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It’s been 6 months since we broke up and 6 months since I’ve had any contact with him. Out of the blue today, I get a message from him thanking me, that he took my advice and decided to better himself. He’s telling me that he’s been in therapy, no longer drinking or smoking, says he just bought his first house and just telling me how amazing he is doing. Said losing me was painful but was the wake up call that he needed . I’m honestly so confused right now. I’m now sitting here feeling like damn why wasn’t I good enough for him to be this better version of himself? And why does it feel like he’s bragging?
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healingtakestime – If this person has the traits of a sociopath – lots of information here on Lovefraud – I would not believe him at all. This is a typical sociopath ruse – claiming that they’ve “changed.”
He is just looking to hook you again. The thinking is if he was able to use you before, he’ll be able to use you again.
Please maintain No contact.
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healingtakestime; I agree with Donna – if he is indeed a sociopath his message to you has a purpose……..to hook you, to confuse you, to create chaos and make him look like the noble one. He pretends to look like the grateful one thanking you for his so-called wake-up call. These disordered personalities have a pattern of “hoovering” and come back when you least expect it pretending to be a new version of themselves. Don’t believe him!
Trust your gut that is telling you he is self serving and he is indeed bragging. They want to confuse us because a confused state of mind has us doubting ourselves. You ask why you weren’t good enough to see the best version of him? You were good enough and gave your all, yet they keep moving the goal posts and changing the rules in order to keep us confused and coming back for more. Sadly we end up doing handstands for them while they smirk at the power they are wielding. Don’t fall for it. Ignore his message, continue the NC and know you are moving on with the best version of yourself. Buying into his BS will only create more confusion, stress and set you back in your healing. Stay strong and don’t give him the power!
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healingtakestime; One thing to add to my previous message- our gut instincts have a way of by-passing our heart and going straight to our brain in order to make us think with our intelligent brain and not our emotional heart.
My ex-N tried to contact me a year after NC by way of mail (Christmas card) and by using a different phone number leaving a voicemail message wishing me a happy birthday and telling me he still loved me. He came across as desperate and once I deleted his message I felt free from his desperate ploy to lure me back in.
Once you delete your ex’s message you will find some peace-“out of sight, out of mind.” Listen to your head, not your heart!
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He told you he was diagnosed as a sociopath. Believe him.
That means everything he says is a lie, and he only wants to exploit you.
Run for the hills.
Do not speak to him ever again.
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healingtakestime;
I’m so happy to hear you’ve blocked him from being able to contact you! Sometimes we all need to get some things off our chests. That said, you handled it well by blocking him. Hopefully, he got the message and will leave you alone. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and standing your ground! Stay strong!! -
It’s just more emotional abuse as per usual. He is trying to throw in your face that he’s so much better now without you. My ex used to do this all the time. Always bragging about how amazing his new life is without me and how much better he is doing without me.
This will continue as long as you keep contact. Contact is and always will be emotional abuse. No contact is the only way to stop the emotional abuse.
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Your ex is attempting to lovebomb you…BEWARE!
Remember ALL sociopaths are CON ARTIST.
They are connning people all day & night long.Your ex is no different. (read Donna’s articles on the No contact rule)
GREAT JOB Follow the NO CONTACT RULE and block him for good so he cant contact you.
Im with Donna he is most likely lying about his success. He is just trying to suck you back into his disfunctional world. Sociopaths never have a normal life. As they age they get worse and worse with their patholigal lying, manipulation, cunningness, endless mind games etc.
What he is doing is a mind game. He has you second guessing everything now. He is now renting space in your mind for free again. Kick him out of your mind and dont think about him. When you think about him come to Lovefraud and read all of Donna’s educational post they will wake your mind up again to the truth including Donna’s articles on “no contact rule.
STAY STRONG AND FOLLOW THE NO CONTCT RULE. You are strong minded by blocking. This was an amazing healing step. BRAVO to you for having the strength to block him.! !
Wishing you all the best. 💙
Take care.
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healingtakestime; I believe that these disordered personalities pretty much lie about everything even when they don’t have to. They tend to sprinkle just enough truth with their lies in order to seem above board. If we catch them in something they can back it up with just enough of the truth to make us look like the crazy ones………gaslighting at its finest! Some of the statements my ex made were actually laughable! There was one time when I visited my ex and we went to a baseball museum a stranger asked him if he had played professional baseball due to his athletic build. My ex immediately said he played in the minors. Not once had he ever relayed this information to me and surely he would have bragged about it thinking it would impress me. It was just one more lie for no apparent reason other than to look impressive to this stranger in the midst of a baseball museum. I mean how would the stranger ever know, right?! A little truth sprinkled with a lot of lies seem to make perfect sense to their disordered way of thinking!
