So now there are two young men in another state without a father! I think the only reason my relationship with him lasted as long as it did was because it was a long distance relationship. Who knows how many others there were in his home state while he professed his “love” to me?

One might ask why after hearing of his past relationships did I continue with him? By the time he started to open up about past relationships I was already emotionally invested. And of course as most of us do I thought things would be different with me and he had changed his ways. Very naive and stupid on my part!

When you questioned about having children and if they would get the best part of the sociopath, I have to ask whether there is a “better” part since all of the goodness they display is manufactured?! They only see as far as the end of their nose and everything they do is based on what is in it for them. Living my best life is not a life with him anymore. Be happy for that much!

[emilie18]

sept4 – interesting idea, a narcissist dating a narcissist. Wonder how that would work? I bet at first it would be ideal as they both could get what they want in a very transactional relationship, especially if they have common interests. They would feed each others egos and would enjoy the challenge and intensity they both crave. Eventually, though, the power struggle for attention and validation would result in an intense struggle for domination and major sparks would fly. Since neither care about each other, except for what they can get out of the relationship, and neither have any desire to change to please another, it would be an interesting show, for sure! Another thought – since both lie by nature, but both hate being lied to – how would that work? Interesting is the least of it. I would suspect the relationship would get violent pretty fast as they vie to one-up the other. I bet it would make for a great movie – probably in the murder/mayhem genre!

[funluvmusic25]

emilie18; I loved reading your post! The scenarios made for some interesting ideas as well as a darn good chuckle. It would serve both narcissists right and each would be pointing their finger at the other blaming the other for all of their identical faults. I’d definitely pay to see that movie! Take one…..Action!

[Author]

Posts