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Healingtakestime,
I’m sorry that you are having a tough day after receiving that phone call from him out of the blue. It very common for a victim of abuse to end up “sprirling” again after contact from their former abuers. this is known as a “trigger” (Donna has articles on this)
Sending you huge hugs 💜💜💜
Sociopaths lie about EVERYTHING. however, they will mix a little truth in with their lies just incase you start to investigate their stories.
My ex lied about everything. This lying makes a victims mind spin into a confusion state. One of the ways you know someone is in a abusive relationship is they are confused about their partners behavior.
Our guts know within 3 seconds (according to studies) if someone is lying via body language, voice changes etc.
With a sociopath our gut/brain know they are lying so the sociopath will try to spin our heads away from our gut instincts aka the TRUTH which is called gas ligthing abuse (look up Donna’s articles on gas lighting) > This is one way they literally push their victims over their emotional edge because victims listen to the sociopath’s words VS their gut instincts.
You know he is bad but, right now he has manipulated you to believe he has changed = this is gas lighting a very stealth form of emotional & mental abuse.
This is why it’s very important to always listen to your gut instincts and not second guess yourself. I am so proud of you for blocking your ex = this was your strong gut instincts kicking in to knowing he is a very dangerous person to your mindset and physical being.
I would recommend that you look up the following here at lovefraud and read the articles Donna has written on these topics:
Gas lighting abuse
patholical lying
blame shifting
sociopath smear campaign
sociopath triangulation
congnitive dissonance
(Cognaitive dissoance = this is where you hold two believe systems when it comes to the sociopath ie maybe he is a good person and he is a bad person This is caused from all the mind games a sociopath plays on their victims. This is why it’s vitally important to educate yourself by reading Donna’s articles & books to break your mind free from this cognitive dissonance to see the truth = that he is A BAD human being that needs to be avoided at all cost)
When he called you know this was a extremely calculated phone call by him. He was testing the water to see if he could boomerang back into your life. Remember ALL sociopaths want things from other people including a place to live, money, sex, your friends etc He is up to no good by testing the waters to see if you will let him back into your life. ALL sociopaths never truely end a relationship normal so that they can come back to old victims of their and exploit them again and again.
take care 💙
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Healingtakestime,
You’re welcome. Im so proud of your for searching out for answers which brought you to this wonderful site created by Donna & her husband Terry. This site is a God Sent for all of us.
Keep posting, keep venting here. This is part of the healing process.
take care.
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healingtakestime: I agree with everyone – he is “hoovering” you, hoping to convince you to let him back in. Don’t do it. What’s the old saying -“a leopard never changes its spots”? No way he has changed – these types can’t change. It’s not in their DNA.
I have a work colleague who has been dating a narcissist for a few years. At first he was the epitome of the “great boyfriend”, but gradually he showed his true colors – manipulative, controlling, a consummate liar. He demeaned her, ridiculed her, turned every argument around to make her the bad guy, changed his stories when he was caught cheating – all the typical narcissist behaviors. She was always confused, depressed, upset. I told her about this site and encouraged her to read the wonderful and informative things on here and I believe she did. At least, she broke up with him. This was 6 months ago. She seemed so much more relaxed and was getting her old confidence back. After a while he started showing up at places she frequented – gas station, grocery store, restaurants, social clubs. Now, this is a small town, but that many coincidental mutual meetings was odd. He was always on his best behavior. Told her he had stopped drinking, was getting his life together, had dumped his two side chicks. Always hints dropped in casual conversation. Finally she relented and started dating again, then moved in with him 6 weeks ago. Everything was peaches and roses for a few weeks, then it was not. Not only did he do the same old bad stuff, but it was worse. One day she showed up with bruises on her arms. Again, I gently advised her to rethink this relationship. Yesterday she moved out again. I just pray she heeds my advice. He, too, said he had changed, that he was trying to be a better man. Truth is – he only wanted someone to control and abuse again, and she had been an easy mark. So – don’t do it. Stay resolute and strong. Proud of you for seeing through his lies. Just keep telling yourself – everything he says and does is a lie. Blessings.
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emilie18: Thanks so much for sharing your story about your work colleague – it is a good reminder of how things go back to the same old routine, lies, cheating and abuse after a much shorter amount of love-bombing in order to get their partner back under their control. My heart goes out to anyone who suffers physical abuse at the sociopath’s hands. How many investigative murder shows do we see on tv where the accused claims it was just “rough sex” that caused bruises or worse?
Before I went NC I can’t count the number of times I tried to get our relationship back on track only to see the same old crap from my ex in a short amount of time. The few friends I did confide in got sick and tired of hearing the same old story. I’m sure they are very pleased the NC has lasted as long as it has now (17 months) and they are now seeing a better version of me.
To sum this all up I firmly believe, as you mentioned, it is not in their DNA to change. Their DNA does not have remorse, guilt or even a heart to realize what they do is wrong. I hope your colleague realizes this once and for all. Thank you for sharing her story and for gently guiding her to this site.
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